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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend ds savings?

220 replies

FanFanFanFee · 16/06/2022 00:07

Ex gave ds money for Xmas and ds has saved it, and added to it by also saving all of his pocket money, so that he currently has a good amount saved. He has been considering spending some of it recently but so far hasn't.

Ds lives with me and sees ex once a month (exs choice) and I look after his savings for him.

Ex has just texted me asking lots of questions about ds savings, how much it is, is he saving for anything specific etc, and how much did he give ds for Xmas (I don't know - he also gave the other dc random amounts of money and just transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated as the money sits in my account because they are too young to have their own yet)

He has then said he has received an unexpected utility bill and he has to borrow the money from ds but ds mustn't know about it. He says he can get the money from his own savings at the end of the month and will then pay ds back. He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it.

I'm very reluctant to do this because
A) it is ds money and I don't think doing it behind his back is right
B) I don't have the money myself so if I lend it to ex and then ds wants to spend it he won't be able to until ex pays it back - which would be very unfair and basically penalising ds for having been sensible and saving his money
C) ex has form for being very unreliable re. Money. He was financially abusive while we were together and also borrowed thousands from my parents which he has never and will never pay back

Surely his utility company would be open to waiting until the end of the month for him to pay if he explains that he needs to give that much notice to withdraw the money from his savings account?

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

OP posts:
echt · 16/06/2022 01:08

Not only is he out of order in every respect I can think of, if he has savings he can dip into at the end of the month, he can dip in now, surely?

ProfessorFusspot · 16/06/2022 01:25

He is demanding £150 tomorrow and says that it is his money because he gave it to ds and ds hasn't spent it. This is illogical. It was a Christmas present. If he'd given him a laptop or a bicycle or a jumper, would that also be "his" as long as his son still had it?

If he wants to borrow the money from his son, he should ask his son if he can borrow it. He's probably trying to avoid a late fee, which I can understand, but his history of failing to pay money back makes it a less than straightforward request even made directly to the money's owner.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/06/2022 01:57

You have a few options here. You can say:

  1. Hell, no!
  2. It is not your money to lend, it is DS’s. (I don’t recommend this - he may put pressure on DS).
  3. Aww, shucks, you would but it is tied up in a long term deposit account, not instant access savings.
frazzledasarock · 16/06/2022 02:18

Tell him you’ll lend it to him right after he pays your parents back.

id stop telling him anything about yours or your childrens finances as he clearly sees it as money he can fritter away.

timeisnotaline · 16/06/2022 02:25

That money was a gift to ds, it’s not your money anymore. I will next lend you money after you’ve paid my parents back. I’m sure they will let me know when that happens.

babyfrenchie · 16/06/2022 02:28

NOPE!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/06/2022 03:25

Was financially the only way you were abused? Because you sound like you think your ex still has power.

ZekeZeke · 16/06/2022 03:39

The money is sitting in your account?
Firstly, I would open junior accounts in the CS's own names.it shouldn't be sitting in your account.

ZekeZeke · 16/06/2022 03:41

DC's

I'm not even going to bother responding to the question AIBU as you know the answer!

ohmygloshes · 16/06/2022 03:53

Exactly as everyone else has said. Do not let him pressure you, he won't pay it back. Do not turn paying back your son your problem once he defaults. Definitely no. Use any of the above excuses but a definite no is a must.

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/06/2022 04:10

How low do you have to be to take your child's money?

When I was 15 my dad stole my paper round money I'd be saving that summer from all the extra holiday cover rounds I did;it was about £50;he told me my parents needed to "borrow" it for food shopping;I never saw it again.

LoudSnoringDog · 16/06/2022 04:23

No

tell him to piss off!

Wallywobbles · 16/06/2022 04:28

It's difficult to see for you because of the history but the answer is no.

I'd say "you need to arrange a payment plan with the utility company. It is unfortunate but utilities have gone up and you should have been aware as it's been very much in the media. That his track record with repayment mens that you will not ever lend him your money or that of the childrens. And you would advise them the same."

Do not apologize. If that doesn't work then get angry and tell him he has sunk to a new low. Stealing off his kids isn't acceptable. And that he still owes your parents money so perhaps he's like to remove that from his savings too.

icklekid · 16/06/2022 04:55

💯 say no like others have said but also the children aren’t too young - we get far better interest on their savings accounts than mine! So if the money isn’t just pocket money but their savings do look at options for them moving forward!!

expat101 · 16/06/2022 04:58

Ditto that he makes re-payment arrangements with the utility company, but my guess any funds you might consider giving him, won't be going there at all!

reading your post reminded me of a couple of messages on messenger I recently received. Both were can we lend X amount to past employee to buy a car so he will turn up for work... both times I said no. A quick search on FB found him selling cars in the next township, apparently has plenty more to sell!

Some people really take the piss.

TigerLilyTail · 16/06/2022 05:09

I'd be wary of making an excuse because people like this don't give up easily.

Just tell him no, it isn't happening and he should be ashamed of himself for asking. Don't discuss it further with him.

Darbs76 · 16/06/2022 05:12

Absolutely not. It is not his money as he gifted it in the first place. That’s like me giving my friend £20 for her birthday but saying she must give it back 6 months later as she hasn’t spent it and I need to borrow it. Just say no as he’s planning to spend it soon and you’re not penalising him for saving his money.

Eviebeans · 16/06/2022 05:16

He is an ex - you don't need to respond to his texts

Darbs76 · 16/06/2022 05:17

Also the children are not too young for their own accounts. Mine have had savings accounts from birth. Get them set up with their own accounts

Welshrarebit75 · 16/06/2022 05:24

Nope, no chance.

SingleMomIreland · 16/06/2022 05:50

There are numerous things wrong with this post.

  1. it's a flat out no to lending your financially abusive EX any money.
You know full well he won't give it back for all the reasons you've listed. As a pp poster had said, No is a complete sentence and ask him when hes paying your parents back.
  1. Utility bills aren't unexpected, they arrive like clockwork. It maybe higher than he expected, but he is by far not the only person struggling to pay it, so they will wait until the end of the month. I'd be tempted to send him the number for MABS.
  2. It's not your money to lend, so you will be stealing from your son.
  3. Children can absolutely have their own bank accounts. My one year old has a bank account (she can't access until she's 16, but I can withdraw on her behalf,), premium bonds, which are a great option ad there's monthly prize draw and a children's ISA. The latter 2 options make it a bit more tricky to access savings, but if your son is inclined enough to save, they may suit him.
  4. You say 'he transferred a lump sum to me for them all which I shared out into their savings at the time', - you've said they don't have any savings account as they're too young!
You go on to say 'but didn't keep any record of - I just keep each dc current total updated' - that's a contradiction in itself. You didn't keep a record of it, but keep their total updated. I'd be very suprised if you know how much your children have saved.

The best thing would be to withdraw savings immediately and put into a piggy bank for each of them if you don't want to get them their own account.
If you are absolutely adamant to keep their money in your account, start a simple log in a notebook or excel spreadsheet about what each has.

I'm not sure what age your D.C. are, but a GoHenry card is another option.

I'm sorry to sound preachy, this isn't intended, but you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be, and your children are potentially missing out on their rightful savings.

Finally, your ex has NO right to the money he has gifted. I'd make sure in future he doesn't ask the children when they're old enough to lend money, because they may feel sorry for him and given It.

thatslow · 16/06/2022 06:00

NO! It’s not his money and it’s not your money to lend give. Also why is he insistent on keeping it secret from son? Is that for when he doesn’t pay it back and you end up having to explain where the money is gone?

lisavanderpumpscloset · 16/06/2022 06:05

AIBU to not feel comfortable lending ds money in this way?

Yes. YABU to feel anything at all.

It isn't your money. It isn't his money.

It's DS's money.

Say NO. What's he going to do? Rob the bank?

mnnewbie111 · 16/06/2022 06:10

It's not for a utility bill.

lassof · 16/06/2022 06:17

Sorry ... your question is ... should I steal from my son to give the money to an ex-lover of mine?

Please get some counselling because even having to ask that is disturbing. There are some co-dependencies there that you haven't dealt with, but you really need to, or your next boyfriend will be just as exploitative.

Oh the answer is 'no, you shouldn't steal from your child'

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