To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

Her family and friends mostly made no comment or murmurs saying the other friend was wrong. So the trajectory here is clear. I sense you are just like the OP so can't see how selfish being a grief hog/grief vampire is. The OP was clearly selfish and clearly in the wrong. She pushed and pushed her friend for attention when it wasn't the time or the place, and her friend needed that support too. The OP's behaviour was abhorrently selfish and it seems she has admitted this. She was wrong. No two ways about it, as basically everyone else says.

And if the OP doesn't reflect, as she said she would, she will lose a lot of friends and end up alone.

Possibly, but she was wrong to push it. It wasn't her "time".

Anyone who uses the terms "grief hog"or "grief vampire" is fucking weird. You and her insensitive friend are treating it like only one person can be feeling sad or talk about feeling down about their bereavement at any one time and everyone else needs to keep silent in their pain.
You clearly don't understand how grief is emotionally charged and constant and lack empathy.
The trajectory is not clearly showing she's selfish but carry on insulting someone grieving if that's the type of person you are darling.

A good piece of advice I've had in the past... "sharing is comparing" when someone tells you something, listen. Don't immediately turn around and talk about your similar experiences. There's a time and a place for that too, but not straight away! It's hard not to bring up your own relevant experience and does take some conscious practice if you're not used to it but it's really enriched my ability to listen and empathise with others in a way that people need in times of hardship!

A good piece of advice I've had in the past... "sharing is comparing" when someone tells you something, listen. Don't immediately turn around and talk about your similar experiences. There's a time and a place for that too, but not straight away! It's hard not to bring up your own relevant experience and does take some conscious practice if you're not used to it but it's really enriched my ability to listen and empathise with others in a way that people need in times of hardship

i disagree here in that if i told somebody something awful and they'd had as similar experience it would help me more as I could ask them what did they do etc?

I think that's a great point to have in mind.

However, I think being supportive and empathetic can involve elements of both if your experience directly relates to the situation and you have some wisdom or solidarity to offer. Also as long as the listening is in full and not just waiting for a chance to discuss your own experiences.

It can be comforting to know that someone else has got through your difficulties. Perhaps that would apply more to issues around money, work, relationships etc. rather than illness where the outcome is less certain and you have less control. I remember being diagnosed with my long term condition and my manager saying, conversationally really, 'ooh my uncle had that. He just died suddenly one day from it!' Highly comforting!