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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend ds savings?

220 replies

FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 00:07

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 08:02

SBAM · 16/06/2022 07:52

Glad you’re saying no.

I have kids accounts with Halifax, and as I’m the adult who opened it they appear on my online banking, I can transfer money in really easily, and there’s no minimum age. You can also deposit cheques just by taking a photo of which is helpful at birthdays/Christmas.
I’d really recommend it, saves any issues if your pocket money tally gets tampered with/deleted/you’re flustered and forget to update it one day.

That's interesting. I will investigate what my bank offers

OP posts:
PlntLady · 16/06/2022 08:03

Do do it!
Like you said it is DSs money and he has had the foresight to act responsibly and save it. If he does find out you will be teaching him that saving is actually pointless and worr of all that he cant trust you.
R.e. the utility company - I have had problems with paying my bills in the past and utility companies will wait months if you call an negotiate and put a plan in place with them. They certainly dont demand £150 the next day. They will wait a couple of weeks.

It seems to me like give your history with you ex, that he still feels he is entitled to control you and your children. If you do this, you will be telling him he can.

Moodycow78 · 16/06/2022 08:04

No no no, you know where this is headed, either you won't get it back at all, you'll get it back eventually when DS finds out or he will give it back but this will become a regular occurrence when he's short. Don't risk it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/06/2022 08:04
  1. Your child is not too young to have an account-my children all had one from a few weeks old.
  2. Open them accounts and transfer their money
  3. Tell your ex you’ve already done the above so the money isn’t accessible until they are 18
LilianLenton · 16/06/2022 08:07

I'm glad you decided to say no. He's proved before that he can't be trusted to repay loans to family. Don't be complicit in him defrauding your child's savings.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/06/2022 08:08

And Santander do the best childrens account currently called a 1,2,3 mini I think.
If you wanted to make it inaccessible then open them a childrens ISA

catflycat · 16/06/2022 08:09

FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 07:09

The money is in a separate account - not with my day to day money. I can transfer it into my main account easily whenever my son wants to spend it.

I have not got a spare £150 in my budget - so if I had leant ds money to ex and then ds decided he wanted to spend it I wouldn't be able to easily just take £150 from my budget for him to use.

Regardless - I have got my answer and I will be saying no to ex. Whoever asked - yes financial was not the only abuse, no we're not in a relationship, having been very very low contact with ex for years I have recently went trying to be more open in communication for the sake of the children, but I still obviously have some issues in being confident and sure that my instincts and boundaries are correct.

This way to manage the dc money arose because my eldest has fairly severe behavioural issues and is not NT, and we cannot keep cash in the house safely. So I keep a record on my phone of the dc pocket money, which is a note on my notes app that I update each week with each dc pocket money but I only keep the current total - not a history of what has come in and gone out. It works for us right now, because I always have to hand how much each has, and if they want to spend some I just pay and update their total (none yet go out alone).

It may be time to look at individual savings accounts for them - ds has been umming and erring about spending his money on various large Lego sets etc since Xmas but has so far not decided on anything so his savings total has crept up and up as he's not spending, but in general it's only small amounts in my pocket money note.

We use Rooster for the same reason (not to have cash in the house) - it's a free app and handy as you can see the history of money in and out which is useful when I've forgotten to add pocket money or removed money spent

maeveiscurious · 16/06/2022 08:10

I would discuss with DS about moving the majority into a JISA it's protected until age 18

axolotlfloof · 16/06/2022 08:12

They absolutely can have their own savings accounts. Mine have had them since birth.
Much better to keep it separate.
And no of course you can't lend your child's money.

saraclara · 16/06/2022 08:18

FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 08:01

This is my concern - if I set up accounts for them that either ex will pressure them (and the saving dc is the most likely to cave to such pressure and then be really upset about it), or he will demand access to the accounts as 'parental rights'.

Show quote history

That's a really good point. I take back my previous posts. As long as you have a clear record somewhere of exactly what each child has, and it's in a separate account from your current one, I think the inability of the ex to access it is a important advantage.

catfunk · 16/06/2022 08:21

Of course you shouldn't

But this makes no sense :
Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)
so you didn't share it out into their savings - you keep it all?
Surely you could check online banking if you wanted to see the transfer amount ?

Justkeeppedaling · 16/06/2022 08:22

Can you say it's in an ISA or something and you can't get at it?

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 16/06/2022 08:22

Can you tell him it's spent already?
Longer term plan would be to lock it away so he can't access it, but that probably doesn't help your son as he won't have it to hand when he does decide what to spend it on.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 16/06/2022 08:26

I'd laugh and tell him he can have the £150 when he pays your parents back first. His problem, not yours.

SleepyMc · 16/06/2022 08:28

Amazed that you would even consider this. It’s not your money. Absolutely not.

Original poster
FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 08:39

catfunk · 16/06/2022 08:21

Of course you shouldn't

But this makes no sense :
Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)
so you didn't share it out into their savings - you keep it all?
Surely you could check online banking if you wanted to see the transfer amount ?

Yes - I can see the total amount he sent and I then shared out by putting the correct amount into each dcs total in my running note as previously described.

But I didn't keep a record of how much he sent for each dc. I knew at the time and each got the amount destined for them but the others have now spent theirs and saver has added to his and I don't know how much ex gave. It's irrelevant really since all dc needs to know is his current total. It was only relevant if I was considering agreeing exs request which I'm not

OP posts:
Sirius3030 · 16/06/2022 08:42

Let me think about this one….
Well, that didn’t take long.
No.

Bootothegoose · 16/06/2022 08:46

’It’s in a closed investment ISA for when he is older and I cannot access it. Nor would I want to. It’s DS’ and I won’t give it away without his permission. Hope you get the bill sorted.’

Bootothegoose · 16/06/2022 08:47

Takes the flack off you without starting an argument. He also won’t ask in future.

Inertia · 16/06/2022 08:48

Of course you don’t steal your child’s money to pay off your abusive ex. You are the adult here, don’t let EX financially abuse your children.

Don’t make excuses, turn it around on him-while he’s on the subject of money, what’s his plan to pay back your parents?

Ex needs to contact the utility company about a payment plan.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/06/2022 08:49

I don't know if you could phrase it in some way to say that you're aware of the money that your parents 'loaned' him during your relationship and none of it has been paid back. Perhaps he needs to invest in a budgeting app or similar so that he can keep track of these 'unexpected utility bills' (which is a nonsense in itself as all utility bills are known about when they are due to land on your hall floor!) so that he doesn't have to keep borrowing from family? Oh, and the answer is no. He's not 'borrowing' from your son because he has a track record of not paying outstanding debts back!

MangoBiscuit · 16/06/2022 08:54

Cheeky fucking dickhead. No.

Naunet · 16/06/2022 08:55

Glad you are going to say no. What a useless, shameful excuse for a father this man is.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 16/06/2022 09:02

Say no.

Put it in a childrens ISA you'll get better interest on it

OhamIreally · 16/06/2022 09:09

He's still financially abusing you.

He intends to financially abuse your children.