Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

Haven't read the full thread, but I noticed that your 2yr old is successfully communicating with you by leading, pointing and the use of images. This sounds pretty good, actually Even if he never got speech, he could do a lot just with what he has. But I think it's more likely a delay in that area - audio processing, selective muteness perhaps. He'll suddenly come out with a complete sentence one day, and you'll drop the cup you're holding in total disbelief!

Chin up. Focus on what he can do. And remember, hyperfocus can be incredibly useful once you learn to tame it and live with it!

I am glad you have cancelled the planned activities. Young children can be hard going with these things at the best of times and what you envisage in your head is never how it goes. My little girl has just started full on terrible 2s and everything she used to do without fuss is now becoming difficult so I feel your pain. Try to chill out and go with the flow and enjoy your time away.

Also mine has been very slow with the speech in comparison to her older sister but we have found she has skipped the 1 word stage and just started coming out with little sentences.

Just a little aside Re beaches. If it’s a beach where there might be big waves rolling in this can be terrifying for an autistic child, particularly a very small one.
We view those waves from a much greater height. Put yourself at his level.
I wish you and your husband all the best in the long journey that is ahead of you.
💐

I just typed out a huge reply and my phone turned off 🤦🏻‍♀️ Fail 😆

The jist of what I said was my son is almost 7 and autistic (his verbal skills and abilities are around 3-4 in age a bit less for speech). I relayed massively to most of what you said in your original post OP. My son is diagnosed now and does have a gene deletion. The only help I can give you is to say, remove all the normal parental expectations of were on holiday so we just to x amount of activities. Why do we do these things to ourselves. The thought of it is brilliant but the reality can very quickly be that they are are overwhelmed and overstimulated.

We can’t go to any park that has swings as he runs in front of them. Not too many people as he doesn’t like a lot of noise. Has to have a fence around the play area as he’s a runner and doesn’t understand safety and no parks with big dogs as he’s terrified they will bark. Also no parks with trees because of the birds. The list seems to get bigger and bigger 😆 My son also struggles with transitioning so I understand what that’s like when they don’t have great communication skills. The thing is, my other two (13 and 10 now) were easily transitioned and distracted at aged 2 but not my 3rd son. I start ahead by saying something maybe 5 mins before the end like “I’ve got something in the car for you!” Or “shall we go see Grandad?” Something like that. Has to be something he really likes or wants to do and that will then start to focus his mind on that. A quick recent example was that we have a big inter framed pool. He wanted it up and I said it needing fixing and grandad would help. He accepted that. A few days later Grandad was at ours to see him after school and therefore he expected the pool to be up. It’s wasn’t 😬🫣 cue a 45 minute meltdown and various slaps to my face and things thrown at me. What eventually calmed him down (and I didn’t say it sooner as he was too far gone from the get go), was that O said something like “when I get the pool out tomorrow, what toys shall we put in it?” I kept repeating this in various ways and eventually he just accepted it and focused on something else.

You are definitely not alone, and please feel free to message me any time for anything. It does help to know other people are going through the same thing. Also please tell your partner it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. He’s only human, and it is extremely stressful and overwhelming. Some people are kind but others are judgemental so it’s does take some getting used to.

I'm so glad that helped xx

With all the booking, it sounds like Haven 🙄 It's no good for children with additional needs (I have a child with Autism) as you can't possibly know what they want to do until that day. With Haven you realistically need to book activities 4 weeks in advance or they sell out. As a result, you never get to do any of them as your child kicks off if it doesn't suit them that day!
Just go with the flow OP, even if it means staying in the lodge until you're due to come home. I know it's not what you planned & hoped for but he will enjoy it

Agree. Poor man is under stress and worried. He took himself off privately so as not to add to OPs worries.
this couple sound very considerate of each other’s needs and feelings, which is a real strength in dealing with challenging parenting.

Stay lovely and see it through, we've had similar experiences with ours, a lot of the time it's the new surroundings. The first couple days away are always awful but once they start to calm down and familiarise with the new environment it settles, by the end of the holiday it'll be easier and the more you go away the more all of you will develop strategies for coping with it. It does get easier I promise although it feels majorly shit right now xx

I'm so sorry to hear that, OP. It's bound to be hard and overwhelming for you both, as well as your DS, really.

If he's happy at the lodge could you maybe go for a walk then chill there today? Maybe a takeaway tonight and a few vinos to help you both chill out? DS may feel more comfortable tomorrow. Being on holiday is so exciting for little ones, he may have just become a bit too much.

Have you thought about picking up a daffodil lanyard from a supermarket and wearing it on his behalf? I think parents are much more understanding when they realise there may be eg ASD present. He's so little at the moment that people might just assume he's having a tantrum and then people can be a bit judgey.

Maybe try swimming tomorrow and have a plan in place in case he becomes unsettled. Use a disabled booth so there is more space and ask if there is a unisex area for carers where you can both go in?

When you do get home, if you haven't already, do try to join a parents group for children with ASD. There will be support there from people who know exactly what you're going through.

I really hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your stay.x.

Our daughter is 2 and pretty standard development wise with no issues.

I would dread taking her to workshops or painting classes though. She wouldn't sit still the whole time and would do whatever she wanted to do.

We were in CP in May and her favourite bit was running round the beach and parks. I didn't dare to do anything more formal with her. So please don't just think it's you. It is a tricky age generally without anything extra going on.

You've had some great advice OP so I haven't much to add, just an overall point that it saves a whole load of stress if you lower (or get rid of altogether!) your expectations and try to just go with the flow. And I think that goes for pretty much all parents of a 2yo, ND or not.

I would minimise planned stuff for at least the next 12 months, aim for stuff you can do independently and on your own timescale so it doesn't matter if you have to leave after 10 minutes. We're lucky that we have a massive forest near where we live, it has a visitor centre and playgrounds but also acres of woodland so if the playground gets too much we just divert to the woods and go bug hunting or build a den from fallen branches. It means we don't have to go home and the day isn't ruined and we've got pretty good at spotting the early signs of meltdown so can often distract to another activity before we get to that point.

I just found that 'zero expectations' approach really liberating, like a massive weight had been lifted and I could just enjoy time with DC without the pressure. Talk to DP too, you're in this together and it's a whole lot easier if you support each other and talk through how to deal with stuff.

I dont think there's anything wrong with your partner going to have a quiet cry in the bathroom, we have a 23yo with additional needs and know well that it can get overwhelming at times

And I suspect that you are the one who usually bears he brunt of taking your ds to places So your dp probably isn't used to it.

We learned to enjoy beach holidays and being the UK often ended up spending a lot of time in the cottage! But it's a rest for the adults. We would take paper crayons and paints and lego and maybe a simple game and as he got older ds was happy with tv/electronics.

Hi OP. We have a 9 year old with ASD and I have totally been your husband at times! It is a depressing process having to lower your expectations (although lots of DC and indeed adults, struggle with holidays).

Top tips: if you find a place that works, return a lot. We do different things but have also been to the same not very exciting holiday park in Norfolk about a dozen times now! They have exactly the same children's entertainment at the same time every evening, so although it's a bit grim for me and DH, it works.

Watch out for what regulates your DS. For our DD, it's water, so we always swim a lot. She's a massive sensory seeker so sand, grass, rocks, mud etc are also good.

Don't assume other people are judging. More likely they're sympathetic if it's a place with lots of DC.

Hey OP I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I don’t have experience of additional needs but have just done a similar break with a child of the same age and it sounds pretty much as you describe it and we did no structured activities and just did swimming and lots of walks/playing. Sometimes we think they’ll enjoy things that are just too much.

The best advice I ever had as a parent is only do one thing a day, meaning only do one class or schedule one visitor or plan one activity. Equally applicable when you have a newborn to when they’re a bit older situations like this

@SlatsandFlaps No it’s not haven. It’s a quiet lodge park in the forest with children’s activities.

You have had some great advice on this thread, OP, and I am glad that you are feeling less alone.

It is a readjustment. You will have to let go of some of your visions of what your son should be doing and what you will enjoy doing with him. It sounds like you are already beginning that process - good luck!

thank you for all the tips re: swimming! We’ve just taken him, he had a brilliant time, got upset at leaving but we quickly popped a towel poncho over him and carried him out with a cereal bar to distract him and it worked a treat! No tears! I am so thankful for these suggestions!!

Sorry you’re having a hard time and finding it hard to cope. I think you may be trying to do to much with your DS who is still a baby really. Build a bear is not really appreciated at that age. There are plenty of years to do these things. I would say just slow it down and do simple things without lots of transitions to different surroundings. Walks and play along the way and if you swim , allow down time afterwards. Hope it improves.Remember, he’s still VERY young and has no concept of your expectations of a holiday.

Amazing!
So pleased you all enjoyed it.

PLEASE don’t go self diagnosing your child. I say this as someone with ADHD.

I have a nearly-2 year old and I took him to an activity last week, thought he love it, paid for it and he broke down, couldn’t be comforted so we left. He didn’t like the guy leading the course. It has happened to all my friends with toddlers at some point.

Children at this age have a lot of overwhelming feelings and challenging behaviour for us. You need to lower your expectations, some things will end this way.

by all means when your son is older have him assessed, but please don’t diagnose him yourself. Kids are really tough, don’t cancel your holiday. Xxx

I remember crying on holiday with our 2 under 2 year olds because it is just so disappointing to be doing the same stuff in a more stressful environment! We realised that holidays with toddlers are not holidays and reduced our expectations and plans accordingly for several years!

Whilst you may have a child who ends up with a diagnosis, right now everything you've described about his behaviour sounds normal for my 2 year olds. My youngest didn't talk at all - he couldn't hear and needed grommets - but both youngest and middle had terrifying tantrums that could go on for ages until they were in school and beyond!

I would completely rethink your expectations for a holiday and go for the easy option every time. Hope you can find a way to relax.

pleased you had a nice time swimming.
I don't pretend to have children that have additional needs but sometimes any kind of parenting is just HARD and not really enjoyable in the slightest.
I had two in quick sucession and it nearly broke me.
Hope you have a nice rest of weekend. I do think a change of scene - even if it ultimately stresses out the kids (and mum and dad) is a good thing. Just a break from the usual routines etc.

I always knew that my eldest was not quite the same as other children and it drove me mad when friends would often say “oh mine is just like that too” when I knew they were not. Yea all kids sometimes have tantrums/have to leave the park because they had a meltdown/will only eat one type of sausage cut into exactly 9 pieces but not all of those things all the time, every day. Hope you manage to have fun and definitely forget all the organised activities. My daughter is at her worst when there are specific expectations of how an activity should go. Sending you hugs. And don’t tell your DH to man up, he’s allowed to be sad that things aren’t how you’d hoped.