To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

Yep great comment

@141mum

Urgh get a grip! Wicked stepmother 😂

Are you one of those people whose DC can do no wrong ever? You sound it. The type that would write on here if for example someone was smacked by their DC that the Op must have deserved it, aggravated their child in some way and not met all their needs and wants and whims and that is completely unacceptable but as a mother you put them first and they didn’t ask to be born

This girl has behaved in a lazy and entitled way. She needs to learn. End of. It is nothing to do with the OP and not her responsibility.

I'm sure someone started an identical thread last year about this. She's old enough to have sorted something BUT I think I would facilitate something so that your DH isn't disappointed.

Has she asked her mum for help?

Life lessons like this are what we all need, we just don't realise it at the time!

I live tge idea of doing something for him - breakfast in bed etc. It's lovely.

I'm sure she resents you for the life lesson though....

i think @InFiveMins must be taking the piss

What about the thread where people are advocating allowing a 13yo girl and 14yo boy to spend time alone in a bedroom with no one at home "because they might want to kiss and cuddle" and "if they want to have sex they will". 🤦🏻‍♀️

How much do you give her in pocket money and why is she spending it on sweets and "crap", do you not provide those for her yourself

I do it for grandsons, well I suppose I actually do it for my son so he gets something. I know their mum won't do it and to be fair my son wouldn't do it for mother's day. Before she had a new partner I'd take them to get her a card and some chocolates.

Meh. I sent our four at home to go buy a card, and got him gifts from them. In our case, it’s because there’s nowhere in walking distance to get something he’d like, no transit, and I don’t drive, so had to shop online.

Our adults are coming home tomorrow. One’s bringing dinner, the other I think bought a gift. Frankly, with the price of gas, the two hour drive each way is more than enough for them to spend!

OP doesn't give her pocket money because she isn't her kid, and the second part of this is odd. Do teenagers not often spend their money on sweets and crap whilst out and about exercising their independence? Most parents don't habitually provide those things themselves.

Yes it's for him really isn't it.

You should help her do something IMO.

You know that her father will feel shit that she didn't bother. And yet you are going to just let this happen. Isn't a blended family hard enough? Have you got no car or something or do you live 10 miles from a shop? Just help her, she's 14 and clearly has other priorities (like herself - teens are self absorbed - it's a developmental stage!). I have 2 teens. I wouldn't just say fuck it and have my dh go without. I got my 16yo a card and present for dh as he's in the middle of GCSEs. I got one for my 14yo as well as she's been out playing sports today and busy all week. Neither of them love dh any less, but I am the one who is in and out of convenience shops and it was easy for me to pick up.

Just sort it out - unless of course you are like my step mother who would put on a saddened, sympathetic face and commiserate with my father, gleefully driving the wedge between his 1st lot of kids and hoping that they'll just fuck off one day. Guess what - she got her wish.

Will her dad actually care? I’m sure he can do without some crappy card and gift.

I’d help her out though in your position, it’s not really a big deal unless you want to make drama. Then next year, remind her of what happened this year to make sure she gets it sorted. Yes, she should have done it but she’s a teen and it’s hardly terrible that she hasn’t.

I think for the small inconvenience to yourself, I would tell her on this occasion you will help her out so her dad isn't upset tomorrow.
If it is such a sticking point for you, tell her you won't be helping her next year, she's on her own , you do sound cold.

DO NOT sort anything for her. She is old enough to have sorted something herself after being reminded.
I think you've been very reasonable about her making a card and cake, and I'm assuming he'd really appreciate this.
She needs to learn that if you've no money left, you have to make do. It doesn't magically appear.

Plus, if you haven't done it previously, you're setting youraelf up for an annual task. Every teen has a phone, it's not hard to add fathers Day in the calendar with a reminder.

It's not even that she forgot to get something and has now politely asked for help, it's that she expected OP to do it and has gone off in a huff that she hasn't.

That kind of attitude is rude and entitled and shouldn't be rewarded. It might be different if she realised it's her that should have done something and would be grateful for the help.

I’d use it as an opportunity to help save the situation personally and offer to take her to get something small that he might like, however if that’s not financially/time viable then suggest she does something nice for him like makes some vouchers for things like washing the car, making him coffee etc.

@Oni0n All I can offer is solidarity. Teenagers can be monstrously selfish. The number of times mine asked me "have you got/bought/done" something that they would have been perfectly capable of doing/buying themselves is beyond imagining.

Then there was "well what am I going to do, then?" when you can't provide them, at midnight, with the item they need for the following morning.

I really don't think Father's Day is a biggie, though. It's a commercial invention.

She could, as you suggest, bake a cake (though can't be arsed - yet more typical behaviour). Pick some flowers? Do a job that he normally does? (would be bins/recycling here) Something that's entirely free and involves mental/physical input only from her would be ideal (though you can obviously suggest things, because thinking of them might be a bridge too far).

@rnsaslkih

OMG projection much?!

You clearly see it as your role as woman and mother in the household to facilitate everyone to their own inconvenience but lots of women including OP and myself think ‘fuck that’!

Yes, a TEENAGER - not 4 years old, 14! Well old enough to sort a 50p card out if she wanted to.

I'm not sure what appreciation she'd be showing my husband if I just went and got her a card at 8.30pm the evening before. Isn't she supposed to make some effort? Isn't that the point? To show her appreciation for her Dad.

I have tried to help, I've offered her a solution which would be easy for her to do and which her dad would really like and would look very thoughtful on her behalf. If she doesn't want to do that, why on earth should I bother?

YY to PP and the feet up with wine, I'm planning to join you in that very soon when these LO's are asleep!

I would imagine the majority of 14 year olds would have no problem remembering if it were something for themselves, it's totally reasonable to expect them to take the responsibility. No wonder so many young people are so wet when they're treated like babies until 18!

You sound like the wicked stepmother,

Ah, the usual MN attack on the step mother, the bio mother gets away with it presumably even though she's the one who made him a 'Father'.
I think stepmothers should realise that whatever they do they're wrong.

She's 14, she's had plenty of warning, she's old enough to have done something herself. I can't believe how many people on here are excusing this thoughtless behaviour as normal for a teen. It's only normal if they've been bought up to be entitled , selfish individuals.

Gosh, you seem a bit mean to me, sorry op.