To not lend ds savings?

[FanFanFanFee]

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

Absolutely fucking not.

The scruffy rat is trying to take his own childs money.

Disgusting.

Why is it your account and not the kids own?

You can open accounts for babies so the age thing doesn't sound right.

Your children of any age can have a bank account.

go and open one for each child today and transfer in their relevant totals. It’s not for you to have in your account either.

in regards to their father tell him no he can’t have it simple as that. He gave it as a gift and you also won’t be hiding it from your son that he wants to borrow it. Alternatively tell hi. You will be willing to lend him the money when he has already reload all the money he owes! (Or your parents)

if you give your sons money, which you have no right to do, you will never see it again and you will be forced to pay it, so have effectively paid your ex’s bill for him. It will also start a trend you don’t want to carry on!

If you found it useful, then yes, this would be a good idea.
You are in a different place now to when you were when you first did it. You will see how far you have come, but also be reminded of others things - things you might not have been able to acknowledge or understand at the time.

You sound smart and clearly have your children's best interest at heart, but your ex still has a hold over a part of you (no judgement, I've been there...still struggle).

For sure.

Ha! Tell him to ask again when he's paid off his debts to your parents. Then still no.

As an adult surely he can

Sell something
Work overtime
Get a bank loan
Borrow from friends & family
Yesterday, I drive past a huge high street pawn broker ahop

All before borrowing from a child ?

Your children can have their own accounts. You need to set them up in their name with you as responsible person to lodge money and withdraw it if they want to purchase anything. And point out to your ex that once he gives a gift he has no say over what happens to it.

Tell him to jog on. It would set a precedent for him to endlessly look to ‘dip in’

He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back.

...and you reply "you mean like you paid my parents back?"

I'd never lend someone my child's savings. The fact your ex is even thinking of doing this is abhorrent.

My grandad used to raid his daughters' money boxes for money to go to the pub on quite a regular basis and then later on sold a few of his daughter's (my DM's) very expensive German made china dolls and some Steiff teddy bears that she'd got as a child for Christmas/birthday from Germany - when she was an adult.

Grandad had come from a very wealthy family abroad who fell on hard times and considered it his right to live well for free (off his daughters/get reduced rent or whatever with his landlady) and he had work (so would sweet talk bank into giving him loans/credit cards etc which he couldn't afford and daughters had to bail him out). He was offered the chance by his landlady to buy a big Clapham Common house which he could have afforded but preferred to spend the money down the pub! He was in an unhappy marriage though.

Obviously you can't steal money from your kids to give to your ex.

You need to open savings accounts for them ASAP, you can do so from birth, they're not too young. They can get a decent (comparatively) interest rate.

Just say no

He doesn't want the money for a bill. He just wants a good time this lovely sunny weekend. He knows you won't give it for that purpose so he's trying to emotionally blackmail you by saying it's for a bill.

My ex stole money from our DC’s money box, then lied about it, right up to when I told him I knew how much had been in there and how many coins were all that was left. My DC will never get that money back, as I can’t replace it. Don’t let it happen to your DC.

My DD was friends with a boy who was financially abused by his father. 'Borrowing' money (never to be repaid), requiring him (16 year old, still in full time school, with a very part-time job) to buy the groceries, and pay the bills - because if he didn't, his little sister would have to go without. Crying at him, and threatening suicide, if he tried to say no.

I've never met that man, but I hate him with every fibre of my being. Who does that to their kids?

Simple answer - No. Don't do it.

I assume he doesn't pay regularly? Get that sorted too.

Absolutely do not!

Omg tell him to do one!!! Do not go behind your sons back. Its not ex's money at all! What a selfish

er no way

my dad was always dong this an i lived with him put money in then took it out for bills

On previous threads like this, people have said it's in the interests of the child to have bills paid etc but I disagree. It's the child's money and parents leave it alone.

A pp said her parents did this and she didn't get the money back. Same happened to my SIL and she didn't get the money back either.

Yeah because poor old men are completely incapable of setting up bank accounts themselves, they just have to send the money to the nearest female and dictate that she do it 🙄

Glad you're saying no to this.

I've lent money to my ex in the past when he gave me the excuses that he'd lose his house and wouldn't be able to have the boys over.

The first loan he did eventually pay back (when his wife came into inheritance), but not the interest he'd promised me.

The second loan he stopped paying back after a few months with no excuse or explanation. It was money I had available and only lent him because it felt good to be in a position to do so.

He's since asked for even more money (after telling me he'd be able to release some of his pension which would solve all his money woes, but just not yet…) and got a flat no.

Ds1 stayed with him for four years while at Uni and was charged rent at a higher value than I thought fair for someone who'd given up paying maintenance when they were still young plus the loan, but at least that was something ds1 negotiated independently. None of this secret accessing of savings.

Stick to your guns.

That’s why my son didn’t have his own account for a long time. I first noticed exH was stealing DS money, he claimed in court I had taken it myself and then as soon as the divorce went through he changed DS’ child trust to his name. And this was a guy on a 6 figure salary.

It is too much pressure for the kids, please ignore anyone telling you to open accounts for the kids, in these circumstances it is much better that you are in the middle acting as a buffer between irresponsible dad and the kids.

Ok, I have said no. He's is now saying

A) that he wants to speak to ds directly about his money, what ds is saving for and when ds thinks he'll spend it. Obv I will not facilitate such a call but they have a regular call every Sunday.

B) some contact dates were agreed in advance and written into the CAO we have. One of these dates is the upcoming July contact. 2 of the dc are doing a dance club at school which culminates in a performance which they are both super excited about being part of. The performance falls on this prearranged contact weekend. As soon as I got the date I told ex and said please could we move contact to either the weekend before or the weekend after. He said we could but he never got around to agreeing which weekend it would be. He is now saying that unless I hand over ds money he will 'stick to the dates in the order' and the dc will have to miss their performance.

I know that he is completely out of order on both points, but I also don't know wth to do about it?