To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth , you should have said no to that as soon as the school said he was vomiting! A CM or nursery wouldn't take a child in those circumstances and a pregnant friend most definitely shouldn't. The school should have been informed that you hadn't actually been asked to be emergency contact! Some parents are such cheeky fuckers, it beggars belief!

Yes cheeky. Op had a bit of that myself oh sure you home anyway. I did emergencies but one or two I started saying Im not available. Stand firm.

Have learnt in life if you do a favour once, fine, but once you do it again, it becomes almost expecte and a regular routine. Saying no is difficult I know but a just a oh doesn't work for me this week, no need to make up an excuse. X

sod that I’d be creating loads of fake after school clubs/family commitments! Unless they want to pay you of course!

Being a SAHM costs the family money in lost earnings. It's not 'lucky' in that sense - sure, being able to afford to do it is, but there are very few families who can afford to do it and not feel any pinch at all. And there are also costs in terms of the amount of time and attention your own kids get from you, when caring for other people's. You are not a childminder. You are a SAHP.

You don't owe anyone your unpaid labour, other than your own children. Favours are great, when freely given. It's not a favour when taken for granted - then, it becomes an imposition.

I think it's fine to say it doesn't work for you next time one asks, and if they are rude enough to push you to justify it (why you don't want to provide them with something someone else would charge for!) to openly and calmly say that while you're happy to pick up slack in a genuine childcare emergency, you're not happy being default backup childcare, and you aren't going to be filling those gaps in future. It would also be reasonable to say that it's not one specific family, but several, doing it and as a result you are effectively working part time, unpaid, caring for other people's kids, and that while no one family is responsible for that it's still reasonable for you to draw a line.

Appreciate that saying things like that is painfully awkward, though, and I sympathise. You shouldn't be in this situation.

One of my good friends is a sahm.

In 15 years of knowing her I haven't ever asked her for childcare help.

That's good that you've got a plan OP

Yanbu to not want to be someone's increasing childcare option and to feel frustrated that it's not absolute emergencies she is asking for help on but starting to be weekly pick ups and keep her son all afternoon.

I loved my DCs having play dates with their friends and helping out in emergencies (I work part time) but had a " mum friend" who increasingly took advantage of me.

Where she would leave her Toddler DD with me for a couple hours due to an ' emergency' and then not return for most of the day even when I said you have to collect by X time as my DCs and have this booked that we can't take your DD to ( that was my breaking point where I said ' no , we have plans' repeatedly after then). But I also was getting fed up of it being uneven and starting to be 'emergencies' half a day weekly - out of my 2 days off midweek! I was clearly her childcare. Luckily it didn't cause too much upset she moved onto asking other people and her mum who lived local and she lived with her DCs dad anyway! She had everyone else she could ask but found me an easy option until I stopped being that option. I did help out couple more times in genuine emergencies when she had to take another child to hospital and another when her car broke down .

Just say "I'd love to help if I could, but I can't this time, sorry. Hope you find someone."

Say it often enough, and they will stop assuming they can rely on you so much.

I was a SAHM and also ended up spending quite a bit of time in the 'childcare' role. But the difference is that I was great friends with all the mums in DD's small class, and liked having the children. About half of us were SAHMs and the others worked pt or ft. I felt pretty fortunate not to have to work at all, so didn't remotely mind doing it. I was equally happy to ask favours of my friends. It was lovely for all of our children, too. But if you're not happy with it, OP, then your plan sounds like the right one.

In your situation I'd maybe help out occasionally in a genuinely urgent situation (eg sibling needs to be taken to A&E, car breakdown miles away on way to school pick up) but other than that no.
Chatting earlier with dh and he mentioned the expression "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" (not directed at me btw!). Think that fits for you.

I did this a lot when my kids were younger, like you thinking these people were part of my "village." Actually the reason I quit work was because when I had emergencies, I had no help at all, so I really understood how having a backup sitter even if it's just three times a year in emergency, can save your career. So at the beginning, I felt good about being a backup babysitter for other women.

Then I realized that, as a SAHM who babysat for other mums, when I needed help, even in an emergency, no one was ever available for me, because they were all working! Or, when not working, they were away visiting family, or camping, etcetera. They weren't doing anything wrong, but the so-called "village" only went one way. They had a village (me), but I didn't. When one of these people started introducing me as her "babysitter" (instead of as her friend) I stopped cold. The only person with whom babysitting "worked" for me was another SAHM who also had no family around. She babysat for me when I was giving birth to my youngest, and I did the same for her.

Since then, I have heard so many working mothers talk about SAHMs as if we are lazy and doing nothing at home. I feel that if working mums cannot reciprocate the free babysitting I'm doing for her, the least she can do is talk about me and my time with respect. I'm sure that the actual mums for whom I babysat never said anything directly negative about me personally, but any working mum who says negative things about SAHMs makes me feel very negative about babysitting for working mums. It ruins the sense of community and sharing and makes it obvious that they are just using SAHMs for whom they actually have zero respect or care.

Definitely don’t take them up on the weekend offer or they’ll decide that you then owe them forevermore. Similarly don’t ask for money.

Have your phone switched off. Be unreliable about checking it. Say “Unfortunately I can’t today! I hope you find someone!” Don’t say sorry and don’t give a reason.

Send the cheeky buggars a bill on an hourly rate and watch them change their tune.

I'm a sahm and I used to get a lot of this. I don't get it any more as I changed my attitude. I notice you feel bad about it because you have more time than them but we have all made a choice. We choose between getting paid or having days with our children. If you share your days, your time, by looking after their children when you want to be giving your attention to your own children are they sharing their salary? No. They are not. They are getting paid to work. They can use some of that money to pay someone to take care of their children. You can spend the time you have sacrificed a salary for to spend time with your own children. You may as well earn money being a childminder if you are frequently looking after other children. You presumably don't do that because you want to look after your own children without having to look after other children at the same time. You need to make this clear or you will end up looking after other people's children all the time.

I had a situation with someone calling me as they were always running late. I simply stopped answering my phone every other time. Saying “oh sorry I forgot my phone or I was napping with the baby”. The calls stopped soon after as they thought I was unreliable.

I looked after the children of another mother in one of my DD's classes 3 or 4 times a week for months after school from 3 until 6 as she really needed the help and couldn't afford the childcare. I couldn't do it one day and she hasn't spoken to me since. Cheeky fuckin bitch!

Absolutely this. Don’t waffle or make up huge fibs. Short and simple. After a while the phone will stop ringing.

We choose between getting paid or having days with our children. If you share your days, your time, by looking after their children when you want to be giving your attention to your own children are they sharing their salary? No. They are not. They are getting paid to work. They can use some of that money to pay someone to take care of their children. You can spend the time you have sacrificed a salary for to spend time with your own children. You may as well earn money being a childminder if you are frequently looking after other children. You presumably don't do that because you want to look after your own children without having to look after other children at the same time. You need to make this clear or you will end up looking after other people's children all the time.

Print this out and read it every day. Seriously 🤣

I'm so sorry but I have plans/I'm v busy.

I know a mum who did plenty of this until her kids were in year 1 so age @6. Do you know why she did it? Cos then she had all these favours to call in as she went anf got herself a job and basically had free pickups, playdates etc for her own kids as the other parents who had been using her cd hardly say no. Use it to yr advantage if you need otherwise no!

I had a few mum friends asking me if I could help them
out during school holidays and some school pickups. I said no every time and it’s we’re all still friends 20 years later.
I was a SAHM to benefit my own family.

I was a SAHM for a while due to redundancy, new baby, a sick teenager and aging parents who needed help. Moved to an area in Yr 3 and was at first happy to help people having difficulty as I knew what it was like.
However after a while, I was literally preyed on by a very determined nearby CF. It was always an "emergency", the implication was that I'd be guilty of leaving them in the lurch. At first, it was just taking to school, "It's on your way!" then he arrived earlier and earlier and it was literally getting in the way of dealing with my own DC.
I was ill in hospital and guess what, DH had to take a week off work as none of the CFs who had me on speed dial were willing or able to help.
I eventually said something in a polite and reasonable way but was blanked ever after. All the time of helping counted for nothing, as I was of no further use. Frankly, it was a massive relief for me and my DC. I still occasionally helped actual friends of my DC but no one outside that circle.
I think you need to withdraw but don't allow them to pound down your excuses, be ready to have The Talk too.. It can be done nicely. but you may lose some of the friendships - which just proves they weren't going to last anyway. Best of luck

Yes - this is sensible

You're not being unreasonable. You like spending your time with your child and that is your choice. As pp's have said, I would just have ready made excuses such as, can't today, we've got plans, or we've got family coming or we're out all day doing errands. They won't mind and anyone with kids should truly get just how much you've got on when you're at home. I'm sure they don't assume you're sat at home painting your nails all day or watching Homes Under the Hammer- they have probably started to rely on you without realising it.
Break the trend and only say yes when you genuinely want to do it and not feel obliged.

I’d definitely not have a conversation with them. Just have a ‘oh I can’t I’m due at the dentist , GP, hi giving blood etc visiting a family member, going to a funeral, doing my charity work, feel I’m coming down with something,
Then - You’ll never guess what I heard …gossip or nonsense talk.
just don’t do it!!