AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

It sounds to me that your struggling with depression and should speak to your GP. No judgement as I suffer with psychotic depression and despite being on meds I still have days where I wish the hours away, and my kids are all older (youngest is 6)
You're not a terrible mum. You're a mum struggling. We all do. It's not all sunshine and rainbows despite how social media would portray it. Most of the time it's gruelling and exhausting.

I’m sorry you sound like you are struggling
it’s a vicious circle as without being stimulated they will fight and bicker as they are bored and irritated.

Please speak to your health visitor as they might be a or to offer you support and perhaps your GP for your own mental health needs

it is a hard age

Chocolate for breakfast will just backfire on you, I'm afraid.

But playing with bird seed isn't a big deal. You don't need big days out, just spend time with them. Get a sand pit for the garden maybe? Put out some pots of different sizes and let them play with water, transferring it from pot to pot.

It is important to limit screen time. But there's a lot in between days out and doing the bare minimum, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

This is a tough age.

It’s tough at that age. I can understand you letting them get away with stuff than face the tantrum. Long term it won’t do you any favours but do what you need to get you through

You don't need to do an organised activity but playing outside with stuff like seeds doesn't sound a problem. I agree with the sandpit suggestion. Also a waternplay thing? I remember letting my daughter do art by pouring glitter onto her pictures aka our carpet, and it being quite a nice day. I also recall giving my son crisps for tea once. Two under three is a tough stage and I look back and am not sure how I got through it.

Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum.

This is a short term gain but long term pain scenario, unfortunately. Because you won’t stop the tantrums and the kids will get used to you giving in. Chocolate for breakfast as a deliberate, wildly exciting treat? Why not. Chocolate for breakfast because you can’t face a kickback from insisting on toast? No way.

it can be bloody hard. I think I veered a bit the other way with my kids and was a bit authoritarian at times because of that - we all have our own coping strategies because it is hard with little kids. So don’t beat yourself up about finding it so. But I would think about looking at making longer term improvements rather than always just dealing with the moment, because that is ultimately what will make life better for you.

I actually don’t think path of least resistance is that much of a bad thing at this age, especially if they keep fighting. There were days when I basically just let them get on with it, because one of my dc had complicated medical problems that meant all my time was taken up with her and so i let my DSs do stuff I maybe wouldn’t have under normal circumstances. They turned out fine, it didn’t do them any harm. So no, I don’t think that some days like this will have a huge detrimental effect on the kids!

You sound like you’re putting them together by saying ‘they both argued over pancakes’. Your youngest is 1? A 1 year old isn’t arguing over pancakes he’s just being a 1 year old. Work on your older one being kinder, lots of praise.

Its hard but letting them do what they want isn’t going to be good long term. Why is your partner not stepping up? They need to do more! You must be exhausted. Even if he agrees to do certain jobs, jobs that you then don’t have to think about.

I think it’s a case of picking your battles at this stage.

I’ve got 2 small ones. Yesterday the eldest had milk and biscuits for lunch while the younger one had an Ella’s pouch and veggie straws. While watching TV. All things I said I’d never do.

I hope things get easier for you soon 💐

Honestly? They sound bored and under stimulated, adding in the fact they’re hyped on sugar. I’m not saying you need to take them anywhere but there’s plenty you can do with them at home that would keep them occupied. I also have two kids of similar ages and letting them get away with bad behaviour because you don’t fancy the kickback is a short term solution that causes long term problems

At that age one thing that gave me some peace was opening out a big box, drawing a road and lots of local places my son knew - park, peoples houses, landmarks etc. He was into cars and played with that for what seemed like hours. You have to sit with them for the first few mins but once they’re engrossed you can go away and scroll/sit/eat biscuits.

Similar effects with anything digging - digging patch, sandpit, kinetic sand, water play too

Not all TV is created equal - there are good choices.

Read a couple of books and then turn the TV on to appease your guilt maybe?

No judgement at all but it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

(Talking about the 3 year old, I assume your younger one is too young to do any of that alone really!)

I agree with @HerRoyalHappiness .
Doing the bare minimum is fine if you have other things in place but to always be doing the bare minimum just to get through the day is sad and worrying. Do you have a routine at the weekend? If you are not able to take them out to the park or swimming or soft play then I would use your garden as much as possible. The investment will be worth it. Giving in to certain behaviours might make life easier now but in the long run you need structure at the weekends and evenings to help manage their behaviour. You are the parent. Of course if you let a child they will eat rubbish and throw expensive birdseed and whatever else they can get away with. These years are tough - I was in the same boat as you. But the more you go for the easy life option the harder it will be to undo those decisions. Structure, routine, fun, proper sensible meals, exercise and fresh air. If you can't manage that on the weekend then you are probably depressed and need to see your gp. Best of luck OP.

I agree with the sand / water / pavement chalks if you have a patio. That sort of thing

Doing the bare minimum is fine when you are ill and just trying to survive. But I do hope you aren’t like that when you are well? The DCs fighting and acting up is probably due to you ignoring them. Young DC need constant attention and to be stimulated when awake/active. Generally, if they’re playing nicely and being good….the ignoring goes on. But if they fight/act out, then they get the attention they crave. So by ignoring them you are actually causing them to get your attention by any means necessary. It’s a vicious circle and the only way to end it is by being fully present and engaged with your DC when they are awake/active. It is relentless and if you need a break try doing play dates or getting a babysitter in so you can have a break. As I say, it’s ok when you’re ill to do the bare minimum, but it’s not good long term.

I would let mine make so so much mess at that age, it was insane of me looking back. But no telly or sugary food, and multiple trips out a day helped. I’d pick one thing to indulge rather than all three every day. And my DH does the housework (not admin planning or DIY though) stuff (we have/ had similar work set up to you).

It's a phase and a hard stage, so do what you need to get through it, but when you do have more energy, try to balance it out.

You're not a terrible mum, the fact that you are even posting this shows that.

It does also sound like you need some help with the kids. Have you family or friends nearby who can give you a few hours to yourself?
Or could they or DH take just one of them off your hands once in a while (alternating?) allowing you some quality time with the other which may help overall as they might be craving that, esp older one?

You just sound exhausted and you can't pour from an empty cup, so I'd start with finding ways to refill yours.

Tv and snacks are fine in moderation, but chocolate for breakfast is not great. I predict future tantrums when he doesn’t get chocolate for breakfast if you carry in with this. I would probably ignore the bird seed tbh though.
water play is a great idea, what about with some paint brushes, then they can ‘paint’ something with water outside? My kids loved doing that. The worst that happens is damp clothes, but entertained kids.

Lots of fresh air and exercise helps to keep them calmer at home.
You sound very tired but letting them fill up on sugar and too much screen time will cause problems later.
Take them out for a runaround, point out ducks, birds and squirrels. Let them run off energy.
Then tv time is more relaxing rather than over stimulating.
They are at very difficult ages but modelling calm, kind and playful behaviour will help them to be more calm, kind and playful together.
Water play works well in the garden. We had a table with cups, boats and windmill things and let the dc put a few dinosaurs and animals in it. They played with it for hours.
Or put a couple of bowls of water outside and let them 'wash' some toys or stones they find in the garden.

Parenting young children can be really exhausting and draining. I’m sure everyone has days when we do what they need to to get by but not all the time.

Your children sound bored and like they need more stimulation. My 3 year old becomes a real handful if he’s bored but is a different child when we are doing something that interests him.

I understand that working full time is tiring but that means the weekends is when you get to spend time together. It would be nice to make the most of that time!

Children that age don’t need much. A trip to the park, going to see the ducks, water painting etc is so fun for their age group.

I think you do need boundaries as hard as it is.... No we don't have chocolate for breakfast..... Just a little bit of bird food as its very expensive etc. Just look at some Jo frost stuff for ideas. You may have to get a bit military.

Is your partner getting help with his mental help to be able to help out more?

I agree with PP that you are making your life harder in the long run.
How about writing a timtable/list plan for each day which includes when they can watch TV and for how long?
I would get rid of chocolate that your children are aware of.
Find some activities you enjoy doing with your children - Park, painting (best done outdoors with a 1 year old), singing and dancing (usually goes down well).
Also worth seeing your GP about your mood.

I always remember coming home from work when my DS was about 18 months old and my mum was looking after him and she was sat in our garden with our washing up bowl and a few toys that would float and they were having an absolutely whale of a time. Not much effort involved but DS now 22 still remembers it. Could you try something like that?

Thank you for your advice.

So DS1 is nearly 3. DS2 is 14 months. SO you're right - that DS2 isn't fighting or anything like that. But he is obsessed with stealing everything off his brother. Also DS2 doesn't leave my side. He is attached to me. He still breastfeeds and I can't persuade him to stop. He cries if I leave the room, put him down, etc. So that is very hard to then do activities with DS1.

I do take the 'easy' route though. I'm actually not disciplined by nature. I have a good job and I work hard, but my own personal routines have always been chaotic, finding clothes off the floor, losing things, never clean underwear. So I find it really hard to stick to routines with the kids. I am trying but when I'm on 5 hours sleep and I was working on things for my boss until 8pm the night before, it's so hard to think 'right, let's get the pens and paper out'. I mean...I would, but DS1 has always been v resistant to activities.

So if I get the paints out, he will take a look at them, maybe paint a couple of splodges and then throw the paper on the floor and ask for a snack. DS1 also gets jealous of DS2 always on me, and just takes himself off with his tablet or steals my phone.

I think I may need to ban all snacks. DS1 obviously doesn't get anything like that at nursery but at home, he asks constantly. Snack mummy snack mummy snack mummy and when DS2 is crying on my lap, I sometimes give in as DS1 often will push things over when he doesn't get his way.

I really thought I'd be a good mum. I'm good at going to work and organising their lives for them. I'm very loving towards them. So many cuddles, kisses, throwing them up in the air, dancing with them, and I do take them out with DH (I struggle with both of them alone in the park) but the routine/activities/good food/discipline...I'm bloody awful. Maybe I'm lazy, but I just honestly don't know where other mums are finding the energy/motivation to do the right thing and be engaging etc. I don't really like myself right now.