Just caught my partner crying over the behaviour of our son

[Dontknowwhattodonoww]

My son has additional needs, he could possibly have autism but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He can’t talk yet (still babbles at aged 2), and he has awful meltdowns and can’t sit still. When he is angry he screams at the top of his voice and will begin trying to head butt things, most often the floor, as well as hitting himself. We try everything we can to calm him and comfort him and it’s been something I’m constantly getting calls from our nursery about. He doesn’t understand ‘no’, and communicates with us mainly through leading or pointing to things and images to tell us what he wants/how he’s feeling. He has been referred for speech and language therapy, and to a paediatrician.

We decided to go to a holiday park this weekend, it’s a nice forest lodge one that is quite quiet but has lots for kids to do. We booked activities for DS to go with him, but nothing too overwhelming for him. He loves swimming so we’ve booked to do that on both days we’re here.

Today we took him to build his own teddy (stuffing ourselves) and he picked out a teddy and we started stuffing. He refused to sit on the chair, tried to climb the table, and ended up back at the teddy station so we picked another teddy to stuff, too. He then had a huge meltdown and started running around the room screaming in front of other families who were all staring at us. He tried to head butt us when we picked him up and eventually we just left because it was getting too difficult to continue and to be honest, too uncomfortable.

We came back to the lodge and my partner went straight to the toilet, where it turns out he was crying because he found the situation so overwhelming.

Half of me is tempted for us to cancel the holiday and just go home, we’d planned some painting for this afternoon but I’m scared it’ll go the same way.

I do want to take him swimming but he has a meltdown in the changing rooms at the end because he doesn’t want to leave.

I thought what with the creative activities which he loves doing at home and nursery, and the swimming, we’d have a nice time away but it’s been so stressful.

I know it being a new environment will be a factor, but he is absolutely fine at the lodge.

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Do we stay and try to have a nice time or just go home? I want to be able to do nice family things but it’s just becoming anxiety inducing for both of us and the stares and comments aren’t nice at all.

I just want my son to enjoy himself and let us enjoy things with him.

Sorry if this post seems selfish.

I think you need to both yourself a break. Parenting is hard at the best of times. I used to think people were looking at me and judging but you realise that everyone has been there. Really, they’re thinking of the last time it happened to them and how they’re glad it’s not them this time. There are some good points about transition between activities, trying and leaving if it’s not working. Could you show him the room before the activities or get in first (it helps an autistic 15 year old that I teach)? Can you speak to the staff as they might be able to start an activity a little earlier than planned with just your son or just give him a bit more space / sit you near the door? They could tell you when the quiet times are in the pool. Headphones might help with CBeebies / CBeebies podcast on your phone. We try to tag team looking after the kids when we can to give everyone a break. If you go to the beach, can you have an hour to go for a coffee and read / chill / listen to some music?

Oh OP it sounds like you are all a bit stressed - please don’t worry about other people - they don’t count and most don’t care . I often listen to a child in public having a meltdown and think to myself ‘ I remember those times!’ It is so hard…. But no one is judging you I promise.

Re today - this isn’t a criticism but maybe planning ahead and having structured stuff to do, you have built up a picture of your weekend and because this is all a bit too much for DS you have all got more stressed. As pp say just chill out this afternoon in the lodge - take a break and a walk outside if you can but no pressure to do anything.

As @OnlyFoolsnMothers says most 2 year old cannot sit and do activities - I have 2 x NT DC and they wouldn’t have NEVER been able to cope in the build a bear thing at 2.
( I’m not sure going to get another bear was the answer though - he still needs to have boundaries and know that you are in charge when things go awry). But I get it - as a mum you’ll do anything to get calm in those situations. 2 year olds don’t need ‘things’ or ‘to make memories’ - honestly they just want to be with you.

Lastly @Giveitall said that your partner has to ‘man up ‘ - I don’t agree with that. We all deal with stressful situations differently / some of us get cross/angry when we are stressed, some of us swear and some get snappy with others…. Your partner was in tears because his stress ‘bucket’ is full …. He and you need to relax and just ‘be’.

take care 💐

He’s 2 and not yet verbal (which happens with a fair number of kids and is not always an indication of anything atypical). The vast majority if other parents who see him have a tantrum will be thinking ‘2 year old is kicking off. I’m glad it’s not my toddler this time/that my kids are past that stage/my kid always tantrumed when swimming ended.’
All 2 year olds behave like this sometimes. It’s not shocking anyone. Your child may have some additional needs that mean he has more of these meltdowns and they are more extreme than the average child his age, but you may also be feeling more sensitive to other people’s reactions because you know he might have some additional needs, when actually, this behavior is also displayed by the vast majority of neurotypical toddlers too.

In my experience most 2 year olds have little impulse control and want to do everything their own way, when that doesn't happen they will scream and act out. I think activities are hit and miss with kids under 5 they might do something nicely at home but cry and get upset when out. I would suggest heading to outdoor play areas /the beach etc. Avoid crowded areas. If it's Bluestone then the dinosaur park and park nearby are good for toddlers. Also for after pool tantrums a yummy snack /treat is a good idea and changing back at the lodge like someone else suggested too. Swimming pool changing rooms are always too hot, too cold, too crowded etc and I get cranky in them too.

One of mine was similar at the same age with activities. Swimming was interesting- enjoyed it but massive meltdown in the changing rooms. I think it was the stress of us trying to dry ourselves plus them, the noise, the confined space.. In the end we had a rota whereby one would go in early to get changed and set up stuff and then DC would be their focus entirely, while the second parent got themselves and other DC changed.
We also used to give some crackers too while waiting.
Sometimes I used to wonder if it was worth it but we look back so fondly on these times now!

We’ve just come back from a haven holiday and I had a proper cry about my almost 2yo’s behaviour whilst we were there. So much screaming. He loved the evening entertainment and swimming, but overall the whole holiday was incredibly stressful tbh. I really really empathise. We came home a night early in the end and honestly, I’m so glad we did. No shame in calling it a day if it’s proving more stressful than it is enjoyable!!

Stay at the lodge and enjoy your holiday. Parents seem to take their kids to organised activities younger and younger when it’s not always appropriate as you found out the hard way. Just take advantage of the outdoor stuff you know he’ll enjoy.

Jesus Christ, if my husband found me crying (which he has because as other posters have said, parenting can be tough) and told me to 'man up' or 'get a grip' I would lose my shit.

You sound like a great team who are doing the best for their child. Hopefully you can chill out the holiday and have a good time x

I think at that age a structured activity can be quite overwhelming for kids of that age. Maybe if you go with him to a forest or park or playground he'll enjoy that more?

Also, if you are at centre parks they have lovely playgrounds. I remember going with DD when she was a similar age and she either refused to do the activities or hated it and I wished we'd booked less activities and just enjoyed the many playgrounds and softplay centre.

Huge hugs to both you and dh. I know what you mean by just wanting to enjoy these activities with your child.

My three year old (likely HFA but very verbal) would act up in activities like this without a doubt. Tbh I wouldn’t really expect preschoolers to sit through organised craft activities and find it a bit bizarre that they are offered for that age group.

Go to the beach, go for a walk, play in the pool. Enjoy time together without piling on the pressure to do ‘stuff’. we recently went to Spain with our two (3 and 1) and it was so nice because we didn’t organise anything. Our days mostly consisted of a trip to Lidl in the morning, a visit to a beach or nature reserve mid morning, and a relaxed afternoon at the apartment drawing/reading, sometimes popping across the road to the beach or a playground later in the day.

I hear you. As others have said, doing anything with a 2 year old can be challenging, even without additional needs so this sounds hard. As a family we learned early on to have realistic expectations and to be flexible. There's no need to make everyone miserable just so you can say your child made a sea shell picture.

You're on holiday. Have a hug and remember your supposed to be having fun. If it's not fun, it's not worth doing.

That said, if your DC is being assessed for neurological difference, it's emotional for you and your DH. The life you imagined may turn out differently and it's important to acknowledge that and if you need to to grieve for it. I hope you are able to access support and practical help if you need it.

OP, I sympathise. It sounds like a holiday we had with eldest when he was around 3. And yes, he was eventually diagnosed with autism. I remember trying to carry him up steep sand dunes with him screaming and clawing at my face while my husband dragged all our stuff. Fun times. Getting out the pool was a huge issue too. The end of activities used to trigger meltdowns. Things like toddler groups were a nightmare as he’d kick off at putting away time. I think as a parent you know whether the tantrums are normal or these are meltdowns. They are different. I’m not surprised your partner was in tears. It’s hugely frustrating to deal with and I’ve certainly had a few over the years.

I wouldn’t write off your holiday. But I think you need a coping strategy. If you go swimming, one of you get out 5 mins early and get dressed, then when the meltdown begins you can just wrap them in a towel and carry them to the lodge to deal with. That way you aren’t half naked and sopping wet and trying to deal with it all.

I will say, my DS did grow out of these meltdowns once he learned to tell the time and we could introduce a schedule. Like if we go swimming now, we can tell him it’s a 45 minute session. So it does get better.

Having been slapped, kicked and sworn at for three hours this morning for daring to be poorly I can assure you Holland is the last place I want to be 😢

Giveitall

Your partner with respect, needs to “man up” especially if you are dealing with the tantrums on your own everyday whilst your partner works. Crying is not the answer.

That’s harsh. People respond to stress in different ways. Maybe at that point he’d just reached breaking point.

There is so much good advice and reassurance on this thread, I’m actually enjoying reading it (not always the case!). My grandson aged 5 is diagnosed autistic with a PDA profile and sounds very like your son - of course it may well be just the terrible twos but whichever it turns out to be, I completely second the need to ignore anyone else, you do what you/your son needs to do. Low expectations, flexible plans and helping him to feel safe and secure are the way to go. Enjoy the rest of your holiday 🙂🙂

Oh bless you and your husband. It's hard when things don't go to plan especially when you've arranged something special.

As others have said, I think most 2yos would struggle with something like Build a Bear- to me, that's an activity for children twice that age. 2 is just a baby. I'd bin all the organised stuff and just have fun as a family.

FWIW my (NT) DS had such a meltdown in a swimming pool changing room once that someone asked if they should call an ambulance 😂 He's now a very happy 16yo doing his GCSEs. So many of us have been there 🤗

My ds6 has autism. We use a now and next board and a transaction activity. So after swimming you say lets play with a ball etc He still screams and hits but can be helpful

Organised activities are more for older children, 3+.

I’m assuming this is your first child? I remember wanting to do lots of organised fun with mine but honestly, at 2 they just don’t get it. Stop booking things and just see where the days take you. It’s probably all very intense for him and he actually sounds like a normal 2 year old.

I cried today after ds had an epic meltdown in Tesco. I'd just man up then 🙄

Additional needs or not, you are expecting a lot from a two year old.

I was thinking this - it's something we've done with best on intentions sometimes.

I'd try talking pressure of everyone - at 2 DS won't remember and neither of you is enjoying the experiences. If possible outside walks, beaches - try for quiet areas. Holidays are hard anyway with young children as routine and familiarity are taken away - naps get disrupted.

Given age his age I expect most other parents just thought toddler behaviour and thank god it's not us for once.

Apart from anything else, two year olds are extremely emotional. If you can't go to the painting, and it sounds like that would be overload, you could pop down to the centre and explain and either get some materials to do at the lodge or rebook the session for a day when that will be the sole activity.

We’ve been their over my eldest’s behaviour. One of the hardest things is wanting to plan nice things for them (in your case build a bear) and it being ruined by meltdowns and screaming. I think you have to lower your expectations so you all enjoy your break. Maybe just one swimming session a day and a picnic lunch after if he enjoys that. If you can let each other have some time alone to chill as that def helps with the feelings of being overwhelmed.

Oh that is funny- calling an ambulance. :) It's so hard.

I recall once DS aged about 4 having a tantrum in the street when we were teying to have an off the cuff chat with one of DH's friends. The friend sneered at DS and commented ; 'Isn't he a little old to be having tantrums?'. At which point I then had a full on tantrum right in his face (my ebb was low) thus perhaps suggesting that being aged 42 was not too old for tantrums either.

(I literally have no regrets).

hi again. So sorry for the delay in replying. I just want to thank everyone for their really helpful comments and reassuring stories it has really given me an eye opener and made me feel less alone.

we have cancelled all planned activities and have just come back from a run around the park which has tired DS out and he is now napping.

we’ll take him to the pool tomorrow and that’ll be our main activity - we’re going to do as suggested and grab some little bits from the shop to do at the lodge if/when he wants to.

feeling much more relaxed knowing we’re not alone.

there are many other indicators for autism in my DS which is why he’s been referred for the assessment, and I myself have been referred for an autism assessment; my brother and cousins are also autistic so it’s very much in my family so I am lucky in that I will have the knowledge if he is diagnosed; and will continue to learn and educate myself and link with other parents, maybe even some through here?!

again thank you thank you thank you, realising that these social media activities are not realistic is incredibly helpful, You see so much online and then go to do it yourself and it’s impossible, youre very right in that it’s too old and we know that now!

luckily the lodge has Netflix so we’ve got his favourite show on repeat for a while which is relaxing him I think.

again thank you all <3

Holidays with children with additional needs are tough. You have to drastically lower expectations and whatever makes the child happy is broadly what you do.

Ibhave two boys with autism.

Holiday was a cottage, lots of familiar toys and devices, a low stress morning with no structure, familiar picnic lunches and home for the afternoon.

They can’t cope with more than that.

We have the meltdowns around stopping activities they like - we bribe them with chocolate/banana/biscuit so as soon as they kick off we pass a piece and eventually they are distracted enough.

2 is way too young for many NT children to build a bear. Soft play, play parks, swimming, open farms with play areas etc. those are what we concentrate on.