To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

Someone does but it isn't OP.

But again, how would that be her showing appreciation for her dad? It would just be me adding her name to something and her not making any effort.

My DC are much younger so obviously it's a little different but I'd still expect them to have some age appropriate involvement in their dads gift / card. I.e. making things when at primary and then buying/choosing yourself when you're older.

I'd be kind to her and empathetic, but I wouldn't solve the problem for her.

This is what I've done, I've offered a solution that still includes some effort from her and she doesn't want to do it so... 🤷‍♀️

Then her dad can blame himself tomorrow when he gets nothing from her. Being as he’s the father of kids with OP, let’s hope he does a better job with those ones.

It's the right thing to do tbh. I think a lot of children lack resilience and independence because too many adults solve their problems for them.

It’s amazing the awful parenting so many people on here are admitting to. Children learn to be decent, thoughtful, considerate, generous, well rounded human beings by watching how others behave and having a go themselves. Expect nothing from them and you’ll get nothing. Facilitate lazy entitled behaviour and you’ll get a lazy entitled kid. OP is doing her DSD a favour by leaving her to it this time. She’s had fair warning. If she’s got access to the internet or has set foot in a shopping centre over the last month and she’ll have seen Father’s Day everywhere, she’s even been reminded by her lovely step mum ffs.

She’ll pull something out the bag for her dad or she won’t. If she can’t be bothered she might feel bad in the morning and learn to be a bit more thoughtful in future. Or she won’t. But that’s for her dad to tackle. It’s never going to be her step mum’s fault.

So if you’re happy with how you’ve handled it, I’m wondering why you’re on here talking about it? You had no intention of changing your mind clearly.

Absolutely with you on this OP. I’ve no idea why this is something you’d ‘help’ her with. At 14/15 totally capable of doing it herself if that’s the expectation in your family.

We’re not that bothered about mother’s/Father’s Day in this house, another commercialised excuse for spending in my opinion. I get my dad a card but that’s it and wouldn’t expect partner to sort something from our DS.

Well said.

What’s your relationship like with DSD? If one of your bio DC’s were 14 & had been a teenager about something like she is, would you volunteer to drive to Tesco’s to help them out? You sound resentful & like she should be more adult than she is. Does she speak to you that way because of your relationship? Is it generally good? ie the no thanks or please entitlement? Or is she being a teen about things? Doesn’t sound like much warmth towards her. I appreciate it’s not easy being SM. Is there mutual resentment?

Father's day is just a commercial thing anyway. Honestly, just be supportive to the shit/awkward/self indulgent teenager. I'd sort it and I'm incredibly selfish! I'm struggling as to why she needs a life lesson. She asked for your help and that says alot to me.

She didn't ask for her help, she assumed she'd have already done it for her.

I still remember the ~10yo boy who came up to me in HMV years ago and asked me to use his money to buy a DVD for his mum (age restricted but clearly a title a kid wouldn't be interested in)

What's Father's Day? A marketing opportunity foisted upon us by a PR team working for Clinton Cards or the like. Invented so you will buy their products. Seriously, this is your beef? Good grief.

@Sometimeswinning

She needs a life lesson cos she needs to realise that people will not always bail her out when she has messed up.

And she didn’t ask for help if you read the op she rudely assumed it was already sorted for her by OP

I think you’re in the wrong. You come across really resentful of her.

Good grief. The expectations of teenagers on MN get ever lower.

My kids bought Fathers and Mothers day presents out of their own pocket money, from the first year that they had it...maybe around 8 or 9 years old. And very proud they were to do it.
I never ever had to remind them to do stuff for special days. They were always on it (even when younger and I did need to give them the money). They grew up with the concept of cheerful gift giving from toddlerhood.

I'd be appalled and mortified if my 14 year old simply didn't give a damn on Father's Da or similar.

I get the impression that you're a bit pleased op, sorry. I don't know, I'd just be thinking of the father. Would you be disappointed if you didn't receive anything for mother's Day?

@Elphamouche agree!

If only her father had raised her better. OP will likely be disappointed on Mother’s Day when her kids are teens with a father like that.

See, I suppose it depends on your opinion of the purpose of FD (other than selling cards and novelty aprons). I guess I see it as a day to demonstrate appreciation for the father figure in the family from everyone, not just the kids. With that in mind I’d feel a little bad for DSD that she’s a bit out on her own with this and help her sort it (albeit I realise you reminded her) for everyone’s sake.

Same here. You know your DP will be a bit disappointed & yet you’re letting it happen.
Do you want her to look bad to him? Looks like a battle of wills. She’s not going to make something & you’re refusing to help. Surely communicating with her would help. She won’t view you very favourably if you’re so rigid. Yes you’ve told her several times - so how are you both going to fix it. It’s not that big of a deal!

You could have suggested something to bake, helped her get the ingredients out, or helped her do it. Sounds like you don’t have the best of relationships.

It’s these small moments they look back on as adults and really appreciate what was done for them and by whom. If you take her to the shop and help her get a card and some chocolates (and perhaps a bar of chocolate for the two of you to share) she will not drop to her knees in gratitude. You will probably be lucky to get a mumbled “thanks”. However in years to come, in difficult times, in happy times, in special family times, she will remember you going the extra mile.

if I had a pound for every time Dsd has said “oh gosh, do you remember when I did such and such, you must have wanted to kill me!” I would be very comfortable indeed.