To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would work out a babysitting rate. You'll see pretty quickly when they really need help.

I wouldn't have "the chat", I'd just start saying no sometimes. You don't need to to come up with an excuse, you just say "no sorry we have plans for that day".

Your friends are taking the piss and you’re going to need to be careful especially when your eldest starts school, with the “as you’re there anyway…”
just start saying no, or not answering texts/phone during the day. And if it continues then have the grown up conversation-I’m happy to help in a real emergency but it’s starting to feel like I’m your backup childcare and I can’t provide that.

Yanbu. When I was in the same situation, I offered to be backup for one close friend who was at breaking point with stress and I honestly didn't mind, and a second friend who had no other backup and commuted by train, so any issues were normally out of her control. Beyond that I said no.

There is only so much help you can offer. Decide what will work for you.

YWNBU at all to say no. Or you could turn it into a golden opportunity. £30 per day includes lunch & snack.

This is something close to my heart.We lived abroad for a couple of years and upon returning my kids were behind language wise.They needed considerable help in German which was not being provided by the school so I stayed at home to do extra work with my kids in the afternoons in order that they would catch up.This was know in the neighbourhood and I was the refuge for many kids whose mothers couldn't make it home on time couldn't pick them up etc.I fed their kids lunch and did their homework with them.This went on over a number of years and I did it gladly to help out . These mums will pass me by in the street / supermarket now that our kids have grown up.They pretend they don't know me .I have not changed much in appearance by the way .I just cannot believe how absolutely used I was .

YANBU, I hope they pay you for your time OP.

You have been saying yes so far. So from thier view you are happy. If it were me and you turned round and made me feel like I had pushed too far, I would be quite hurt. Being unavailable it fine.

Mmmmm. I don't really agree or like this way of thinking, that bc the op was being kind and accommodating by looking after someone else's DC initially, that she is to blame for CFS who take advantage! Tough if they feel hurt! Sorry, but people need to realise that even by asking - and forcing the op to refuse - they are putting her in an awkward position. No one likes having to say no do they? I agree that she needs to say she is unavailable but if these are your friends and neighbours in the same village then it's not that easy.

You don't need to make specific excuses, you can just say you've got plans/things to do without going into any details. I suspect all you need to do is establish in their heads that they can't assume you will always be available and that they need more reliable child care options sorted out.

Just say no when it doesn't suit you.
Have a few reasons/excuses ready, but simply 'no, sorry I can't help you out' should be enough.
You can be busy, unavailable, doing something else (that other kids are not included in) having a quiet day, tired, going out, unwell...etc.
Long term you may find some reciprocal arrangements may be useful so bear that in mind.

I also wouldn't have the chat with them. To say only real emergencies....what is an emergency to them might not be to you. It might not be that they need to go to the doctor or hospital but just that they have not arranged for someone to pick their child up. Just say no a few times when they call.

"Hi friends, can I just ask that you all remember that I don't mind stepping up to help out with childcare in EMERGENCIES, but as it's becoming a frequent request of me, I'm realising that perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I'm not happy to be random back up childcare, nor emergency back up if it's a regular thing.
So can you please all organise your back up childcare without me, as this situation isn't really working for me, thanks"

YADNBU, they are CFs

Try asking them to babysit in the evenings occasionally. If they refuse, then you have your answer.

This

I was SAHM when DS was in primary up to year 1 & then went back part time. One particular Mum (who btw had lots of family locally - I didn't know this) asked me a couple of times similar things and then it became more frequent - could I just pick up herDD who was in same class as my DSas they had an Appt at Bank or had an Appt to watch younger DD in her nursery etc.

Often I ended up with older DD for several hours and gave tea etc - but then the straw broke when I found out that whilst I had collected her DD from school , looked after for 3+ hours (which was at time of request - it will only be for an hour whilst we go to meeting at younger daughters nursery) fed her DD her DH came to collect said child , thanked me and said how lovely it had been to have had a late lunch out with his wife in town whilst Grandparents had their younger daughter as they lived nearer the nursery and I of course had had their older daughter !

If Mum had been honest about why they wanted the time I may still have Said yes (?) but I felt so taken advantage of. However it sounds daft but I found the idea of saying a firm "no" to next request difficult so I ended up ignoring her call or text ( if she left a message I would listen to it -it was never an emergency , similarly if she texted (again never an emergency) I would reply saying sorry can't do today ... she moved on to another Mum in the class.

I wouldn’t do a big announcement to lots of people, I wouldn’t imagine it’ll come across right. I’d just start being a lot less available.

-how are they asking you-phone or text?
-when are they asking- can you do x on Thursday? tomorrow? In 10 minutes?
-what sort of reasons are they giving for needing your help? Has their child been taken ill? Have they not bothered to sort childcare?

My responses would depend on the answer here.

You need to say no AND ask them a favour every time they contact you, so something like:

"I can't care for Johnny this Thur, but whilst I've got you, I know we've built up a stack of weekend sitting that you owe us, so I was thinking that of putting some dates in the diary for that - how does X of June, Y of July and Z of Aug suit you?

I know they're some time away but DS will be on the bottle by then and if we don't get them booked in with you we may forget to use up our share of the childminding, we've built up a fair bit now!
Thanks"

This way, you can get some nice things booked in your calendar, they start to learn that everything you do for them will need to be reciprocated and the good ones will be fine with that, the users will make their excuses and move on.

Exactly this. On the days you don’t want to do it just say you have plans and can’t. No big conversation needed

I wouldn’t do a big announcement to lots of people, I wouldn’t imagine it’ll come across right. I’d just start being a lot less available.

But they are CFers, so why worry what CFers think of you

Stop answering the phone to them or if you do just say “sorry, that doesn’t work for me today” or “no, I’m afraid I can’t”. No reason to give excuses or explain why. A good friend of mine was always being taken advantage of, one afternoon she ended up picking up three extra kids, having them for the afternoon and giving them tea. Turned out the dads who were supposed to be collecting from school had decided to have a “boys lunch” in the local pub and wanted to keep drinking all afternoon. Their partners thought it was funny, my friend finally started saying no after that,

I actually think being honest with them is better. Reason being is I had something similar with one of my sil but with babysitting, she would always offer help, say she would love to help out with any day time care I needed if I had to go somewhere or just babysit in the evening , just ring anytime for any help needed.

She often gave out that I never asked but I was a sahm and a carer so on 2 occasions where I asked her to do 3 hours each evening, she gave a different excuse, the last one was that her dd was in hospital ill.

The party we went to had a pub attached and her dh was in there drinking, of course I asked how his dd was and was asking why he wasn't at the hospital but it was all news to him, turned out she was at home watching something on TV.

I wasn't annoyed but I was a bit miffed as to why she felt the need to lie. I never really asked her, but definitely would have appreciated the truth. I rather people be honest and maybe your friends don't realise that you don't want to do it. Saves on excuses by being honest.

Thats awful. Even if I needed to make an excuse I would never pretend one of my children is in hospital.

It's fine to say no, they are completely taking the piss.

We dont live near to family and have friends we could ask in an emergency, I'm sure we will ask some day but we havent had to yet, we manage by taking time off work and juggling other things around when we have to.

Of course there are going to be times when there are genuine emergencies like we are both stuck in traffic somewhere and that's why I've never asked - because I dont want to piss people off that I might need their help

Your friend that doesnt have anyone to pick her kid up from school - only way I'd feel like I'd do that is if she uses a childminder who let her down at the last minute (eg ill) as that situation is a bit out of her control (although most people would take emergency leave or something for that situation). Otherwise it sounds like she isnt organised and she needs to use after school club or a child minder who does pick up or something

Years and years ago someone on here said to me about sah that it's for your family's benefit and why should wohp derive economic benefit from your unpaid labour?
They aren't offering to share their wage with you and you are under no obligation to give up your time!

Too many people see sahm (not dad's) as public property who owe society their free time and they forget that sahm are exchanging money for that time. So say no without guilt!

Just say no, you can't. Then stop talking. You don't have to explain or give long reasons because they'll just dismiss them and wear you down. They'll get hurtful and reveal what they really think - you're at home and they simply don't think you are as important as they are and you should do their drudge work for free. They'll probably suggest you should be grateful for their 'friendship'. All of this is designed to lower your confidence.

They think you're a pushover - time to show them they're wrong.

Happens to me too . I have not gone back to work as yet as enjoying quality time with my youngest DC. In order for me to stay off work my DH works overtime. 2 of my DF see me as easy childcare. Started off with the odd emergency that I was more than happy to do and now it is a couple of times a week. They are stuck at work. They have a meeting. Etc. yesterday I was asked as my DF needed to go I to town for a wedding outfit. So I know what your saying and I too need to stop it as I am not getting the quality time with my DC. So hard though when you don’t want to fall out