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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
Alb0 · 15/06/2022 04:41

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:20

Whic is why, sometimes, we need a good friend to be honest with us. It hurts of course. It's embarrassing. But it's worth it

true but I notice too that that people who are quick to point out our faults to us have their own and won't like being told about it-people generally don't. Or the ones who point out our faults do the exact same thing themselves. It's complex really because people are tricky.

It doesn't seem though that this friend was 'quick to point out' OP's faults, especially if her other friends and family seem to agree. It seems the friend (and others) have put up with her behaviour for a long long time without saying anything. This is why it's best for people to be honest earlier on, instead of letting it fester until you snap. My experience of this web forum tells me that people have the polite British thing going on where no one wants to say anything so the behaviour just continues until someone inevitably snaps.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/06/2022 05:00

Sounds like you may need to do some self reflection tbh. If your family hasn't really said much, it maybe they've picked up on it also but been reluctant to say for fear of your reply.
Grief is tough but it doesn't give you the right to make every situation about you. Your friend did respond to you but you wanted to continue to make it about you and they snapped. I think it's you who should apologise tbh, not your friend.

Pebble55 · 15/06/2022 05:08

YABU and you sound like my MIL

madamedesevigne · 15/06/2022 05:21

I think OP is getting an undeservedly rough ride here. The bottom line is that she has been recently and unexpectedly bereaved and understandably, it’s still raw and upsetting for her. She didn’t break down in front of the friend whose sister was ill but she was looking for support from her other friend afterwards, and didn’t get it. I can understand how something seemingly unrelated can set off the grief again and think her friend should have been kinder.

rowkaza · 15/06/2022 05:21

I'm sorry if you feel triggered op.

But I currently have a terminally ill close family member, and I'm afraid I don't have the time or headspace to listen to other people who are "triggered" by past similar experiences. Especially if their family member was not terminal.

I have a friend who does the whole "it was so stressful when my cousin was being tested for xyz", I think she's trying to commiserate/identify with my situation but I just can't listen to her. Her family member is alive and well. Mine is bed bound and soon to be dead. I don't have the capacity to listen to her right now.

Alb0 · 15/06/2022 05:32

madamedesevigne · 15/06/2022 05:21

I think OP is getting an undeservedly rough ride here. The bottom line is that she has been recently and unexpectedly bereaved and understandably, it’s still raw and upsetting for her. She didn’t break down in front of the friend whose sister was ill but she was looking for support from her other friend afterwards, and didn’t get it. I can understand how something seemingly unrelated can set off the grief again and think her friend should have been kinder.

@madamedesevigne What support did OP give her friend? It seems like her friend needed the OP's support, and the OP was only thinking of herself.

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2022 05:41

Yes grief vampire springs to mind. Try to remember not to make other peoples illnesses/problems about yourself. If you talk about it, only refer to how it's affected that particular person. If you stick to that, you'll be fine.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/06/2022 05:49

madamedesevigne · 15/06/2022 05:21

I think OP is getting an undeservedly rough ride here. The bottom line is that she has been recently and unexpectedly bereaved and understandably, it’s still raw and upsetting for her. She didn’t break down in front of the friend whose sister was ill but she was looking for support from her other friend afterwards, and didn’t get it. I can understand how something seemingly unrelated can set off the grief again and think her friend should have been kinder.

But she did get support. It even says 'she said all the right things' the OP just wants to make every situation about her. The friend clearly snapped.

Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 05:58

Consider if you do make things about you, as that is not a good trait in anyone.

Either way it might be better to step away from this friendship, an outburst like that tells me she was seething well before this incident, and I would consider the friendship has been under some strain for a long time.

You can either accept her apology and move on if she is usually a good friend, either way you can learn what you can from her outburst or decide she has resented you for some time, and it might not be a healthy friendship anymore.

Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 05:59

A good friend, in my view, would know a conversation like this would be triggering for someone that has had a recent loss. Did she support you when it happened?

AkuKing · 15/06/2022 06:03

madamedesevigne · 15/06/2022 05:21

I think OP is getting an undeservedly rough ride here. The bottom line is that she has been recently and unexpectedly bereaved and understandably, it’s still raw and upsetting for her. She didn’t break down in front of the friend whose sister was ill but she was looking for support from her other friend afterwards, and didn’t get it. I can understand how something seemingly unrelated can set off the grief again and think her friend should have been kinder.

My opinion is based on OP themselves, they openly admitted I'm self centred and all about me but somehow I'm the bad guy.... Completely unaware of the obvious here, I don't believe the OP behaviour is intentional to be honest based on the fact they had no idea what they did and the OP even made this poor friend apologize when they did nothing wrong in that situation and to top it off continued the what about me quest when it was clear to pretty much anyone else that read it that this was upsetting the friend quote a lot. It's that sad I don't know who to feel sorry for more because the OP has no awareness of other people's emotional existence to the point it's clinical and there's her friend who still went out of her way to apologize because she didn't want to hurt the OP feelings despite being justified.

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 06:08

I would out a lot of money on there being a hefty back story whereby then OP is known as being utterly self absorbed and me mr me. This friend has just had enough.

byebyeyaya · 15/06/2022 06:09

This reply has been deleted

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fontime · 15/06/2022 06:16

It does sound like you made someone else's difficult situation about you. Which we all do at times but the fact that you persistently did it with the follow up messages suggests you are a needy person. You friend snapping suggests this is not a one off and the lack of response from other friends suggests they agree. I would reflect on if they have a point and if you feel they do. Message friend and apologise without saying 'me'

Kately · 15/06/2022 06:24

Halfway through your OP I thought you were making it all about you.

She’s absolutely right.

Darbs76 · 15/06/2022 06:25

Her message was rude. That’s a fact. And she was right to apologise. As others have said you do need to have a good think if you do often make things about yourself. Sounds like others think you do. My mum does this and it is pretty annoying.

butterflied · 15/06/2022 06:36

I would have snapped much sooner and probably not apologised for it. Not everything is about you.

Rinatinabina · 15/06/2022 06:36

I think most people do this kind of thing to empathise (fairly sure I do it and have just this second learned its fucking annoying and not to lol). But the second whatsapp is you demanding attention. i’m sure you don’t mean to do it and you may not realise the extent to which you do it but I think perhaps reflecting on what she said is a good idea.

As previous very wise OP said no-one is perfect, we all hopefully learn and grow as we go along. Don’t take this as a negative OP perhaps take it as an opportunity to reflect on now you deal with things instead,

Rinatinabina · 15/06/2022 06:37

Mean’t previous poster not OP

Ladybug14 · 15/06/2022 06:42

From what you've said and from the reaction of your friend and relatives, it appears you DO make things about you.

Perhaps try to stop doing that so much ?

Gusfringrules · 15/06/2022 06:45

Devastated? Really?
1.
destroy or ruin.
"the city was devastated by a huge earthquake"
Similar:
destroy
ruin
leave in ruins
wreck
lay waste
wreak havoc on
ravage
ransack
leave desolate
demolish
raze (to the ground)
level
flatten
annihilate
2.
cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief.
"she was devastated by the loss of Damian

DefiniteTortoise · 15/06/2022 06:45

I'm an ND person and almost always tell my relatable story as part of the conversation - its my default. However I have learned to end my story with a direct comment on the original story my friend told, so we can pick back up with a discussion of what they've said rather than what I've said. This generally seems to work, my friends certainly haven't got angry at me over it.

OP it does sound from this post like you were trying to get first friend to give you support because you felt triggered by mutual friend's story. First friend, for whatever reason, didn't feel in the best place to give that support. Maybe he/she felt their energy would be better directed at supporting mutual friend in this case.

I am sorry for your loss and hope you're OK.

GreekGod · 15/06/2022 06:46

YABU - I have voted. Apologise and move on and keep it in check so that you don't make things about you. Most times, its best not to say anything and just let the other person talk and tell them that you are there for them and be there. That's it - period. easy

BackToTheTop · 15/06/2022 06:55

Sorry for your loss op

But I'm afraid she might have a point. My ex was like this, every conversation he'd manage to turn it around to be about him and it can become very difficult to have a conversation with him about anything. It's also very tactless sometimes when you are taking about illnesses or other sensitive subjects, he did the typical 'listened to answer', rather than actually listen to what was being said.

IncompleteSenten · 15/06/2022 07:00

It sounds like that's exactly what you do. You even messaged her again saying the same thing.

The fact that some of the people you told "didn't really comment" backs that up.

Those that said she was wrong - you have to ask yourself if they meant wrong as in you don't or wrong as in unkind to tell you.

You can either focus on how upset you are to have been told what is very possibly an unpleasant truth or you can reflect and change. 🤷‍♀️