Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Just wanted to give some support after reading. We went on a very similar (CP) holiday when my DS was about your son's age, and it was there that I really admitted to myself that he needed to be assessed for autism and phoned to get the ball rolling. He was diagnosed a year later and he is now 9. I wish that at that difficult time in my life someone could have shown me what a wonderful boy he would turn into. Yes, we have to work hard with him on many aspects of his life, but we have a happy, funny, kind boy who has lots of friends at school and his brother adores him.
You will get there with your DS too, when you get used to what works for him and you.

Why does a 2 year old need such a full on itinerary? Slow down the pace, ease off the sensory overload and allow time to breathe and take stock of the environment around you. Some
of the simplest activities are the best ones… a nature walk, just you guys, would probably be enough for him this afternoon 😊

Honestly, if he's only two, organised activities will be too much for him in any event. Kids often have massive meltdowns when using pools. My son had pretty extreme behaviour at that age. He is hyperlexic and was very sensitive to noise and could be quite rigid. He had huge head banging tantrums. Forget the organised activities. Take the pressure off yourselves, still take him swimming and just try to keep things low key.

Op, children who are one possible are on the spectrum can have trouble transitioning from doing something in one setting to doing it in another. So, yes, he likes painting at home but he may just not be able to cope with it elsewhere because it’s not the same as what he’s used to.

it may also help him to make sense of his day whilst away from home by doing a pictorial ref as to how his day will pan out. So perhaps an illustration of breakfast followed by paying with his toys then an illustration of a swimming pool followed by his next activity which may be back to the lodge for more playing or a nap.

and it may also help if you can get him used to a countdown for when an activity will clime or an end. It can even be an alarm on your phone and you would give him one sounds he recognizes as perhaps a two minute warning then another to signal the end of an activity.

I think it also might be worthwhile to try and start using visual references for other things throughout his day as this can reduce the frustration of not yet having speech. So if it’s bath time a picture of the bathroom or a place setting for dinner or a cup of juice he could even show you if he is thirst. Don’t forget that communication just isn’t about speaking.

Would I go home? Quite honestly if your son would be happy going for walks and then spending time in the lodge then I’d stay because it would still be a holiday albeit it not the one you hoped for.

Oh bless you please dont go home ! If he is not talking yet is he maybe frustrated so perhaps is having more meltdowns than normal? If organised activities are too stressful just let him run about , you don't have to do all that art and craft stuff if it is too structured etc

Agreeing with lots of the other posters.
as a mum of 3 and a nursery nurse, lots of this behaviour is standard and quite often children grow out of their coping mechanisms to overwhelming situations.

if you know the triggers and the stress it causes- avoid them, do what works for you as a family.
there is no law that says you must comply with activities and have daily adventures but what will help is safe regular routines both at home and outside of the home.
it won’t always seem
this stressful and worrying and dealing from experience these are the best years xx

Fellow ADHDer here. ASD is not the same thing. Your ignorance is shocking. A lot of toddlers are diagnosed with ASD, because frankly, sometimes it is bleeding obvious from a very young age.

And next time - read the full thread and pay attention to what OP is saying.

Hand hold OP. My 2.5 year old ds once threw such an enormous fit at the pool that it took me over an hour to get him dressed. He also used to head butt, bite and hair pull, it was so stressful going to soft play etc.

he has calmed down a lot now, though he is reliably not that interested in any structured activity and still might push kids in a new environment. Is your Ds better running about in woods or at rivers? I find those the best activities for us atm

It hard, if he has Autism anything could trigger him.
If he cannot communicate, he could get frustrated at this.
It could be too many people, could upset him if in a shop they have music on, this could be too loud, or it could be the lights are too bright.
I have even heard of a child constantly taking his school trousers off, because he didn't like the fabric and they weren't comfortable.
Unfortunately, people will always stare a judge you, as they think all kids are perfect, but in the real world, I can say that no child is perfect and who would want that any way.
It is hard, when your child has additional needs, that others don't understand. My son, likes the shopping to be a certain way in the trolley, so I let him put stuff in, when he is shopping with me. I don't why he does this, but it calms him, so I let him. He has anxiety and his dad knows this but doesn't understand, his triggers or he will say, why doesn't he act like other teenagers, but I say he isn't like others.

@Ponderingwindow can I ask if you’d mind sharing the systems you use to help with transitions? Could maybe help in our house. Thanks

Bloody hell, don’t do this!

I just saw this and yes, I have to agree with it. And all the more so to doing things other people thought were crazy. Mind you we were doing this 30 plus years ago when they’re was no internet to find help via and to be honest I think it was better in a way because we really were able to carry on without being concerned about others trying to contradict us.

That sounds really tough. For each of you. I have experience (a 21yr old autistic son) and personally I have a diagnosis of Aspergers.

when my son was young (he diagnosed aged 4) he was very difficult to please. That was because I was insistent on being a good mum; ie, mums and tots groups, Centre Parks, having other mums round with their toddlers, meet-ups/picnics in the park. My son HATED it, I was fraught and DH and I argued about what to do. If I sang or played with my son, he didn’t like it. He’d have a tantrum or as the health visitor said “terrible twos”.

Years later, I backed off. I let him do what he wanted. Repetition and shutdowns were necessary parts of his coping mechanism. By aged 2/3 he’d spend hours (and I do mean hours) lining up toys in colour/size order. If anyone tried appropriate play with the toy (brumm brum, toot toot! Etc) he’d get very upset. I’m not suggesting you ignore your son; nor stop stimulating him/playing with him etc but… I wish someone had told me to allow my neurodivergent offspring to do it “learn and develop” in HIS way.

He’s 21 now. He has a part time job in a cafe. He’s a wonderful young man. Such kindness and empathy. He also does volunteer work. I’m proud of him.

It’ll be Ok, OP. Really, it will. Just don’t overstimulate your boy. He needs his downtime. Needs to rest his different brain.

Hi op . Just keep things very simple. It sounds like your DS is getting overwhelmed . If he's happy playing in the lodge let him. I suggest if you have an activity keep it very simple . Make it clear we're going swimming then a snack when we have our towel on .
Lots of children find it easier to cope if they know what's happening next .
schools use picture charts of the day for some of the autistic children so they can visualise the day . Your son may be a little young to do a whole day chart but might be ok with two or three things on it . But don't divert off what you tell him is happening.

I was thinking the same. My son now 3 would have done the same at 2 and definitely does at times. In fact we had a tantrum in the changing rooms at CP because he didn’t want to leave. My mum was so embarrassed. I wasn’t bothered.

every child is different. This is just what worked for our child

for systems, we have done so many different things over the years. Our biggest issue was bedtime so at 2.5 I made laminated cards that had the bedtime steps on them. We would go and turn over each card as we did the steps. It changed it from a battle of Mom and dad are making me do these two things into, the cards say this is what we do at bedtime. I don’t know why, but it worked.

this eventually evolved into an elaborate magnetic flip chart of interchangeable chores with no detachable pieces for a 10 yo.

immediate bribes. We did a reward shelf with little trinkets and when we needed to work on a behavior, we would set really reasonable goals so that a 3 year old would earn a trip to the shelf once a day if they tried at all. As they improve, you slowly up the requirements and they don’t even notice. One example might be potty training. Do a a sticker chart. Start with 3 pees in the potty gets a reward. Do that for a few days. The next time you print out a chart, make it 4 squares per line. Eventually my kid would forget to ask for a sticker. we would bring back the rewards when it was time for another skill. The key for us was to never require things to be in a row.

for just going between places, get dressed at, cleaned up, etc as much as possible at home. We live somewhere where we have to travel by car so this was easier. No matter how wet or messy, we would just go home. Sometimes I put down plastic sheeting or towels to keep the car from getting destroyed, like when I picked up my child from especially muddy days at outdoor preschool, but i never tried to do cleanup on-site like most parents.

don’t fight food battles out of the house. It’s not worth it. If you are going out to eat, feed them before and just order the kid dessert at the meal.
always look at nutrition over the course of the day and the week, never the meal.

Haven't RTFT and see you've had loads of responses, I'm sure they all say the same. DS was the same when younger, we had all sorts of meltdowns and often had to leave events or trips early, or forget the idea of a pub lunch - that's life with a child with ASD. Don't fight it - just leave the situation. He's too young to understand anything and isn't doing it on purpose to upset you. Just remember he is struggling to cope and you need to take him where he can be calm.

DS was diagnosed at 4. Still not toilet trained, we had poo smearing all over himself and his bedroom the summer before he was due to start school. He was verbal by then though. His twin sister had for years to get out of the car and back in the other side, or go to the back of the bike ride so he could get home first, or leave parties because of meltdowns. We all had difficult times because that's how it goes.

But they are now teenagers and he is the loveliest boy. We have absolutely no issues with him at all. All my heartbreak now is for him because he struggles academically and socially, and I want his life to be perfect - but the meltdowns and tantrums are long gone. Hang in there - it does seem overwhelming when they are that young and maybe your partner is just coming to terms with the idea your DS might not have the life he'd planned for him - but it honestly and truly does get easier.

Hi, my NT son was exactly like this at 2/3 years old. I had thought that was standard. Every other parent looking at you will be looking in understanding as they will have had that at some point or another

2.5 was a horrible age. Massive tantrums, screaming, having to be the one to push lift buttons, overwhelm etc. Even my DH seemed tearful and at his wits end and he is utterly zen and smiley.

3.5 is totally different and we’ve had a great day out today with loads of different activities, walking and people.

Im really pleased about your update. Hope you have a lovely time. I found we never ever had a problem in a cake shop!

You don't seem selfish at all children with additional needs can be hard work particularly if you don't have the support. He may have found the noise and other people quite overwhelming and if he is autistic he will tend to prefer a predictable routine and need a little preparation for change. Also one tip for the meltdowns at the swimming pool give him reminders that the swimming pool will soon be finished perhaps with something visual like a timer using simple language, that way when it's time to leave it's not so abrupt. Maybe there's too much structure for him he's still quite young. You can perhaps take a walk and let him take the lead and explore I like the idea of the beach you can still do something creative in a quiet outdoor area. Hopefully, he will soon be diagnosed and you can get support from different professionals. It might help to look up the autistic society they may have some good advice. Enjoy your holiday.

My son whose now 35 was one of the first to be diagnosed in Somerset so life was very difficult for us then as not a lot known about it hang on in there lots of cuddles Ignore people around you Good luck for your diagnose and be strong because there will be battles along the way especially with education

Tell your DH to read this book, it will make him feel better:

"Autism Breakthrough: The ground-breaking method that has helped families all over the world" by Raun K. Kaufman.

Start reading it for free: amzn.eu/iohvSbU

This is one of the most unhinged posts I've ever read on Mumsnet

Maybe the poster is living up to their handle.