The older I get, the less responsibility I want, is this normal ?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Does this seem normal to you ?
im mid 40s

Even Sheryl Sandberg can’t be arsed anymore

Absolutely. I've just talked myself put of a promotion at work. I love my clients, I take my responsibilities as they are very seriously. Being responsible for the next level up for a month meant I couldn't sleep, I was working twice as many hours as I was paid for minimum. Apparently I did a great job but I can't neglect my own family indefinitely for other people's!

All companies do this
it's so annoying
after x years, they just lumber you with more.

I was quite high up career wise at 28 (owned a hotel) then I had a breakdown. Left my job, got a job as a waitress, declined the supervisor position when offered and never felt more happy.

ib a completely different line of work now but still get panicky when I get promoted 😬

OMG, me too. I mean, I love them all to pieces, but I am so tired of being responsible for other being’s physical and emotional needs and bearing the consequences of their refusal to make sensible choices. I want to have friendships with people who are free to decide for themselves whether to use the bathroom before bed, and get up later by themselves if they stupidly refuse to when I go to bed.

I agreed to get a dog for my DD, but only if we rescued one who’s natural lifespan would be roughly the same as her childhood. When she’s 18, I’m putting ME first in all kinds of ways.

I’m going to say that I think it does have a lot to do with perimenopause and menopause.
I am nearly 60 now, I gave up working at 55 (as soon as I could) as I was completely overwhelmed both because of the demands of work as a senior leader, but also as I was a carer, sole breadwinner, effectively single parent etc. I had struggled since I was in my mid 40s and it got worse and worse. I ended up with depression and anxiety. I felt emotional stretched with the responsibility I had for so many people and things.

in hindsight, I would say that my emotional resilience and capacity for stress diminished through perimenopause ..part of makes sense I guess given what hormones do to the brains. But crucially I think I have become far more self centred and think that has to do with decrease in oestrogen etc. I would go so far as to say I have become more “male” in my attitude towards taking on a responsibility for others or accepting/volunteering to “pick up stuff” to help others. The “be kind” gene has been subdued and I’m less likely to say “yes” to all requests. I volunteer for stuff, and help people out but now it is because I want to rather than I feel pressured to by my own feelings of guilt and duty.

so, imho what you’re feeling is a natural phase of just getting a bit older. Happily it also coincides with kids getting more independent usually and that relationship of dependancy changing …that made a big difference to how overwhelmed I felt..kids leaving Uni and starting their own working lives and moving out properly .

I would say though. Whilst you may want less responsibility at work..try to stick it out maximimising your earning and saving potential. Women majorly under save for pensions. Make that a strong focus of why you need to continue to push yourself now even when you don’t want to. Invest as much as possible into your pension. When you do retire you will then stand more chance of having a lifestyle that you can enjoy and make up for this difficult period.

Another one here. I am 44 and I have simplified my life by leaving my husband (well going through divorce now), sold the big house, bought a lovely 2 bedroom flat in the city near most of my friends, kids have just finished school, one has moved away the other one going in September, I work 4 days a week in a not demanding job, do my own stuff 3 days a week. Most of the time it's just me, my youngest (who is 18), and my two dogs. I love it and I feel so relaxed and content.

I think people have, in the past, worried too much about ‘what other think of them and their achievements’. With the pandemic and the ‘loss of control’ people have realised collectively that ultimately it shouldn’t matter, or should matter ‘less’. I still let this bother me sometimes (far less than I did). Ultimately it doesn’t matter what others think (as long as your conscience is clear etc). What matters is how you feel. I, belatedly, am on the cusp of really making it work-wise. I am very much in the ‘but now I can, do I want to?’ Life is short and time seems to go faster and faster. I think if you can get in a position to do less and be comfortable and spend time
enjoying life more people now would say “bloody good luck to you”. That’s what I think. You can’t spend it when you’re dead and buried.

This is me too.

Dh and I have been talking about this a lot lately - since covid really.

Both mid 50s, his work role has always been full on corporate climbing the ladder, mine less of a career and more just fitting in with him and the dc. Now dc are all almost independent I thought I'd want to up my game but it's the exact opposite - I want to do the bare minimum to bring in the money and make the most of my downtime.

Dh's work shit on him a lot during covid and he's not really willing to push himself any further for the company than he has to now. His office closed permanently, he's losy perks such as company car, use of the gym and the social side has all but disappeared. For a while he was really down but now he's embraced wfh and can often be found wandering around the garden in between meetings and actually switches off from work at the weekends, which is a massive change.

We've done a big overhaul of finances and are looking at downsizing in the next few years to a cheaper area and living a simpler life.

The thought of the cat dying is horrendous and I always assumed we'd get another at some point, but reading some views here about the responsibility has got me thinking. I adore her but she needs a lot of time and attention and we have to plan fo her just to have a night away.

This has kind of become our mantra. It's funny but also quite deep!

I feel like this and I'm only 27. I'm just fed up of life, want to work less but realistically can't afford to in this climate. Have a decent job but it's not a career and it's going nowhere. This somewhat bothers me but then actually, I don't want to spend all my time at work! I need to get paid a little more and drop a day I think. Everything just feels thankless! I don't know what I'm aiming for really.

I'd like my own business in an ideal world, just do what I want. I'd have incentive to work hard then, I don't now! I just do what I need to do and go home.

I think I started to feel like this pre menopause.
Social Work with added Local Government nonsense was extremely demanding and much as I enjoyed the direct work with children and young people, the organisational stuff and office bullshit got harder and harder.
I did drop a couple of grades, to try and get back to the spirit of the job, but it wasn't enough to free up my time and my head.
Now I have retired, I feel as though I've got my life back. 🙂 Pottering and low key stuff, which I would never have thought was my thing. We're doing the fruit and vegetable gardening, local days out and I’m just about to restart Tai Chi, which I would never have fitted in before.

I felt like this early 40s. My son had left home, it was just me and the cat. I went self-employed at work and started living pretty much as I pleased.

For me the results were not good - I fell into substance addiction and with no responsibilities to employer or dependents, things got very grim and I was on the verge of losing everything including the roof over my head before seeking treatment for addiction.

I am now careful to arrange my time so that in addition to still being self-employed, I also have service commitments (basically volunteering) at various addiction support services, which keeps me close to the services, on track and giving back.

There is nothing wrong with getting shot of responsibilities which are onerous and stressful but for me it's essential to have something in my life that keeps me from pressing the "fuck it" button and blowing myself up.

100% up for a quiet life and the admin from DD’s school alone does my head in that’s before consider other life admin

EvenMore thank you for sharing and well done for getting treatment.

I feel there is a danger of this for me - I am not sure I would go the substance route but I suspect I could easily spend all day going down internet rabbit holes, eating crap and not doing anything healthy or productive.

I need to remember this when I daydream about having no responsibilities. They do keep me out of trouble!

Since I became a single mum I don't have the energy to be running round after people. I don't have the money, time or inclination to do alot of things so I don't. My time is precious.

Yep, zoomed up to the top of my career ladder at 28, spent four years burning myself out. Was offered the role of CEO twice. The natural next step would be to assume a similar role at a better company, but I just think... Meh.

I want to potter in the garden, to travel, and to chill out. To breed some children and raise them. Fortunately, I put the money I earned in the first ten years of my career to good use and we will be mortgage free by mid forties.

I'm happy to WORK but I'm done with the politics and the pointless bloody progress reviews and personal development plans.

I'm 40. I've never had a career. I have no desire to ever have one. I am intelligent and well educated. I definitely had the potential to be successful. I would rather potter around at home and bake cakes and read books. I absolutely hate being busy and any kind of stress

Totally normal, judging by the responses here.

I don't like adulting, never have. But for me its not so much about responsibility to care for or nurture others, pets, kids, husband, friends as it is about life admin.

I have never been career orientated but somehow my work dodging attitude is missed and every boss I have ever had has this near obsession with "developing your role" which is obviously in their interests as they wish to delegate more of their bullshit into my lap. My current job was meant to be easy, but somehow I have ended up with recruitment in my lap.....how one can go from managing a team to look after LAC on the day to day, to having to run DBS checks and take up references is beyond me, oh and payroll. Looking competent has its dangers. I can manage, but I resent trying to juggle too many conflicting responsibilities.

We are planning our next stage. A big move, change of lifestyle. I want to do fostering. I like having DC around and I am good at dealing with stroppy teens. DH will go part time and it will fall on him to deal with bills, life admin crap. I just want to do only the bit of adult life I'm good at and relax knowing I am not failing at the bits I'm resentful of. My own DC are still at home but they are 17 and 21. I don't mind being a parent, I do resent working and life admin though, that's the bit I aim to fix going forward.

Why are you asking? What's going on and what do you need to change.

Yes, I too have always been like this. Just can't stand the shit, and prefer non complicated easy things, friendships etc. I've only ever taken accounts jobs I like or have benefited from.

Same. I'm 40, have a three year old, should really be thinking about a promotion or moving company. But where I am is very flexible, I know the job, I just want to coast. Cba with all the career ladder stuff now.

All I ever wanted was a menagerie of animals. And horses. Then I got 4 kids and can’t even cope with a dog. So I’ve empty fields and stables.

I think a LOT of people have similar views since the pandemic. Kids too, which is why long term school absence has been so much in the news lately.

When I look back at my full time job some years back and think that now I really struggle to get my daughter to school on time 5 x week ( I have a long term illness though) and these days it all just seems so HARD.

I know IABU and feeling sorry for myself, I'm lucky I don't have to do full time hours any more. Maybe I'm getting older and the aches and pains are making me grumpy 🤔

I would also like to brag on this thread that when I got my big promotion, I used my powers to remove every last irritant about work.

Started casual dress.
Increased pay.
Reduced hours.
Got rid of personal development plans in favour of simply allowing people to state what projects they wanted to work on within the company plan and what training they wanted to do. Said yes wherever possible.
Got rid of micromanaging.
Initiated voluntary wfh pre pandemic.
Stripped away management based progress in favour of autonomy based progress (by which I mean when people were good at their job, they're not lumbered with the responsibility of managing others - the reward for talent was more ability to use that talent without supervision or direction).

Etc.

And the staff and the company THRIVED. They treated each other much better. They produced better work and all mucked in. They were fiercely loyal to us when others tried to poach them. Even for really dull things like GDPR, they knuckled down and took responsibility for executing it across all functions.

Turns out if you hire competent adults they self-manage.

When I look back at my full time job some years back and think that now I really struggle to get my daughter to school on time 5 x week ( I have a long term illness though) and these days it all just seems so HARD

I understand. I don't know how we used to come with life pre pandemic. Dh mainly WFH now but the other day he had to wear a suit and go into the office. It's felt like a big deal...I sad to him, just think you used to do this five days a week. Seems so strange now.