To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also think theres a danger in spending too much time worrying about the feelings of people who give no thought to your feelings! These so called friends aren't fretting about whether they are offending you by constantly asking for favours and imposing on your free time.

There was a poster upthread who said something along the lines of reframing this in your head so that you don't feel out upon but part of a community. This is a big mistake and is why so many women end up being used and feeling resentful. People don't value the help in the long run - they end up just taking it for granted, while you take the financial hit of providing free childcare and losing your valuable free time.

Remember, it doesn't matter if you are sitting on your sofa eating bonbons all day, you don't owe anyone your time!

We've all been there and what happens is they ruin it for anyone else.
I had this ,used to collect 2 kids and drop them home.
It wouldn't be everyday but I'd get a phonecall and asked to do it.

One time I was really stuck and rang to ask.
Her phone rang and rang.
In the end I rang the school and they held on to my D's till I got there.

Another time same person was planning to go back to work and assumed I'd be collecting and put her straight.

Don't have the big chat as it makes it sound like they are employing you.
Just say no,no excuses.
As they'll just find solutions.

This. It’s quite simple: if you’re a SAHM, you give up money for time. If you work, you give up time for money. Both of these things are fine. But these mothers wouldn’t offer to pay for your lunch/day out/shopping because they’re working and you’re not - and you wouldn’t dream of asking them, except in a dire emergency, when you would expect to repay the favour at a future date. And I don’t see why you should feel any differently about it. Your time is not worth less than their time.

But they are CFers, so why worry what CFers think of you

She says she wants to maintain friendships. OP, I would speak to repeat offenders at the time, not tar them all with the same brush or imply they are all being CF when it may be one or two.

I think you have to just say no I can’t/I have other commitments a few times. Keep saying yes occasionally..but say no more than yes. Once they cotton on that you won’t do it every time they’ll back off using you as their default
I suspect there is a lot of defaulting so partner doesn’t need to take time off going on here. A lot of working mums know they’re the default child carer and expected to take time off work to do kids stuff. When mums can’t do that a lot of dads invent a bunch of reasons why their work is so important they can’t step in…if your friends know the easier option is to ask you that is just going to become a habit.
you need to make it more difficult for them. Also you have a right to know what it is for. Ask them why they’re asking you and not spouse etc? Also, anyone who asks in advance just say no..if they know in advance they can arrange other support …eg partner taking time off work, them taking time off work etc.
most working mums without family nearby have to deal with this. It is a pain, a struggle but there are always solutions that don’t mean you are dumping on people who want to be “kind” with that sort of frequency.

True to some extent, but in my case through luck, help from my parents to but a property when I was very young, dh in a high earning job, we were in a much better financial position than many of my friends who had not been so privileged. Whilst I was not working, we had a similar standard of living to them but they needed 2 incomes to get that. I personally felt grateful and wanted to help out. It's not always so black and white, and I don't know OPs circumstances and if they have to make a lot of sacrifices which her friends don't.

My advice is just what @Beelezebub has suggested. Just decline (or accept if you want to on the odd occasion) on a day by day method.

Don't give them a blanket No.

Just an "Oh, I can't do it today. Pity. Anyway, how are the girls?" type of conversation. Don't be swayed into saying yes. Stick to No. You'll get your time back for you and your family.

How does that saying go - failure to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part or something like that. They need to plan better and not rely on you.

This ^

Don't announce it in advance - that will cause friction and force you to explain.
Just be simply unavailable. Be distracted and a little flaky when asked. Fail to commit.
If it is a real emergency, they can explain that to you. By the way, real emergency in my book is eg trip to A&E or car broken down not ‘I want to work late’ or ‘nursery closes early today’.

You do need to say ‘no’ from time to time as just saying yes people will assume uou are fine with it. And the longer it goes on the more they will take it for granted - you need some boundaries. And for the one who you think is turning you into the regular pick-up - perhaps next time
say “this seems to be happening more regularly; what is meant to happen” (for example - if she’s been working remotely and now has to go into the office so cannot pick up, she needs a formal arrangement. Perhaps you would be willing to take that on at a cost etc.

You presumably have made career and financial sacrifices to be SAHM. They are benefiting from those losses without offering anything in return.

I'd just start declining case by case but if you feel the need to have a conversation, point out the lack of reciprocity.

It needn't be swapped childcare. Do they ever volunteer to pick up food shopping for you, or help you in any other way? I doubt it. You could point this out.

Exactly! Well said.

Just say 'no, I can't today', no need to make up a reason. Either they are being CFs, or more likely they are stuck for childcare for whatever reason and are trying all options before having to miss work.

I absolutely hate being a burden to others but with working shifts and no family assistance (often taken for granted on MN) very occasionally I have no option but to shout 'Help!' I always make it clear that I'll return the favour, and do. Maybe take them up on their offer to have your older DC at least, might help restore some balance

You choosing to be a sahm means you have more time available. Them working means they have more income. Expecting you to regularly give them some of your time for nothing is the equivalent of you expecting them to regularly give you money for nothing. In an emergency it's fine to ask but not as a regular thing.

I don't think there taking this piss they are only asking and you can say no you have plans
If there childcare has fallen through then they will ask anyone they know who may be free
When i was a sahm i often had friends call and ask , sometimes i said yes other times no.
When I went back to work I found myself in similar situations and said friends then helped me

Also once you have said no a few times they will naturally ask less
But if they work they must have other childcare surely which maybe fell through for some reason

No, of course you're not being unreasonable to say no if you don't want to do it. You're under no obligation at all.

In my experience, WOHMs tend to be quite eager to help other parents out whenever they can, because they see it as a reciprocal thing that will make it easier for them to ask for help if and when they need support. I know I did tons of favours for other parents when dd was little, and I was more than happy to do so...I saw it as credit in the bank of good will that I could call on in the future if I needed to.

However, I know from reading lots of threads on here over the years that a lot of SAHPs see things differently, and worry about people taking advantage of them. Maybe they don't anticipate that the WOHP will have opportunities to reciprocate in any way, or maybe they just don't envisage a situation in which they are likely to need support. Fair enough.

I think some WOHPs do take the piss and just assume that SAHMs can help out because they have nothing better to do, but equally, I think some will just fail to realise that there is a different dynamic going on and mistakenly assume that all parents are equally happy to help each other out. Personally, having read all the threads on here, I always found it much easier to only ask other WOHPs for help if I needed it, because there was always that unspoken understanding between us that we could lean on each other for support.

I'd ask the same people if they could take my kids at some point, eg a quick bite to eat with your partner as you need to discuss something important, take the under 1yo on Saturday so you can take the older shoe shopping etc. Their response would inform whether I help them out. You might find supportive friends who you can rely on too.

I’m surprised that they feel entitled to ask!
I was widowed with two kids and a job as a hospital doctor, and I wouldn’t have dreamed of pestering neighbouring housewives to provide free childminding for me, “emergency” or not. It’s absolutely not their responsibility to fix my problems.
If my nanny was ill, she sent either her mother or her art student boyfriend to cover her shift, as she knew I couldn’t cancel operating theatre lists. The student was great, he took the kids to collect leaves and feathers in the fields and made collages.

I'd just come up with excuses any time you're asked, I think a proper conversation would be a bit awkward, even though I know it shouldn't be. It should only take a couple of times for them to realise that you're not a reliable option for them.

As a sahm I would be happy to cover emergency childcare for a doctor, especially one who is involved in carrying out operations, even though I generally hold the view that I don't owe wohp my time just as they don't owe me their money.
But helping out a doctor in a genuine emergency is different and can't be compared to people who are wanting OP to be their general back up because they don't want to ask their husbands to take time off or because they want to go somewhere for leisure and just view OPs time as up for grabs!

If you're busy a few times they'll get the hint!

You don't need to think of an excuse. Next time they ask say, sorry I can't today I hope you get it sorted. You don't need to explain why. Otherwise they will just keep asking.

Don't answer your phone, make them send a text.
Then reply 'oh sorry I'm out, x has just been sick, I'm at my mums etc'

Have they ever offered to have your child, just because they like playing together or was it just pay back?

You don't have to justify your reasons.

'I can't help today' or 'it doesn't work for me' no 'sorrys' or 'I'm afraid I can't' just a 'no'