To think you can’t just disappear for months on end & then expect everyone to drop everything

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22]

A good friend of mine has been having a hard time & decided she wanted to go no contact with everyone in her life for a few months while she sorted stuff out. She announced this everywhere, on social media, in what’s app groups etc.

Well, 4 months later she has done a ‘ta-da’ kind of thing and reappeared and wants to meet up as she is ready to see people.

thing is- I am really busy until September as have kids stuff, work stuff, summer hols etc going on and she is pissed off about it.

I am trying to be supportive and have been all along and accepted that she needed a time out from everything. But am I also being unreasonable to think that you can’t just vanish for months & then reappear and expect everyone to drop everything?

What did you used to do before she took time out?

She did what was best for her, so do what's best for you. People always want to have it both ways and it doesn't work like that. There's being supportive but shouldn't be at your cost. I'd give her dates and leave it at that.

I think that's fair enough you can't see her. Our summer is busy too so although I could do an hour/ evening in the week for local friends, if it was one of my friends who lives further away, I can guarantee we wouldn't be able to find a weekend day we're both free to see each other.

Normally you would have got something in the diary but because of her lack of contact, you couldn't, so now you're not able to fit it in.

I think you're both reasonable and it's not fair of her to be upset with you. Summer is the busiest season for most people and weekends quickly fill up, now covid is not a concern.

So it has to be a weekend, but only certain weekends that suit her, and then only in the daytime? No, YANBU OP and I doubt my diary would match up much/at all either at this time of year with this much notice.

We've has many years when weekends from about now to September are all booked up - holidays and visiting or having family over take or odd booked events and all that time is accounted for. So I don't find that odd at all.

If it's 1.5 hours travel time OP is expected to do as well - 3 hours it's a most of the day visit - and the friend isn't willing to cancel anything of hers - and I can see why the Op is a bit miffed.

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP, she sounds demanding and inflexible, and a bit dramatic imo. In my friendship circle we all have busy lives, families, jobs etc so don't place unreasonable expectations on each other when making plans.

Just do a FaceTime call

I've never ever met a friend for a half hour coffee. Meeting a friend 5 minutes from my house I'd allow 90 mins minimum. And I can totally see how you could be booked up til Sept. It's not a case of not having an hour, it's sometimes not knowing when that hour will be! If I've made plans with someone I don't want to be cutting them short to rush off and see someone else.

Bottom line is, she expects you to understand her need for some time out but she doesn't want to understand your need to honour your commitments.

That's not a friend.

‘And yet she’s getting cross we me because I haven’t got the times that work for her. I want to see her but I think she’s also being pretty inflexible!’

Maybe she’s not completely well yet, hence her seeming intransigence. She wants to be back out & about but not yet robust enough to fly by the seat of her pants?

@Everythingnotsavedwillbelost22 understandably you are time & location constricted, that’s clear from what you say. Have you shared this much with her about the realities?

Could & would you seize the moment by setting up an extended zoom or phone call within a few days to break the ice? When the kids are in bed & before you zzzz?

I think you’re getting a hard time on here op, assume lots of posters haven’t read all your messages! Obviously you can’t meet for a half hour coffee if you live an hour and a half away. I totally get the whole “not free until September” thing, we’re like that too, not everyone has all their friends and family locally and tbh most of the time even if a local friend wanted to do a daytime weekend thing with me we’d have to arrange a month or 2 in advance at any time of the year! I think the suggestion of zoom is a really good one, maybe suggest a couple over the summer to catch up then you can meet properly in September when you’re both free.

Someone I know did this. Blocked us all on WA. Came back with no apology. We accepted her back, but I'm now getting hateful messages again...

Absolutely this.

She is being demanding and petulant and in your shoes I would tell her that actually YOU have a lot going on, and if SHE can't understand that YOU would like some space.

There is a bit of the CF about this that I would be wary of OP.

Summer is a very busy times for a lot of families.

To answer your initial question, no of course it isn’t ok but are you sure that is an accurate representation of what has happened? It sounds a bit cynical.

To me it sounds as though your friend has had a personal crisis and tried to be courteous with her friends by letting them know she’d be out of touch. We can’t know how she was feeling at that time but in all likelihood she was not in a great space.

She has now reappeared and reached out to you, hoping to renew contact and friendship. You say you cannot, and you have your reasons, but the way you describe her time out is very loaded, as if she was being melodramatic and now you are putting her in her place by refusing to make time for her.

It’s difficult to be sure because we only know your perspective of this but it does smack rather of the dim attitude towards people with mental health difficulties and that is disappointing to read. She has asked nothing of you except tolerance while she deals with a crisis.

Sorry I asked a question you had already answered.

I think you need to explain that it works both ways. She is asking you to drive a three hour round trip and give up a weekend at at time that suits her.

instead, why not meet half way some evening for a meal? Unless she can be a bit more flexible it will be September until there a weekend that works for you both.

remind her you have offered weekends earlier than September - but they don’t work for her!

if a friendship is all give for you and take for her you do need to be clear with boundaries. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you life and commitments are just as important as hers

I think that’s very black and white thinking. People go through good and bad times, and part of being a friend is to go with the ebb and flow.

Here's the thing about people saying they are too busy, it's rarely entirely true. If both people really want to meet they will both make the effort to do so (in the way that you do for a doc or dentist appointment)
I have a friend and we were in this trap for several suggestions from both of us and it took us both making a big effort to meet for an easy swim and coffee before our busy days began. I understand that both of you are busy and both refusing dates but you might have to think laterally. Not everyone can meet at 11am on a Saturday for coffee but normally one or the other can compromise. I sometimes tag along to a friends kids football so we catch up on the sidelines and she sometimes adjusts her lunch hour to a later one when she knows I'm nearby her office so we can meet

Op sorry I missed the hour and a half away bit.
Zooms are a good idea. Everyone is not busy for every minute of the day, she must be able to fit a zoom in

So your best is an hour in September. If you want to punish your friend and don’t see why you should make any effort, then fair enough, but stop pretending that you are making an effort. Because you are not.

Whilst it's highly likely anyone could find an hour for a coffee, fitting that in (which no doubt will consist of the friend talking about her issues) in amongst everything else can be energy sapping. If it were me, I'd only meet the friend on a day I had nothing else planned. Too much planned in overwhelms me, I have to manage it in work but I take control of it in my personal life.

So your best is an hour in September. If you want to punish your friend and don’t see why you should make any effort, then fair enough, but stop pretending that you are making an effort. Because you are not.

That's ridiculous. How is OP punishing the friend simply because they cannot spare a day for their friend? It's not an hour is it, when the friend lives 1.5hr away. So it's around 5 hours out the day at least. You don't know OP schedule. It's not punishing the friend, a friend should realise people have other commitments going on and can't drop everything simply because they demand it.

An hour for coffee is actually 4 hours then. 90 minutes there, 90 back and an hour for coffee.

She needs to understand that although OP is supportive, while she has been off the grid, life has been marching on and people have plans for the summer and have not factored her into those plans because she was completely uncontactable and presumably going to be absent until further notice.

That isn't being a bad friend, its just life. You can't expect everyone to just wait for you indefinitely while you deal with your shit. You have to make a little effort to slot back in with everyone else, not everything can always be on your terms, that is just life.

I often go with a friend to visit another mutual friend. I'd like to go every month but our schedules don't always line up so some months she goes without me and I wait till the next month. Sometimes that doesn't work either. Its a shame but can't be helped.

This ignores fact friend is saying it has to be weekend and a weekend she is free and the 1.5 hour travel time that seems to be expected from OP and ignores that for some families summers with children can rapidly book up with holidays and family visits - it tends to be when longer distance family visits or extended family visits happen.

I suspect OP has offered alternatives - and that's adding to her being miffed because she picking up she is the one expected to re-arrange plans and friend is refusing to make any compromises.

How do you know it's 'clearly bullshit'?

You have access to the OP's calendar do you?

Don't be so ridiculous

Not if the friend lives 1.5 hours away!

If she's really desperate to see you before September couldn't she come through to you and join you at, for example, the summer fair?

Then have a proper catch up in September.