AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

Yep!

@Ohthatsexciting this isn’t unique to me either, loads of people with “invisible” illnesses whether mental health or something like lupus get this. 70% of rejections get overturned…they’re hoping people don’t have the strength to fight it, which is disgusting. I don’t know why you seem surprised that they refuse people with very valid illnesses and disabilities, it happens all the time.

DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

I think this may be a huge part of the problem - you've been doing far too much for far too long with very minimal support. Sounds like he is dragging you down too.

Those people that let their kids make loads of mess rather than face a tantrum…how is that easier for you?! You just have to clean it all up later! I’d rather they tantrum then make more work for myself.

OP, the constant asking for snacks would do my head in. Costly and expensive. Tell him no and face the tantrum that he will have. Some kids will just eat and eat and eat if you let them.

Oh and I’d stop the breastfeeding for the one year old too - they are well old enough for you to stop and that will make life a lot easier for you

OP children need stimulation and they actually fight less when kept more occupied

Obviously it’s hard to bother when you’re exhausted, I felt the same and there were times when Thomas the tank engine was turned on while I sulked in the kitchen. It’s really hard going.

I used to divide the day 40 minute segments. This helped hugely

My husband and I also took turns at the weekend for. Lie ins. Sounds like he needs to step up. Can’t he take them out on a Saturday morning to football or something?

I agree that parents used to spend less time ‘playing’ with children but I also think that the routine was stricter and involved more time just doing chores and things as a family. You can take the kids shopping or for a walk, get them to put toys away together, dust etc. They quite enjoy it at that age. Personally I found it easier to get them out of the house at that age. And you return to a tidy house! Look for classes running at the weekend, church play groups, activities for children, village fairs etc. Some friends would go to soft play every weekend. decide on a few strict boundaries and structure, you’ll be in trouble in the future without them. Maybe follow nursery routine for snacks? It sounds like you’re working too hard to be sustainable, how much is the oh doing?

You're not lazy, you're burned out. For the love of God don't beat yourself up, but I do think you need to see your GP for a chat.

That's not how PIP works.

PIP assessments are set up for you to fail. And no, they don't just take the word of actual expert medical professionals (although they do ask for supporting evidence), they use their own non-expert assessments to decide.

It's a system that is set up to punish the poor and the disabled.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/dwp-pip-disabled-benefit-uk-b2009256.html

When mine were these ages the things which worked best were activities where the older child wanted to be independent.

So, for example, if we went to soft play the older one would be off doing things on their own and so I could focus on the younger one a bit more.

Playdates or park meets with another child the same age as the eldest were always helpful too. . .

@Ohthatsexciting

ADHD does not make you eligible for PIP

ADHD is not a learning disability

I disagree
i receive the basic rate
They accessed my GP records and saw everything
plus I provided a private specialist report.

They need external professional views

You arent a bad mum at all, just a struggling one. You need support and help. I know your DH had MH issues but you sound like you're going that way too.

No matter what his issues are he should still help with the children. Your DC sound like typical kids. Hopefully they will grow out of it.

Look after yourself. I'd check into a hotel for a night and let DH sort it. You need a break. Exhausted

It absolutely should be something you can claim PIP for. It’s not a learning disability but it is a disability in neurotypical society and it’s an incredibly expensive condition.

Well in that case
why is the PP that did apply on the grounds she had unmedicayed ADHD surprised she didn’t receive?

So if I get the paints out, he will take a look at them, maybe paint a couple of splodges and then throw the paper on the floor and ask for a snack.

Sod playing with paints! Too much effort to supervise and then clean them up if you've got DC who are a handful already.

It sounds like you have a garden. I echo "water painting" on the fence or patio - big brushes and water, can keep them occupied for a bit.

Also patio chalks. And a sprinkler toy - that kept mine amused for a little while. Something along these lines (although beware, they're always much smaller than they look on the picture!). Maybe someone can recommend one?

Also, lower your expectations about how long it'll hold their attention. If it's only 10 or 15 minutes, well great, they've had a lovely experience for 10 minutes, that's much better than not. Playtime at primary is only 15 minutes and kids manage to pack a lot of fun into it!

www.amazon.co.uk/Water-Sprinkler-Kids/s?k=Water+Sprinkler+for+Kids

That sounded a bit harsh when I read it back.
You are at a really difficult age and it is hard work. It will get easier. Pick your battles but do keep important boundaries.

Set the oven timer and say that he’ll get a snack when that gives off. Or for the little one, it’s older dcs turn to play with mummy. Maybe a sand timer so older dc gets 5/10 minutes uninterrupted mummy time. Little and often. Or set the timer for 10 minutes mummy time so you can play on your phone but they know you’ll get your attention soon. Maybe even set up a mini schedule that your older one can follow.

Get them out of the house and tire them out in the park. Splash in puddles. Stick them in the bath.

Go to some organised activities. some play dates.

Choose educational tv programmes to assuage tv guilt .

Keep a running commentary whilst you are doing jobs so you are engaging with them positively even when not actually playing with them. Count steps as you walk up the stairs etc. It’s all positive attention so they won’t need to misbehave to get your attention.

I saved paint and glitter for nursery, or at least in the garden. The magic painting books are good. You use a paintbrush and water, and the picture develops. Or give them a paintbrush and water, maybe with a drop of colour in it to paint on the patio or path. As a pp said cardboard boxes are great.

Reward charts

I used to have to get out of the house and do something everyday or I got cabin fever. I also used a variation of 123 magic. Just say there will be a consequence though. Don’t say what it will be so you don’t regret what you’ve threatened on the spur of the moment. Always, always follow through. Once they realise that you mean what you say, life will get easier. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you aren’t consistent, they keep on plugging away because it worked last time so they operate on the basis of - if I try (misbehave) harder, then she’ll eventually give in - as you currently do.

Good luck
short term pain for long term gain.

What happens during the week? Are both your DC in nursery full-time or does your DH look after them when he's not at work?

How much spare money do you have? Could you afford a weekend babysitter for one morning a fortnight to give you a break?

For what condition? Your anecdote doesn’t disprove the statistics that PIP is set up to fail - if they were doing it right, 70% of rejections wouldn’t be overturned.

Oh and utter BS that you can’t get pip if you have adhd

www.phlgroup.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Support-and-Information-After-Diagnosis.pdf

Anorexia

You sound like a good mum.

You're right to cut out the snacks and stick with fruit. Grapes are easy and are basically sweets. Watermelon is also a big hit.

I think your mindset might need adjusting slightly. Your job is NOT to stop your children from crying. Just tune it out if they're crying for attention, do the opposite and ignore. When they calm down, start to give attention again, they'll soon get the idea. Don't let the crying stress you, it's like having builders in using the power tools. Loud and noisy but eventually it will calm down.

I know it's easy for me to say, I've been there and it's shit at the time but things do get easier.

I found the process very straight forward
Simply because my medical records objectively confirmed everything I was telling them

You were really lucky then! I know of one person who got it straight away for MH, everyone else had to appeal sadly.

OP you sound depressed, burnt out and in desperate need of a break. Why isn’t your partner doing the majority of the house work if he works part time? How much parenting does he do? It’s not on, he doesn’t get to opt out of these things because of his mental health, which then impacts YOUR mental health.