To not lend ds savings?

[FanFanFanFee]

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

Sorry ... your question is ... should I steal from my son to give the money to an ex-lover of mine?

Please get some counselling because even having to ask that is disturbing. There are some co-dependencies there that you haven't dealt with, but you really need to, or your next boyfriend will be just as exploitative.

Oh the answer is 'no, you shouldn't steal from your child'

No you mustn't lend it, but you also need to get DC's money into accounts in their names. You might need to be named as trustee while they are young, but this needs to be in separate accounts. If, for example, you owed money, while it's in your account this would be considered your money and would need to be paid to your creditors.

Nope. It's not his money, he chose to give it to your DS.

Why are even having this sort of relationship with him? Where he feels he can even ask?

You need to sets boundaries quickly. Stop talking to him. And when you have to, keep it relevant to your child

The relationship is over isn't it? If so, act like it and cut him off from you as far as is possible

Agree with this - you can open a bank account for a baby, there's no such thing as them being 'too young'.your ex shouldn't be asking for the money but if I were him I wouldn't be happy it's sitting in your account - like him you could be tempted to spend it, especially as you have commented you don't have a lot of spare money yourself.

Do not do this.

Do not let him pressure your son into lending him money, now or in the future. If he ever asks your any of the children, make it clear to them this is wrong. Don’t be polite about it. You have to teach them to stand up to him.

That would be a big fat no from me!

I think you probably could find out how much you transferred to each child from statements etc but that’s irrelevant.

Everything you’ve written suggests that if you ‘lend’ him the money you (your DC rather) will never see it again.

You can’t lend someone else’s money without telling them, that called stealing. Tell this arsewipe to get lost.

Tell him to take it out of his repayments to your parents…. No way!

No way. Tell him it’s invested in an ISA and you can’t access it. How much is in there is irrelevant. He is a CF. Send him a link to citizens advice debt and the open university free personal finance course. His life administration, or lack there of, is not your problem.

Nope. Absolutely not.

I do not lend him the money

First thing I would do is open your kids a bank account and No, I would not give it your ex because he can't budget properly, it is not like he had a huge medical bill it is an utility bill. Just curious what will happen if your son ask you for the money as you said you can't afford to give it to your ex, your son's money shouldn't be in your account.

I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

Open an account in trust, DC had them from they were babies.

www.santander.co.uk/personal/current-accounts/123-mini-current-account

Needless to say, don’t lend him the money.

No he can't have it, but nor am I entirely convinced that your children's money from him is safe from you.

Do you honestly have it still? There is absolutely no reason for you not have put it in accounts for them, and having it in your account is high risk for it being frittered away. Have you actually written down how much each child has, and have you honestly not spent a penny of it?

Exactly this.

I felt like I was reading about my own ex here who also 'borrowed' from my parents & never repaid; was - still is - massively financially abusive; and uses money to control us.

This week he took money my two DS were given by a relative of his as well as birthday money from his mother to one DS. It will never be seen again.

Do not give him anything; don't even discuss it. And well done to your DS for being so sensible!

this!

why are you even engaging in any texting back and forth with him?

shut him down, say no and remind him he fleeced your parents

I'm now imagining an OP where someone has given an ex money for their child's savings and has just found out that they never opened the savings accounts and have that money on their own account still.

Op it is not your money to lend, and why does ex want you to keep it quiet from your son?
Could it be because he would never pay it back and you would have to explain why you stole your owns sons money.
Tell your ex to fuck right off and as pp have said the utility company will accept plan payments.
Please Please op do not take your sons money

The money is in a separate account - not with my day to day money. I can transfer it into my main account easily whenever my son wants to spend it.

I have not got a spare £150 in my budget - so if I had leant ds money to ex and then ds decided he wanted to spend it I wouldn't be able to easily just take £150 from my budget for him to use.

Regardless - I have got my answer and I will be saying no to ex. Whoever asked - yes financial was not the only abuse, no we're not in a relationship, having been very very low contact with ex for years I have recently went trying to be more open in communication for the sake of the children, but I still obviously have some issues in being confident and sure that my instincts and boundaries are correct.

This way to manage the dc money arose because my eldest has fairly severe behavioural issues and is not NT, and we cannot keep cash in the house safely. So I keep a record on my phone of the dc pocket money, which is a note on my notes app that I update each week with each dc pocket money but I only keep the current total - not a history of what has come in and gone out. It works for us right now, because I always have to hand how much each has, and if they want to spend some I just pay and update their total (none yet go out alone).

It may be time to look at individual savings accounts for them - ds has been umming and erring about spending his money on various large Lego sets etc since Xmas but has so far not decided on anything so his savings total has crept up and up as he's not spending, but in general it's only small amounts in my pocket money note.

Get it into a delayed access account in their own names.

You need to look into the type of accounts you can open for children. Especially if they are old enough to decide for themselves when they want to spend it.
Both mine have one that I control until they are 18, this is longer term savings but both also have an account they get their spending money etc into that for the youngest I can view and for the teen, it’s his to own. No need to have the money sat in your account or to manually ‘track’ what’s in there. Plus your missing out on kids getting a higher tax free interest rate.

No, it's not his money.