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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not lend ds savings?

220 replies

FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 00:07

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 16/06/2022 00:12

The fact he borrowed money off your parents and never paid it back.... then no way would I lend him the money.

LordEmsworth · 16/06/2022 00:12

Why are you even asking? It would be massively unreasonable of you to do it... You and DS would never see the money again. Ignore ignore ignore...

Hugasauras · 16/06/2022 00:12

Tell him it's invested and you can't access it. He seems hugely unreliable.

Pompom2367 · 16/06/2022 00:13

It's not his money op don't give him it

Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 16/06/2022 00:13

hes bad with money to the extent he fails to pay back thousands. No chance would I lend him cash

NoSquirrels · 16/06/2022 00:14

Oh bloody hell - absolutely do not give him anything.

He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

It ceased to be ‘his’ money when he gave it to DS. Don’t entertain this at all. Tell him you locked the savings away and you can’t access them so it’s not possible.

Notanotherwindow · 16/06/2022 00:14

The phrase that springs to mind is Hell No. Also fuck right off.

It's your DSs savings, he has no right to it. He's an adult, he can sort his own bills. If you lend him it, you'll likely not get it repaid.

KalvinPhillips23 · 16/06/2022 00:16

Tell him you are unable to get the money out as it's in a long term savings account , his Bills are not your problem.

NotKevinTurvey · 16/06/2022 00:18

No utility company is going to be concerned at being paid a few weeks late at the moment, so it’s ludicrous that he’s asking to raid his child’s money.

JuneJubilee · 16/06/2022 00:20

send the test the dictionary definition of 'gave'

keep asking him when he's going to pay your parents back!!

Flatandhappy · 16/06/2022 00:22

Of course he doesn’t “have to” borrow DS’s money, he sees it as an easy option. Tell him no.

Pantsomime · 16/06/2022 00:24

To protect your DS you have to say it’s inaccessible in a bond or something which you can’t access. If he borrows once he will keep doing it given his history. Tell him his son’s money is out of bounds even if you could access it. He’s an adult and needs to manage his own cash which it seems he can’t so nip this idea in the bud and he can go and scrounge elsewhere

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 00:24

If you give him this money, you are stealing from your own child. How could you even consider this?

Pantsomime · 16/06/2022 00:25

to add if he starts pressing you on what type of account etc just say it’s none of his business and all he needs to know is I t’s tied up and it’s not his anyway so he needs to go elsewhere

KangFang · 16/06/2022 00:31

He'll never, ever pay it back.
Ever.

This will also be a way to control you and your DS.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 16/06/2022 00:31

One of my parents did this - I’ve never got the money back!

Borrowing DS’s money without him knowing = stealing his money.

i would lie and say it’s in a childrens ISA and that only DS can withdraw it once he is and adult or that it is in a 30/60 day notice account so what a shame he will have to get the money from his own savings that he can access end the end of the month/14 days.

Then gave a discussion (depending on ages) with DS about finances and how he should never discuss them with anyone!

avamiah · 16/06/2022 00:35

The answer is NO.
He gave the money to DS in good faith, for him to save and that was very nice of him.
Simply tell him No and it’s in a long term savings account.
As for paying his utility bill he can set up a arrangement to pay in instalments or pay the £150 at a later date.

TigerLilyTail · 16/06/2022 00:40

It sounds like he heard about DS's money and now it's burning a hole in his pocket.

I'd give him an earful, but I doubt it will make much difference.

stevalnamechanger · 16/06/2022 00:41

Absolutely do NOT give him a penny

Lurkerlot · 16/06/2022 00:44

The answer is no. Hex can arrange a payment plan with the utility company.

Lurkerlot · 16/06/2022 00:46

Ha! Hex = Ex.

Snugglepumpkin · 16/06/2022 00:50

Tell him NO.
If you must, tell him all the money is now spent or in an account that cannot be accessed & there will never be an option to lend him money.

You'll never see it again & he'll probably deny to the child that he spent it.

You will take the blame & sadly, it will be your fault because you will be the one who gave your DS money away.

Don't do it.

He may even badger your DS for it, so be cautious if your DS suddenly asks for the cash as his father may try to get it that way.

I'm sorry your son has a father like this but his money problem is not your problem or your sons problem to solve.

ChocolateHippo · 16/06/2022 00:51

Tell him that you'll lend him the money once he pays your parents back what he owes them.

TheTeenageYears · 16/06/2022 00:52

This is one of those no is a complete sentence situations. No justification needed.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/06/2022 01:02

How is this even a question? It's not your money to lend or give away. It CERTAINLY isn't your ex's either anymore. Bloody cheek!
Even if he could be trusted (which he clearly can't) the answer should be "No, its DS's money"