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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The older I get, the less responsibility I want, is this normal ?

207 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 15/06/2022 19:49

Does this seem normal to you ?
im mid 40s

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 16/06/2022 22:01

Hagiography · 15/06/2022 21:21

Oh, apparently it's a whole Jungian thing:

'The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.'

Oh wow - I thought it was just me Op. I'm mid-40s and feel the same as you. Perhaps it is a Jungian thing for me!

Want2beme · 16/06/2022 22:20

ZaraSizeMedium, I'm in the process of Death Cleaning. I'm itching to get into the loft, but can't manage that at the moment. I couldn't imagine having a high pressured job now. I do work for myself, but will be finishing up come September.

Octopus47 · 16/06/2022 22:21

I'm torn, I'm really realizing that. I feel that I've failed cause I haven't had a proper career and I've never been a high earner. I've spent some money on courses to try to get into other things, but it hasn't really worked out so far. I've got a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old, the 12-year-old is being pretty difficult at the moment. I also have an elderly Father who comes to stay with us regularly. On the one hand I'm fucked off with responsibility getting in the way of me achieving anything. If I ever get to the position of having more time, tbh I don't think I'll have the energy. I'm starting to look forward to potentially being in my 50s with much less responsibility.

daffodilandtulip · 16/06/2022 22:54

I was a nurse / manager. I just sat there one day (I was late 30s) and said "I can't do this for the next 20 odd years." I resigned and set up my own business. It's very successful but I know how much I need to earn to pay everything and have fun etc, and refuse any work after that.

Gbtch · 16/06/2022 23:01

What an interesting thread. I’m 62. I feel the same. Spent all my life trying to please or help others. Thoroughly enjoyed being a mum. Kids now independent adults. I’m retired. Parents passed away, dad after years of self neglect and drinking, demanding a lot of my time. Have had pets that I adored and a very stressful job. So happy to be free of it all now. No GC yet and never ever do I ask my kids if they will ever produce any.
only mistake was moving to larger house on retirement as only one available where we wanted to live ( moved out of city) but I can live with that. Dust only gets so deep before it falls off!

BDeyes · 17/06/2022 00:20

OMG so glad you started this thread OP as I thought it was just me being a lazy selfish cow! I'm mid 40s and just can't be arsed anymore but I feel quite bad about it as my youngest dc is only 9. I no longer enjoy or can be arsed with doing "kiddy stuff" I sometimes wish they'd just grow up and go off and do their own thing and look after themselves but I feel so bad for feeling that way and typing it on here. I'm not interested in ever having grandchildren couldn't be bothered with being expected to babysit them etc. maybe there's some truth in the decline of the nurturing urge or hormone as we get older. I am currently caring for a parent with dementia though so that has heaped enough stress, pressure and responsibility on me to last me a lifetime. So I feel I've had enough with everything else and wish everyone would just fk off and sort themselves out as the mental load is horrendous sometimes. Even things like, why can no fker else in the house decided what they want to eat for dinner they just say "I don't know whatever you are making". so I'm even responsible for deciding what everyone else wants to eat! could fkin scream sometimes. I want to run away to a tranquil retreat in the woods just me and my little dog.

mycatisannoying · 17/06/2022 00:21

I feel the same. Roll on retirement, sans children and pets. Bliss Grin

Grrrrdarling · 17/06/2022 01:09

Vapeyvapevape · 16/06/2022 21:55

This is so interesting and has really made me think, especially what @Criket86 said and @Grrrrdarling question about the context of responsibility.

For me , it's an emotional thing , coupled with worry . I don't want to get emotionally involved with anything or anyone (apart from those already in my life ) because then I care and when I care, I worry .

I used to be the queen of fluff it, always on the go & had my little OCD thing but nothing like now. Now is crazy & distressing 😬
My OCD revolves around doing things just right & doing things in a certain way & having things just so, which is very hard when you are living with CFS & fibro which prevent you from doing everything you need & want to 😢Anytime I deviate from my OCD way something always goes wrong or I forget something important.
I suffer with panic attacks & anxiety on top of the OCD & was diagnosed with fibro & CFS in August 2019 which is the result of the 110hr traumatic labour (thankfully I had very little pain), emergency c-section & contracting e-coli from the surgery when my DD was born at end of 2011.
I now have very little energy for anything.
Most if my time is now taken up helping friends out with childcare after school, providing transport to friends for hospital appointments, trying to go to the gym more than once a week for a very gentle work out & trying to do something at home to deal with the chaos that being unable to do a lot has left me living with.
I wish I could pass the responsibility of sorting the house out to someone else but I can’t 😒
As for a career I’ve never even thought about it after I hit 20. I thought about it before then but after 20 I had to get a job to pay bills so that is what I did. I’ve had a few jobs but I’ve just always just gone to work, socialised a bit then got paid. I never wanted to move up or anything like that because depression & anxiety meant I was off sick quite a bit & told me I wasn’t capable.
Now I don’t know if I will ever work again but I feel like my life is just passing
me by.
I don’t really like socialising now as it tires me out really quickly so my contacts are mainly a 3/4 mum friends & few good friends who I met through other avenues.
we chat at the gates, do the gym & sometimes go for breakfast. Friends come round mine as it is less tiring for me & I can get comfortable more easily at home.

LesGiselle · 17/06/2022 01:35

I’m self employed so no career ladder as such but I’ve started refusing work that causes too much aggravation

Same. I even get slightly irritated that people want me to work for them at all Grin

expat101 · 17/06/2022 02:33

I agree although i think I lost my mojo along the way, burn out or whatever its called...

I have a bunch of oldies turning up tomorrow for a cup of tea and I presume this means presentation of some sort of brunch, I don't know any of them, but former friends of DH's parents and old locals on a walking tour.

Once upon a time it wouldn't have concerned me, but I really cannot be arsed which would be rude. Why have these ''friends'' not bothered to be in contact before, and ask me over for a cuppa or brunch?

A bit selfish I know but I look back at the multiple christmas do's we used to host, revolving dinner parties, special 0 birthdays and I think no wonder I can't be arsed anymore to have a go... even the lawn mower has gone on strike.

Criket86 · 17/06/2022 03:30

Darling, I feel compelled to offer the following thoughts. Keep in mind, these are simply the thoughts of a stranger therefore, they might be of little value. The following may sound as though I am speaking in circles, however I am being very sincere!

OCDs indicate too much attachment to specific outcomes. Learning (and putting into daily practice) the ability to accept outcomes, regardless of their impact, will lessen the severity of the OCD.

In a sense, this entire post is about learning to let go of results...find meaning in the process and accept whatever colorful results present themselves. It is the same with shrugging responsibility. The reason we feel we are responsible is because we feel we can better control the outcomes...we alone can control the "results".

By letting go of that "obligation to be responsible to everyone else", we in turn become responsible primarily to ourselves. I am responsible for my happiness, my peace, my acceptance...NO ONE else. You alone are responsible for your peace & happiness, etc.

When you release your self-imposed expectations to please others, your OCDs will dwindle and no longer be a controlling factor in your day-to-day functions.

Disclaimer: To clarify, being a productive member of any society requires that we consider the "whole" when making choices regarding societal interaction. It is important to maintain the separation of internal peace and external peace. Complete self-centeredness in all of society will result in lawlessness, violence, jealousy and suffering.

Cervinia · 17/06/2022 04:06

Vapeyvapevape · 15/06/2022 20:18

I'm 57 and feel the same, my new boss is trying to 'develop' me , I told him I peaked years ago and would rather just get on with my job as it is.

This is me! 😃

Im 56, reduced my hours to 24, boss still keeps telling me I’m amazing and trying to develop my potential despite me cherry picking what I will and won’t do. I told him I intend to “retire” and leave in September and he constantly tries to make me change my mind.

I also don’t entertain anymore, don’t care what people think of me, and aren’t afraid to speak my mind. I say “no” more now than I have in my entire life.

All I want to do is go for walks, potter in my garden and cook lovely food.

PandorasMailbox · 17/06/2022 04:12

I'm in my 50s and after bringing up kids since my teens, plus being in an abusive marriage and a long-term relationship, I go out of my way to avoid any extra responsibility.

I'm happily single and love having nobody else to answer to. It's very liberating and I think, perfectly normal.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 17/06/2022 06:42

I've never wanted much responsibility.
I chose not to have kids because Im happy doing my own thing (with DH).
I've dodged line management responsibilities at work for my entire career. I've just left an employer because I was being forced towards a senior manager role with team leadership responsibilities that I don't want. I've never known someone take on more responsibility at work and seem happier for it!
I LOVE dog ownership - it's been an absolute joy every day for 12 years. We'll always have a dog, but never two at the same time - as the one suits me just fine.
I'm currently in the process of making our garden as low maintenance as possible.
I'm 38.

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 17/06/2022 08:27

I'm 42 and totally get this. Married but never wanted children as we enjoy our life and freedom. I have enough responsibility at work to make me passionate about it and keep it interesting but most days i can leave work and not worry about things.

Two cats but we won't get any more when they are gone.

PoseyFlump · 17/06/2022 09:28

@LovelyYellowLabrador thank you for starting this thread. I thought it was just me and I've been feeling guilty about considering what my life will be like after my elderly dogs are gone. I love them to bits but I can't leave them and so haven't had a holiday in years. I'd already decided not to get any more pets. Good to see we are not alone and this way of thinking is common, we just don't talk about it!

Notreallyhappy · 17/06/2022 11:29

Totally understand you..I'd just like it to be me & the Mr...no old folks or adult children to juggle..fed up with all of them stop the world I want to get off!!

AnnieSnap · 17/06/2022 13:21

This thread is such a joy to read. I have finally found my people 😌

fetchacloth · 17/06/2022 17:46

Cervinia · 17/06/2022 04:06

This is me! 😃

Im 56, reduced my hours to 24, boss still keeps telling me I’m amazing and trying to develop my potential despite me cherry picking what I will and won’t do. I told him I intend to “retire” and leave in September and he constantly tries to make me change my mind.

I also don’t entertain anymore, don’t care what people think of me, and aren’t afraid to speak my mind. I say “no” more now than I have in my entire life.

All I want to do is go for walks, potter in my garden and cook lovely food.

I'm wary of managers wanting to develop me😒.I'm late 50s so what's the point really.
Those managers really mean 'let's manage you out of your job and then get rid of you'. In other words set you up to fail so they simply have to let you go.
Yes I've had a bad day😫

Comedycook · 17/06/2022 17:56

Notreallyhappy · 17/06/2022 11:29

Totally understand you..I'd just like it to be me & the Mr...no old folks or adult children to juggle..fed up with all of them stop the world I want to get off!!

I know it sounds awful but my parents are dead...in all honesty the one silver lining is that when my Dc are adults, I won't have aging parents to deal with

33goingon64 · 17/06/2022 18:04

Yes me too, mid 40s. I have done lots of voluntary work as well as PT work and have given some of it up - though I'd like to keep the bits I enjoy most. I can't be doing with helping at school events. I can't bear it when DH asks me to cook at specific time because he wants to go out or come back late. Or have I seen his X, Y or Z. (Try looking in the huge pile of your crap in the spare room, darling). But I like having a pet and am happy to do things for my DC as they are still quite young.

EmmaH2022 · 17/06/2022 18:21

Comedy

I understand
I am grateful to be childfree and also, though I sometimes miss my dad, his only prospect of living till now would have been 24 hour care. Would have been awful for him as well as me. I'm glad he was a sprightly chap till the last few months and 80 is a good age IMHO.

I am grateful for my mum - I do feel the burden, but she is a lovely lovely person.

This thread is therapeutic. Thanks OP.

Nikkidolphin · 18/06/2022 10:05

Same here. I hit 50 this December and pre Covid I did 2 lots of voluntary work as well as working 3 long days and have 3 kids, hubby and cat although 2 kids now flown the nest. I have needy parents even though they are in relatively good health they constantly have a go at me for not going round enough. I actually enjoyed the not going anywhere during lockdown as I worked right though so could finish and chill. I dropped 1 voluntary role but made the fatal mistake of becoming a respite foster carer which was short lived as it made me poorly with stress. My aim for my 50’s is much more self care, mini breaks and less people pleasing and to win the lottery so I can retire…….

Twowilldo50 · 23/06/2022 07:59

Think there’s a Scandinavian thing called death cleaning which sounds scary, but I’ve been really enjoying it! Instead of leaving all your crap for your poor family to sort out, do it now and then enjoy living with your really nice, precious things with only important documents. Our son is disabled and I’m preparing to hand over some of that responsibility to social services and sorting out somewhere for him to live so we don’t get to the point of being unable to care for him AND us. And I’d do really like some space in our lives where I am not a carer for my mum (78) and mil (88) - I want some freedom and fun, ie not have the responsibility. But I feel guilty, after all it’s not their fault I’ve been a carer for 25 years already.

PoseyFlump · 23/06/2022 09:54

@Twowilldo50 that sounds really interesting, death cleaning, I guess it's what I'm thinking every time I look at all the junk in the loft! Have you come across any good websites or anything? Totally get the helping elderly parents. My siblings always let them down so I can't rely on them. I dont mind helping but it's easy to lose yourself.