To not lend ds savings?

[FanFanFanFee]

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

My response would be

A/ It doesn’t matter what he says to DS, he isn’t getting the money
B/He is not having the children that weekend as it has already been arranged that you will have them (do you have text evidence OP?)

And finally you will be making an appointment to see a solicitor as you are sick and tired of his abuse (you don’t necessarily need to OP but you can pretend you are).

do you have that in writing? if so, who is he going to complain to, the judge?? I threatened to steal my son's money and then said I would stop him going to a dance performance unless he paid me his pocket money??
He is obviously a total knob. You will need to stop your son giving him money in future I think!

He is now saying that unless I hand over ds money he will 'stick to the dates in the order' and the dc will have to miss their performance.

Was this a spoken exchange, or via message OP?

If it was written down, he's just shot himself in the foot.
If so - on this occasion, respond:
"So what you are suggesting is that unless our son agrees to be interrogated by you about his savings, which you want to appropriate from him to pay a bill, you will deliberately punish the DC by making them miss the school performance they are so looking forward to?"

Do NOT get into a back & forth about it.
Whatever he responds, just keep a screenshot/file of it.
Then refuse his contact on the performance weekend.
Again - not getting into a back & forth - one clear calm statement -
"As discussed, DC do not wish to miss their performance & will be upset if you make them lose out on this. As you are only refusing to swap weekends because you want to access DS's savings account, & think that this is a fit punishment for not being given DS's money, you will have to miss your contact this month.
You can pick up again as normal next month, but to reiterate - you are NOT to badger DS about his savings, & you will NOT be given his money."

Let him take you to court (doubt he'll bother btw).
He'll be laughed out of it when court officials read your transcript of what actually happened, & how he is trying to blackmail you & hurt the kids in order to get his hands on his child's money.

If the exchange you've just updated about was only verbal - send both suggested statements above, then ignore anything he says or writes until after the performance.
You cannot allow him to believe that he is able to manipulate you again.

As a parent he is a bloody disgrace. Do not let your son give the sperm donor any of his money. I would follow @KettrickenSmiled's advice about confirming his threats in writing.

You tell your child the truth about their father and the money situation, and you sent contact on the date of the event. Do not give in to his emotional terrorism. Keep a record of everything, respond exactly like the pp said, and ignore his bullshit. Let him take you to court. It would be laughable. Don't allow yourself to be bullied by him.

*deny contact

Did you actually give him the information he asked for?

You know what he’s like so a quick - oh not much he’s spent some - would have shaken him off.

Yoi don’t have to share his financial information with anyone and I’d be telling DS the same thing.

Stop engaging - literally say NO and don't respond again

If you think he's going to talk to your kid about it listen to the call (record it) and when your kid gets upset hang up

Don't hand over the money

Don't send them on that weekend

He won't be able to do anything about it - you have the messages where he's threatening to deny them their dance performance- you're not going to get punished for doing the right thing

I have sent a message as per Kettricks suggestion. Awaiting reply and will then cease to engage.

He had been being quite reasonable for quite a long time, I was starting to think he'd changed. Guess I was wrong, like I have been so many times before.

dont let him guilt trip your son into giving him money-how old is ds

How old is your DS?

I'm afraid you will have to have cast iron boundaries until he gives up again. He's testing you and the only way you can help yourself is just not to cave. Iron fist in a velvet glove. Keep calm, polite but NO to any demands. Don't JADE as PP said. Just NO.

Ds is 10.
He has not responded to my message. It is possible that seeing it written down starkly may have made him realise how awful what he's trying to do is?
In any case I shall channel Mad Eye Moody as suggested and also not JADE. If he tries to pressurise ds I will have to deal with it but I can't preempt anything because he may not in the end and I don't want to upset ds unnecessarily.

Good for you OP .

He really is a CF to do this.
Stay strong and ignore any further requests. You owe him nothing.

You should also help your DS to say no to his father about this money. It is very possible that your DS might be directly approached by his father asking for a loan and you have to prepare him to say no to his father too.

😂😁Cheers OP.

You don't NEED to pre-empt anything.The best result is his silence on the subject.

And you're likely right - he's probably not entirely stupid, & realises what he will look like if his blackmail sees the light of day. So you have contained him for now - well done!

Unless he is thick enough to revisit, all your job is now is to keep a very firm ear out on any video calls. And for any hint of in-person manipulation of the DC. At which point you'll give DC an age-appropriate form of "it's a shame daddy is short of money, but he shouldn't have been silly with it, & we do NOT lend or borrow money from our children."

Well, he backed down on the show blackmail which is good.

And he has now started to accuse me of stealing ds money to spend on alcohol, saying he knows I'm drunk every night and in debt, and that it was all a test to see if I had stolen 'his' money and my refusing to 'return' it to him proves I have. He now says he never needed it.

It's amazing really - everything is written down yet he still tries to change what has happened and make me believe I got it wrong. This is not the first time he has done similar. But it doesn't work when I can go back and read in black and white.

This is what the thumb emoji was invented for.

If he pulls this kind of blackmail again, you might point out that he really should just take responsibility for taking the children to their activities during his custody time. They don’t stop having lives before if the custody calendar.

And he has now started to accuse me of stealing ds money to spend on alcohol, saying he knows I'm drunk every night and in debt, and that it was all a test to see if I had stolen 'his' money and my refusing to 'return' it to him proves I have. He now says he never needed it.
😂😂😂

The archive of his batshittery, inability to parent, blackmail, extortion, threats & false accusations are going to make compelling (& inadvertently hilarious) reading to any lawyer, court official or agency worker, should you ever need to brandish it OP.

I'm going to nag you once more about Co-Parenting s/w, for all the reasons stated upthread, but mainly because I think it will be better for your mental health.

& will now shut up about it, because the most important thing here, is how brilliantly you have coped with this nasty episode. You shouldn't have had to, but that's the reality, & until DC are grown, you are going to have to maintain the Mad-Eye Moody impersonation. So what I really popped up again to say is - bloody well done you - I'm in awe of your intelligence, determination & resilience.

More like what the middle finger emoji is for!

People like this will never admit when they are wrong. They just attack. Don't engage with him anymore.

Well done so far. Keep screenshots.

You may wish to consider putting at least some of the savings in an account that can't immediately be accessed. There are some that require 30 or 60 days notice for example.

Co parenting s/w? I'm prob being thick or missed something upthread but what is this?

He has decided he wants to visit the dc for Father's Day today. The dc are excited. I am feeling nervous.

Co parenting s/w? I'm prob being thick or missed something upthread but what is this?

Probably not OP, more likely I posted about it else-thread & imagined it was here? Something like Our Family Wizard - have a read of "features" - www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/product-features -

You are a smart cookie so will 'read between the lines' of their careful & neutral prose.
It's basically a secure platform with built-in Anti-Fuckwit Defences.

Once you have it (am sure YOU will be the sole payer, & hope it's affordable for you), he has no option but to comply in using it, because you then block him on EVERYTHING else. He's hardly going to reject the sole comms he is able to now use to get to you - he's a needler & a goader, & cannot stop using you for Supply & to imagine he still has control.

One of the best things about using a Co-Parenting platform is that - once you have extensively archived all past messaged elsewhere & he has been expunged from ALL other forms of comms - is that you never again need to SEE his name pop up in your life until you feel good & ready to deal with it. No more stomach-lurches as his messenger pings at you, no more swooping anxiety as his name pops up on your screen ... you simply crack on with your life, & check into the Co-Parenting site when YOU want to.

That's what I meant about it being better for your mental health.

PS just had a bit of a noodle at the Features page again myself.
Am chortling, because the 'Expense Log' section would make him 1) wet his pants 2) lose his shit.

Apologies for being all coarse & gallows-humour at you OP ...

But am sure you can see - if affordable for you - how this gives control right back to you. He can be as angry & dismayed as he likes about being, essentially, forced into using the software at your 'instruction'. Tough!
He can no longer tell you his feelings about it via email, text, messenger - whatever. Because you have already blocked all the avenues he likes keeping open so he can keep abusing you.
And if he abuses you on the new platform ... you simply Grey Rock, remember not to JADE, & chortle to yourself about how he is logging his own fuckwittery for the lawyers, courts or any agencies. Yup - those same lawyers, courts & agencies that he is threatening to take YOU to.
Ha!

What a fuckwit he is.
You are so ahead of his game & he can't even see it.

If the software is an expense too far btw - most of the above still applies. You could eg choose to set up a separate email account that is solely for Fuckwit Comms, that you only access at intervals or stated times that suit YOU. You then inform him of the new email address, & block elsewhere ... same drill.
But if you can afford the software, happy days. It's all contained & backed up, & you won't have to trawl through lots of email for references/proof of conduct/examples of post-separation abuse/financial abuse/etc as it will all be laid out for you within one system.
Also: it will piss him off mightily. He will feel you have 'won.' (whether via software or new email. He will HATE the feeling of you being in control of your own comms. Tee hee.)
You won't care about winning, you only care about keeping his abuse contained.
So either way, you have the guts & skills to manage him.

Keep us posted - when you WANT to, & remember you don't owe us any updates. Looking after your MH & having a lovely Sunday is what you most deserve after this distressing episode of post-separation abuse, & I sincerely admire you for how you handled it. xx