AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

Then, on the quiet, find yourself a very good solicitor (or SHL as they are known on here) and discuss all your options.

Do you like him at all, OP?

Would you prefer not to have him around?

Thank you. I did once have a time when I felt Crystal clear I would leave. He was doing fuck all and I cut my hand badly while making dinner, lots of blood and be having to sit on the floor all faint. And he didn't even stop his video game. He looked almost angry at me...so weird. I called him out on it later that day and he said blood made him feel sick and anxious and that I was clearly dealing with it myself. I don't know. I thought that day we are done but that was 6 months ago and I think maybe I've gone the other way now of just trying to manage it all and hope he doesn't get in the way but clearly from my stressed out post this morning it's not working

@ChocolateHippo I do care about him. He cares about me I think. I hope he does. He never cheats or drinks or flirts with anyone. He goes on about how much he loves me. And we do get on. We are not fighting all the time. But I do feel like his mum even though he's a decade older than me. I daydream about doing it all without him. But then when I can't control my toddler and the baby is hanging off me and my boss is calling me I think WTF would I do as a single mum. Also he wouldn't go quietly.

To use a terrible MN cliché - you have a DH problem.

You aren’t a terrible mother. You’re absolutely shattered from carrying the load of wage earning, parenting and running a household by yourself. Your DH can piss off if he thinks that’s ‘what feminism wanted’. That’s just a woman being forced to be a wage slave and a domestic slave while the man’s alleviated from the burden of earning money.

And he flies off the handle when you pull him up on it? No wonder - why would he want things to change?

Op, it sounds really awful and not a sustainable way to live. I get that you’re worried but would you consider talking to a solicitor and getting a sense of what your options are and whether your worries are realistic.

I have one more recommendation for you: ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. Somewhere (in between watching them draw on doors while I gave up) I found the time to read that. I hid it in a drawer and kept going back to it when I had time.

Seconded. Get it on kindle on your phone x

A lot of people very quick to say 'leave this man' as if it's not a big deal to break up with the father of your children, who, I assume you still love? You havent said otherwise.

He does sound frustratingly useless and selfish... and there are some red flags: gas lighting, control/OCD but that doesn't necessarily mean all is lost.
He is getting some help already which is good and before suggesting just leaving/breaking up, if you still have love for each other still, I would suggest perhaps couples therapy to address your issues?

Has he always been like this? Or is it only since the children came along?

Unfortunately, there are countless threads on mumsnet with very similar stories of a similar dynamic, ie huge imbalance in responsibility and work load in families with small children, so this is not unusual and you aren't alone.
Doesn't make it ok. But it is common & many families survive it. And some don't. Having young children is very stressful, it's a new to everyone involved and changes you etc. Sometimes it brings out the worst in people. But it doesn't make them the worst.
I'm not standing up for him, and you should certainly seek help and consider leaving if you are in an unhealthy relationship. But I also think that people are quick to just say 'leave him' which is not always the most helpful...

Just to follow up:
Have only just seen your latest reponses in which some of my questions were answered... so my last post may not be fully applicable

This story is just so shocking.

You are afraid of him.

Make no mistake about that.

Please tell your GP the truth.

Please call Womens aid for support.

There's a point at which you don't fight anymore not because your relationship is good, but because you've checked out and given up hope of anything changing. It's easier not to rock the boat.

I just can't imagine being in your shoes, paying for most things, doing most of the household jobs/childcare and then being willing to fund this man until retirement and beyond to sit around and do bugger all.

I really feel for you and can relate so much. I have 3 year old twins and it is such hard word. I work part time and it's so much easier going to work. I take my hat off to SAHM, it's the hardest job in the world.

I have days where I have zero energy and they have biscuits for breakfast and watch far too much TV cause I'm just exhausted.

They fight so much too, its relentless and I feel like I'm having a breakdown near enough every day. I do find the days we stay home they are alot harder so I try and get out as much as possible with them.It's hard going anywhere by yourself with 2 toddlers, I usually have to have my mum come out with us. Do you have anyone who could take them out with you? Even just for an hour?
I have just started being able to take them out myself on occasions but usually to a really small enclosed park where they can't escape or to a small soft play I found. They are at the age where they will play together and I can sit where I can see them and have a coffee for 5 minutes.
I've also joined them up to a few different classes on one of my days off work which I can manage to take them by myself. They love the structured activities and it keeps them busy and in a routine.
Also a playgroup too is a great place to take them and really cheap. They also love just going for a walk around the park to feed the squirrels.
When the weather is nice they spend most the day in the garden and pool if we're lucky enough with the weather.

When I'm struggling for things to do with them I google activities for toddlers and I follow a few people on Instagram that have loads of fun simple activities for toddlers.

It's such a hard age and I really empathise with you. You're not a bad mum, the fact you feel so much guilt shows that. Toddlers are just little terrorists and sometimes we need days where they eat crisps for breakfast and watch too much TV, anything to get through the day.

We will miss it one day, so everyone keeps telling me 😅

Oh fuck off. Read the thread.

Don't have children if you can't be bothered to parent. Is there a family member the children can live with?

Don't comment if you can't be arsed to read the thread and the fucking room. Is there a family member that can revoke your Internet access?

Oh this is so much more than just doing the bare minimum with your kids.
Please get yourself some legal advice about how to get out of this abusive relationship.
I bet he wants to be a SAHP because you do everything, please they'll be at school in a couple of years so he'd only do a couple of hours a day.

You would mange as a single Mum, because you'd have to. Its a lot easier without a dead weight holding you back, taking up mind space.

The fact he gets a day to himself, and STILL makes plans at the weekend is astonishing.
I'd do an online shop, and casually drop in it'll be delivered on Friday during the day to save him the trip at the weekend. You'll be taking some time for yourself instead of him going off shopping.

As another PP mentioned, swap your WFH home day, he'll have a massive shock at what it's like looking after them without you as a comfort blanket.

P.s.my 22 month old still breastfeeds at night, and I swore I wouldn't be like that lol. It brings her so much comfort. Thankfully I've only been bitten once, when she sneezed. Ouchhhhh

My ex kept getting told he was depressed, but when he went to see the Dr he suggested a divorce would solve the problem (from his previous wife)....It did.
You don't need someone that can't get their shit together to help you, or even want to spend time with you all as a family. Never mind all the craziness about washing baskets, food portions and not sharing 'his' food.
I'd be so tempted to buy his favourite foods, pop them in plain sight and tell him not to eat them as you've rationed them out for yourself.

Oh thank you for this suggestion. Yep I'll send the DC off to live with granny so I can paint my toenails in peace.

You bloody idiot. Do something better with your Saturday night.

Leaving aside the stuff with your DH which I don't feel qualified to comment on, you sound a lot like me as a mum. I thought I'd be a naturally brilliant mum and was quite shocked to find that while my mum friends were baking home made peanut cookies and giving lots of nutritious baby led weaning type foods I could barely gather the energy to open an Ella's pouch. I occasionally run out of clean pants too, my kids watch way too much TV and I found the toddler years incredibly difficult to manage.

A few things helped me. The main one was Jo Frosts Confident Toddler Care book. It's old fashioned and when it was given to me I was like no way, I'm going to read how to talk so little kids will listen and books by Sarah ockwell-smyth and be trendy and gentle and my kids will naturally be well behaved. Thing is some children just respond better to the stricter boundaries of the Jo Frost kind of techniques and my DS was one of them. Two days of the naughty step and her other techniques and our relationship was transformed. I was even able to take him into Tesco without him lying down and having a tantrum or running away. It's a lot easier to want to take them places and do things with them when they know how to behave themselves. I thought I'd been showing my DS to behave but it wasn't in a way that was appropriate for him.

Also, if I don't get out first thing my arse will become glued to the sofa and we will spend the day doing sod all. Which is fine every now and then but not all the time. So what I do is as soon as we get up, even before breakfast I stick the kids in the car and get us out to the park or for a walk. Sometimes I take breakfast with us, or we just buy some sausages or something and eat them outside. Places are quiet at 7.30am so the kids can have the run of the place, and then when we get home they have a good nap. And later in the day i don't feel so bad about letting them use screens because they have had exercise and fresh air. It energises me too so I'm more inclined to cook us all something sensible to eat.

Anyway I hope things improve for you too. You're in the thick of it but it does get less shit, they become better company when they get older and eventually start buggering off to school and play dates and things. You love them and protect them and that's the most important thing.

@Redcar87 , OP, I would love to provide whatever support I could offer - any advice or just patting shoulders and giving a hug. You sound like a lovely mum who is taking on too much (on your own).

Like some have said (I didn't read all the posts), your partner is part of the problem. Are you sure you aren't better off without him? Or it's just a sense of fear of change? He's not helping much in any sense, despite you constantly say "He's trying.". What you described is a pure selfish a**hole. Don't you think a marriage requires mutual respect? Does he really respect you for what you bring into the family, or just making up excuses to avoid honour you what you deserve? Relationship is a hard thing for most of the people. But I do think you deserve a better person.

You do sound like having ADHD (I have it). Try to get diagnosed and see if medication can help. If you really have it and it hinders your life, it needs to get sorted. Since it takes time to wait for diagnosis/treatment, better start earlier than later.

And it might help your DSs too. Since it's a genetic thing, if you do have it, there's a good chance the children could inherit it too. (My DS1 is very likely having it.) If they do need support, they stand better chance to get the right one earlier on. But start from finding out if you have it first.

About parenting, I wish I could provide some advice. But each family has their particular circumstance. What works in mine may not work with yours. But one golden principle I believe applies to all is that parenting is about building a long term habit. That means, if you let them watch lots of tv, they get used to it then they would resist doing anything slower paced than tv entertainment. Things like craft or going out for a walk would appears boring and lack of immediate rewards, IYSWIM. Thinking in that way, a lot of things are easy to give in at that one moment. You think it doesn't matter just go easy from time to time. But the trap is that children learn and they persist. So before you realise, they would have lots of habits built up from those moments of giving in.

You don't like them being sad/upset. But the outside world is less compassionate. They would be easier to feel happiness if you teach them to adapt to the big world outside, which means life can't be pivoted around them. That's why it's important to teach them what's right and what's wrong at the earlier age.

But I completely understand your tiredness and frustration and all. It's easier for me to preach parenting theory when I don't have the difficulties of your life.

One of my friends is taking parenting classes provided by the council. I'm not sure if all councils have it and how it's provided and who's qualified or if it's suitable for you or not. But I think you might need some specific advice tailored to your situation. Two under 3s is hard, especially when you work full-time.

Bless you, OP. I feel for you deeply and wish you find a solution to making things better for your DSs and most importantly for yourself.

Pick your battles and be kind to yourself. You sound exhausted.

I've always found it easiest to go to the park or the playground. The playground equipment will entertain the kids and they'll tire themselves out and so hopefully will argue less at home and sleep better.

@redcar87

re Divorce - take it from someone who has just divorced a lazy twat of a husband, you are right to be cautious.

the courts will look at each persons ability to provide for themselves post divorce and as you earn more you might end up having to give him more so that he can support himself - esp if he does for 50/50 custody which many useless deadbeat dads do in order to punish and control mums financially and emotionally.

in my case deadbeat dad had got into loads of debt loads of times over the years and as I was the higher earner (and the primary carer for our 2 kids while he pranced about getting expensive haircuts and avoiding all work) there wa a time when it looked like he would end up w more of the marital assets as he had greater debt and therefore greater need (supposedly).

now, none of this is to say that you shouldn’t divorce him, you definitely fucking should BUT you might need to be very very intentional about a paper trail over the next little while to protect yourself. Go see a shit hot lawyer.

And yeah he won’t go easily but as long as you are sure you don’t love the useless cockloger any more you can just grey rock him till it’s over.

take my advice - don’t burn out the way I did. Many bad things happened to me when I let myself be taken for a ride for too long.

also. - Don’t go part time - you love your job and you will need it if you divorce him. Focus on the stuff you need first and foremost, you can’t be as present for the little ones when you’re drowning. On his day to look after the kids leave the fucking house and make him manage.

you have my very best wishes,

Oh yeah - and insist on time alone at the weekend too. Pull your weight you are supporting his lifestyle. He needs to facilitate you just as working men have insisted on since forever! And if it means having the argument - bloody well have it!!!! (Just not during your working day).

sorry I’ll get off my high horse - but I just get so mad with these awful men who are so useless and who force their wives into subjugation and get away with it!!! This does not have to be your life.

Please, please get rid of this disgusting man OP.

You can build your savings back up, he’ll have to pay some child maintenance and do you honestly think he’d go for 50/50 custody when he can’t even be arsed with them now? I mean he might go for it, but after a few. months wouldn’t want to know I guarantee you. You could move maybe 30 mins further out than you are now for cheaper housing maybe? No money is worth this. You are.being abused, it really is that simple.

PLEASE go and see a solicitor to see what you would be entitled to. Book the appointment for your Friday at work, go on your lunch or something.

But do you confidently take out 2DC who are 1 and 3 (nearly) by yourself?

Honestly op, yes I did confidently take out a 1 and 2 year old alone. I'm a sahm so Monday to Friday I was always alone with them. It's something you have to suck up and get on with. The more you do it the easier it becomes. No reason you can't take a pushchair for your one year old so if your older one gets stuck or needs help you can quickly shove the younger one in the pushchair to keep them safe for 2 mins. If you don't have a pushchair then stick them in a kiddie swing while you help the older one. They're your kids, you really need to be able to care for them both by yourself without being stuck in the house