Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

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My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Oh OP, I'm sorry. It sounds really hard and it's it's frustrating when you know something could be lovely but it just doesn't pan out the way you'd hoped.

If being at the lodge is nice, I think I'd stay for now. Make a decision about the painting later if you can, or just skip it. Sometimes just unwinding together in a different place is a holiday in itself.

I hope your weekend improves. xx

I have no advice but can you just stay in the lodge this afternoon for a change of scene if nothing else.
It must be very difficult for you both I hope you get the help you need soon.

That sounds hard. To be honest most very young children are happiest at home but that obviously doesn’t mean you just stay there.

Re the swimming why not just change back at the lodge? Wrap him up and take him back for a treat and avoid the changing rooms.

Then just keep it all very low key and find small pleasures where you can.

It sounds so tough on both of you OP

Would it help if you stopped planning activities?

Planned activities with toddlers can go wrong at the best of times because you can almost guarantee by the time you do them, they just don't want to.

How about you just see where the day takes you and what your toddler enjoys at that given moment?

But just because you will enjoy doing things with him, doesn't mean he will enjoy doing things with you. Maybe you need to shift your viewpoint a bit.?

Sounds like you’re at Centre Parcs?

The situation sounds really tough. My children are NT but when we go away (we recently went to CP) they find it a bit overwhelming and are definitely not their best selves. We have found that booking a longer break is better so they can settle in and get used to it. And we can all relax.

If I was you I would stay. Take all pressure off. Maybe each of you try and have some time by yourselves - go for a run/walk/swim by yourselves? Don’t do activities. If your son is fine in the lodge then stay there, have a BBQ, open a bottle of wine.

good luck.

Thank you for the comforting comments everyone. @MatildaTheCat that is a good idea, it would probably be easier to do that. Thank you. Xx

@worraliberty Everything here you have to book in so there’s not too many doing the same thing at the same time unfortunately, but today we could just try the swimming as you don’t need a slot for that and maybe the park if things go well. Thank you. Xx

Apart from the hitting himself I wouldn’t say it sounds too dissimilar to most active 2 yr olds.
2 yr olds rarely sit and do activities - well maybe some do but mine never- they need physical activity. Parks! Running around! Soft play! What’s he like at those things?
sitting and painting and drawing comes later imo.

@MrsPartridgeKleio I do understand where you’re coming from, but of course the whole point is that we’ve booked the activities we think he will enjoy, and what I mean is we’d love to enjoy those with him.

That sounds really tough. I would give your partner a hug and perhaps have a chilled holiday and avoid any triggers for meltdowns right now. Take a look at early intervention as a child centred early intervention approach can look at increasing functional communication, co-operation and tolerance, transitions etc xx

@OnlyFoolsnMothers We went to the park yesterday and he had a meltdown as there were too many children there. They do have a soft play which we’re going to take him to as he loves soft play. X

Try not to worry about what others are thinking. By all means remove your child from the arena but put the thoughts of strangers out of your mind. Many of the mums will feel sorry that you are having to deal with this terrible two phase. Stay strong. Take no notice if the stares and comments. How dare they. I’d come over to you to see if I could help? In doing so it might distract your baby?

Don’t give up your break away. Take him swimming, tire him out. What does it really matter if he kicks off afterwards? You are used to dealing with it presumably, so carry on.
Your partner with respect, needs to “man up” especially if you are dealing with the tantrums on your own everyday whilst your partner works. Crying is not the answer.

You need to work as a team, maybe you do, but until you have a proper diagnosis, just keep on doing the best you can. Unless it turns out to be autism, this terrible twos phase will pass!

@Kfjsjdbd Its a bit like centre parcs but for younger children! Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it, I will see how things go xx

Sounds exactly like me little boy.

It is hard work and overwhelming and I totally understand why your partner was crying.

My only advice would be don't overload your little boy, do things you know he will like and don't try too many new things.

Don't go home, he needs to learn that at times things are different and not always his 'routine'

Take him swimming and accept he will probably melt down at the end but just be prepared to distract him I find if I have an apple ready he stops as soon as he gets the apple.

I am a very conscious person and worry about what others are thinking about my sons behaviour etc but I'm starting to learn I've done nothing wrong I can't change my son and he is still entitled to experience life. Just try and enjoy the holiday and accept there will be meltdowns along the way.

I've just returned from a week abroad with my son and despite some extremely challenging moments he actually surprised me with how well he adapted.

My 3 year old is on the path way and getting changed after swimming is a nightmare for us too.
Things we have learnt;
Snacks
YouTube on my phone
Quick as possible
Sometimes we take his costume off and just wrap in a towel and get out.
He loves swimming so we just try to deal with the aftermath. It's hard ofc and those 5 mins of getting changed seems like an hour.
Don't care what anyone thinks, no one knows what's going on with that child.

The other activities, try him. If after 5 mins you know he's not feeling it then just leave.
No one will think anything of it honestly.
I had to leave a kids party the other week as it got too much.

I suggest walking n the woods imagine they have them.Let him play with leaves etc no pressure just quiet,listen to the birds.Then back to the lodge and let him play with his own things.The activities are too much for him.Try and relax.I know how hard it is.

Stay, OP. If DS can't cope just withdraw from the activity and do something else.

It's so hard, isn't it?

Honestly, he is 2. He doesn't need to do organised activities especially if he finds them overwhelming. I wouldn't end the holiday but I would just take him out for a play in the forest and allow him some freedom. My Ds who has asd was always better at that age when he was outside. On the swimming, plenty of kids have tantrums in changing rooms, no one will bat an eyelid. If he loves swimming, take him.

Dont worry OP, I’ve carried my toddlers out of music classes and messy play over the years (throwing painted spaghetti in other parents faces and running for exit- fun times). My advice, low expectations with children and activities, even lower expectations with 2 yr olds and activities, spend your time burning their energy, and don’t give a second thought to anyone looking at you- their day will come! if you need to remove your little one do so. Equally if they are having a tantrum on the floor wait until finished.

Thank you so much for all the advice and comments. We booked painting because he loves to do it at home but I think we’ll see how he gets on over the next few hours and maybe give it a miss and instead try the soft play and swimming, great idea about taking him out in a towel I think that would be much better.

We’ll stay and go with the flow, he does like his new teddy bears which is a bonus so he’s enjoying himself at the lodge now.

I’m guessing he’s out of routine, doesn’t know what’s happening next or when, and so feels overwhelmed.

Maybe attempt a clear “We’re going to make cheese sandwiches together then we’re going to eat them for lunch.”
Duribg lunch tell him “We’re going swimming for a treat, but we can’t stay in the pool all afternoon”. Then “We have to get out of the pool and get changed in 10 mins / 5 mins/ now”.

So “now we’re doing x, next we’ll do y” to set expectations. It may or may not work, but having some sort of strategy or plan at least makes it less stressful. In theory...,

But if it’s just too much then remember there’s no law that says you have to leave your cabin or not just cut the holiday short.

This. You've described my DS at two, who is now a perfectly normal 13yo choosing his GCSEs.

Stop worrying about what other people think about your child. They are absolutely irrelevant.

Take your child out as a family of three, go to quiet places, woodland, countryside, beaches. Enjoy yourself as a family in a natural environment where he is less likely to be overwhelmed. (Those indoor swimming complexes with all that horrible booming noise are enough to upset any small child.) Remember, he is still very young. Stop comparing him to others. Kids progress at hugely different rates.

Give your partner a hug and then tell them to get a grip. If you want your child to be calm and confident then they need to model that behaviour and be the grown up here, no matter how difficult.

I’d do the swimming but other than that stay away from structured activities.

Given it is your holiday too, can you arrange things do you and your partner each get some time to yourselves to do something?

It sounds like structured activities and transitions are what is causing the meltdowns, which is not uncommon. It's hard when they are non verbal because they can't explain to you what the problem is and what they'd rather do.

How is his receptive language? With transitions it can help to rehearse many times what the sequence of events will be and to give lots of reminders of the transition that is coming up, so it's not a sudden shift for him. I would also agree with others that less structured activities might be easier for now, as you're on holiday.

Regarding your partner having a quiet cry, that's totally ok and it's fine to feel sad or frustrated. It's not a question of having to "man up", it's not healthy to squash emotions like that. As others have said, give him a hug and empathise with him and then discuss how you can make things easier on yourselves for the rest of the holiday.

@MintJulia The beach is a wonderful idea and we are close to one so skipping activities and going to enjoy the beach I think would be perfect. Thank you for putting that in my head!