AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

but my own personal routines have always been chaotic, finding clothes off the floor, losing things, never clean underwear. So I find it really hard to stick to routines with the kids.

op, once your children hits school age… this is going to cause carnage if you don’t start to make changes now

Good luck getting Pip awarded for mental health - I tried for my adhd and got nothing but a very patronising letter basically saying they didn’t believe me because I could speak on the phone and don’t currently take meds. The assessment was humiliating and I’m not sure I’d recommend anyone with MH issues put themselves through it. It shouldn’t be this way but it is

Sounds like you are busy and exhausted. Does your younger child still nap? If they do use that time to give your older child some proper quality time - a game, story or activity that is just for you and him. A burst of quality attention means they are less likely to play up to get attention later. As a PP said, giving attention when they are behaving well and withdrawing it when they become difficult teaches them that they get your focus for nice behaviour. It may take a few weeks to break the current patterns so you'll need to be patient. The older child may tolerate the toddler better if he knows he'll get his special time with you.

It is hard, boring and lonely when you have little ones and not much support elsewhere. If you need support speak to your nursery, they may know where you could get a bit of help or advice locally.

You are a great mum, OP, so don't be hard yourself.
Raising children (especially 2 under 3s) is a damn tough job-one of the hardest jobs and I really admire you, especially with working full time too.
They sound like thriving toddlers, from what you have said, and their behaviours are pretty typical.
Birdseed, tell little one to go wild.
A little bit of chocolate, not a big deal.

Short term pain for long term gain. Endure the hard work of sorting their behaviour out now and then it’ll be easier as they grow older. Kids actually like boundaries to make them feel secure.

Let them get used to running the house and doing as they want and life not only will never get any easier, it’ll actually get way harder. And they could grow into unpopular, unhappy kids!

Do yourself, and them, a favour and read some parenting books, Google , or take a parenting class, and nip this behaviour in the bud now. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Occasional days like this are fine but regularly capitulating to their demands, not setting boundaries, not spending quality time with them will backfire. You need to put the legwork in now or you’ll just have more problems in the future.

Do you have a soft play nearby? At thpse ages (similar age difference with mine) softplay was my saviour. The smaller one would go in the baby area the older one in the toddler bit and I would drink coffee.

But it sounds like you don't have a routine for activities so you are at sea. You dont have to fill your weekend with activities, but it would be fair enough to say Saturdays will be - dvds and time in the garden - Sundays - soft play. Just doing one thing as a habit wilkl make things easier.

Our non-negotiable thing every weekend is swimming on sundays. Our local pool has just a family session where parents get in and splash around. At those ages though your DH may have to just step up and come along though. I get MH issues but you are taking on far too much and he has to do something to contribute, surely.

Young children need attention, positive reinforcement, plenty of good food, exercise, sleep and routine.

You are finding it hard, which it is - no one ever said children are easy. But getting into a routine will make life easier.

Breakfast - something quick and easy such as boiled egg with soldiers, scrambled egg on toast, weetabix, (not sugary cereal).

Then a tidy round, giving your 2 year old 'jobs' to help you. Give him a small plastic brush and dustpan and get him to 'sweep.' Or help by folding clothes from the dryer, or passing you the pegs if you put washing outside.

There are lots of ways to involve him in daily tasks, and give lots of praise, telling him what a great help he is.

Then out for a morning walk - park, soft play or just playing in the garden.

Lunch, then an afternoon activity. Let the 2 year old help fetching things for the baby.
I'm sure you get the idea.

Good luck with it all, it does get easier, but try
to stick to some routine.

I know what you mean, it's draining and hard work. But you're making things worse for yourself long term. What ever you allow to slide will stick e.g. chocolate for breakfast and non stop fighting will escalate. You have to talk to them. When they're naughty take away their favourite things e.g. turn off the TV for 10 minutes.

But in all honesty
how could you expect to receive any any benefit

There has to be a way of measuring someone’s need. And if you have not been prescribed medication or you have made the decision not to take medication - then that is a fairly strong indicator that e benefit may not be appropriate to you

2 fun activities interacting with them per day was how I got through that age. One in morning, one in afternoon. Preannouncing afternoon activity can help prevent morning activity from going tits up. Can be as little as 10 mins of sandpit/painting/kicking ball around in bright and cheery infant school teacher mode, lots of hugs and smiles then redirect to something they can do safely with minimum input from you.

Why can't your partner help out more? Is he getting help for his MH? Working part time he has more free time!

Do you have a garden, OP?
I used to have one those sand and water play tables...my DC would play for ages on it in good weather. As PP said, softplay. Great weather for paddling pool.
Added to which, your H needs to step up massively.

Oh love, you don't sound lazy, you sound overwhelmed. You've got a hell of a lot on your plate, especially if your DH doesn't help much. Working full time, doing all the domestic stuff, and all the childcare is a lot. And your children are both going through the stage where they want their mum.

Is your DH not able to take the little one out somewhere in the buggy so you can have quality time with DS1? Whatever his MH, it would be good for him to go for a walk in the park with the buggy. Then you could swap at other times. Do you have any family support so you could have a little break occasionally?

Even the odd day off would help a bit so you get some time to regather your strength. It's okay to ask for support.

I took mine out a lot at this age because they weren't that interested in craft things or playing on their own, even if I set stuff up. Swing parks with cafes attached were my friends!

I was going to say exactly this.

I posted here how hard I was finding it with toddler DS about a decade ago. I got absolutely roasted as people said I wasn't describing anything difficult and I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

But, many years later I now know that DS is autistic and I have ADHD. He genuinely was more difficult than other toddlers as a lot of things that worked with other DC just didn't work with him.

And I found getting my shit together really, really difficult.

I'm not suggesting your DC are on the spectrum - nothing you've said indicates that necessarily. But it is absolutely possible that their sibling dynamic or their individual personalities do make them harder to look after than some other DC at this age. (FWIW my DS was a dream as a baby and just had a glowing parents evening as a teenager. It was 2-4 that was the hard bit!).

I am suggesting, however, that you may have ADHD. You sound very much like me. It wasn't on my radar at all until I started looking into ADHD and ASD because I had concerns about DS. I'd advise looking up ADHD symptoms in adult women and seeing if it chimes. It really did, for me.

Diagnosis has really helped me with cutting myself some slack and putting in place strategies that work better for my brain. For some people, medication really helps also.

Many women get diagnosed after we have DC. Before then we're managing to muddle through by getting everything done just in time, just about! But then kids are a whole massive spanner in the works and it's then that things start breaking down.

As a one off yes
but read the op
she sounds very unmotivated and very unhappy
and the family environment sounds messy, disorganised and lacking in any kind of routine

I stopped taking my adhd meds because they trigger my migraines…whether someone takes meds or not for their adhd says nothing about the level of need. I have “severe” adhd as described by my psychiatrist. I currently don’t know where my bank card is and haven’t for the last 6 months, I’ve been using DHs. This is the fourth time in 18 months I’ve lost my bank cards and had to eventually order new ones. That’s just one example of how it affects me - but you know, someone over the phone who’s never met me and isn’t a psychiatrist can decide medication is an indicator of need when there’s so many reasons why meds my mother be suitable.

But did you not provide them with the psychiatrists diagnosis report?

My mum was like this with me, and now I’m naturally like it as a result, and I was absolutely determined that I wouldn’t make
my own children like this, and you need to do the same OP! Tackling toddler tantrums just needs to be done, it’s important and will serve you well forever, you are the boss. But picking your battles is fine, occasional chocolate for breakfast never hurt anyone and the bird seed is your loss not theirs, they don’t understand the cost anyway.

Mine are early primary age now and I’m absolutely militant during the week, they are as clean and together as the rest of their friends and behave really well (thank god). And if I need a break on the weekend I pick a day to do nothing and anything goes (within reason obviously), our favourite lazy day thing us bringing all duvets and pillows downstairs to the living room floor and I relax on the couch or whatever and they watch tv or have screen time, play make believe games like the blankets are a boat, build dens etc. Requires no effort on my part but their imaginations keep them busy for hours (with the occasional threat of no arguing or the blankets go away).

When they were younger I’d set up a few things the night before, like all toy cars in a like across the living room floor, or teddy’s having a fake picnic and it’d entertain them for the first half an hour when we got downstairs while I sorted myself out.

You aren’t a bad mum at all, and they are so little and hard work at that age. You just need to set your boundaries now and learn some little hacks to keep you going.

I was diagnosed after DS1 started showing adhd signs, as you say it’s very common. I also found the under 2 age really hard - but it got easier free the youngest was 2 so it does improve!

And gp record that would couldn’t take med because of debilitating side effect

OP sounds like you are doing your best.
The kids will be fine, so crack on; however you must start a regime of self care. Even if it is only 5 minutes a day to start with. Do it everyday whatever it is, religiously. You can't pour from an empty cup. Good luck.

I didn't work when my kids were small so i was home with them all the time and in all honestly they drove me mad. Looking at the positive side working full time does mean you don't have them 24/7 so you do at least get a break which I didn't.

I found being in the house really hard work so we were always out - in the week at baby groups and weekends usually at the park or a favourite at the weekend was summer fayres or fetes during the summer. This gave me the opportunities so see other adults and the kids and me a change of scenery. Some times we would spend 3 hours at my local park and see other families we knew. I also had a strict routine on timings for meals and took snacks out with me cheerios, raisins and bananas. I never let them have chocolate or ice creams until the afternoon. My DD is now 15 and wouldn't have an ice cream with her friend yesterday because it was the morning!!!!!

Talking of screens my kids never watch TV but they do like their phones- you need them to watch TV sometimes for your sanity - I made a big mistake here because we were always out I didn't need to use screens and by the time I introduced them when my eldest was about 4 they were not interested and still now at 15 and 14 they don't watch TV, they have never watched a DVD or a film. It was my biggest issue when they were primary age because they wouldn't sit and watch anything just wanted me to constantly entertain them. My DD can't go on sleepovers becasue she will not watch a film she needs to be doing something.

I am going to be a bit contradictory to my paragraph about always going out now because however lovely it was - I think I never gave my kids enough time to amuse themselves in our own home environment. So my advice to people with little ones now is introduce cbeebies early when they are a baby so they are used to the TV screen (alot of people can't believe I say this) take them out and enjoy the open spaces and being out and about exploring but also stay home and let them explore their own environment.

Mine are now 15 and 14 and enjoy being home - they still don't use screens much and have still never watched a film or TV program but when they were mid primary age I found it very hard to keep them busy because I had not them be bored if you see what I mean.

Just a little postscript though- however hard it is now the teenage years are 100 times harder so enjoy the time when they are little because it is easy in comparison!!!

You have a DH problem. If he works part-time, he should be stepping up to do most of the housework and organising activities for the children.

If it is his mental health rather than just laziness which stops him from doing this (and please remember that many parents with mental health difficulties do manage to parent their children very well), what is he doing to seek help so he can be a good father and supportive husband?

My immediate advice would be to stick both of them in a cardboard box each with some crayons/markers and then go back to watching TV. But what you really need is a husband who is actually a partner in your life, not a passenger.

OK, so if they fight, this could actually be a good thing. If DS2 loves it, can DS1 do something else at the same time that he likes and get a bit of time free from his brother?

Say he has a ride on toy he likes or a sand table or something? DS2 can splash about in the pirate ship under your supervision and DS1 can enjoy his thing.

Could that work?