To say no to being backup childcare?

[Lolabear38]

I’m a SAHM. I have two children - one 4 and one under 1. Most of my friends work and their kids are in school/ daycare of some sort. My dd (4) goes to nursery part time and ds (1) is at home with me.

In the past, if close friends’ childcare plans have fallen through/ there’s been some kind of emergency, they’ve called me knowing I’ll likely be free to help out and I’ve happily done so, assuming it was a one-off. My issue is that recently I feel like they’ve been taking advantage a bit and calling me more and more frequently to help out with childcare. In the last 2 weeks alone I’ve been called 3 times by two different friends to help out with childcare - one time was picking up from school and dropping home but twice involved having their kids for the whole afternoon.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here - if it’s a genuine emergency then of course I would help out like anyone else would, but I never signed up for or offered to be a backup childcare person! I feel like it’s a slippery slope… the more I say yes when they call the more they start relying on me and assuming I can do it.

However… and here’s where I’m wondering if IABU - I am a SAHM and I am often at home with my kids, and able to help out if needed (not saying anything about other sahm’s here, literally just talking about my own situation). If a friend called and said they needed childcare for their kids and technically I could do it then I would feel bad saying no… but sometimes I just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as it seems to be getting more and more frequent. I like being at home with my kids and sometimes having someone else’s around too is a pain in the bum.

One ‘frequent flyer’ mum has half heartedly said that she’ll have my kids for a bit on a weekend if I wanted to go out with DH or something but ds is bf on demand so it’s not that easy for me to go out at the moment anyway.

I’m toying with the idea of telling them I’m not happy to be a backup childcare option unless it’s a genuine emergency (like someone’s in hospital etc!) but I really was just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here!? Interested to hear some thoughts on this.

I know how lucky I am to be a sahm and I can see how hard it is for working parents to organize childcare, and sometimes things come up. But I also feel like it’s not very fair to just assume I will look after their kids whenever they need it just because I’m not in a paid job at the moment 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell them you're currently researching become by a registered childminder and you'd be happy to email them a price list and application form if they're interested.

That should sort them out!!

As a side note my friend is a childminder and she makes a good living from it x

I'd still bother with the social nicety of 'sorry', since you'd ideally not want the hostility that results from a blunt reply. Besides, this is Britain, where everyone knows 'sorry, but...' isn't a genuine apology, just a social lubricant

Back when I was a CM, I still had people ask me if I could walk their kids to school since I was going there anyway. No recognition that it was my job, that people actually paid me for!
People are strange!

Completely understand OP! I’m a sahm with 3 primary school aged children and got fed up of always being asked to help out with other people’s childcare. The decision for me to stay at home was one jointly made with DH as it suits our family life for many reasons that are, quite frankly, no one else’s business.

Having three of my own also means it’s extremely unlikely that the help will be reciprocated. I didn’t want to lose the friendship so rather than having a big talk I’ve done what others have suggested and just become less available. Fingers crossed it’s working as the requests have tailed off lately.

Definitely doesn't need anything more than a "sorry, I can't do that. We must catch up soon" (or something else similarly chatty but changing the subject.

Don't say you hope they get something sorted as that's sort of suggesting they can tell you it's impossible so it will be back on you.

Definitely no need for a big talk if you want to stay friends with people though!

I say to my friends (we all work an help each other out in different ways) that they're ok to ask and if I can do it (ie it's possible and I'm happy to), I'll say yes. If I say no but they really need me to (operation/funeral etc), they can tell me that and I'll do it unless I really can't.

You don't need 'excuses', OP. You just need to say 'Sorry, I can't today' - that's that!! Then ignore your phone as the begging messages come in. You don't need to follow it with reason why & they will soon get the message.

Once you've said no once you'll feel so much better. Excuses lead to you feeling even more guilty as you've lied, then you worry about being caught out, and you'll have done that to yourself!

Just. Say. NO.

I don't think you need to make an announcement, but when they do ask, just say that you can't do it. You don't need to give reasons. People have busy lives, whether they have paid work or not. It's one thing if it's a genuine emergency (I think anyone would try to help however they can), but you can consider the others things and say yes or no to what you want/don't want to help with (not that you have any obligation to help at all!).

I'm a single parent, working FT, but I would never assume that anyone I know who is a SAHP would be the go to for childcare!! I know what it's like to be up shit creek with childcare, so I will help others when I can. But there are definitely times where I can't, and will say so x

I think it's time to start saying "no" more often. If you are a reliable source of childcare, they won't need to find an alternative.

I understand leaving the baby is difficult but is there nothing you could ask for a favour back for? Haircuts, hospital appts, a quick coffee and cake out with DP? It would make you feel so much better if they were happy to help you out, and it would tell you something useful if they weren't. Childcare, lift sharing etc only really works long-term if there is some reciprocity, and nice people find a way.

Don't have a big conversation, it could backfire spectacularly, but do redress the balance and take a bit more control even if it feels artificial.

Not wanting to do something is a complete and valid reason, whether or not you could
do it.

as many PP have said you are not a SAHP for anyone’a convenience but your own.

I would not give reasons, just either “not get” the messages or phone calls, or just say “sorry can’t help out”. Offering an explanation suggests guilt or obligation and gives them a way in.

And do it several times on the trot. It’s all about breaking the habit and as with other habits consistency is the thing. If you do one day a week or whatever they will still have that thought in the back of their minds that you are the default. All the more important because you have more than one of them behaving like this.

Can you just say, "I will always help in emergencies, you know that, but I want to have more time with just my own kids at present, so won't be having children over unless it is something urgent. I am sure you understand ".

The trouble is, they already know that you're their back up and so they start to make their plans accordingly.
So they'll book a dental appointment or a meeting knowing that you'll oblige.
When they tell you that they've got an appointment or whatever, you feel guilty about saying 'no.'

It's easier said than done as I was in exactly your position.

Interestingly, none of these 'friends' are in my life anymore as secondary school meant that I was no longer needed.

They're taking the piss out of your kindness. Don't make excuses, just tell them you can't do it. You're not their childminder. I wonder if they'd do you any favours.

Plus Summer holidays are coming @Lolabear38 Needs to be done sooner rather than later.
Otherwise your whole Summer will be other people kids.

My initial reaction without RTFT would be to say no regardless of their reason for needing the childcare. They will always claim it’s an emergency. What would they do if you were not there?

I agree with pp that an upfront conversation will get you nowhere because they'll have different ideas of what constitutes an emergency from you and won't see that they've been unreasonable so far (especially since they only see their own individual picture, you're the one with the big picture that it's not just one person doing it) Far better to just be unavailable from now on, and then you can judge on a case by case basis if there is a real need that you'd be willing to help with. Be vague with your excuses though, you don't want to get caught out having made up dentists' appointments or similar, just say 'Sorry, we've got something on.' That should get the message across, eventually.

I am still a SAHM, had both children go through primary, I was used once over the summer holidays when my friend's childminder was hospitalised. I was more than happy to have them and I also knew the childminder who thanked me for stepping in.

Other times I have been childcare, inset days as there is no childcare, however this was for Ds1's best friend and his sibling who was in the same year as Ds2 and both children were well behaved. This friend also had my son for play dates at her house as she adjusted her hours to fit in with school along with her Dh. The boys were like velcro, it was a lovely friendship.

And then maybe on 2 other occasions but my children have always had play dates with these other children and the Mum's never took the piss. I literally saw one working woman look through my SAHM friend's wall calendar for summer to see if she was busy on days she wanted her to look after her child. I was so shocked but I did call her out on it because my friend is far too nice.

Keep doing it, but keep a tally RELIGIOUSLY and for every two hours or whatever you have their kids, they will be taking yours that week too. BF-ing a one year old on demand doesn't mean your boob is tethered to him 24 hours a day - drop your kids over to your friend's house on Saturday morning (prooooobably mention it to her first) and go for coffee with your DH like you used to, or go for a run, or just take yourself off alone without the kids hanging off you for a couple of hours.

Obv. don't say you're going for a run. "Hey babes, it was lovely having little Devon and Jevon on Wednesday. So can you take them on Saturday from 9 - 11am? Or would 3 - 5pm suit you better? I have some things I really need to get done without the kids this weekend. Let me know what time works best and I'll drop them over. Lola xxx"

Sadly, the requests will definitely dry up pretty quickly when they realise that it works both ways, but you'll get a few nice breaks in the meantime.

I actually wouldn't say "no" because it's not that much trouble - IF you can make it fully reciprocal, because you will actually get some free time that you're not paying a babysitter for and that would be fantastic.

I think the simple fact is that if they are not immediately offering to sort out some sort of reciprocation then they are CF.

I work FT, and I have a lot of envy of the time my SAHM friends have but I would not abuse our friendship like your "friends" are doing for you.

They are inadequately planning because they see you as a fall back. It's not on, unless you want to continue to be their door mat. If they really are good friends, have the preemptive chat, they should be able to see it from your side.

While this is a lovely sentiment, they might see that them meeting up with friends they haven't seen in such a long time without the kids might be to them an emergency, it's not an emergency to you. It's just not an emergency to anyone really. So, the only way to deal with them is to give them as little information about your plans as possible while remaining polite at all times and just say no.

Channel your inner Zammo!!!

Thanks everyone! So the general consensus seems to be not to have ‘the’ conversation and instead to make myself less available. I’ll try this! Interestingly a lot of people have commented on the fact that DH and I have sacrificed my wage for me to be a sahm and friends wouldn’t share their wage with me in exchange for my time (nor would k ask Obvs!) I hadn’t thought of it like that. It actually helps me validate saying no to them a bit more I think.

Agree.

And don't feel you need read or respond to every message that crosses your phone.

I'd tell anyone who asked "didn't you get my message?!" that we're reducing phone and screen time for the summer.

You are at home to be with your own children.

I don't think it would matter if you were a lady of leisure you, do not owe anyone an excuse for refusing to give up your time. Most people are happy to help in an emergency but that does not seem to be what is happening here. Whether you have the privilege of being able to afford to stay at home with your children and they don't is irrelevant. We all make choices in life and we shouldn't expect other people to fund or facilitate those choices just because we think they are able to.

If there is a pattern to the times the calls come in then I would just stop answering the phone and hope they learn that you being helpful is a favour not an obligation.

I feel for you OP I had the same when mine were younger and I had given up work to look after them.
Then one day it all came to a head. I genuinely still don't think that my friend thought she was in the wrong at all....
Basically I'd done the odd school pick up for her child and covered an hour or two afterwards, and because I'd always helped she'd taken it as a given that I wouldn't mind being the emergency contact with school. I obviously had no idea about this until I received a phone call saying her DS had been vomiting and could I please collect as his parents were unreachable. Three hours I had the poor soul vomiting all over my house, and me scrubbing the mess whilst 7 months pregnant.
So be careful OP that you don't end up being seriously taken advantage of, and be prepared that being busy might not be enough of a hint for some people to take.