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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/06/2022 22:56

Isn't the fact nobody has really commented not tell you something though? Why have you asked various people their opinion anyway? I'd be wondering if you were prone to dramatics just going on your post.

I'd have a mull and think about if there is any truth in what she's said.

Stupidpeoplesuck · 14/06/2022 22:57

For someone to say that, it’s possible you naturally make conversations about you and your life. Lots of people do it, some just to make conversation, but others can find it really annoying. Just try to think more about what you say during conversations, and ask more questions instead of sharing your views/experience.
Given the topic though, your friend could have had more sympathy and mentioned it at a different time, especially if this is the first you’ve heard of it - sorry for your loss.

Menopants · 14/06/2022 22:59

She’s right

Womencanlift · 14/06/2022 22:59

It really wasn’t the time to bring up your situation. I agree with your friend that you did turn it around to be about you

She shouldn’t have snapped but maybe this is something you unwittingly do often and she had enough

minuette1 · 14/06/2022 23:00

Hmm I think the fact that your other friends and family member are being non committal makes me wonder if they think you have form for making things all about you and are just quietly eye-rolling at this latest thing?

Summergarden · 14/06/2022 23:01

Sorry for your loss.

from what you’ve said here, it does sound like she is being rather thoughtless and heartless. If it seems out of character though, I’d reflect a bit to see if I’d accidentally dominated conversations too much.

Just because the sister’s condition isn’t terminal, doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely worrying and distressing for your friend. In younger people (presumably she is), serious illness always seems shocking and horrible. You don’t say the age that your family member who passed was, but if they were much older then that seems the natural order of things, not that you don’t have every right to be upset if that makes sense.

JaceLancs · 14/06/2022 23:01

Without knowing greater detail it’s hard
a close friend lost her husband to cancer and flipped when someone told her how much worse their experience of cancer had been (they were still alive)

Lollypop701 · 14/06/2022 23:02

If your own family are not really commenting, is there a possibility that you are being Ott? Even if your friends sisters condition is managed she has to live with it for the rest of her life and she will deal with the implications. Your relative is gone and it is awful/ you have lost someone you love. but how much will it impact you in comparison to their daughter? If it could be true and you are over stressing about it, is there a reason? I don’t know if you are being unreasonable, grief is grief. but if your close family and friends indicate you are OTT you need to think about it. For example if my friend got upset about my dad dying, id think she was OTT but if her own dad had recently died then my situation is triggering

PugInTheHouse · 14/06/2022 23:02

It does sound like you were making it all about you however I think maybe your friend could have been a bit more sympathetic the 1st time you mentioned it. I can understand her finding it frustrating the 3rd time you mentioned it though.

OppsUpsSide · 14/06/2022 23:03

You do sound quite persistent and annoying

cinq · 14/06/2022 23:03

Eeeeeeek.

be honest with yourself…Do you often make things about you?

your friend sounds exasperated. She’s responded to you saying mutual friend’s sister would be fine and that wasn’t good enough for you because she didn’t acknowledge you.

sounds a little bit self centred.

Jedsnewstar · 14/06/2022 23:03

It does seem you were making this about you and by your friends reaction it seems it is not a one off.

NoSquirrels · 14/06/2022 23:04

Your friend gave you two clear hints that they weren’t willing to engage in sympathy about your family member situation. You pushed it and they snapped.

I’m sorry for your loss. But I think you should pay attention to what other people are saying through their reactions (or lack of).

VivaDixie · 14/06/2022 23:04

I have to admit I cringed a little when you referred to the WhatsApp messages, particularly the second one. I would have felt the same as your friend tbh

Aussiegirl123456 · 14/06/2022 23:07

VivaDixie · 14/06/2022 23:04

I have to admit I cringed a little when you referred to the WhatsApp messages, particularly the second one. I would have felt the same as your friend tbh

Came to write exactly this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2022 23:09

If she’s not prone to outbursts I think you need to assume you’ve really pushed it too far this time and she’s had enough so had to say something. She’s probably apologised not because she didn’t mean it but because she’s a nice person and knows how you’ll have reacted.

You've got two options. Rant about how awful you think she’s been and how unfair everyone is. Or take it as a lesson and think about why people aren’t taking your side.

KatherineofGaunt · 14/06/2022 23:09

Is there a chance you do this a lot? I have a friend who does this; any bad news or death someone tells her about will remind her of a death in her family and she will tell people. I've never snapped at her though. People handle news like this differently.

Perhaps your friend had a bad day, or perhaps she was a bit shaken about the news too, and after you mentioned it then sent two messages about it (even after she'd said it was fine in reply to your first message), she just didn't think.

AlternativePerspective · 14/06/2022 23:10

So, your friend talked about her sister being diagnosed with an illness and you turned it around to say it reminded of something you had been through.

When you didn’t get the attention you craved you reiterated that this should be all about you.

And when your friend has pointed out that you always make everything about you you post on mn making it all about you.

I say good on your friend for saying something. I know people like you ad they irritate the shit out of me. My mum has one friend in particular who has to make everything about her. When their mutual friend’s daughter died she sobbed because it reminded her of when her mother (who was 88) had died. No-one has ever had it harder than her daughter who is a single parent because, when she separated from her husband she shagged a married man and ended up pregnant. And so the list goes on. Other people don’t have problems because her’s are worse. And I wish to god someone would send her that kind of text then maybe she’d shut the fuck up for once.

FlissyPaps · 14/06/2022 23:11

Hope you’re okay OP. This news has obviously upset you and brought up emotions regarding your family member.

& it’s absolutely okay to feel like that. Your feelings are very much valid.

It must have hurt receiving that reply from your friend. However, it’s a good opportunity to reflect. Maybe you need to be more aware of other people around you. Your friend is right in the sense of “it’s not all about you”.

I hope all is well between you both. It’s not worth falling out over. Emotions will be high after bad news.

Coachwork · 14/06/2022 23:11

From what you've written she wasn't wrong. We all know people that persistently do this.

MissMaple82 · 14/06/2022 23:12

Why did you have to send another message though?? Just because you didn't get the reply you wanted you pushed and prodded for more and upset your friend but doing so, you sound very drapmatic and needy!

ReachersAbs · 14/06/2022 23:12

Sometimes people do this without realising, from your description it does sound like you tend to.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/06/2022 23:12

I think this might be the moment for a wake-up call.

You may not have been aware that you were taking others' grief & making it about you.

Your friend was harsh but honest; and it's a chance for you to reflect & approach it differently in the future, keeping your reactions focused on the person who is actually ill or grieving.

Hercisback · 14/06/2022 23:13

Seems like your friend reached breaking point and snapped. Your reaction did seem quite 'me me me' so perhaps some honest reflection is needed by you.

SaggyBlinders · 14/06/2022 23:14

Your OP does come across as a bit 'grief vampire' like.