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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

280 replies

Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:01

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

OP posts:
GreenIsle · 18/06/2022 17:02

Give her next weeks pocket money to buy him something then give her nothing next week.

JustLyra · 18/06/2022 17:03

I’d either give her next weeks money or let her earn some money to buy something.

she’s remembered late, but ultimately it would be your husband being punished for it.

who sorted it previously if you’ve never done it?

Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:04

I don't give her her pocket money her mum does and my husband sends half of it to her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:05

JustLyra · 18/06/2022 17:03

I’d either give her next weeks money or let her earn some money to buy something.

she’s remembered late, but ultimately it would be your husband being punished for it.

who sorted it previously if you’ve never done it?

I've literally reminded her every time we've seen her for the past two weeks (50:50).

I've said she can bake him a cake or something.

OP posts:
TimeSlipMushroom · 18/06/2022 17:05

Can you give her the option of doing some jobs for some money to buy something small at a local shop? Yes it would have been better for her to have planned ahead but it would be shame for her not to he able to give something when her half-sibling is able to

TheQueensMarmaladeSandwich · 18/06/2022 17:05

Get her to make something and take her to Tesco for a card

NoSquirrels · 18/06/2022 17:07

Make a card & bake a cake sounds fine to me. She’s old enough to have remembered even without the prompts, and you gave her those. She absolutely shouldn’t try to blame you!

Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:08

In previous years it's been a mix of her making things at school and her mum I assume. She doesn't usually get him a gift, typically just a card maybe the odd bar of chocolate or something. I've never done it though.

It's just the last in a string of entitled type behaviour recently. I know that can be normal for teens though. The expecting me to just have sorted it and asking me like that 'have I got a card to give him?'... Well no, not if you've not sorted one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:09

NoSquirrels · 18/06/2022 17:07

Make a card & bake a cake sounds fine to me. She’s old enough to have remembered even without the prompts, and you gave her those. She absolutely shouldn’t try to blame you!

I've said this, she can get the craft stuff out and make him a card and she knows where the ingredients are for cake or cookies or whatever if she wants. There's been a huff upstairs so I doubt she'll do it but the option is there for her.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 18/06/2022 17:11

Who arranges Mother’s Day presents for her? Out of interest

easyday · 18/06/2022 17:11

She can make a card (are there pens and things to do this with?
My stepsons wouldn't have dreamt of asking me to sort it for then.

Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:12

Mellowyellow222 · 18/06/2022 17:11

Who arranges Mother’s Day presents for her? Out of interest

Similar I think. I actually don't entirely know what happens each year. I know my husband's done it some years and others she's made something at school when she was younger and stuff. There doesn't seem to be any set way of doing it year upon year on either side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:13

I've been working today and am knackered, the last thing I want to do now is fuck about going to Tesco (a good 15 min drive away) trying to sort it out.

OP posts:
Giveitall · 18/06/2022 17:16

She’s learning a hard lesson about “personal responsibility.”
Stick to your guns.

Hadalifeonce · 18/06/2022 17:17

Ever since our DC started earning pocket money, DH has reminded them that mother's Day is coming up. If they ever asked if he'd done anything on their behalf, his response had been 'she's not MY mother!' they now don't expect someone else to sort out mother's/father's Day.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 18/06/2022 17:19

No different here with my two DC. Have spent all week reminding them. Sent them both three texts today asking them to confirm they've sorted something , even offered to transfer DD13 some money as she never has any pocket money left. Silence from her. DS16 just replied acting all surprised because he thought it was next week. Told him to walk to Waitrose after work and get some chocolate and a card and he refused because it's raining!

Mother's Day passed by with no gifts for me this year. I was so angry when I discovered that DH had actually bought me a necklace and had given it to DD to wrap and present to me but she couldn't be bothered. DH took it back and held it back for my birthday because I said I didn't want it for Mother's Day after the lack of thought the DC had shown.

Kids can be so selfish at this age.

DH and I just chatted and said if they let him down like they let me down we will just go out to the pub for lunch and leave them to fend for themselves.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 18/06/2022 17:20

who sorted it previously if you’ve never done it?

My guess is her mother has done it in the past and has got fed up with it. Hence daughter now thinks OP will take over.

NOTANUM · 18/06/2022 17:46

Same in this house. I bought a sports top he asked for because it was expensive and had it delivered so they've done nothing. They decided not to buy a card and are going to make one, which is annoying as it’s a scribble on a bit on a page I’m sure. If I didn’t mention it, they wouldn’t even do that.

He meanwhile is volunteering for a community thing this weekend.

Teens can be hideously selfish.

Original poster
Oni0n · 18/06/2022 17:58

NOTANUM · 18/06/2022 17:46

Same in this house. I bought a sports top he asked for because it was expensive and had it delivered so they've done nothing. They decided not to buy a card and are going to make one, which is annoying as it’s a scribble on a bit on a page I’m sure. If I didn’t mention it, they wouldn’t even do that.

He meanwhile is volunteering for a community thing this weekend.

Teens can be hideously selfish.

She is selfish yes. One of the main reasons I've no interest in sorting it out for her.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 18/06/2022 18:05

AngelsWithSilverWings · 18/06/2022 17:19

No different here with my two DC. Have spent all week reminding them. Sent them both three texts today asking them to confirm they've sorted something , even offered to transfer DD13 some money as she never has any pocket money left. Silence from her. DS16 just replied acting all surprised because he thought it was next week. Told him to walk to Waitrose after work and get some chocolate and a card and he refused because it's raining!

Mother's Day passed by with no gifts for me this year. I was so angry when I discovered that DH had actually bought me a necklace and had given it to DD to wrap and present to me but she couldn't be bothered. DH took it back and held it back for my birthday because I said I didn't want it for Mother's Day after the lack of thought the DC had shown.

Kids can be so selfish at this age.

DH and I just chatted and said if they let him down like they let me down we will just go out to the pub for lunch and leave them to fend for themselves.

Good plan about the lunch. Tell them that the two of you are going out to celebrate Fathers Day but as they clearly don't think it is anything worth celebrating then you will assume that they don't want to come.

RavenousBugblatter · 18/06/2022 18:06

Oh dear, that's annoying.

I think there's a bit of a change from primary school, where they probably make a card for these days, to secondary school, where they don't.

Mumoblue · 18/06/2022 18:06

YANBU. You reminded her multiple times, and you don’t even usually buy her cards, so she’s being silly to suddenly expect it.

Bonheurdupasse · 18/06/2022 18:09

YANBU OP.
Hold your nerve.
Teenagers don't grow out of selfishness if they're enabled.

InFiveMins · 18/06/2022 18:12

She's only 14! 😓I didn't start buying cards for my dad until I was 18+, my DM always sorted it for me or 'helped' me with it until I was an adult. Give her a break and take her to the shop to get her dad something!

Mellowyellow222 · 18/06/2022 18:23

Taking everything into consideration- if I was the step mum in this situation I would jump in the car with her and take her to the shop.

the joy and the horror of step parenting is your aren’t the parent. You aren’t responsible for discipline and building character. I don’t think the girl will learn a huge life lesson from this - but she will remember not having a gift and her step mum refusing to help her out. Unfortunately she would probably forgive her mum easier than the step mum.

she is still a kid - plenty of years ahead of her when she will plan ahead. Help her out.