To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

Absolute bollocks. But if you want to make stuff up no one can stop you. The father will care if his daughter, his teenage daughter, can be bothered to do something thoughtful for him. Like make a card or bake a cake - both of which she has plenty of time to do.

Read the post. the Mother provides the pocket money, and the dad sends half towards it.
Asking why she spends her money on sweets and crap, whether it's because they don't provide it is hilarious.
It's not an obligation to provide food detrimental to health, so Hopefully they dont, but if they do and the SD still want to spend her money on more that's her choice also. They can't control what she spends it one, but you'd hope she's be less selfish than not to have bought her own Father something.

She asked you if she’s got anything and…

“I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?”

this is passive aggressive IMO - you don’t know? Of course you bloody know - you know very well that:

a) you told her to sort it and didn’t do it yourself

and

b) she would obviously not have been asking if she had bought/done something herself

so why would you be “blank” if not to be passive aggressive? People can be very difficult without being impolite. Why be so difficult? Why not just say oh I thought you would get something as I reminded you on Tuesday. Shall I take you to the shop to sort it now.

I had exactly the same with my DD(16) - been reminding her over the last 2 weeks - she is on study leave but has been going out with her friends.
So when I collected her at 9pm last night I again asked her about what she got her dad (I had already got a card when I bought mine). Of course she hadn't and said we (!) could go to the supermarket tomorrow after she finishes work at 9pm.
So of course we went yesterday.
Next week it is his birthday so it will be a repeat.

@Thatboymum this is nonsense. I am not a stepmother (would never have become one), and I am a a "decent mother" a thousand times over. Being a "decent mother" does not involve traipsing out to buy a present on behalf of a teenager who has had ample reminders that Father's Day is looming. It involves suggesting alternative solutions, which the OP has done (for a child who is not her own child). The teenager in question seems to think that baking a cake is too much effort, and that it would be easier for someone else to go to a shop to buy something.

Facilitating this behaviour in any teenager is doing them no favours at all. It isn't a stepmother thing.

I started organising stuff like that from me and my brother when I was about 12.

A rude, selfish teenager!!?? Outrageous!! Jeez, she'll learn. Maybe hes a rubbish dad and doesn't deserve anything. Maybe her mum doesn't like him so won't try and push her? Tbf I do it with my kids because he's a great dad. If the op can't be arsed with it then this says alot!

I have also just been asked to drive to Tesco. I have also refused. They came back at me with '
"Dad always drives us to tesco at the last minute to get your mother's day Gift!"

I'm not dad though.

@AnneLovesGilbert well I hope it's absolute bollocks but something about this doesn't sit right with me.

She’s being lazy and selfish. She’s old enough to manage to buy a card, particularly given that she was actually given money AND reminded. She didn’t bother because…she couldn’t be bothered. Nice.

I don’t know if any teenagers her age who have failed to buy cards for key things after being reminded, so YANBU. I think she should have to accept that she decided to spend none of her time and money thinking about him so therefore has nothing to give him. Let it be a life lesson; if you have zero thought for other people - your own parent - it’s embarrassing when you miss their birthdays / anniversaries / Father’s Day etc.

I’m hard on things like this because I think they are important and it’s too easy for teenagers like her to learn that they can make zero effort to show appreciation for family members because someone else will pick up the job to spare her embarrassment and her thoughtlessness. You told her repeatedly and she couldn’t be arsed. Now it’s time for her to learn what happens!

I used to buy a card and a present for dsc to give to their dad because the first year we were all together for lunch on fathers day they never mentioned it no card no present no happy fathers day

I mentioned it to my dp after we dropped them off and he said well they probably did not have any money (he pays maintenance and gives them money every week, ) he said yes it would have been nice.
That is why after that I got a card and a present for them to give dp

Yes they were bloody selfish but dp was upset so I did it for him.
Op does not mean you have to take sd to the shop but it might be nice for her to give her dad something

she’s remembered late, but ultimately it would be your husband being punished for it.

Laughing at this.....why would a grown man care whether or not he gets a Hallmark Holiday card?

Maybe the op would have reacted differently if sd had suggested what she would like to do or get for her father a little in advance. Eg bake a cake and did sm have the ingredients? Perhaps sd needed certain things to decorate it and please would sm get them for her when she went to do a food shop. If sd knew her dad would like a particular reasonably priced gift please could sm help her out with the cost?
To just expect sm to have it all sorted for her is selfish behaviour and shows a complete lack of thought for dad or sm and is just plain lazy.
The op has made very reasonable suggestions and should do no more, unless sd suddenly decides to act and politely asks for a little help in baking.
A card, homemade or not and maybe a small gift which shows she cares has more value than one bought on her behalf by sm. Dad is no fool. It really is the thought that counts and clearly sd has put no thought into fathers’ day at all.

I'd have taken her to tesco. Sense this is a step child issue. Bet you anything you will be more helpful with your own child.

Neither of her mums? OP isn't her mum. Fairly confident she's heard that from SD's mum and quite possibly SD herself.
OP enjoy your wine. For all my evil step-parenting I'll likely offer to help bake or make something. Cos I'm always kind to DSC.
Can't lead a horse to water tho.

He might not care. From the way OP sounds she’s not that bothered either. Doesn’t seem to know if she’s bought a card for DSD not, not fussed if her DH is disappointed or not. Bothered enough to put a thread out to canvass opinion though.

OP did suggest to DSD that she make a cake for her dad. You're seriously suggesting that she should have got the ingredients out for her too? SERIOUSLY?

The girl can't even be bothered to make her dad a cake. And that isn't OP's fault remotely.

A rude, selfish teenager!!?? Outrageous!! Jeez, she'll learn. Maybe hes a rubbish dad and doesn't deserve anything. Maybe her mum doesn't like him so won't try and push her? Tbf I do it with my kids because he's a great dad. If the op can't be arsed with it then this says alot!

Yes she will learn - by people not constantly bailing her out.

OP has been reminding her every time she's seen her for some time. She has "been arsed". SD has left it to the very last minute and then been rude about it. It's beyond just being arsed (at the end of a long day), she would be sending SD a terrible message by indulging her rudeness.

Just give her a bloody quid and take her to the shop. Shes inconsiderate and last minute, shes also a typical teenager. Get yourself some chocolate while your there and make the best of it. You could have done it in less time than it's takenyou to write out reasons why you shouldn't have to on mumsnet.

Otherwise enjoy the tale she will tell DH about how you wouldn't help.

Why are you making this about you?
It's about your husband feeling appreciated. So what if you have to help out because she didn't get a card this time? It's not ideal, but completely normal teenage behaviour. Nothing to get wound up over.
You seems more put out by how she's acting towards you and aren't concerned about how her dad or she will feel tomorrow when she has nothing to give him.

This is it for me.

Give a bit of a lecture, then jump in the car and take her, she’ll remember that you helped. Whereas now you’re just putting barriers up. yes it’s annoying, but in the time you’ve been on here, you could have solved the issue.

I wouldn’t take over and do Father’s Day gifts in this case either.

when my older dc were younger they’d spend ages looking for the right gifts for DH (usually funny socks) and give me their save pocket money to buy it online. They’d both go and get cards themselves.

they’ve been doing that for a few years now. No way would I step in if they turned around and asked what they’d gotten DH the night before Father’s Day, despite me reminding them it’s Father’s Day. I don’t bother reminding them either, you’d have to wilfully ignore it to miss that it’s Father’s Day.

my younger dc make things at school and nursery for DH. Older ones will one also baked cookies and brownies for Father’s Day.

if mine can manage since they were 12 and 10 years old I really don’t see any reason why it’s horribly difficult for a 14 year old to do something for her dad if she wants to.

OP has suggested DSD bake something and make a card. DSD doesn’t want to.
I’d just accept that as DSD’s decision and not interfere.

I’m usually the first to side with the child over the step parent on threads like this, but I genuinely think you’ve done enough with the reminders. 14 is well old enough to give enough of a shit to buy a £1 card.