To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you want to keep the friendships then just make excuses - they will soon get the hint

I don't think you need to make an announcement. There are surely only one or two being CF. Or is it several who have had genuine emergencies and just built up? I guess it depends on the reasons and the frequency of repeat offenders. If you've done it once recently and it doesn't seem a very important reason, you'll have to say no, and explain that it's all adding up to quite a lot.

Or, you can embrace your blessing to be at home and pass it on to others. I was like this, and I did go through periods of resentment but not all the kids are in secondary and I can't help out anymore like I used to. I do actually miss it, and use my time to work instead - but I'd rather be able to help out than earn the pittance I do!

I feel for you, really do. They're taking advantage, not out of meanness just its lazy and cheap to call on you. It will affect your friendships even if they don't say so. You haven't spoken out and already you're feeling a little resentful, if you do say anything then they'll probably agree but still feel hurt that you wouldn't help.

It'll be even worse with the nice weather. If you want to take DD out or stop at the park with her on the way back from nursery do you take the others. Will it be extra ice creams or lollies. She'll want to play, can they play with her? If they're of a similar age she may enjoy having someone to play with but if they're not then will it limit her play time?

Tough, but your own children come first.

You're not really being used as emergency back up.
You're being used as second choice.

Over 3 dc and around 10 years of being sahm, I was emergency back up for several mums including school contact for some.
I was used at most a couple of times a term. There were times I knew there was an issue and offered, and times when they asked.
They also were always happy to take mine if I had an appointment or similar and would take my dc at other times.

I'm a single parent and I can count on one hand the number of times I used my friends for emergency childcare over the years. Literally only when my train was delayed through snow or some other major catastrophe.

They're taking the piss. Next time, just say 'Sorry, can't today. Hope you work something out.' and leave it at that. It's not your problem.

I have had this before. There are 2 things my DH says to me. Firstly, we didn't choose this lifestyle to aid other people's lives. Meaning, I stay at home, to make our lives easier, not everyone else's. It isn't our problem if other people haven't any childcare. And secondly, you can say no and you don't have to give a reason. The default answer should be no, you can always go back and say yes at a later time. I know that sounds harsh but when my DD was little I was railroaded into looking after a child every week. At one point I was heavily pregnant, knackered and was struggling and they saw fit to think it was OK to send the child with an illness. That was when hard no's began. The care stopped immediately, as they seemed to think it would've been OK to put a newborn at risk. X

Say yes to the weekend offer. At one he’s unlikely to ask for milk if he’s away from you and distracted playing. He can be offered milk or water in a cup if he’s thirsty.

It gives you a break and makes things a bit more equal. Either they’ll ask less because you do accept offers/ask for favours in return or you’ll feel less like the default option.

I wouldn't be having any conversation about it and why should you put yourself to that bother,just be unavailable.I think you are right to stop all that nonsense because other mums will getting hair nails etc done or going out for coffee and will use you for childcare, do not let this happen as they will see you as a slave.

^^this
Also working people often not always assume the sahm does nothing and should help out everyone else

I would also be less available, it might be enough and saves the awkward conversation. Also your definition of an emergency might be different to theirs so you might not achieve anything!

Sorry we are not at home
Sorry we have an appointment
Oh I'm so sorry I didn't see your message 5 hours ago hope you got something sorted
Sorry I can't today

I wouldn't make a blanket announcement if they're genuinely close friends, at least not yet. However I would,as others have said, turn down individual requests in the first instance and hope they get the picture. I would also watch and wait a bit. It might be that the last couple of weeks have been a genuine nightmare for the woman who ended up leaving them twice but she may have made new arrangements.

I wouldn't bother accepting the reciprocal offer at this point unless it works for you. You've presumably made sacrifices to become a SAHM and you don't want to get into a barter system where your friend feels it's an equal arrangement and she is comfortable calling on you as backup. If the requests go back to very occasional then you could consider accepting her offer but not right now.

I’ve worked full time since Ds was one, when I returned from mat leave. There have been some times of emergencies but probably one-two a year. Your friends won’t put anything in place until you become less available.
Id look at the scenarios of each friend. I’d be more inclined to help someone I knew was trying their best but things were a temporary struggle. If it was someone trying to not pay childcare etc, nope.

You are sacrificing a salary to be there for your own children, not to be back-up so other’s can earn theirs.

If you want to be direct, you should be direct. But at the very least, you shouod absolutely start pushing back.

Is there an amount of money you could ask for that would make you feel happy to say yes? I think technically you couldn't ask for payment without being registered etc (does someone know, is there an exemption for small informal sitting like this?)but perhaps you'd feel happy with, for example, giving the next person who asks a shopping list of £x worth of groceries to get for you in return. It sounds as though that could quite easily turn out to be a win-win solution provided you also made up your mind to say No when it's genuinely not convenient.

I feel quite similar to you and now will tell you my words of wisdom as I feel quite used too sometimes

1- it's not your responsibility to facilitate their life choices (except if you choose to in an emergency)

2 you don't owe people your time just because you're a sahm

Are these children that your children are friends with? Would they like to go back to theirs for the afternoon?

If not I’d just be less available.

Doesn’t sound like OP’s dc would be welcome, given the half hearted offer of weekend childcare.

Whatever you ro, don't accept the reciprocal offer!
They take your DC for one night and they will think job done and YOU owe THEM.
Don't answer your phone when they call.
Don't say sorry.
Keep saying no to non emergency requests.
No need for a big announcement.
Be less available. You are doing an online course.
Believe me, suddenly you will be doing afternoon care as a default if you don't nip it in the bud.

The more you say no the less you will have to. They will make other arrangements or think of of other options, that they don’t do currently, because you say yes

Whatever you ro, don't accept the reciprocal offer!
They take your DC for one night and they will think job done and YOU owe THEM.

Agree 💯

Exactly this.
Don't get into it. You will lose the friendships.

I don't think you should have a conversation about it. Simply say no next time you're asked and keep saying no whenever it's not convenient. You don't have to give a lengthy explanation, just say you have plans and they'll have to ask someone else. I learned to say no when I felt I was being taken advantage of in the exact same situation. However, I didn't want to say no completely because my DC loved the playdates. I just said no to so many of them.

Having a conversation might make it much bigger drama and it could backfire if you ever need emergency help and no longer have anyone to ask. Keep the door open, but enforce some boundaries.

When you step in and help are they offering a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers? That’s what I’ve given friends on the rare occasions I’ve needed help.

Agree, you're a SAHM right now to make YOUR lives easier. But even though it is very reasonable not to want to look after other people's children I wouldn't announce it, manifesto style. That could make them embarrassed and then instead of feeling ''I've been asking @Lolabear38 too much'' they'll deal with that by thinking @Lolabear38 was so abrupt with me.

The next time they ask, decide on a case by case basis. The one who often asks you to pick up her son and keep him all afternoon, I'd ''miss'' her calls and texts. Or text back saying ''I can't''

You’re a stay at home mother, you’re not a childminder.