To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

'Very young'? 14's not 'very young'. Presumably by now she's able to coordinate doing things she wants to do, so she should be able to get it together to sort something for Father's Day.

If anyone should have made sure she was prompted to sort something, it's her mother. It's not the OP's responsibility.

You have a 14 year old who’s probably pushed from pillar to post between parents that can’t stand each other anymore. Dads new family that she doesn’t fit into, the new baby gets all the attention as does the new partner.

You're just making stuff up.

I completely agree with @Mellowyellow222 .

You don't even sound like you like your DSS very much. Granted, you are not her parent, so you don't HAVE to, and teenagers are notoriously self-obsessed. But this is the child of the man you love and chose to have another child with. Presumably you anticipate having DSS in your life for many, many decades to come?
If strangers on the internet can pick up your vibe of dislike and irritation after one post, without a shadow of a doubt DSS knows how you really feel about her.

She'll remember this, on some level, for your rest of your relationship. That when she was a stupid, dumb teenager, who made a stupid, dumb mistake, her step-mum wouldn't help her.

I get that she's been thoughtless and irritating, but YOU'RE the adult here. You have an amazing opportunity to make some headway with her, but instead you've chose to lower yourself to the level of a petty, thoughtless 14 year old.

She'll remember this, on some level, for your rest of your relationship. That when she was a stupid, dumb teenager, who made a stupid, dumb mistake, her step-mum wouldn't help her.

Or she'll remember the valuable lesson on personal responsibility she was taught by someone who had already given her multiple, repeated reminders about Father's Day.

@LongLiveLiz

you have a good imagination! You’ve just made up a load of shite

Ah good ole MN, it never fails wrt double standards for SM's.

" It's not your job to be the parent, they already have a mother"

" I bet you would do that for your own child though so why not the SC?"

Good for you OP. It will be a valuable lesson not only for your SD but your own children that when they get to that age they will have to cope with doing simple things by themselves.

If anyone should have made sure she was prompted to sort something, it's her mother. It's not the OP's responsibility. We have no idea how the parents get on, the girl's mother might hate him, she might have good reason to for all we know so I don't think it is her responsibility. It would be nice if all divorced/separated parents got on well but the truth is some do and some don't.

That’s why I began with probably, but it’s not beyond the realms of possibilities.

Because no father ever prioritised the upgraded wife and kids for the old ones.

Because no father ever prioritised the upgraded wife and kids for the old ones.

But in fact you have no idea whether it applies or is relevant in this specific family. Sounds like a big standard self-involved, disorganised teen tbh. Anything else is projection and speculation.

When has knowing the facts got in the way of an opinion being put forward on MN? My original comment related to a possible scenario for the 14yr old. It wasn’t an unreasonable assumption and I just think that rather than spending 2 hours on MN slating her SD the OP could’ve nipped to the local store for a card with her. I appreciate she’s not her mother but in theory they’re going to be in each other’s lives for a while and ultimately her child is related to her even if she isn’t. A Father’s Day card isn’t a hill I’d be prepared to die on.

No one is dying on any hill, don't be so melodramatic. It's a normal part of dealing with teens to help them gain some responsibility and planning skills. Which the OP would not have done if she had swooped in and rescued the situation. Other options were offered and rejected.

It's not about the mum's relationship to her ex or whether they get on, though. It's about encouraging her daughter to do the right thing because that's part of parenting.

Foor the hard of reading:

OP OFFERED A CRAFT KIT SO THAT THE GIRL COULD MAKE A CARD.

OP SUGGESTED THAT DSD COULD MAKE A CAKE.

DSD COULDN'T BE ARSED TO DO EITHER.

It's absolutely ridiculous to blame the OP for not doing enough. The girl is 14 years old and perfectly capable of a) understanding that Father's Day is a day when SHE should be showing appreciation to her father and b) going into a shop and buying a card when she's been reminded several times.

Sums things up nicely for me.

Why are you so angry about a scenario on the internet that might be true but might not be?

I'm not angry about a scenario, I'm really frustrated at people answering a completely different scenario, bceause they either can't be arsed to read the OP's posts properly, or they prefer to answer the scenario that they want to believe happened, so that they can berate the OP.

@Mellowyellow222

Because so many people are trying to locate the problem in Op when it’s not her at fault, it is her stepdaughters fault. Op has tried to be helpful and make suggestions and the daughter just couldn’t be arsed. It’s very simple.

And yes it makes me angry when women on here try and attack stepmothers in this way

Your sooooo mean!

Very, very true.

If she was your child I suspect you would be getting a card......I understand why you aren't but I still think you would for your own child

That's pure speculation.

Depressing how this thread has turned into the inevitable stepparent-bash.

@Hhhdfgjjgggjj6677

How so?

@bringincrazyback

I wouldn’t if it was my child. I would give them the exact same response that OP gave

My personal experience is that 13 to 15 is a really trying age for parents and stepparents. YANBU in my view but i would make sure I talk to her as a young adult and communicate. You worked long hours and you are tired. You have reminded her several times so she could plan because you want her to become independent as she is now on her way to being an adult. You love your DP very much and do not wish to have him upset. Wether you decide to take her to the shop or not she will not it is not to "punish" her or make her look bad. Good luck OP