AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

You sound so overwhelmed ❤️ the thing with endless snacks and screens is that it doesn't help you in the long run. When you need it tho you need it and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You're doing such a hard thing, and an unnatural one too raising toddlers by yourself. Throughout history, and around the world, women have had help from their communities and each other to raise their kids. Noone would be doing it without support because it's basically impossible.

Practically, something that helps me is to plan out the night before what we will do the next day as I can get overwhelmed in the moment. I concentrate on outdoor things because mine are mostly better behaved out of the house and the fresh air tires them. Plus they can't make a mess then. Just local park or woods is fine they don't need a lot to inspire them.

Solidarity it's so hard ❤️

Routine routine routine

I know a routine sounds overwhelming and totally un-doable right now but it is honestly the only thing that will get you through

I was a single Mum to two under two and I had depression so I’ve been you, and can tell you it will not get better without some kind of routine
Even on bad days I was like a zombie going through the motions on autopilot, but I didn’t have to think because it was generally the same

Ours at your ages was roughly this:
Pre 9am tv, breakfast and getting ready
9am - activity (usually outside)
12pm - lunch
1-2:30 - baby nap, quiet 1:1 time with older one
2:30/3ish - snack
3pm - another activity
5ish - dinner
After dinner - tv/books/colouring
6:45 - baths and bedtime

When I say ‘activity’ that could’ve been anything from going to the park or soft play, to water play in the garden, painting, baking, visiting grandparents, a bus ride to nowhere (they loved the bus!) nipping to the supermarket with me or some days our ‘activity’ was a Disney film with popcorn

The point is structure - they know what’s coming, you know what’s coming so there’s little thinking involved and little time available for tantrums

Also keep those meals and snacks as simple as possible - breakfast is weetabix and a banana, lunch a sandwich and yoghurt or beans on toast, dinner something in the oven with frozen veg - pick your battles

@UWhatNow - Bollocks. They have enough to eat, beds to sleep in and are safe and love. OP isn’t “parenting” well by your standards but there isn’t a “complete lack”.

I have seen “complete lack of parenting” and that really is neglect. Mattresses with no sheets, no bedtime or structure at all, not enough food, failing to get medical attention, children punished for normal childhood behaviour, nappies not changed, lack of supervision to be safe.

I don't have answers just came to say try not to be so hard on yourself. Parenting is so hard and parenting on your own is even harder, working full time and parenting on your own is hardest. Go easy on yourself x

For painting/messy play, I used to go out of the house a lot when my DC was younger (especially in lockdown when there wasn't much to do). I'd meet a friend, we'd take some paints, plastic plates and paintbrushes to a quiet corner of our local woods and tape some paper around a tree for our DC to paint on. There was a shop on the way where we could grab a takeaway coffee and it was great to be out of the chaos and claustrophobia at home for a couple of hours.

This age is tough and you have my sympathies I definitely wasn’t an ideal parent when mine were toddlers, but enjoyed them a lot more as they got older.
A few things that helped..

• getting out morning and afternoon, even if one of those was just a walk to the corner shop. We spent a lot of time in the children’s library, and I remember Ds1 considering a drive through the car wash a treat.
• toddler groups. I’d go most weekdays at one stage, they could play, I got a hot drink and - most importantly - a chance to chat with other mums.
• accepting help from family. You sound low, and if there’s anyone you can confide in, and especially if they can take the kids on occasion, a break might do you the world of good.

@UWhatNow

You What Now indeed.

A "complete lack of parenting"? I posted on here because I'm struggling to set up good routines and activities when looking after a baby and toddler by myself during the weekends & I give in to tantrums too easily.

But I'm literally proactively searching for advice and support to do better. But they are so so loved. I just spent the last 30 minutes making a den out of the sofa cushions and about to make them pasta lunch. The house is a mess and the baby is still in pyjamas and the toddler did eat some crisps before 10am so I'm not doing great but they are bloody loved, and I work my arse off during the week to pay for their childcare, clothes, clubs, bills, house etc etc.

If you want to spend your weekend making strangers who are already struggling feel worse about themselves - go for it - but I won't accept that there is a complete lack of parenting.

Small children are like dogs. Wear them out with time outside and they'll be too exhausted to make much mischief the rest of the time.
Either you or DH need to do something with them most days- walk to a local park is absolutely fine - it sounds like it would also help you to get some fresh air and space.

For everyone suggesting taking them out - I totally agree with that - I'm far happier out and about then trying to do activities at home where it always seems to descend into choas and arguments.

But do you confidently take out 2DC who are 1 and 3 (nearly) by yourself? I can't seem to manage it. I did it last weekend to our local park and the 3 year old scaled a climbing frame to the top and started shouting "can't do it can't do it" and crying. I ended up having to hand the baby to a complete stranger (a nice smiley mum) to go get him. I can't seem to keep them both safe and out of trouble when it's just me.

I definitely agree with boundaries whoever said that. I'm a terrible people pleaser - and always trying to fix stuff for other people (colleagues, DH, family) and then feel totally burnt out myself. DH does do bit but he doesn't seem to manage the DC by himself very well, but then neither do I!

Total sympathy here, it’s hard and it sounds especially hard for you. But I voted YABU because whilst we all have the odd day like this, letting this kind of thing happen regularly won’t help your kids and won’t help you. They will steadily become worse and the littlest will pick up behaviour from the eldest. Assuming no SEN kids really do thrive with firm boundaries and clear expectations on behaviour, it’s difficult at first but it does sink in eventually. Honestly I would be re evaluating my lifestyle, like can you move house and work less? Can you move closer to family? Can your DH pick up a bit more of the parenting but do it consistently. Ask for help from your GP! Watch super nanny on the TV! It will get easier but you’ve got to take some clear steps yourself too.

Op- your DH has to step up. he just has to. you are going to burn yourself out.

Pick one thing to do this weekend. Just one. (FWIW I recommend softplay followed by a little simple lunch at a cafe or at the softplay). Each weekend pick one thing. It will get easier and then you can build on it. Don't try and do too much at first- it is tempting (IME anyway) to dry and do the 'big fix' then crash with exhaustion. Pick one thing. Do that. See how you feel.

But depending on how bad your DH's MH is I am not sure how sympathetic I can feel. You have so so much of a burden on you. He has to bloody step up and be a partner and a parent.

I feel for you, I really do.

There are two parents in the house so why does it all fall on you OP?

I do feel low sometimes. Low because I want to be such a good mum, nothing is more important but I can't seem to manage some stuff very well.

I did take DS1 to football every Saturday but he really struggled, tantrums, demanding to go home, he doesn't really like new things very much and tends to go completely mad or hide or just don't engage in the activities at all.

Also they're both much better at childcare or with childminders - my DH always joke that they're at their worst when I'm in the room and my presence seems to make both of them lose their minds a bit.

Ive been there. Struggling with depression and two young dc (( close in age and both dc have additional needs)) getting out each day kept me sane and became a needed routine. Be it to the park or the library or just to the shops.

And your DH might find it hard to manage them. But women areb not born just knowing how to parent. We step up and do it.

At the very least I am sure he is capable of taking the older one into the garden and kicking a ball around.

You're not lazy and you're not depressed. You have too much to do and something is going to give.

I should say I keep saying 'they are at their worst' - I don't mean to sound horrible. They are little tiny humans and the baby is actually very easy in the sense he rarely gets upset. He just wants to be on me physically at all times. And also I can't seem to get him to stop trying to feed off me. He obviously doesn't breastfeed during the week because I work so many hours but if i'm around he shoves his head down my top every 20 mins

They’re badly behaved because you allow them to be.

You give in to avoid a tantrum, you let them do things they know are naughty, they see you watching them do them, and that you let them do it anyway.

So you can’t sit there and blame them. This is entirely on you and your husband. They behave this way because you haven’t shown them any other way to behave.

You need to divide and conquer. So DH needs to step up and take one and you take the other. Go somewhere and tire them out individually.
I find a tired child is one easy to handle. That is the time you can stick on a movie, give them some snacks and they’ll sit quietly for a bit.
This is time you need to get on with things like washing etc. I wouldn’t be afraid of repetition at this time, doing the same things can be good for small children.
As you’re called Redcar, are you near the beach? What are the like there.

ODFOD.

This is what people like you said to me about my DS. Turned out he's autistic and was genuinely much harder work than other DC. Plus the usual techniques just didn't work on him.

People like you made me feel like absolute shit, and didn't help at all.

This sounds like a great idea. Would it be possible?

If you take the baby, you might even be able to spend some time doing something for yourself that you like, with the baby in tow!

I repeat what I said earlier, you’re putting them both together as ‘arguing’ when a 14 month old isn’t arguing! They are being a baby!

@SnapDog - thank you for sharing that. I really related. I could imagine letting them draw on the door - I haven't yet - but I know that feeling of just feeling like giving up. Mine isn't there all the time but when I'm on very little sleep and my phone is buzzing with work emails and DS1 is playing up - I could imagine letting him do whatever he wanted. It's not good I know it's not. I don't think I'm depressed. I love so much about my life. I'm just overwhelmed. But I do think I might have ADHD but also I'm probs just very disorgniased and have too much on.

DH is another matter. Leaving him just feels like I'd be making things even harder. He does try, but it's hard to make him see that he's a passanger most of the time

I know. I'm just writing in a rush. I know the baby isn't aruging. I mean the baby might snatch a toy off the toddler and then the toddler snatches it back and then they both end up in tears. I understand they are not having an argument. I understand he is a baby and is in no way responsible for anything. In fact, as a baby he is pretty chilled out. I have told you I understand your point, so you don't need to repeat it again.

@UWhatNow If you read the OP's posts she is not exhibiting "a complete lack of parenting". She is doing a lot of good parenting and is asking for advice on managing her two young children's difficult relationship. Lots of posters have given very good advice without putting on their judgey pants.