To have told her she'll need to sort something herself

[Oni0n]

DSD is a teen (14 nearly 15). I've reminded her already that it's father's day on Sunday.

She's just asked me half an hour ago 'have I got a card to give him or something?' basically saying 'have you sorted me a card to give my dad?' I just looked blankly and said I don't know, have you?

She is now saying she's got no money and won't have anything to give him because she thought I was going to sort it. Why she thinks that I don't know as I never have done before.

She gets pocket money but spends it on sweets and other crap.

I've told her sorry but I've not got anything and I'm not rushing to the shop now so she'll have to either make him something or not give him anything.

AIBU?

We do have a child together however they have made a card and gift at nursery so theirs is sorted.

She’s 14 and still learning…. I would treat it as a learning opportunity and try and make it a positive one so that she can reflect on it in the future and be more independent….

Why would a nearly 15 year old who receives regular pocket money and goes to the shop by themselves all the time need 'help' to pick up a card? If she's capable of picking up a bag of sweets I'm sure she's capable of walking to the card section of the same store. She doesn't need help to get a card until she's 18, she just didn't think about it.

I wouldn’t expect a 14 y/o to use their own pocket money to buy a gift for fathers/Mother’s Day.

IME in most cases when parents have separated the mother would buy something for Father’s Day and the father would buy something for Mother’s Day.
If they’re not on good on good enough terms to do that then usually the persons partner helps out.

Do people really need things for fathers/Mother’s Day?
I’d explain to him and tell her not to worry about it and if you’ve got the stuff to make him some pancakes or something.

Are they doing anything for it?

I'm surprised that people expect DC to buy presents from pocket money. My parents always bunged us a little extra for the other parent at these times. Different if older and receiving a healthy allowance, but a little bit of pocket money doesn't go far.
Honestly I'm not sure there's a lesson to be learned in a teenager feeling ashamed/embarrassed they're more likely to just dig heels in a rewrite the narrative, so they are the victim in it all.
Honestly I would help her this time, but make it clear you won't do it again.

At 14 I had had a Saturday job for a year and was quite capable of realising when important days were and getting the card/present myself! What "help" do you think is needed? 😳

As a mum, I hate all these mothers and Father’s Day bollocks. Tell her to be imaginative and find a free way of expressing her love and gratitude towards her dad, rather than buying a shit card. Like, write a poem or a few sentences about him. Or draw or make up a song or rhyme, I don’t know. Maybe give her a hand and use it to do something together.

I have to say I think you're being a bit mean. It's a relatively small thing and she's very young and you seem very harsh and judgemental for no apparent reason. She forgot. She's young and people do. But it would be nice to come up with a solution to help her rather than going on about how she spends her pocket money. Can she not make him an e card? Might be a bit cooler? You could maybe suggest she modify a photo or something in funny way. Teens are so self conscious she may feel she just can't make him something as in drawn. But maybe a jokey or cool photo ecard might be more teen and help her save face?

This is what I've done, told her to bake him a cake or something. She's not so far...

I don't really have an opinion or not on whether she should buy out of her pocket money or whether her mum could have gotten something for her to give him it's not for me to say. Personally I don't think spending a quid out of your pocket money on a card is a huge ask but whatever it's up to her parents what they expect.

It was the assumption that I'd just got her something to give him. No please or would you mind? Just 'have I got a card to give him then?'...!

It’s a shame she wasn’t a bit more on the ball. I always remind mine the weekend before, I did them down and say ‘what have you got for Father’s Day/nanny’s birthday’ etc. Then if they had nothing I’d say ‘okay well go and get your piggy bank and let’s get organised.’

By teens I’d hope they’d be able to sort it themselves, but that’s because they’ve always had the support of me demonstrating how to organise these types of things. I wouldn’t do it all for them/leave it to school every year then expect them to be suddenly independent in sorting it. I would maybe ask if she’d like an advance on her pocket money, with the obvious caveat that she’ll then have none next time. And maybe her dad could encourage her to keep a diary/calendar in future with special days written down. I do think organisation with things is an important skill to be modelled and taught rather than parents just deciding ‘ok you’re 14, you should be able to do everything.’ It makes much more sense to assist the child to do it from an early age then they have the tools to be more organised when they’re 14.

I wouldn’t expect a 14 y/o to use their own pocket money to buy a gift for fathers/Mother’s Day.

utter lunacy. I went away to school and bought (rubbish on reflection but i gave it a lot of thought at the time) Christmas, birthday and M/F Day gifts for my family. From age 10. My own DCs started choosing/buying presents for us at around the same age.

Stay firm OP. They learn better that way.
Also kudos to pp planning on going out for lunch tomorrow. It concentrates their minds wonderfully when they see what selfishness and/or thoughtlessness brings.

However, are you not getting him a gift from your child? Like the child will only be giving him the card they made at nursery.

Have you actually spoken to them about their behaviour? They sound rude and selfish but I wouldn’t have simply sent texts. I would have been having an actual conversation and explaining that they’re too old to be self-centred and rude. But I think you’re being unreasonable to put this type of behaviour down to ‘kids can be selfish at that age.’ I know plenty of kids between 13-16 and none (actually one but she’s an outlier) would behave like that.

I haven't bought a gift from ours, they made a trophy thing at nursery which he's giving him along with the card they did. I would have done if they hadn't made something at nursery.

Is there not a local shop she could walk to? I would give her a fiver so she can get a card and some chocolates or something but I wouldn't be going for her

Mumsnet is crazy. A post earlier about a 14 year old being left over night was met with wails of 'he's just a child, a baby no less'. But now this 'child' is expected to have sorted her dads card/gift, with her own pocket money. Which would have been nice, but 14 is a tough age. Shame her mum didn't support her with this.

Surely you can help her a bit. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable making a cake or cookies in your kitchen. I couldn't let her feel like shit tomorrow when your child gives him a card and gifts and she has nothing. Let her learn a lesson another day. Or maybe I'm just soft.

I agree, baking a cake would be nice.

She's baked loads in our kitchen, it's nothing to do with that. She just can't be arsed doing it tonight.

Why don't you speak with DSD mum or advise your DSD to ask her OWN mum?

It doesn't seem your the right person. We didn't make cards in my high school for any occasion day I thought that stopped in primary school.

Good spot

Why would it be a problem if I were? (I'm not but hypothetically speaking). Our child is much much younger (nursery age) and doesn't have another mother who could have sorted it.

YANBU at all and there have been some hilariously ridiculous replies on here. My DSC are around this age and when they were little I’d take them to choose something for DH and I’d pay, we’d make him breakfast in bed etc. Over time they’ve said they want to choose and pay for themselves, last year one got him a small gift and made a card, the other bought a nice card. Those things mean far more to their dad, they’re genuinely from the kids.

She’s been lazy and now can’t be arsed. That sucks for her dad but it wouldn’t be better if you’d bought something from her, she’d only have learnt she can drop the ball and you’ll cover for her. It wouldn’t have meant much to him. Hopefully she’ll pull something out the bag but if not it’s no reflection on anyone but her.

YANBU as she’s had notice and was reminded however you’re the adult here and you’re forgetting that she’s a child, Father’s Day is not about you and you might not like her very much but she is your step daughter so she’s presumably going to be in your life for years to come, pick your battles, this really isn’t one.

When you say you reminded her over the last couple of weeks, what did you actually communicate to her? Did you tell her that you’re expecting her to go to the shop and buy a card out of her own money?

YANBU to feel annoyed at the entitlement, but I’m just wondering whether it’s actual entitlement or whether it’s more that she didn’t know the goalposts have changed this year.

You sound like the wicked stepmother, she’s a teenager, would love to see what happens when yours are that age, yes it’s easy when they small, the school sorts it out
stop being so mean