To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

Or the ones who point out our faults do the exact same thing themselves

I say this as I've had people tell me something about myself or tell me off for something and then after they will do the exact same thing they told me off for. It infuriates me as I'm a pushover so never call them on it but people love to lecture others.
So for example I'd a friend who told me off for joking about a certain topic and to be careful with my humour around him as he didn't found it offensive and then some time after he was posting jokes about the same topic in our whatsapp group. It was nothing racist or anything-a personal story in or friendship group.

Or I'd a colleague who asked us not to swear around her as it offends her and yep weeks later she was in a convo in staffroom swearing away....

It still makes me angry i didn't call them on the hypocrisy.

It's quite possible to be both anonymous and ashamed

if you are ashamed on mn then you are taking it way too seriously

Devastated? Get a grip. Your friend is right and has only apologised to be diplomatic.

Mmmm interesting.... but not so much.... anyway, back to me!

You may be friends, but you’re both individual people with different personalities/limits. Your friend does not have to discuss whatever you want, whenever you want. It was not the time nor place for this conversation but you kept pushing it.

You did make it all about you in a way, I am sorry for your loss but you need the help of an actual counsellor to help you move forward. Your friend isn’t a substitute for a counsellor. It’s not necessarily normal to get triggered to this extent when an illness is mentioned. Obviously it will hit home and make you think, but you do need to compartmentalise sometimes. Not every situation where you hear the name of a condition/a terminal illness should make you this upset. I appreciate it was recent, but it does sort of come across as competitive grief. In that moment, you needed to be there for your friend.

I’m really sorry for your loss, OP.

But this:

It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member.

…was too much. You shouldn’t have sent that follow-up.

It really does seem as if you have made this about yourself. Only you know whether this is something you do regularly.

Wish I had your ability here, perfect response make a point but be simple and funny and not waffle an argument. Bloody awesome ! 🙌

'She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel'

'Devastated'? 'Cruel'?

Give over.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I do unfortunately agree with her, it sounds like you have made the situation about yourself.

She definitely could have handled it better and should have apologised.

However I understand why she was frustrated.

In this life you can be in the right and in the wrong at the same time the problem here is you project your own worries and feelings onto other people who have thier own worries and feelings without considering how they feel, and this is where you're both right and wrong it is perfectly okay to be upset and it's perfectly okay to express this to other people when you are but you don't seem to have learned other people have thier own problems and worries that upset them too because of this there's likely no balance or middle ground when talking to you, it's likely you steer most conversation to saying what you think and feel because you haven't been taught or learned to read the room and use your inner voice, you should practice for awhile and talk to your friend apologize for being inconsiderate and ask how they are feeling "do not use the words that refer to yourself at all during the conversation, don't use me, i or i'm the only exception of this being I'm sorry or I apologize, don't follow up with I'm sorry i... Go straight from the sorry to for being inconsiderate of how you were feeling and if you need anyone to talk to let me know, remember to leave the references of me or i when continuing I'm sure this will be hard for you but i used to do it too and if you practice and learn to use your inner voice when other people are having a hard time you can learn to be a little more considering instinctively, even the effort will be appreciated and no it doesn't come with praise for successfully being considerate but if you want to have family and friends be more comfortable talking to you about thier feelings then you will have learn how to manage your natural look at me impulses.

In this life you can be in the right and in the wrong at the same time the problem here is you project your own worries and feelings onto other people who have thier own worries and feelings without considering how they feel, and this is where you're both right and wrong it is perfectly okay to be upset and it's perfectly okay to express this to other people when you are but you don't seem to have learned other people have thier own problems and worries that upset them too because of this there's likely no balance or middle ground when talking to you, it's likely you steer most conversation to saying what you think and feel because you haven't been taught or learned to read the room and use your inner voice, you should practice for awhile and talk to your friend apologize for being inconsiderate and ask how they are feeling "do not use the words that refer to yourself at all during the conversation, don't use me, i or i'm the only exception of this being I'm sorry or I apologize, don't follow up with I'm sorry i... Go straight from the sorry to for being inconsiderate of how you were feeling and if you need anyone to talk to let me know, remember to leave the references of me or i when continuing I'm sure this will be hard for you but i used to do it too and if you practice and learn to use your inner voice when other people are having a hard time you can learn to be a little more considering instinctively, even the effort will be appreciated and no it doesn't come with praise for successfully being considerate but if you want to have family and friends be more comfortable talking to you about thier feelings then you will have learn how to manage your natural look at me impulses

sorry but learn punctuation and paragraphing , that was like reading a foreign language.

I know I should but we all have our flaws and my grammar is as shit as it gets.... Shit happens and I learn to stop caring.

I think you need to consider that maybe you have form for this kind of thing and this was the last straw for your friend. Are you someone who constantly requires confirmation that you’ve been heard or listened to from friends or family? Did you ask your friend how she feels about this? She may have been triggered herself. People have a whole inner world that you are not privy to. While you are entitled to have feelings about the death of your relative, your feelings shouldn’t constantly override those of others. Grief vampires are exhausting. Your friend’s family’s news is entirely unrelated to your own.

not grammar, punctuation x

Don't be facetious I'm lucky if get an individual words down without screwing it up these days and if I pull off anything else it's the equivalent of a lottery win so I'm content with that, sadly you can't fix everything. If you seen how bad I was just over a year ago you have been so shocked by it I bet you wouldn't have been able to say anything haha

OP hasn't returned so I guess that means she's learnt something about herself and is too ashamed

This is not necessarily the case at all. I regularly create threads and then not reply. Not the end of the world.

Some people keep relating everything back to themselves without noticing.
So if you are sitting with friends and one says my dog died last week, instead of saying 'oh I'm my so sorry to hear, how are you feeling,' you might say 'oh god I remember when our dog died when I was 5 I was so upset. My brother buried him in the garden I remember. Then my sister was away at the time and she was so upset when she came home' etc etc. Similarly with illnesses it's 'oh you poor thing I remember I had that and I was so sick I was actually in hospital with it'.., me, me, me, my story about it....'
Is it an approval seeking tactic, maybe? One jumps at the chance to align oneself with the other to fit in. I used to do it but kind of noticed I was doing it.

@Felicity42 that's just a way of showing understanding. As long as it isn't saying your experience was harder than the fiends, drawing from a similar experience is a way of showing compsion and understanding.

Your 'friend' sounds awful for texting you that. Really cruel and unnecessary.

It sounds to me like your last message was the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back' and she had been holding onto a lot of frustration and resentment, so it does seem that what she said had a lot of truth in it, especially if your own family didn't rush to be outraged on your behalf and slam her to you. It sounds very much like your family members agree but don't want to admit it, so they are avoiding commenting.

Based both on your friend's (what seems) long overdue outburst, and the inability of your own family members to back you up, that there is TRUTH to what your friend said, that she was Speaking Truth to you. Perhaps you need to really do some self examination and ask why she couldn't hold that in any longer, and why your family members basically agree with her it seems. I think you need to really have a long think about yourself, realise that your friend finally had enough, told some home truths, and you need to stop centring yourself when it comes to other people's problems, because from the tone and tenor of your friend and family members, it's clear she's right and you really need to have a look at yourself, admit it to yourself, apologise to her, and make an effort to change and not make everything about you all the time.

Sorry, I repeated myself quite a bit there.

I think this post proves your friend is right. Your first thought is for how ‘devastated’ you feel. Your friend is ‘cruel’ for saying that. Perhaps the words you should be reaching for are ‘embarrassed’ and ‘honest’. That second WhatsApp message? What was that about if not to try to force someone’s attention back to you and your drama?

If you genuinely want friendships and not just people to bore with the details of every imagined problem in your life, then spend some time in other people’s shoes for a change. Try listening and empathising and not talking about yourself.

Maybe she found the news very hard too and was unable to deal with you going on about yourself. Did you ask her how she was feeling after the news? Maybe she had nothing left to give you and was dealing with her own emotions.

I would say forgive her immediately, you were both thrown by the news and were both upset.

She has apologised but I also think she has done you a lifelong favour by being honest with you about your behaviour. Everything is all about you you you. It’s good to know this!!

Is this a reverse?

Because you did make it about it you. You clearly didn’t listen to the friend telling you about her sister because you thought she was dying. Getting upset in the car is one thing. But apologising when you weren’t apologising, but just using the situation to bring up your own situation again. That’s really manipulative.

You friend said it was fine but didn’t give you more attention on your own situation, so you then brought it up again. It’s really clear, that you were using the other friends need to try and open up the conversation about you and your feelings. It also sounds like you are expressing yourself in a way where you are making your family members death all you. As though you have been impacted more than their own children.

My cousin did this when my own mum died. She was telling people how my mum was like her second mum and how broken she was and how hard it was for her. One of her own brothers had to tell her to give it a rest. She has form for it but the way she carried on, was awful.

I would also guess that the people who you have now gone running to and used this situation, to get more attention from, can’t be arsed either. They agree.

You are being dramatic and probably have form for it.

Sorry OP, I think YABU.

It sounds like you would’ve kept on texting your friend until she gave you the level of sympathy/attention you were after.

She definitely could have dealt with a it in a nicer way but to snap like that it appears maybe this is something you do often without realising it.