To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

You are entitled to see her when you are ready op. She made a conscious decision to go no contact for a number of months. You are not now obligated to accommodate her if you do not wish to.

Do you wish to see her?
I ask as there have been times 'friends' have come off of my radar and attempted to step back in when it suits. I have no interest in meeting up so do.not.

Is there travel time for you to visit each other? I can easily see that a 2 hr train for lunch won't work on weekends when you have kids activities on.

Can you have a zoom call & glass of wine together of an evening? Or find another way to connect?

Think the problem is, OP’s spare hour on a weekend doesn’t fit with the time her friend has available.

I'm with you OP. She's disappeared for four months and now she's back. Ok. Great that she's better. But in my book, the onus is on her to make herself pretty available to those people she's distanced herself from. And she hasn't. She's come back with restricted availability. Don't blame you for being frustrated.

All this 'What's really going on here?' 🙄 Friend is a self-indulgent flake. That's what's going on.

Offer a zoom catch up while you try to find a time you're both free?

Why can't the friend who disappeared change their plans to fit OP schedule?
OP you're not being unfair to her not to change your existing plans to fit in with the time she has free. If you're booked, you're booked. If she wants to see you, she could always move some of her plans around on the weekend days you are free.

I get that kids in the mix make it difficult to get together. Can you make an exception to your "only weekends"? Can she come to yours one evening after the kids are in bed? Or does she have kids too?

Zoom call maybe as a holder until the September weekend is found?

If it's so important they meet up, why can't the friend change her plans? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t understand why it can only be weekend days? What’s wrong with a weekday evening - does one of you work then? Or is she miles away?

How flexible are you?

If my good friend of 20 years had done this I'd be changing my plans to check what had gone on and check she was ok - because cutting yourself off from everyone in life is a teeny bit unusual and worrying.

I can see that we have a different idea of good friendship when a friend is having a hard time.

She sounds dramatic and attention seeking. If someone genuinely wanted to go off the radar for a bit they'd just do it, not make announcements like she did. I couldn't be arsed with bothering with someone like that. I bet everything is all about her!

Do you go away for the whole of the summer holidays?

@minipie yes she’s an 1.5 hours away. Normally I go and stay overnight as she’s single with no kids but there stuff coming up- summer fair, school shows, end of season tournaments- that kind of stuff so it’s not feasible. Then we are off to Spain for a couple of weeks etc. i have said I can go up in sept but she’s cross.

Is this being organised through messaging or have you actually spoken? Ring her, talk, and see what can be sorted. Maybe both of you haven't thought of other options? If you've got activities planned for every weekend between now and September is there really not, say, a Saturday evening where you could get together for an hour or so when the kids are in bed and your husbands/partners could be with the kids?

X posted with you OP. Could you invite her over for Sunday lunch perhaps?

@toomuchlaundry for quite a lot of it yes - 2 weeks abroad & then I take the kids to visit family in parts of the U.K. Friend can’t really accommodate my kids too at her place as she’s in a 1 bed flat.

Hoike those giant judgey pants up @MrsWarboyss - god forgive any friend of yours who steps out of line

It’s not about ‘not having an hour til September’.

OP has every right to live her life and take her relaxation time for herself, as she’d planned.

This person strikes me as a melodramatic attention seeker - ‘I’m ready for you all to give me attention now!’

she’s cross. sounds tiresome for you OP. To be honest now you've explained it a bit more I'd just tell her look I've told you when I'm free you've told me when you're free we don't have a shared date until September. No point getting cross about it. And offer a zoom call or say if she wants to cancel some of her plans on the day you are free you can do then. Then ignore her.

I'm not sure the taking time out for a couple of months is relevant. Having read your updates, YANBU for not being able to see her in her available times this month. She is being unreasonable by being cross that you can't see her, especially given the distance, your holiday and the fact that you're more than happy to schedule a date for September and travel to her. But that is unreasonable whether she had taken time out or not.

Well if this is the case there's not much you can do.

I'd (re) sent all the possible slots you could spare and say to her - see if you can shift something. And in the same email suggest Sept dates too.

She does sound like a drama queen but presumably she has good qualities alongside that

@Genegenieee I'm not friends in the first place with drama llama attention seekers that sound like they're still in high school

Could she come to stay with you OP? That way you can catch up in the evening after your kids are in bed but you can still meet any day time obligations?

Oh she’s 1.5 hours away - completely reasonable not to be able to meet that often. (Regardless of whether she’s done a disappearance and reappearance.)

I have friends that far away, we only see each other a couple of times a year, that’s pretty normal I’d have thought.

Does she work? Is this why she’s restricted to weekends?

You really can’t find any time at all during the school holidays after all the shows, tournaments, and summer fairs have finished?

It’s a long time until September. It sounds as if you’re punishing her for stepping back and are now making it hard for her to come back. Whether that’s justified or not because you might see her behaviour as having been flaky rather than genuinely needing some time out, that’s what you’re doing.