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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The older I get, the less responsibility I want, is this normal ?

207 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 15/06/2022 19:49

Does this seem normal to you ?
im mid 40s

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/06/2022 09:56

Perfectly normal. I’m 59 and only do what I actually want to now.

warofthemonstertrucks · 23/06/2022 11:21

Very much me too. I'm 43 and I manage care homes. I've been doing it since I was 25 so hypothetically I can do it standing on my head, but I've lost my mojo to the point where I just don't want the responsibility of it anymore. If I could afford it I'd drop back to being a support worker quite happily. But I can't lose my wage.

I'm sure it's a combination of peri, pandemic burn out, dealing with highly stressful situations with my teen daughter'smental health and a protracted court case with DH's ex wife re custody of our DSS's... I'm miserable and I can't be bothered with anything. Even the dogs feel like a huge bind and a responsibility too many.
I don't know how to get out of this rut at all.

LoobyDop · 23/06/2022 11:49

Completely agree with everyone else, I’ve felt like this since I was about 40. I think you realise that climbing the ladder and “leadership” largely involves being a front for other people’s shit decisions, and absorbing other people’s egos. And who wants to do that? Also you get to the point where you don’t need the external validation, so you’re less prepared to put up with the shit in return for the status.

Criket86 · 23/06/2022 11:58

@warofthemonstertrucks I hear quite often that people feel "stuck in a rut." Heck, I also feel stuck at times! But I find that eventually, every rut fills itself and life continues.

My best advice to anyone stuck in a rut (especially when it is caused by going through a divorce or navigating any of life's major obstacles) is to acknowledge the situation, which you have done, and then try to look at it from a new perspective, try to learn something about "you."

A divorce can actually be an enlightening chapter in life...opportunities arise that open a widow and provide insight into the past, present and future.

Divorce is actually a chance to "reboot"...change the things we do not like regarding the kind of person we have become; fix important things in our lives that have somehow become damaged or neglected; evaluate our priorities and re-align with updated goals if needed; experience things we otherwise would never have thought might be possible; and even take some new risks.

Divorce is a game changer. It gives us the chance to "lessen responsibility" to others, which is essentially what this post is addressing and actually "re-choose" the experiences in our lives that are truly important to each of us, as individuals.

Don't think of this phase in your life as being "stuck in a rut." Think of it as your chance to learn about whom you have enabled yourself to become and then find a new balance in your life, putting in check the "stuff" you want to change.

Love and romance will visit you again, but why rush it? First you need to nurture your mind and soul, lessen your responsibility to the world and focus on the one variable you alone can control...YOU!

Loobylye · 23/06/2022 12:18

I understand totally ...I'm in the process of moving to my own place in a different part of the country after leaving a dreadful relationship, my new home is in a quiet village down south, I've decided to totally simplify my life, I want a job purely to pay the bills as I have no ambition left now at 58, a peaceful lifestyle without the stress of having to please someone else all the time and after a lifetime of caring for other people just be able to please myself, and I will not allow myself to feel guilty in any way whatsoever no matter how selfish others may think I am.

PoseyFlump · 23/06/2022 15:40

@Loobylye sounds wonderful, you will make us all jealous! Wine

Loobylye · 23/06/2022 15:48

Thanks @PoseyFlump....and bless your heart ...but if you'd known what it's taken to get here you wouldn't envy me one bit 🤣

zingally · 23/06/2022 17:16

I'm the same.

I'd say the last 4 years, I've completely lost interest in a "career" as such. I just want to turn up, do my work, leave and forget about it.

PoseyFlump · 23/06/2022 17:20

@Loobylye I think I can have a good guess! You deserve it, enjoy it! I'm not a fan of that saying 'live your best life' but I think it's going to fit the next chapter for you Flowers

Loobylye · 23/06/2022 17:50

@PoseyFlump....Thanks my love...I will ensure that it is and here's hoping yours is everything you want it to be too 💕

PoseyFlump · 23/06/2022 17:53

Aaww thanks @Loobylye I'll get there in the end! 😊

Moonface123 · 23/06/2022 17:58

The simple life is the better life, l am 53 and keep life as low stress/ drama as l can. l live mostly in my own little bubble with 2 sons, surround myself with my beloved pets, books and plants, not lacking anything, its a lovely way to live.

Madamecastafiore · 23/06/2022 18:09

Totally, fed up with being responsible for me, DH and the kids so I'm slowly passing everything over to DH and only step in when he messes up. It's liberating, like being 9 years old all over again!

Ticktockbigclock · 23/06/2022 18:13

To be honest I can't be bothered having another child just because I can't be bothered if that makes sense.

PoseyFlump · 23/06/2022 18:15

Absolutely @Moonface123 (username a reference to the magic faraway tree?)

And lockdown taught us all how much stuff we don't need!

Gbtch · 23/06/2022 18:21

Agree with all posts here. I’m just trying to shake off cleaning and cooking now!

ImAvingOops · 23/06/2022 19:27

I'm a sahm and have been raising children for the past 25 years. The youngest is 14. My dc are quite needy still, which I did not anticipate - I thought that by the time they were in their 20s they'd all be living independently and he settled in their careers and relationships. But it hasn't turned out like that. I adore them but I'm so tired of active parenting.
I think this coincided with peri menopause but even HRT hasn't given me back my mojo. I just cba to do anything.
And I want my house to not be filled up with other peoples clutter - I'm fed up of storing all their stuff until they properly move out, as well as having dead mils stuff that dh isn't ready to get rid of, and all his old uni shit that he won't bin. It's cluttering up my mind!
I just want to please myself now tbh and not be thinking about what everyone is having for dinner and whether they have clean shirts etc.

Comedycook · 23/06/2022 20:32

ImAvingOops · 23/06/2022 19:27

I'm a sahm and have been raising children for the past 25 years. The youngest is 14. My dc are quite needy still, which I did not anticipate - I thought that by the time they were in their 20s they'd all be living independently and he settled in their careers and relationships. But it hasn't turned out like that. I adore them but I'm so tired of active parenting.
I think this coincided with peri menopause but even HRT hasn't given me back my mojo. I just cba to do anything.
And I want my house to not be filled up with other peoples clutter - I'm fed up of storing all their stuff until they properly move out, as well as having dead mils stuff that dh isn't ready to get rid of, and all his old uni shit that he won't bin. It's cluttering up my mind!
I just want to please myself now tbh and not be thinking about what everyone is having for dinner and whether they have clean shirts etc.

Parenthood is lengthy...more so nowadays I think. Decades ago, many people left school at 16 and went straight into work and married young. My DH was born in the seventies...he left home and lived independently from 17/18 yeas old. His mum didn't do much else for him after that. Nowadays they remain at home for vast majority of their twenties. I'm not sure it's actually the best thing. My own parents died when I was young but I've been quite shocked at how much my friends have depended on their parents well into their 20s/30s.

dolphinsarentcommon · 23/06/2022 20:35

I feel like I've ran out of responsibility.

I've done children, pets, elderly parents, a demanding career.

All I want now is a quiet life and to do as I please.

Soccermumamir · 25/10/2022 20:36

Hi,
I'm feeling the same way at the moment. I'm 38 with 2 children. It's not my home life, I love looking after the boys and our cat and OH works good hours too.

It's my career. I am currently in a job that can be very stressful most days. Micro managing 70 staff and you take a lot of abuse and their worries and concerns etc. It can really you drag you down. I work with some lovely people, but didn't realise I would end up being a counsellor for most of our staff. In a bit of rock and hard place at the moment and feel my mental health is dwindling.

NeelyOHara1 · 25/10/2022 20:54

There's responsibility which seems to come with golden hello's and golden parachutes and there's responsibility which seems to come with blame, censure and sacking. People are getting wise to this.

mycatisannoying · 25/10/2022 22:23

Renniesfixeverything · 15/06/2022 20:16

Honestly? I can't wait for teen DC to finish growing up and have already vowed no more pets because I cannot wait to be free of being responsible for them all. I'm 47, very definitely perimenopausal and it would appear the idea that you lose your desire to nurture as hormone levels decline is true in my case.

Holy shit, I have found my twin. Honestly could have written this myself.

BogRollBOGOF · 25/10/2022 22:52

Early 40s. I've got a pretty easy ride really, but I feel constantly compromised by family life. Not helped by a child with additional needs. Not helped by years of no baby-sitting for an escape away from parenting for longer than a school day.

I think lockdowns were a major factor. 6 solid months of absolutely no time away from family. Hotly followed by the fucking tiers and more months of lockdown. I spent spring/summer 2021 feeling numb. Add in a run of shit luck in 2022 (including a long string of family health and breavement issues) this year and I'm still past being able to look forwards to anything and feel excitement. If it's not happening in the next 24 hours, I don't believe it will happen.

I dream about packing a rucksack and buggering off into the mountains with a tent for a few days to please myself.

I miss hedonism.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 26/10/2022 08:02

I can’t even be bothered with houseplants because that would mean the responsibility of watering them. We’re lucky that we have a campervan and escaping in it, with very little but the basics makes me realise how much clutter and shit we have in our day to day lives (and I’m very minimalist) that needs constant management. A trip in the campervan, wandering at will, following the good weather and dinner consisting of whatever is in a local Nisa shop is utter bliss. I long for a tiny house, by the sea with a sitting out bit and hardly any garden. I’m on the home run as it were with youngest due to leave next year but still have one elderly parent, a spider plant and a cat to look out for.

fetchacloth · 26/10/2022 12:01

dolphinsarentcommon · 23/06/2022 20:35

I feel like I've ran out of responsibility.

I've done children, pets, elderly parents, a demanding career.

All I want now is a quiet life and to do as I please.

I really wish I was you, I'm jealous 😉

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