To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

you say you don’t know really what has been going on with her. Does she not want to talk about it on the phone?

I think a lot of people asking why the OP can’t find an hour for a coffee are missing the fact that the friend lives 1.5 hours away….

In your situation OP I’d be suggesting meeting halfway for dinner, inviting her to stay with you at the weekend and join you for some of your events, or a zoom catch up on a weekday evening.

personally I don’t think 4 months is huge amount of time to be out of touch with someone, but the theatrics around it might have grated on me a bit too. A private message to let you know she was struggling and needed a bit of space might have been better

If that friend is free. How do you know they are? It's not all for OP to change their plans simply because friend decided to come back.

She’s not BU to need some time to herself (although announcing it is a bit odd, she could have just made excuses that she was busy or something).

YANBU to not drop everything to meet up with her now she has decided she wants to.

I have a very busy life (single parent, FT job & studying) and my 2 days off every week are jam packed and planned in advance so I can completely see how you aren’t free for a while as I wouldn’t be either.

This would really piss me off and I’d be seriously questioning whether I want to continue this friendship.
For now I would reply that you need some space and you’d prefer she didn’t contact you (exactly like she did) then once you’re back from your holiday you can decide how you feel and whether you want to reach out or not.

You can't "pop" to see someone who lives 90 minutes away. I'm not sure why some posters aren't getting that. I don't have kids and my weekends are committed to mid August, so I get it. If she won't flex, it will have to wait. You're not being unreasonable.

Completely agree. She's pissed off with the friend. It's written all over the post.

I thought you were being unreasonable OP but with your updates I do not think you are unreasonable at all. With hindsight if you’d put those details in your OP you’d probably have a largely different response.

This isn’t an hour for coffee it’s expecting OP to do a 1.5hr journey each way with an overnight stay and let’s face it, it will probably be the friend wanting to speak to the OP about her mental health issues over the last 4 months. Whilst that is understandable the OP will probably need some time for herself after to decompress.

Supporting others can be draining and it does have to have a limit to not be at the detriment of your own mental health/your children.

It's a three hour return journey. So hardly feasible in the kind of time OP is psending to post on here.

You have kids and commitments. It’s not just an hours meet for a coffee it’s a 90 minute journey for you then an overnight stay. I would tell her you just haven’t got the time for that at the minute. She’s being selfish expecting you to drop everything to run to her now she’s decided. Suggest she makes the effort to visit you instead.

Don’t want to add to the pile on OP but you really should have mentioned the distance in the OP. There’s now loads of pointless posts saying pop for a 20 min walk!!

otherwise, you aren’t being unreasonable. Before the hiatus did she have form for expecting you to drip everything to fit in with her? Does she just not get it because she is single so doesn’t appreciate that there is more than one person to consider? If you’re really good friends you’ll get through this

• Meet online after kids have gone to bed. Get a drink, switch on the camera, ask how she's feeling now, find common ground, have a bit of a laugh and break the ice.

• Ask her to come to you. It's going to be difficult to go there and stay overnight without kids. I completely get this. She can travel to you. You could meet at yours or outside. If there are other friends in your town, she could make arrangements to see all of them as well.

• invite her to some of those busy slots. I get that it might not be adequate to invite her to the family outings or children tournaments, but if you have set a day to go shopping for the holiday trip, invite her along and you go on your own? Hairdresser on Thursday? See if you can get her booked at the same time and you can chat and have some pampering at the same time?

I’ve just had a look at our planner and we’re booked solid until Sept. This isn’t usual for us but we’re on holiday twice which is 5 weekends gone, I have a weekend away with the girls, a number of work events - we’re making the most of being able to host events again - and a couple of things with the kids.

Surely if she’s that desperate to see you she could meet you for dinner one evening somewhere halfway between both your homes? I don’t think yabu in this situation, you shouldn’t always have to stay over to see her.

Exactly, why all the snark at op and the expectation that it's on her to move and arrange things?

I know some people have asked you already but you haven’t answered. Have you offered an alternative, lunch at yours with the kids there or brunch or can you physically meet her half way for a coffee one evening or do you literally not have a spare 90 mins?

You say "she is a good friend of mine".

Personally I say there are 24 hours in a day.
And you have no time for a good friend until Sept? hmm.

Who has said it has to be weekend daytime only, you or her l?

Completely agree. She's pissed off with the friend. It's written all over the post.

I’d be pissed off too if I had been patient with my friend not being able to meet up for a while and now she’s not happy because she wants to meet up on her terms and doesn’t want to wait.
Respect should go both ways and the friend sounds very selfish.

Let her be cross. You're not being unreasonable. A 3 hour round trip and overnight stay is something that needs to be arranged far in advance.

How often did you see her before this?

If she travelled to you, would that ease things for you at all?

I get a sense that perhaps you feel like you are expected to carry a lot of the burden in this friendship.

I think the OP's frustration is understandable because she has given her friend times that she is available but they don't suit the friend. The friend is expecting the OP to change her plans, not change her own. Hence not the not meeting halfway comments.

It sounds like the 'ta da' comment is because the friend is expecting everyone to change their plans because she is now available and should be the priority. Everyone should work around her availability.

But families don't work like that. You can't just change a school event, or holiday bookings.

OP, I would email her with any dates that you could go to hers, any times that she could come to yours eg for a family dinner, then leave the ball in her court.

Let her be cross. It's not like she's on the next street and you can pop in for a cuppa! YANBU.

Id talk to her on the phone find out what's been going on if i wanted to maintain the friendship.

I don't get why people always use the 24 hours crap, there may well be 24 hours but there's also sleep, children, work, commitments in those 24 hours.
OP has been more than fair, to me I can see exactly which posters would expect a friend to chop and change their plans to accommodate them when they feel like it but not expect to move any of their plans around. That to me, is incredibly selfish and im glad none of my friends act like it.

YANBU OP.
I’m also fully booked every weekend and I don’t know what everyone else does that makes them ‘available for a coffee’ but these are solid days out! It’s hard enough for my core group of friends to schedule weekends visits when there are only 4 a month!

she sounds quite attention seeking

This sounds like one of those unequal friendships where one person calls the shots and the other does all the running. No one has the right to get cross with you for having reasonable boundaries, OP, and being busy is a reasonable boundary.

Why do the kids summer break rule out meeting up? I don't understand? Would you be looking after your DC more on a weekend than usual? Surely it's just the same as when they are in school?