Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

His behaviour is probably normal for his age. The fact that you mentioned he is not working yet might be contributing to his frustrations. My elder son had this but this improved significantly after some speech therapy and he has no issues by the time he got to school.

Your poor DH though. He's obviously struggling with you all, and we can all put high expectations on a holiday and be disappointed when the reality is a lot different.

Yes yes to taking the pressure off yourself for a brochure holiday.

I have no advice op but as the mum of a child with asd myself my heart goes out to you and your partner

You will learn to ignore others and treat them with the contempt they deserve. No one has the excuse these days of not having at least a little education about how neurodiverse children react when they're struggling, so the judgy people are tw@ts, treat them as such. 1. Don't go home, but don't feel pressured into activities. Plans are great, but they often fail, don't worry about it. When they're little, our kids don't need plans, they need reassurance and routine, and sometimes that routine is doing nothing. 2. Sensory issues are really, really difficult. Everything is new and it's all affecting him at once - sights, smells, sounds (not just loud sounds, but background noise, different accents etc), touch, sometimes I think they're sensitive even to different tastes in the air, town is different to countryside, the seaside is different to the forest, etc. 3. Does he have a favourite song or tv programme? Don't worry about him repetitively watching/listening - he likely associates it with safety and happiness. 4. Take a look online for coping strategies for your little one - it'll be difficult at his age, but there are routines you can already start putting in place. 5. You'll get there. Have you read Welcome to Holland? You can find it online. Show your DP, he needs to learn to love Holland. Look for local groups for neurodiverse kids and their families, you can both get help there and coping strategies for you all. There's a great community out there but you need to find it because you won't get information about it until you get a diagnosis otherwise. Sending love & light x

Give your partner and your son a massive hug, it will hopefully make you all feel a bit better.

My DS is 7 now and mostly behaves himself when we’re out but at age 2, he was largely non verbal and never wanted to do what the other children would do. He didn’t headbutt but he was a runner - always always just wanted to run off and ignore the activities. I remember taking him to another child’s party when he was 3, where there was an entertainer - all the other kids joined in her activities but he kept trying to go in her bag to see what else she had. We ended up leaving early! Another party was at a big outdoor space with a playground - all the other children sat and played pass the parcel etc and all he wanted to do was explore the climbing frames at the other side of the park, so I spent the entire time following him about while he refused to interact with the other kids or even come back for a slice of cake. I regularly used to cry on the way home after parties or play dates.

DS was under a paediatrician and did see SALT for a while, but that was partly because he had a congenital issue with one hand that needed observation. But if you saw him with his friends now, you wouldn’t even know what he’d been like as a toddler. He’s very bright and doing great at school, and has lots of friends who he interacts with completely normally. He is under the SENCO at school for possible ADHD or dyspraxia but they just have suggested strategies to help him focus in class.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is - some kids are just really hard work because they want to do what they want to do - especially the ones who are walkers not talkers, which it sounds like your DS is. They’re individuals. It may be that he has ASD or SEN but even so, he is just a toddler still. It’s hideously difficult for the parents so don’t feel bad if either of you feel upset after something like this happens. It’s still really good for him to be experiencing new things! Holidays with small children are just the same shit but in a different place. It should get better as he gets older.

And finally, I bet none of the other parents were judging - they’d just be thinking, thank god it’s not us this time.

DS1 has low functioning ASD. He chatted away from around 17 months onwards, but no discernible words. Couldn't follow instructions. When distressed, he would bang his head against the stone floor. We got him into an amazing school at four and his then teacher told us that the banging was a sensory need: my son responds positively to firm touch. If your DS starts banging his head, try holding his head firmly, or squeezing him firmly. Get a weighted blanket - Amazon has excellent ones - and a bodysock. Your DS may have ASD, he may not. Time will tell. But if he has, things will get better. My DS still can't talk properly – he's 14 – but he understands most of what is said to him, and can make himself understood, to a degree. We have to modify our holidays to suit him, but it's doable. A lot of the time it's not so much the actual activity you are trying to undertake, but the acoustics surrounding it. We found that when going abroad, for example, it wasn't so much the flight or the accommodation, but the actual noise in the airport and in the hotel. We try and go self catering – usually in this country to be honest – anywhere that's a home from home. As long as he has his own things around him, he's great. I would also advise investing in a pair of ear defenders.

You need to say clearly and firmly to any onlookers that he is neuro diverse. The starey, judgy fucks will back off.
As to activities and meltdowns, it is always easiest to do anything flexible with an escape route or plan B and not to continue with it even if it is booked/paid/if it is not bringing anything. It is frustrating but I aborted cinema, circus and theatre once I realised sound was a trigger.
Build a bear, I would have got partner to complete and taken son to depressure somewhere else.
You need a favourite toy as a divert/distract, snacks to prevent hangry trigger and at that age, short in-on-out trips. Do not expect him to like the same activities on holiday as he does at nursery.

It is not selfish to want to do things with him for you as well, but it won't work. He will find his thing eventually but putting yourself through the mill to do shared activities/family memories will take more than it gives. As a pp said, better to do rambles and picnics rather than prescripted pre-bookings. Swimming is worth the pain ime even though you are wrestling an octopus.Towel ponchos, scoop and retreat. If you could afford one later the dry-coat brand might be an investment when older.
Chill and minimise the sensory input - you could make some buns or do playdo in the lodge. You do not need paid activities or forcing the socialisation as it is a marathon not a sprint, lovely.

My son was similar (still is aged 10). It's tough because you get wrapped up in your expectations of what is fun versus what is actually an enjoyable activity for you all. Do the things you know will go well, even if it feels like it's the same thing over and over, or if it feels like you're not getting the value from the location. It's your holiday too and dealing with meltdowns is super stressful, so if it's swimming, walks and the beach that works just go with it. And if you are doing the easier stuff you can do it one parent at a time, giving the other one a bit of a breather from the stressful situations.

I understand why you are hyperspace of him having a meltdown because of nursery and his referrals but this is how toddlers behave when out of routine and most likely the other parents in the room will just be glad it's not their kid for once. My DS2 has just started trying to talk and is quite behind his peers with speech and it is so hard because they are so frustrated trying to tell you what they want. He is so much worse for having a meltdown than my eldest because he was fully conversant at that age. I personally would sack the activities. He's telling you it's too much pressure for him, he's quite happy Chilling at the lodge. My youngest finds trying to speak exhausting and whenever we get home from wherever he just visibly relaxes.

I’d agree with this. My eldest didn’t talk till he was 3…nightmare….worried me silly….then just started talking in whole sentences. He now works in the press and can talk the hind legs off a donkey 🤣
a lot of behaviour issues at that age is normal particularly if he can’t communicate.
it I’ll be hard to distinguish between that and not neuro typical so don’t label him yet. Wait till you’ve had professional advice.
terrible two and language delays combined can reduce any parent to tears…in some weird way the fact your husband 8w struggling shows what a potentially great dad he is. Sounds like you need more strategies to deal with tantrums and using maybe sign language with him, until you get the professional helpp
Don’t want to diminish what you think as mothers instinct is normally right, but please don’t give up on holiday and activities. You all need a break and if you can make some nice days and memories it’ll be worth it

You've had some great suggestions-

For your partner- it can be overwhelming. Disappointing. Frustrating. You both need to manage that while keeping yourselves well and healthy. I'd suggest he looks into stress management activities, and that you tag team it a bit so you each have a break. In that scenario, one of you head out for five minutes for a breather, then return to take over to let the other one decompress.

You have to be so very on top of everything with a child like this. There's no "going with the flow and letting it all happen around you". You have to be totally alert, preempting problems and engineering things for best emulate at all times. Exhausting, but effective. One totally switched on parent is much more useful than two inattentive ones in this situation.

And also, your kid is only 2. They will have no memories from this trip. Let it be a relaxing break for you all. Doing very little is also a holiday.

It is so hard and I am sorry your partner is struggling, but to be honest, at the age of 2, none of my children would have sat still to do something like stuffing a teddy. At that age most just want to pootle about and look at things, maybe go on a swing for a couple of minutes, climb on something, splash in a puddle, look at sticks and leaves, just being outside and being able to run about safely is enough.

Build a bear was clearly a mistake. I'd have left after the first tantrum.

Ah OP my DS is so similar, we're a bit further on, he's 3.5. We have massively lowered our expectations of what a day out looks like, just swimming is enough for us as a family on a holiday like that. Not all kids enjoy/are ready for structured activities. He loves things where he can burn off energy and be free: soft play, walk in the woods, playground, bouncy castle etc. When he's having fun he is a joy to be around and we all have a better time.
Have you looked at Hanen centre and their books on speech delay? More than words is one I found really helpful. Also research on gestalt language processing, meaningful speech on Instagram does a good summary of this research.

Two year olds are meant to move not sit. The more they move the more they develop their core muscles which allow therm the strength to hold a pencil/concentrate sitting for short periods of time to write their name a few years later.
His "tantrum" is him communicating with you at his level and you're not listening. Let him lead, your son is perfect the way he is. Change nurseries if they don't value his wild determination to know what he likes.

It sounds like you are doing too much on holiday, I would suggest one activity per day. Soft play and swimming sounds too much especially after this morning with the build a bear.
My daughter is nearly 3 and that would overwhelm her the build a bear, the painting especially when it's a new environment and your rushing around to get to activities at certain times.

We've been to centre parcs type holiday with our daughter when she was nearly 2.5, if we swam in the morning had some lunch, then she had a long nap in the pushchair as she was tired from all the excitement, we had a coffee and a nice walk. She liked to sit on the back of our bikes and enjoyed going around on them then by that time, a little play and get ready for tea.
Over the 5 days we were there we booked 2 short activities and the rest of the days we went swimming and that was it.

I haven’t read every post so apologies if this has already been said.

I would set very clear expectations for him, as he is out of routine and familiar ground being away.

”Now we having lunch. Then we are going to go swimming.”

Give him basic choices to help him feel in control. “We are having a sandwich for lunch. Do you want ham or cheese?” He can point to which he wants or pick it up.

When you’re in the swimming pool and you’re worried about him having a melt down about getting out, give him a warning with a visual reminder using your hand.

”We will be getting out in 5 minutes. Then 3 and 1 minute.”

I could have written this myself so just couldn't read and run.
This was my son. He was diagnosed at 2 with asd, gdd and complex learning disabilities.

He's now 8 and also has ocd and adhd diagnosis too. We often cry and i csnt remember the last time either of us (mum and dad) had no bruises from bearing the brunt if his meltdowns and frustration. It's very overwhelming.

Thankfully we now have a social worker and weekly camhs appointments. We self referred to social services because we just could not cope. Best thing we ever did!

It's the only thing keeping us going to be honest and we're lucky that we get 2/3 hours respite every week through a care agency so we get some time to regroup.

He is still non verbal (but can mimic) and he has very little understanding of the world around him. He is picking up makaton though which makes a huge difference in terms of trying to communicate. He is still in nappies and smearing etc is an issue.

BUT, and this is where I hope this gives a bit of positivity to you, he can be extremely loving at times and has his own personality that makes us laugh so much.

The more he realises that when we understand him (or vice versa) the more excited he gets and that gills me with pride.

At 2, his nursery was building the case for EHCP assessment so that he could start at a special needs school on time. That school is fantastic and has helped so much with his development. So definitely start that with your nursery (if he goes to one)

When you start SALT, ask if they do a 'more than words' course. It was absolutely brilliant for us to understand more about non verbal children and how important the ways in which communication is delivered. We did that course when he was 4 and we still to this day, lead by OWL (observe, wait and listen). His reaction times can be up to 30 seconds as opposed to almost immediately for NT kids. It's easy to forget that and all it does is exacerbate any meltdown situations. Have a Google of it.

So sorry for really long and boring post. I just immediately saw in your post my own life and wanted to share this in case it helps. Feel free to ask anything you like. If I can help, I will. X

I think your expecting a bit too much of him at age of 2 esp if additonal needs. He doesnt need to do lots of activities and he will get overwhelmed even going into a shop or walking around anywhere busy.

I think you need to take a step back rethink all these structured activities. He probably be happy with some toys outside front of lodge or bucket of water and cups etc

Raising children with special needs is hard. You will get there. Take each day as it comes and see how you feel. I shed many tears in the past but it's so worth it and gets easier. They are learning and you are learning how they see the world and what triggers them.

Honestly stop booking activities! It's making everyone miserable. Go to a nearby shop get some cheap paper and paints and just do some painting at the lodge. Take the pressure off and just do very low key activities, going to look for things in a nearby field, just let him run around and burn energy. He's too young to be doing the activities you're on about.

No disrespect but I hate the Welcome to Holland mantra. No help to me when I was being bitten, reverse head-butted and kicked on a daily basis or sprinting after a runner 10x faster than me. I would have accepted any destination at that point but was in fact going nowhere. With a partner who was depressed.
Swimming always worked for mine and I spent hours in the water. Big open spaces with a ball. Chilling on the sofa with cbeebies. I think it was harder with three very different ages, abilities and needs so we used to divide and conquer all the time and it was very lonely.
I have no fucks to give for the gawping strangers. None.
It became easier when I gave myself less guilt for not doing all the parental family fun days I had done with my first and instead concentrated on what made mine stable/happyish as opposed to what I thought should make him happy or what I wanted to be happy.
Your partner needs to be on board and give you some respite and vice versa then do your own thing when ds is asleep. It is very, very hard at that age and takes the two of you yo take stock on what will give most, take from you all least.

OP i have no advice to give but every sympathy.
It's been many years since mine were toddlers but I remember well with DD2 similar behaviours but she's NT, so while I empathise I cannot fully understand your experiences.
BUT it makes me so angry and sad when other parents around you compound your situation without compassion or understanding.
You and your child have every right to be accorded the same respect as all the other 'perfect' parents with their 'perfect' children, bully for them!!
I remember something my MIL said to me about my DD's behaviour, she said I'd rather have a grandchild with imperfections than a grandchild without.
Stay and enjoy your holiday, chin up and shoulders back and enjoy your wonderful family

You need to say clearly and firmly to any onlookers that he is neuro diverse

For starters OP doesn't know that, and secondly no one should feel the need to justify themselves or their child to judgemental arseholes. DS used a pram for a fair while as although he could walk fine as he had issues with his breathing he couldn't walk far when recovering- people would sometimes comment but fuck them, they don't deserve to know just for a gotcha.

OP stuff like this is overwhelming for most 2 year olds, I'd go with the flow.

To be honest you don’t need to tell anyone he has additional needs- my children don’t and their melt downs are still no one’s business!