To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

perfectly reasonable to tell them no. If they are real friends they will understand and just ask if it’s an emergency. You could either tell them you can only do emergencies or just start saying no each time. I never had anyone to call upon and managed with 3 children working full time. It’s not easy but sometimes you have to tell work you can’t come in. Good luck, if they get funny with you then they aren’t true friends

Next time they call say sorry but you're out at the moment so can't

You are bring very kind by being back up however they are taking the piss and not your friends, they are CF's.
If you don't feel you can tell them directly then
next time they call have an excuse ready.
Do not apologise-you have nothing to apologise for. Just say you have an appointment or previous engagement or no that doesn't work for me.

I am guessing you want to maintain the friendships? If so, I don't think you say that you can't be the back up option to them, I think you simply start saying no to specific requests. You have been saying yes so far. So from thier view you are happy. If it were me and you turned round and made me feel like I had pushed too far, I would be quite hurt. Being unavailable it fine.

I know the urge to offer to help. I used to be unable to notnoffer my time If I knew it would help someone. Now I bite my tongue and answer 'I'm not available today' when directly asked.

“Oh, I can’t, we’ve got something on today”.

That’s all that’s needed.

You don’t need to have some big conversation (which will actually just entrench expectations). Just be less available.

I’d do it on a case by case basis . Sometimes yes, but no if you don’t feel like it . And take them up on their offer of a break for you at the weekend when your baby is a little older

I see your points, I was thinking of having the conversation to avoid having to come up with excuses each time. I was thinking a direct conversation about it rather than making excuses/ waiting for the next call to make another excuse/ wait for the penny to drop etc. they are close friends and I do want to maintain the friendships. I get why they call on me, it must be easy for them to look on me at home all the time while they’re at work and think I have a lot of time on my hands. Doesn’t mean I want to use it looking after their kids though 😂

I was really wondering if I was BU to say no being the unofficial ‘backup’ here I guess.

I dont know. Obviously, if it is very frequent then say no but I helped my friends out a lot when I was a sahm and friends have also helped me when I've needed it. I like being part of a community where we help each other out and people help in different ways at different times.

I'm not sure they'll take notice of a direct conversation. Depends how subtle you are I guess. I feel that they're more likely to take the hint if you break the trend ie. Saying 'oh sorry I can't we are out' and having a back up ready if they say 'oh why not what are you doing?' Of 'why does it matter what I'm doing, I'm unavailable' etc.

Don't think you are at all unreasonable. I have a friend who works two days a week (I work four and we have one off in common) and I wouldn't dream of asking her. The only time I can think of would be if I really needed to go to the GP alone or something because it's 5 mins from her house and I reckon it would be half an hour.

YANBU. You are a SAHM. You take a financial hit for the good of your family, not to be a regular backup childcare. If you want to help occasionally that's up to you, but you should not feel obliged.

I've had this done to me and if it's not too inconvenient then I try to help out. I'm very aware that I don't have any family nearby and if, as happened recently, I need to take one DC to the hospital, then I can call in some favours.

Unless the children in question are mis-behaved or you had plans you'd cancel or they start asking every week then I'd try to help out. You might be in the same position in a couple of years, you might not. Your DS won't bf for ever and then you'll be able to take your friend up on the offer of a weekend out.

What are their reasons for calling on you for back up childcare so often?

I think all you can do is to have an excuse ready each and every time. GP apt, dentist, DS not well, you have plans etc etc The more you’re not always available the less likely they will think you’re a reliable back up.

It's much easier to ask a compliant friend, than your DH to take time off work.

It will only get worse OP.

You take a financial hit by being a SAHM. Not to be someone else's free childcare.

Just keep saying no.

I don’t understand why you feel any guilt or obligation here. Yes you’re a sahm and have time that they don’t, but do your friends feel any obligation to share their earnings or career advancements with you?

Just say no! Do it with a smile. Nip this in the bud before it messes up the friendships…

Unless the children in question are mis-behaved or you had plans you'd cancel or they start asking every week then I'd try to help out.

This is the thing - it is becoming every week pretty much which is why I’m considering saying something. If it was for a doctor visit, or because of illness etc then I would help out no problem. But it’s not - one of the reasons last week was my friend didn’t have anyone to pick up her son from school, then she had the same problem a few days later so she called me again. Both times I had him for the whole afternoon. Instances like this I think she maybe needs to find a better long term solution because I’m worried she’s relying on me rather than sorting out proper childcare.

@Vikinga this is something that has stopped me saying anything so far. These are women/ friends who are in my ‘village’ so I do want to help them out, and I don’t want to help with the expectation of getting something back. But it’s just becoming frequent enough now that I’m starting to feel resentful about it which is why I’m considering what to do.

I agree op, a genuine emergency then fine, but not a back up. Have a chat with them, even if you leave it until next time they ask, a quick 'happy to do it this time, but going forwards only in a genuine emergency' you can explain that it's not just them, but more and more people are asking so from now onwards it's emergencies only

As a pp said, it's easier to ask you than for a dh to take time off work. That's not fair in you

YANBU. Just because you are at home doesn’t mean you become the default first choice. Both me and my DH work FT and 99% of the time we sort this kind of thing between us without getting others involved. On the very odd occasion (like one of the kids excluded for 48 hrs with a sickness bug) we may ask a grandparent to do the last day when they are feeling better for example.

I also wouldn’t say anything, I’d just start start saying sorry you can’t today for the next couple of times they ask and hopefully they’ll realise you aren’t just sat round twiddling your thumbs waiting for them to call.

Take them up on childcare at the weekend- like for like - they will think twice about asking you again!

I think you have to just start saying no. Once you've done it a few times it will get easier and they will either find another mug or sort proper childcare. Don't apologize when you no. Just say, "I'm not available today" or "I can't help/babysit/childmind/be a taxi today".

I had a friend like this when my daughter was younger. I worked 2 days a week, term time only and the girls were close friends. She would regularly ask for childcare, whole days at times and days in a row in the holidays. Long hours too and she was often late. The child was no trouble really but as time went on, I began to resent it. She rarely returned the favour, saying she was too busy/tired from work and if she did offer to have dd for the day there was always some proviso, like sending her with spending money or a packed lunch or beong called to pick up early.

What happens when you ask them for favours by the way?

I totally sympathise OP. I used to work in the evenings when my kids were preschoolers to avoid needing paying for childcare. I used to get family asking for things because I was 'home all day'. All of the neighbours used to ask me to take parcels in etc. I always used to take my kids out everyday and obviously I didn't have evenings to do stuff so I was always busy. I hate the assumption people make if you're not working in the day, you're just sitting on the sofa all day!

Something to think about is that your eldest DC will soon be going to school. If you're going to be collecting your DC from school, there will be an expectation that you 'might as well' pick up other people's kids too. Then you will become the default unpaid childminder. Nip this in the bud now. Either don't answer your phone, tell them you can't and you're busy or just say no. Alternatively, start calling in those favours or ask to be paid to do it.

Hi op. That's different then. I would be busy the next few times just so that they only use you when absolutely necessary.

I had a few friends who really used me for childcare, with one friend I spent years taking her child to and from school, after school for a few hours, on outings because she worked. But a few years later, it was the other way round. My child had a lot of sleepovers at her house and even took her on holiday a few times. She was also always there on the few occasions when I was incapacitated (my ex used to work away a lot so if I was really ill then she looked after me and the kids).

I wouldn’t have an upfront conversation. Just say no next time they ask. Don’t make excuses and tie yourself in knots. A simple no I can’t. And don’t apologise either. It’s nice you have helped out in the past but not your problem.

These people are taking advantage of you! And sounds like it’s not an emergency but just failing to plan childcare themselves. Just say you can’t next time they ask, otherwise this will keep happening. I work most days. No way I’d be asking my SAHM friends for this type of help, unless it was a true emergency/no other options. Even then id be bending over backwards with gratitude and returning the favour proactively. These people sound like CFs. Are you sure they’re genuine friends?

I agree it's a slippery slope. Their idea of an emergency won't match with yours either.
Just make an excuse that you're out abs can't, or if it's the same place as your own child then say you're going somewhere after nursery so can't help - they'll get the message