Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Additional needs or not, you are expecting a lot from a two year old.

Don't be fooled by social media, these types of activity are a brief photo opp only. The meltdowns do sound more extreme but I bet you can't find a single parent who hasn't carried a screaming two year old (usually under an arm barrel style to avoid flailing limbs lashing out) away from something that was supposed to be fun.

Have unstructured fun for the rest of your holiday. He'll have a better time merrily bashing sticks in the woods.

Swimming is different but I'd ditch any other form of activity. Then take him for a long walk in a pram and if he sleeps go and get a drink and try and relax.

It sounds tough but setting out with unrealistic expectations will only make it worse. Hope you can have some fun together

I have twins with ASD and ADHD... when they were 2 we didn't know this but we knew it was hard. Over the years we have learnt to massively lower our expectations and have realized that what is fun at home is NOT fun somewhere different and if we are away just 'being' is enough ! We ended up only going to CP for years as it became familiar but even then we pared it back to the bare minimum. Swim and maybe 1 or 2 activities in the week. We made going to the shop, going to the playground and going to the lake the main activities with no timescales.

We managed to go abroad last year but planned very little. DS was unable to leave the apartment for 2 days in the middle but that was OK, we read and played on his tablet , while my DH took the other 2 out. By accepting this was ok we all had a nice time. Also crying is fine.. its part of acceptance and letting go of what you thought life would look like in order to re group and live life as it is.

Other people are twats and it hurts . When mine were 2 I wanted a tshirt saying 'its rude to stare' on the front and 'just f**k off' on the back ! 😁

No additional needs here
all children completely NT

and this has been precisely our experience on 3 attempts at build a bear. And mine were older!

normal Normal normal

And if you do go swimming, take a snack and drink for getting him changed afterwards. Good distraction while you get dressed and they do come out very hungry/ hangry!
I always wrapped mine in a towel and let them eat so could get dressed first

To be honest it sounds like you’re trying to cram too much in, you went to build a teddy this morning and now you are planning on doing swimming and soft play this afternoon? I would just do one activity and day and then chill at the lodge the rest of the time, maybe take it in turns having some child free time so you both get a break too. I have 3 NT kids under 5 and I would always stick to one activity a day otherwise they just get overwhelmed, overstimulated and its impossible to have a nice time

In the longer term, if you have a diagnosis, it's really important you link up with other parents who have children with autism. Some will be more adversely affected than your own ds, some not so much, but the shared experience helps so much. This will be really important for your dh.
The advantage you have is that your ds is young, young enough for the Early Bird system if you have that in your area - parents are an essential part of the system and it also means you meet your fellow parents so make sure DH takes a full part.
I am so proud of my niece and her husband who, when their ds was diagnosed at age 2, threw themselves into learning all they could about the autistic spectrum and how to help him. Many friends were made, and the support given and received from other parents in the same boat, has at times kept them sane. My great nephew is now 15 and has a fantastic relationship with his dad, and there are often pub meet-ups with the other parents too. It can be a very isolating thing, this, perhaps even more for fathers.
Stay at the lodge, be kind to yourselves activity wise, it sounds like the fun to be had in the pool will outweigh the meltdown, maybe one of you could get out first and get dressed then wrap ds in his towel and scoot back to the lodge whilst the other gets dressed and follows. You shouldn't have to, but just this once for everyone's wellbeing?
Eat nice food. Drink nice drinks.

Wait

2 years old

2!!

op let me repeat that…. 2!!!!

pretty much a baby.

Cancel all activities. Beach, bucket spade, little walks, swim maybe at a quiet time or just fill a bucket and drop some toys in and watch him enjoy.

oh and tell your partner to buck up and stop sobbing.

i will finish on this

2!!

Not much help for now, but for future when swimming them towel with hood things for kids that you just pop over their head would dry him and keep him warm, and a pair of crocs, and knickers and a dress you can just whip on quick, a massive bag to shove everything in and away quick, I agree about drink and snack to distract to, and your not being selfish, get that out your head, you want to give your child a nice time and obviously care about your partner, your not selfish

I agree with all the above. Most 2 year olds probably make their parents cry at some point! I think structured activities best enjoyed at 4/5 and even older. Some 2 years might be ready for structured activities but others won't be.

Ah I remember this so well, I was you two years ago (well, I was actually your husband - crying in the toilet) when my son was awaiting a diagnosis for what turned out to be autism.

Other posters have already covered everything I would have suggested but I just wanted to say that it will get easier. My DS is 4.5 now and alot more amenable to visiting new places and trying new activities. We have our second holiday booked for September, something we could never have managed with him at 2.

It sounds like you're doing a great job, just hang in there x

Aside from any additional needs, he's just too young for all the organised activity stuff. Parents needs to stop torturing themselves with Instagram notions of toddlers who can barely sit up suddenly being able to paint pottery, stuff teddy bears or perform feats of archery. If they can't wipe their arse yet, they can't sit and do complex multi-step crafts or sports with rules or oil painting or tennis either. He wants to pick up pebbles and see birds and walk by a pond.

It's not 'making memories', it's treating babies like they're 9 or 12 year olds. Save the organised gubbins for when they one day ask for it and keep your days simple.

Your child may have additional needs but honestly I think you're over reacting. Of course a two yea old isn't going to sit down and concentrate on an activity. Some might but vast majority wouldn't. I have a child with a speech disorder but I don't think a two year old who is babbling is a cause for concern just yet. I actually think your dh and you seem to have unrealistic expectations of what a toddler is capable of.

Just to give you a little hope. I have 4DC and the 3rd one was like this. She used to bang her head off floors, she had a behaviour plan at nursery as she threw chairs! None of my others were like that, in fact my eldest became a school prefect. I stopped going out in the end, nearly had a breakdown. It was HELL.
Fast forward, she is 6 now and wonderful! Normal, popular, polite. She had a tough reception year and an easier first half of year one then finally she just….grew up? I don’t know really. She is the brightest in terms of academia of all my kids but other than that I can’t see any real difference. Obviously I don’t know if there is something ‘wrong’ for want of a better phrase with your DC but just wanted to offer some hope that some kids can be like this and turn out to be easy after the toddler years are over. Firm boundaries and consistency between school and home was the key for us in the end. Good luck OP.

@Ohthatsexciting the crying I find is often grief. Dp and I did plenty of crying from when ds was 1 year old onwards. It can be very hard to be so confronted by the difference between your child and typically developing children.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave. My 2 year old is like this when we leave anything/anywhere/anyone she vaguely likes. She's great the rest of the time apart from then or if she's told no. She will throw herself on the floor, and try to hit, kick or bite me. I haven't taken her to see anyone because usually she is good, sociable and generally really happy. So I'm hopeful she'll grow out of it, her now 7yo brother did. When she does it I have to pick her up and get her out of wherever she is.

Try not to worry about others opinions, unless you're mistreating your child it's nothing to do with them. My 7yo is good at asking loudly "mummy why is that person staring?"

I understand very well. Only in the situation I was the one crying in the toilet.

I would start by very strongly disagreeing with the PP who said that your partner needs to "man up". Parenting is hard and there is no reason why a man should be less entitled to have an overwhelmed moment. Your partner didn't have a meltdown in public, hit the child or take off saying "I can't cope with this". He went for a private cry. As I said, I have done that. Multiple times.

My DS is autistic and non-verbal (he is now 13 and has normal language development in the form of typing and text to speech, but that took years of ABA). I remember the year or so, when he was between about one and a half and two and a half, when I pretty well knew that he was autistic but it had not been formally confirmed, and we were telling ourselves it might not be the case. Then as it gradually became crystal clear that he was, all our expectations had to change. I too had ideas about how childhood and holidays and activities "should" be, and it was upsetting as it dawned on us that this was not going to be the case.

I remember being in France in a beautiful village and thinking DS should (note the "should") enjoy a walk around in the village and the fields. He had the hugest, loudest tantrum and head-banging session in the high street, in front of all the villagers, for no discernible reason, and I was utterly embarrassed and devastated. That was one time I cried. Then being on another holiday, by the sea, and him constantly trying to run headlong into the sea or the car park, with no heed to any danger (he was older then, at an age when a NT child would have stopped running if you told them to. I remember my mother who was there, saying "you are going to have to teach him to listen to you, this could be dangerous", and me biting my tongue, thinking "do you think I haven't fucking tried" ). I had many moments of catastrophising, "nothing can ever be nice again". That is really normal.

I am absolutely NOT of the "welcome to Holland" mindset, but I can assure you that there does come a time when you stop feeling shocked and overwhelmed by how different things are to what you expected, and you get on and live your life with the child you have, not the one you expected. But be easy on yourselves on the road towards this. Including allowing both of you to cry if you need to.

Having said that, I don't know if this is your first child, but I would not expect any two year old, autistic or not, to be able to sit nicely through a build a bear session, and participate in such a structured set of activities. Just chill out a bit and have your holiday too. If that means him watching Baby TV on your phone while you eat cake, so be it (been there done that).

But this is very very typical 2 year old behaviour and to think otherwise strikes me as expecting far too much for a baby / toddler!

DH and I have done plenty of crying also over our DS1 (aged 12 now).

You feel helpless, you feel impotent anger because it's not like you hoped it would be and you feel terrible grief.

My recommendation- drastically reduce your expectations. At most one low key activity in the morning, then CBeebies in the lodge. tag team with your DH so you each can get out on your own to do 'something' so you don't feel frustrated just sitting around.

It's taken me 12 years to learn the resuce expectations trick, but it has made all the difference.

If I saw any 2 year old at a build the bear my first thought would be

”ambitious!”

No disrespect but I hate the Welcome to Holland mantra. No help to me when I was being bitten, reverse head-butted and kicked on a daily basis or sprinting after a runner 10x faster than me. I would have accepted any destination at that point but was in fact going nowhere.

I was going to say that the previous poster who referred to this gave some really good advice, but I (and I believe a lot of parents of children with ASD) think Welcome to Holland is bollocks. Fine, if as a parent it has helped you, but it is often people who haven't been there who recommend it, and that feels patronising.

When my dd was 2, I wouldn’t have taken her to planned activities on holiday. It wouldn’t have been enjoyable. In fact I’ve never really taken her to activities like this as she’s very active so never wanted to sit still crafting, painting etc on holiday when there’s far more interesting things to do including charging round, exploring and swimming etc. She also loved painting at home, at playgroup setting and nursery.

With dd, I always took lots of things to play with in the accommodation plus a new toy I thought she’d enjoy. She’s always been very active so at 2 I bought a new push along toy to charge around indoors and a jigsaw, brought a couple of favourite toys, a few books for bedtime etc.

My friend’s ds never liked transitions and would not have coped with what you’re proposing either and could easily have had a meltdown after swimming. My friend bought him a poncho, which is what others have suggested then changing your when you get back. Whatever works.

Little ones like routine and familiarity. Dd wanted to go to the same place on holiday year on year because she knew it. In fact at 13 she still wants to go back! Please try to take the stress off yourself. Go to the activities just for a few minutes if you want then leave if it doesn’t work, otherwise forget them and just go for walks and maybe buy something to amuse your ds back at the accommodation.

Apart from the slight language delay are you sure he has additional needs? Screaming tantrums are totally normal in children. I remember crying in a park with my then 3 yr old as I was meeting some new friends and she had an epic meltdown and was screaming at me and them. I was mortified. She’s now a very well behaved 7 year old.

I'm so sorry, it's so hard for you all. For swimming, try one of these. www.amazon.co.uk/Treer-Children-Bath-Towel-Robe-Kids-Cartoon-Pattern-Hooded-Beach-Pool-Poncho-Swimming-Blanket-Girl-boy/dp/B082NTFRCP/ref=sr_1_14?keywords=kids%2Bcover%2Bup%2Bbeach%2Btowel&qid=1655
I know it's easier said than done, but try to ignore other people. What they think doesn't matter, and most of them probably are looking at you with sympathy. As time goes by you will learn the things that set him off and will perhaps be able to avoid some of them.
I have conflicting thoughts about this, but I saw a lovely little boy once wearing a tee shirt which said "I'm not naughty, I'm autistic".
Meanwhile, it's early days for you, and you need to grieve for the little boy you thought you were getting. It doesn't mean you don't adore the little boy you have. It's just that it's all very new, and you haven't been trained to deal with the problems your child has. Dealing with tantrums is hard.... meltdowns are harder.

I liked Welcome to Holland when DS was first diagnosed. It made sense to me- you are not getting what you expected, and you have to readjust. Now, 7 years on I find it a little trite but it served to comfort me in the early days,