To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I think you just need to make yourself never available. These so-called friends have already demonstrated that they don't understand what an emergency is, so the only way to avoid them taking the piss is just to never be available to look after their kids.

I would also be inclined to invent something which means that having extra kids in the house is always off the cards. ( DH now working from home due to office restructuring / You're having extensive house renovations / Your elderly relative has come to live with you).

That way you don't have to come up with an endless stream of excuses.

Having an honest conversation is pointless and may cause unecessary conflict, your own kids not being invited to things, etc.

Call in favours now. And take your lead from their reaction

I have a friend who I will call Paula. Paula decided to be a sahm after she had kids. She had one CF who asked her to collect X after school and mind them till say 6.00. The father would then collect the child at 6.30 or 7.00. He say to her we must have y (her child) who was in X class down on Sat. This only happened twice. She then found out that X father had been doing the same with several other mother's in school. She stored his number on her phone and when she saw his number did not answer the phone.
Another woman refused to return the favour after Paula minded her child several times. The next time she rang Paula said no to her.

Then she has helped out several mothers who were good about returning the favour or would bring Paula's child to a match with their own kids. One of the mother's helped Paula get her oldest child into the best secondary school a few miles away. Paula had several reasons for not wanting her kids to go to the nearest local secondary school.

I would be very aware of not being available always for back up child care because some people will use you for this and not return the favour. If you wanted to become a child minder you would be paid for this and CF know this. You and your husband/partner decided that you be a sahm for perhaps a few years. You may have less money doing this than couples who are both working. Just because of your current life choices it does not mean that your going to become an unpaid child minder.
If you have minded kids in the past I ask their parents to return the favour and if they give you an excuse you on where you stand so just say No the next time you're asked. In fact with CF I say sorry I won't mind your kid when you refuse to return the favour.

Be prepared, if the person asking is a genuine CF they can be really pushy, you will find that they often don't take no for an answer, they press and press for information about your excuse and start offering "solutions" for how you could do it differently. They don't take the "hint" and so you have to calmly repeat it, until they realise you mean business. Have some good "closing the subject down" sentences up your sleeve at the ready.

’No that doesn’t work for me’.

This happened to me but I have learnt to say No. I help out a school mum, once a week but then she has been asking me to help on an extra day which I thought was a one off. It wasn't so when she asked me again, I just said I can only help on the original day as I am busy the rest of the time.

I was in your position years ago (with an innate urge to be helpful) and I'm afraid that you do need to put up a barrier otherwise you will be taken advantage of. I wouldn't make some big announcement, I would suggest being brave and simply saying ,"no, I'm afraid I can't". I can tell you from experience that if you apologise or look even vaguely flaky about refusing, the mums that are the cheekiest don't back off. If you feel you have to give a reason, make something up about possibly having to be available for a family member but don't feel obliged to elaborate. I work now but I do look back on that time with interest because I was able to sense a perception that I really had very little to do all day when, in reality, the five hours went really quickly especially when you're on a constant round of breastfeeding as you are. Being available for emergencies is something we all do for each other but you really are not obliged to provide regular childcare for people pursuing their careers.

You are a SAHM for YOUR children not theirs! Say no, sorry I can't. No explanations

When I was a SAHM I felt like I was effectively subsidising their life choices. I couldn’t work at the time due to childcare costs and lack of any family backup. But they thought it was fine to earn money and take advantage of me.

I started charging a commercial emergency rate and going to their house (to make it legal, as then it’s nannying and not childminding which needs registration). Far less people asked and those that did I didn’t feel resentful of because it benefited our family.

Maybe send some sort of group message to then explaining how you feel. You could start charging them as a childminder would charge then they may change their mind about asking

Yanbu. It's cheeky of them.

You are sacrificing a salary to stay at home....they could do the same if they wanted

I agree with a direct conversation

I was thinking a direct conversation about it rather than making excuses/ waiting for the next call to make another excuse/ wait for the penny to drop etc. they are close friends and I do want to maintain the friendships

I’m going to go against the grain here. You haven’t actually established a film pattern, so I’d just stop being available to stop it becoming one. Human nature being what it is, these women are unlikely to think “oh yes, I was being rather unreasonable”. It’ll be “I don’t know what Lola was taking about! I only asked her once/twice whatever and she was perfectly happy to do
it. She could’ve said if it wasn’t convenient. And I’d have done the same for her/was going to ask little Lola round to play…..”. Whereas it’s much harder to complain that “I phoned Lola out of the blue with no notice to pick up my kid and she didn’t have her phone/was out…..”. Nobody likes to think they’re in the wrong, basically.

You are not going against the grain. The majority of posters have advised the OP to not have a direct conversation and simply be unavailable when the CFs ask/phone rings.

Just say no lol

I honestly had the same problem. I am a SAHM and i also homeschool both of my children ages 5 and 7. My mother in law would always try to get me to watch my brother in laws kids cus him and his BM(baby momma)would have just the same old arguments and talk about splitting up but they never do. What was worse was she and my brother and sister in law would always try to dump the kids on me via using my mother in law as the delivery driver to drop off my neice and nephews. So that they all could go and have fun and do what they want. I honestly put my foot down and told them what it was. Not that I couldn't do it but that im not doing it and it ain't my responsibility to raise, teach, and train kids I did not birth and that my niece and nephews parents just need to shut up, man or woman up and deal with their own kids. If they have problems then they need to handle them like adults and not try to dump them off on someone else cus they don't feel like dealing with their own kids. So you are in the right!

I’ve been in this position. I find the best way is just to say no, you’re busy and can’t help today sorry. A couple of friends drifted away when they realised I wasn’t interested in being their free babysitter but they weren’t bringing much to the table anyway.

Fuck that,
I work full time. If I was a SAHM, you'd have to pay me to put my bra on to go pick up someone else's kid.
Don't feel guilty. Youre not their childminder. Just refuse.

Sorry I was meant to say I work full time and I wouldn't dare do this to even a family member unless it was an emergency. They're takin the piss

Just wondering two things @Lolabear38 - the first is have you been asked to be 'back up childcare' recently and two, what did you do/say if you were asked?

Are they already regularly having your 4 year round when they are free. I’m guessing not. They could and they choose not to.

Ive had a few of these.
One who didn’t work and I worked part time and would ring at 2.55pm to pick her child up from school. Luckily a few times I was in work and she then complained my childminder wouldn’t take her.
Another one was a good friend. I had her daughter constantly. I didn’t mind too much as she has another child who is difficult and so DD didn’t like going round there often. Then I had a very serious emergency and I asked her to take DD. Her answer was ‘I fancy sitting around in PJs today so I can’t. ‘ I cut her off as free childcare after that although she has tried and even suggested I take her children for entire weekends so her and DH can go away.
some people are just users.