Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

We have sons around the same age and yes it was very difficult back then.

but more to the point - if I said beanbags to you would I be correct in thinking that we know each other from when our boys were much younger and we met on a forum and we even spent the day with your family.

Two year olds can be bastards, and a good sob is a perfectly healthy way to deal with it.

Don’t bust a gut trying to please DS - if it doesn’t work you’ll only feel worse/more skint/more knackered. He’s two, he likes toddler things so keep it simple.

Keep evenings adult and that time sacred. It’s really, really important to maintain your well-being and your time to have fun.

My colleague’s daughter at this age smeared poo from her nappy all over her legs at a work picnic. Nobody batted an eyelid because she’s two. Anything is within the realms of normal behaviour at 2.

You’re both overthinking the stares. Poor you though. We’ve all been there. Give your fella a big hug and definitely don’t tell him to man up (toxic masculinity right there!) You both need love and compassion.

Ooh sounds great. May I ask the name of it and whereabouts in the UK it is please? May give it a try!

Op, I could have written this myself 6 years ago.
DS was a nightmare at age 2. He wasn’t talking, would headbutt and have the most high pitched scream. Couldn’t take him anywhere.

We paid privately for speech therapy in the end and within a few weeks he was speaking in 3 word sentences, by the age of 3 he was reading!

When this started, we put him in nursery 2 half days a week to try and improve his social skills. At 3.5 he started school nursery and I think at this point we started to see an improvement.

He’s 8 now and is the brightest most able child I have ever met in my life. I think there may be ASD and I suspect sensory processing disorder, but he’s high functioning so we’ll see how it goes.

With DS, we just corrected his behaviour constantly, we didn’t pander to any of his meltdowns or his screaming or anything. We did try distraction which occasionally helped. He still has meltdowns now and we send him to his room to calm down and talk to him about how to deal with them. I refused to walk on egg shells, or stick to certain routines to not upset him. It’s worked for us.

Have you tried using simple sign language to help you all communicate, maybe this will reduce his frustration.

You don't sound selfish at all.

My nephew is really autistic, non verbal til aged 11 so everything was pictures or signed, nappies til 12 and really sensitive to noise. Head banging to every sound, house alarms, emergency service sirens, ice cream man. Didn't like anything out of the routine.

Repetition and telling him things where due to happen in the future and reminders of that right up to the day seemed to work slightly. Noise cancelling headphones too.

My nephew just started talking one day out the blue. Now we think he could all along but chose not too. One day he used the loo. Now those sounds don't upset him. He's 17 now.

Things will get really hard and it is overwhelming. But you're both doing a smashing job. One day it will be better.

Also is he 2 did I read that right? My mum used to make excuses for my nephew sometimes if he had been naughty and my brother would say no it's not because of the autism it's because he's just being naughty and pushing his luck. Like any other little boy.

If your child is 2 then sounds like terrible 2s. My other nephew is the same an non autistic. Christened 2 weeks ago and did laps of the church right through the service!

Set your boundaries. Your child has to learn them like any other little boy. Be firm. Anyone stares, stare back. They're rude and should be the ones embarrassed, not you xxxx

Hi OP the only way you are going to slowly get your child used to new environments with the additional needs or understand what doesn't work is by trying them slowly and at your own pace, don't feel bad about outbursts or behaviours, most of the public will be very understanding and anyone that isn't you can embarrass publicly and correct their judgmental behaviours. It's perfectly normal for your partner to feel overwhelmed, just communicate honestly and support one another maybe even seek counselling if needed. x

Just go for lots of walks and spend time outdoors, that's a nice low pressure activity. He might seem like he's OK in a new environment but then doing all this other new things is too much. I totally relate to your situation though, just know you'll figure out what makes him tick and sets him off and it'll get easier. While waiting for an assessment I would look at coping mechanisms and ways you can help him and just figure out what helps. Everything can be a lot for a little being, especially a potentially neurodivergent one ❤️

Hi, I’ve been there Op, my son is now a teenager but it’s been a long hard slog with some awful moments in there. He wasn’t officially diagnosed until late primary school but had lots of interventions such as SLT, Occupational therapy and educational psychologist assessments along the way as he would trash classrooms, hit, kick and throw epic proportion tantrums when he was overwhelmed. He was awarded a place in an SEN school for behavioural disorders from Year 6 and has thrived in the smaller classes with experienced and tuned in staff.
We learned fairly quickly that it wasn’t just the terrible twos, that played a part but our little boy was suffering confusion, anxiety, frustration etc as he couldn’t make sense of the barrage of sensory information overloading him; sounds, sights, smells etc. You will need reserves of patience, a thick skin, a sense of humour and to have contingency plans in place for all activities. The key is to prepare your son for each change of state. A bit young for the “ in 5 minutes” sort of prep but more visual countdowns such as a system of coloured plastic tags or cards. (Traffic light colours or with images for what will happen next etc) Look at them when he is calm and can learn them. For eg When Mummy shows the green card it means Yes we are going to/can play with/use now, orange card could mean we are preparing to change our activity, could mean getting out of pool, putting the colouring/jigsaw away, red means we stop now. This way nothing is abrupt. Always have a distraction to hand to try to ward off a meltdown before it starts, not always possible, but if you are prepared you will feel better about coping. I’ve had many tears over my boy and there will be more but we have adapted our parenting style with him so we are all more relaxed. We have accepted his traits that we can’t change, a lack of empathy and demonstration of affection being the main ones. He is learning how to manage his emotions better now, meltdowns are very rare and he although he still avoids group social activities such as parties and big family get togethers he actively enjoys going swimming and to the cinema, crazy golf etc with us and a friend.

Let go of your expectations and ideas of what this holiday (and life?!) should be like, and do all you can to identify and then meet his needs.

Pay close attention to everything going on around him whenever he is regulated, settled, happy or excited, and also when he is dysregulated, distressed, overwhelmed or upset. There will be patterns, I can guarantee it.

Think about all the senses:

Is it too noisy (what type of noise? Echos in a changing room? Lots of voices at once? Other screaming kids? Loud bangs?)
Is it too bright? Has he had the sun on him for too long?
What about the feeling of cool air on wet skin (many autistic people / those with sensory processing differences cannot bear that sensation)? Or is he too hot?
Has he eaten enough, or too much?
Are his clothes / labels / feeling of the towel bothering him?

He clearly likes the peace and quiet of the lodge, so focus your holiday around that. Find other peaceful things to do where he has space and freedom. If he loves it in the pool, stay in the pool longer (why did he need to leave if you’re on holiday?).

As he’s only 2, the memories you’re trying to make are only for you adults. Chilling in the lodge, the forest and the pool may be the only memories from this holiday but that’s better than meltdowns and distress for all of you trying to fulfil unrealistic expectations.

My DS13 is Autistic, and DS9 has ADHD - I long ago accepted that we’ll never do all the “normal” things families do on holidays and weekends. Since we let those expectations go (and stopped caring what anyone else may be thinking) we have wonderful times as we plan everything around the boys’ (often conflicting) needs meaning we all enjoy ourselves!

Doing the detective work now in terms of sensory overwhelm, and finding ways for him to communicate to you non verbally (flash cards?) will be well worth the trouble 😊

I remember taking my son (ASD) on holiday when he was two. He was very much like this, had awful tantrums and the one night we attempted to take him to the clubhouse for an hour he just kept running off. We gave up and went back to the caravan. When we took him to the beach he didn’t like the sand. We had our in laws with us thankfully as my niece was great at keeping him occupied. His behaviour was awful until we saw a child psychologist who taught us how to manage him (hold at arms length without looking at him until he stops screaming, or sit on the stairs, sit next to him with arm across to stop him moving and don’t look at him until he’s quiet.) It was hard work initially but it really paid off, the meltdowns and bad behaviour stopped. Not much help now but things will get better with time and effort.

OP - I have a friend with a neurodivergent child, and your story rang so many bells with what I have heard from her over the years. Her son is now much older, but when he was little she struggled a lot with his behaviour - and her expectations of his behaviour.

Some of what you have said reasonated with stories she told me, but it’s difficult to pick out what is “normal” when they are so small and especially when it’s your first child. It’s especially difficult when lots of people say, “oh this is normal”, with all the best intentions to be supportive, but you keep looking around at others and feeling as though you’re dealing with something harder than normal. That might be because you really are, and it’s obviously ok to struggle either way, but even more so if that’s the case.

It might be worth checking out this book which she said she found life changing (and is useful even if your child isn’t atypical but is just going through a developmental stage, so nothing to lose).

www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Your-Childs-Sensory-Signals/dp/1466263539/ref=asc_df_1466263539_nodl?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310856639426&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15200997760037408060&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045998&hvtargid=pla-436565316455&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&dplnkId=3cc4e524-0c5d-44f3-a820-a9ddaa0d93a1

I hope it helps you - I know she wished she had found it earlier.

Good luck

ps It’s great your partner was able to voice his feelings. Dealing with a child’s challenging behaviour is indeed very overwhelming, especially when you clearly both care so much. Hang in there 💐

@MintJulia Well aren’t you the perfect parent with the perfect child! Clearly you know nothing about ASD and how it not only affects the person but all of the persons family. You just don’t tell someone to ‘get a grip’ it doesn’t work like that. 😡

@Dontknowwhattodonoww OP you and your hubby are doing a fantastic job. Also it’s a good thing that DH has gone and had a cry, so many men bottle it all
up to support others and then that’s when horrible thoughts enter mens heads. My son is 19 and autistic (diagnosed at 4) and he also loves swimming and at 2 he also had the worst moments (that’s what we called it).
you will get through it all there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sending you huge hugs 🤗

Wow he sounds just like my 4 year old. We have seen the community paediatrician, she re-refereed him back to speech and language, he also has a EHCP for when he goes into reception in September as will need full time support. He has had bloods taken to check his Tyroid and genetics test (which we are still awaiting in results) it's to rule out any medical issues causing his "symptoms" ..

They have also referred him to be checked for social communication disorder. He is still at aged 2 with speech and understanding language , he can be dangerous in social situations as doesn't have any fear or awareness of danger. He bites, hits kicks and headbuts the floor. It is so very overwhelming and i am often also crying because i just feel helpless.

Ask your nursery to contact Drumbeat, they're specialist SEN schools all over country and they recently sent someone in to do a group assessment of my son and a few others. They'll help the nursery and you with ideas how to communicate with your child and provide a report. If you can get bloods done to rule out anything medical try get done asap. It all takes so long through the NHS. We recently appreciate the support and tests we've had so far but drumbeat seem to be really great at having workshops and help and advice xx