To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just say “aw Im afraid we have plans today but I hope you manage to get sorted”. I do not apologise or say what my plans are or give any reasons. If i feel like helping out or it suits me or its an emergency then i will but only for a small group of very close friends who I know will return the favour. You stay at home to be there for your family and for them to be your priority not to be guilted into being free childcare.

You’re too nice. If I had a friend like this I’d have to help her back or give her something towards the childcare.

Just say no. I've done it myself when my friend's OH thought i was back up mum rather than help out himself. In a genuine emergency i will offer to have the kids but other than that , no. I had nobody to rely on when my son was younger and i managed so my 2 parent family friends can share the load.

YANBU. Could you ignore the call/messages? I'm a bit of a mug who finds it hard to say no so I'd be feeling a bit like you and would rather avoid saying no...I'd just ignore the call and text back later "oops sorry, had a busy day, just noticed the missed call!"

That's so galling.

One reason i no longer fall for those sob stories.

"You know, I receive so many of these requests I've decided to turn it into a business. 20 an hour with an upfront deposit of 100. Would you like my bank details?"

@Lolabear38 im in a similar situation, just recently became a SAHM and my SIL has exhausted all her other babysitting options and is hinting for me to take our niece 3 days a week during summer, niece is VERY high maintenance for a 4 year old so I’ve made up a lot of imaginary weekly plans for me and my baby 😂 and I do NOT feel guilty at all!

They are taking liberties and saving themselves a fortune on childcare into the bargain. I assume you also provide refreshments for their children when you look after them.

I'd be 'unavailable' now and again or say you can have the children but only for a specified time as you've other plans later on, until they get the hint OR -

You could be really sneaky and say you're considering registering as a childminder to generate some additional income, and ask if they would use you 😉

Hell to the NO to being an unofficial childminder for one-way streets who don't have your best interests in mind and are leeching off your good nature!

As someone who was a sahm for years and now has kids at secondary, please be aware that, in many cases, the mum friends you make at primary school gate are situational. Yes there will be the odd friend who becomes a genuine lifelong friend, but as playground allegiances change, it’s surprising how your child falling out with another can lead to a massive distancing from the parents.

The friendships when your kids are small feel like genuine, often quite intense friendships, but as the years go on and kids go off to different schools and friends, they fade or sometimes are abruptly severed.

I thought it was just me but having chatted to quite a few people now, it’s rare to keep those adult friendships going as everyone moves on to different stages in life.

So enjoy the time with your kids, put your own boundaries in place and say no without guilt. These people are unlikely to be in your life long term. If they are, and it’s a genuine friendship, they won’t mind you saying no. But from the lack of reciprocity or acknowledgment that it’s a big ask, I suspect they’re transactional friends - they see you as a convenient help. When you say no several times they’ll get the message and move onto someone else.

YY to what @Pheasantplucker2 said. I am only genuine friends with one of the numerous women I used to speak to every day at Primary school, now that my dd is in secondary. And she has a completely different friend group to the kids she was close to when little.

You will damage the friendship if you’re seen to refuse to help. So I’d go with “we’re just off swimming, sorry I won’t be able to do pick up”.

3 days a week?!

Has she ever thought of investigating..oh, what’s it called…-paid childcare?!

3 days a week isn't babysitting. That's childcare.
The hinting would drive me bonkers.
Don't even suggest you can help in an emergency, this is a CF in the making.

I think it’s best to have an open discussion and to give your friends the opportunity to find appropriate childcare rather than wait until a situation arises where they need picking up and saying that you are unavailable.
You could also offer it as a paid emergency services or by letting them look after your DC. You don’t need to go out. I find it very helpful to have a few hours to do uninterrupted paperwork or cleaning and tidying.

Very sensible advice.

Let me guess @namnamnam22 - your SIL
works three days a week? So basically she
expects you to work for her for free while she goes and gets paid to do something else? Think of it like that and you’ll see just how egregious that is. That’s not an emergency, that’s deliberate piss taking. How is that any different from you saying to her “Money will be tight over the summer as I’m not working now - please will you give me £100 a week?”.

@WimpoleHat absolutely!!!! The funny thing is, I’ve just been made redundant and currently can’t find another job because my baby hasn’t gotten a nursery place yet hence being a SAHM for a while! Whereas old job was very flexible with hours, unfortunate they were just sending all the jobs offshore

@Lolabear38 - let us know how you get on when you get your next request to look after someone's kids and you remember the advice on this thread and say no to them. Hopefully all they will say is "Ok then".

I came to say exactly this. I had similar when my kids were young (I worked evenings rather than SAHM but it’s the same principle)

I hit my limit when a neighbour’s kid was sent home unwell, I was the backup because she couldn’t be contacted by school. I then saw her photos and post on FB about her lovely day out with her boyfriend with their phones switched off. I actually contacted the school to make sure I was removed as her kids’ emergency contact

Gosh this is a tricky one. I don't see a problem with helping out, if they are grateful and return the favour, like maybe babysit one night or at the weekend. Once you are not BF, you coukd take up the offers. I have had friends take advantage of my good nature in similar situations and a very good friend that wanted to pay me, but I refused, as our kids were friends, we were friends, and my child had a playmate for the afternoon every week. But at the end of each term she would give me a white stuff voucher, which meant I felt appreciated for helping out. But if it is all one sided, maybe you need to say something. Good luck

There was a mother I'd known since our DSs were at nursery together. She often asked if I'd take him at lunchtime after nursery and drop him off to his childminder. I have four DC and actually had other commitments at that time so said no. One of the nursery staff warned me that she'd gradually worked her way through all the parents and never repaid favours.
Her DS was also at our primary school and I once made the mistake of agreeing to take him after school but told her I had to go out at 5.30 for Brownies and wouldn't have room for all the children in the car - she turned up at 7.00. Never again!
I later heard that she had found an au pair and expected her to work from 7am to 7pm or later every weekday, so no chance of going on an English course. She also babysat at least one day at the weekend.
In general I was happy to help out friends in an emergency, but knew that they'd do the same for me.

People will take advantage of your situation if you let them. They just think oh you’re all right you’ve got plenty of time etc, having no idea of the reality of being a sahm! Your feelings on this are absolutely valid and you have chosen that your kids are your full time job. So just say sorry but you’re too busy.

Just to reiterate that even if you do have plenty of free time and are watching homes under the hammer all day, you are still under no obligation to give that up in order to mind someone else's kids!

This way resentment lies!

Your compulsion to be 'nice' combined with feelings of guilt about not having to work make you a vulnerable target for users and takers. You are not responsible for other people's childcare, that's down to them to sort out.

You need to develop good boundaries with this one. Only help if you want to ( think deeply about that one) or because it's an emergency.

More importantly those you do help, push back for reciprocation. ie I will collect for you but can you have mine whilst I get my haircut, go shopping, whatever next week. That will separate the wheat from the chaff. CFs will fob you off. Put them on the 'No' list.

People don't respect an open door. Make them knock!