Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Great OP - sounds like you have a great plan. At our cottage we took our fire stick so all of the familiar programs were easily accessible - honestly it was so chilled compared with before when we had unrealistic expectations.

Your partner with respect, needs to “man up” especially if you are dealing with the tantrums on your own everyday whilst your partner works. Crying is not the answer.

What a load of absolute toxic bullshit! Men are allowed to cry too. Telling them otherwise is part of what’s wrong in the world.

OP, mine was similar. Cancel all activities, lower expectations and you’ll have a much nicer time.

Our son was so boisterous and high octane at that age (and til about 6) that we never did organised activities with him as he hated being constrained in any way. He only wanted to run, climb, play fight, dig, jump around and burn off energy. We soon learnt just to go to parks, fields, beaches, walks, soft play, castles, gardens and anywhere he could charge around without bothering anyone. If we ate out we went to one of those pubs attached to a soft play that were so full of noisy kids that his inability to sit still and his high energy levels were not an issue. Money was wasted on pottery painting, cinema, circuses etc as he just couldn't sit still. He had delayed development too but now in his twenties he has a first class degree, a brilliant job, loads of friends and I couldn't be prouder.

@Ohthatsexciting somehow I could tell even at this age that my ds was different.

Some crying and tantrums are normal of course but the frequency and intensity of autistic meltdowns at 2 are honestly noticeable. In fact I used to lie awake from age one with my ds thinking “something is wrong”. Along with of course other red flags like similar language delay to op’s child and limited eye contact.

Also, anywhere we go we have to factor in, say, 30 mins for DS2 to get used to the place. He runs, checks boundaries, just does circuits until he’s happy. That 30 mins is key.

someone on MN once said that when their DC was diagnosed with ASD it was a 'shock but not a surprise'. That is how it was for me too.

Too much stimulation, possibly too much noise. Could be other children around getting too close for your DS, the smell of the teddies, the texture of the stuffing. And he can’t tell you how it feels to him.
Can you try some quieter activities, will he sit in a cycle seat? A cycle through forestry might be calming. A quiet beach ( if you can find one in the UK in a sunny weekend) Using the pool when the majority of people of having lunch/ tea/ supper might help.
Very difficult for you —- you plan these things, think how great they’ll be , how educational, how much fun and it’s like it’s thrown back at you. I hope you and DH can have a quiet bottle of wine together when DS is asleep.

I’m sure the person behind ‘Welcome to Holland’ was well meaning, but personally I find it rather patronising and dismissive of SEN parents’ feelings. If I want to feel down about the struggles that DS1 experiences every day, and I need to cry, then I do. It can be damn hard and heartbreaking having a child with complex disabilities.

OP I note that you say your child has additional needs, not that he may have. We knew from day 1 that our son would almost certainly have additional needs, because he was born exceptionally prematurely. Aged two he was pretty much identical to how you have described your son during your holiday. Because I knew that he was different to other children the same age, I didn’t find it comforting when well meaning friends tried to tell me that their children behaved in exactly the same way, even though I knew they were trying to reassure me. It actually made me feel even more alone because clearly they didn’t understand.

However I do want to tell you this. DS is 16 now. He has autism, ADHD and various additional extras. He attends a special school and will be going to a specialist placement for sixth form. He’s just taken some GCSEs. We expect him to have some form of employment in the future. He will live with some level of independence eventually. And he is utterly delightful. He charms most of the people that he meets. It is now extremely rare for him to have raging meltdowns that last for 8 hours plus at a time. We have had to adjust our lives, and his normal is now our normal. Sending you huge hugs OP - your DS sounds like a lovely little boy.

@MissHavershamReturns I completely agree with you, I too know that there is something more going on. My DS has always walked on his tip toes, rarely responds to his name, has limited eye contact, gets very focused on certain things and certain things alone - i.e loves sticks to the point he tried to steal an old man’s walking stick earlier! Alongside sensory issues with food, there’s lots of indicators.

Apart from the head butting he sounds exactly like my Ds.
He is as an adult going through the adhd assessment
Unfortunately I couldn’t get him diagnosed as a child
I was always of the opinion his behaviour and that of his sister were just being lively as I was exactly the same when I was their age
Myself and his sister were both diagnosed with adhd last year

He sounds like a typical energetic 2 year old. Perhaps factor in lots of running around rather than quieter activities such as painting. Will he chase or kick a ball?
Are you near enough to a beach so that he can fill a bucket with sand? Or a paddling pool with warm water so that he can splash about?

I genuinely have some good advice for you as we experienced similar early on.

You need to take the pressure off yourselves first of all. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing, forget your child's peers and just focus on your child. Keep everything low key and no fuss. Forget organised activities, particularly if they are expensive and so there's pressure attached to 'have fub'. Let your child explore their environment. Don't go home but either take your child to the organised activities alone or cancel them. Do something where they get to dictate the activity themselves.

Finally just let the child grow without judgement, just support. My child was always alternative. Always ran in his own race and to some extent still does. He is best friends with a child that was very similar. Now at the age of 10 he is academically flying and has made a huge jump.forward in his development. We no longer think he has SEN. His friend however has slipped backwards academically and is on the path to a diagnosis. So it honestly can go either way and often you won't know until the child is older.

So just be supportive, love them unconditionally. Accept that organised activities for some children is not worth the hassle and upset. And go give your partner a huge cuddle. It's going to be fine ❤️

Honestly I think you are trying to do too many activities. My children do not have SN and struggled with too many activities at two years old.
In a lodge I would have in one day went swimming as one activity, a walk in the woods or even feeding the birds outside the lodge - we often took bird feeders, child playing on the patio while I drank wine, etc. But swimming would be the only booked activity. At that age even a walk from the lodge to buy an ice cream is an activity.

As babies we could do lots with them, and older we could do lots, but at this age they often found lots of activities in an unfamiliar place too much.

Sounds a good plan op.

I hope your all enjoy the rest of your time away.

@RudsyFarmer thank you so much for your advice it is so appreciated - just to know we’re not alone is comforting in itself. My DS is so so bright and the happiest little boy when he’s not overwhelmed, he’s charms everyone!

We’ve cancelled everything and we’re just going to go with the flow and see where the weekend takes us, now the pressure is off I’m looking forward to what takes us next!

PS: you sound like a wonderful mum and your child is very lucky

This from me too. Hugs to you both. You sound very supportive of your partner. Hope you both are ok.

Op, we've been exactly where you are, in fact it sounds my like your ds is very similar to how my own Ds was like at that age, my Ds is autistic, he didn't talk until 4 and had the most awful outbursts and meltdowns as a toddler. We literally couldn't take him anywhere aged 2, without it ending up in tears for him and us as parents. A simple trip to the park was hard.

my Ds is 11 now, still not an easy ride but we can go out and about with little problems - just on high alert at all times.

is the holiday park near the beach at all? Might be a good idea for a run about. We tend to go to the beach early or evening so it's a little quieter!

I totally get the swimming thing. Ds loved swimming and leaving was always an issue. Your Ds may be too young at present but visual timetables and now and next visuals might be an idea!

it's tough op, give yourself and hubby a pat on the back - you are doing a fab job. Both cry it out as much as you want! My own Dp gets very emotional over it too - he's a fab dad but it just gets too much.

when Ds was that age in your situation I probably around have left but looking back, I would say stay for now, have an afternoon in your accommodation.

also, screw what other people think. If they stare make sure you give them a good stare back at them to let them know you know they are staring. When ds was 2, I probably wouldn't have but he's certainly built my resilience 😅

Sounds a great plan.
Lots of toddlers love small simple things. I remember enduring awful traffic jams to take a niece to an indoor attraction, she had.autism. She was fascinated instead by the raindrops on the windows. We could have saved our money.

I'm sure others will have said something but I think that's a really unfair thing to say about your DH. He doesn't need to do that - it's much more healthy for him to cry than, for example, snap and lose his temper.

I'm sorry you are coping with this and I think the going with the flow advice is good; you will get through to a more comfortable time. Hopefully when he gets talking, the frustration will melt away. He may have a very lively mind and hate not being able to express himself.

This may sound silly but at two he probably doesn’t understand the concept of toys being toys, to him they are real things. Therefore think about what a teddy stuffing session could actually look like to him. I think he is overstimulated and overwhelmed by it all, and he reacts like a two year old who cannot explain his emotions verbally, so acts them out. Definitely do lots of outdoor play, exploring etc and stop the ‘activities’ swimming sounds good and as other have suggested wrap up and out asap for him at the end of the session.

Most of that is not unusual for any 2 year old.
I think sometimes parents expectations are too high and we attempt an activity which is really too old for the child.
Parenting a toddler is not always rewarding and can make you feel like a failure. It's also a huge learning curve.

I've got no bright ideas. I started a thread saying I couldn't cope today so don't listen to me. your post made me want to cry a bit it resonated so much - you could have described any day with my DS over the last year. I really hope you're ok

My DS (also 2, nearly 3) loves soft play/playgrounds/swimming because he's free style - he can run/climb/splash about but anything with an expectation attached e.g. sit here and do this, look at this animal, make this picture, watch this show...he is OFF. He runs away instantly. He hates organised activities. And if you try to stop him and persuade him to look at the thing, or make the thing, or whatever - he will wallop me round the face and then cry and cry and then need a cuddle and then probably hit me again.

The bit that really got me in your post was the other parents. At football, club I saw the other mums pull their little darlings away from my DS as he was running the wrong way or trying to pull a curtain down, and i saw all the pity/judgement/annoyance - I think they think i am not being strict enough.
You sound like a wonderful mum. All he needs is your love and patience. I know it's tough. People on here and in real life keeping tell me DS is neurodivergent - I don't know what it means in reality to know this - but there are lots of mums with kids like this and lots of other mums thinking you just need to be firmer etc. It's so deflating organisign stuff and trying your best and for it end like that. I know that feeling so well. And often I avoid going to stuff to avoid feeling like that

Anyway - i told you i had no advice. But his behaviour might be extreme possibly but it's not unusual. And the other thing people keeping telling me is with love, support, patience etc, then toddlers who find the world a little more difficult will get through the difficult early years eventually with the right support.

Your partner with respect, needs to “man up” especially if you are dealing with the tantrums on your own everyday whilst your partner works. Crying is not the answer.

What an appalling thing to say, @Giveitall . He took himself somewhere private to cry after a stressful and incredibly upsetting event. It's allowed.
It's fucking devastating for most parents dealing with this kind of recognition of their child's problems and possible diagnosis.
Your comment is from the dark ages when men were not allowed emotions, and screams a lack of empathy for parents (or whatever sex) who are dealing with a very difficult situation.

I haven't read the whole thread but my son and daughter are both ND. I still have these ideas of nice things we can do together, holidays, film night, game night etc but they NEVER work out. Neither of them have the attention span so over the years (they are 13 and 10) I've lowered my expectations (but still live in hope!) and our lives are spent winging it. We don't make plans because one or both of the kids will be out of spoons. We have to be spontaneous when the opportunity arises. Plans and good intentions don't work for us.

Hi op, my young Dc has autism so I know how difficult it can be. It's hard when activities don't go as planned, so honestly, I would leave the activities, could you get out walking, or is there a play park to play on? I'd keep it simple. The change of scenery will still be lovely for your DC, as nice as the activities are it's not worth it if it's going to stress you all out. Keep it simple. I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has been suggested already.