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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 14/06/2022 23:48

I was reading your account thinking "gosh, the OP is really making this about her" and then your friend said the same. How she expressed it wasn't very kind, but I wonder if this has been a frustrating pattern.

SurfBox · 14/06/2022 23:48

Sometimes people do this without realising

that's the thing though, often the 'bad' things we do we don't realise how bad it looks to others. In other words, we can't see our own faults but it's much easier to see others.

SpaceFarce · 14/06/2022 23:48

I agree with everyone else.

You are, of course, allowed to feel upset when something reminds you of the person you lost. Thankfully you did it in the car and not at the mutual friend’s house, but when you texted to apologise you weren’t actually saying sorry, were you? You were looking for your friend to give you more sympathy (after she’d already said all the right things in the car).

No wonder all the people you’ve told abort this(!!!) have been non committal.

SurfBox · 14/06/2022 23:52

I think it's sad that people seem to be invalidating the OP's feelings here

yes but it's aibu;what else would you expect? You could be saying you cured cancer and you'll still get roasted.

LivingstonDaisies · 14/06/2022 23:53

I used to work with someone like the OP. She turned everything anyone said to being about her. We initially used to eyeroll, then it came to the point we changed the subject when she started her nonsense. In the end we all ignored her as it became tedious. Some people are completely unaware that they do this and end up ostracised bu whole groups of colleagues/friends.

YouCouldBeAnAirHostessInThe60s · 14/06/2022 23:54

its kind of like you need to constantly remind your friend that something bad happened to you too?

i agree that if speaking in this manner is out of character for your friend, you maybe need to take heed of what she is saying.

Runkle · 14/06/2022 23:55

You really didn't need to reply again after her reply saying it was fine. She just sounded a bit exasperated with you which would make me take a good look at myself...

stepuporshutup · 14/06/2022 23:55

Op I have a friend that turns everything around to be about her, I am never sure if this is intentional or she does not realise. Maybe you do this without realising but it can be a bit much for your audience.

lunar1 · 14/06/2022 23:56

I think you've pushed your friend too far.

SurfBox · 14/06/2022 23:56

Can you cope with searing honesty? Ask her if she thinks you make it all about you frequently

this is good advice, I'd have a candid and gentle conversation with her over why she said it otherwise I'd be paranoid and seeds would be sown over what she was thinking about me.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 14/06/2022 23:58

To be honest, I was thinking 'FFS, it's not all about you' reading your post before I even saw the message your friend sent.

saraclara · 14/06/2022 23:59

SurfBox · 14/06/2022 23:48

Sometimes people do this without realising

that's the thing though, often the 'bad' things we do we don't realise how bad it looks to others. In other words, we can't see our own faults but it's much easier to see others.

Whic is why, sometimes, we need a good friend to be honest with us. It hurts of course. It's embarrassing. But it's worth it.

I was the person with a brave friend to thank for telling me something in my 20s that has saved me another four decades of people privately rolling their eyes at me. I changed that thing about me overnight.

pedropony76 · 14/06/2022 23:59

You really did go on and on though.

You mentioned it the first time and you said your friend said all the right things. Why did you need to send a whatsapp message and then ANOTHER ONE because your friend didn’t acknowledge your family member. You had already spoken to her once, what else did you want from her??

Sorry about your loss but you seem quite annoying. I agree with the message your friend sent back and don’t even think she should have apologised. The fact that you’ve told other people and they haven’t said much should indicate that there’s probably some truth in what your friend said

expat101 · 15/06/2022 00:04

I'm not going to vote as I suspect what you were trying to do was to make the mutual friend feel not so alone in what they are going through, however it didn't work out that way and your friend would have already known about your situation and didn't need to hear about it again.

Then you sent another message and that's where you went well overboard.

Just suck it up for the moment but moving forward be aware of trying to ''compare'' experiences with your past personal journey. Sometimes less said is best said and you will need to bite your lip.... offer condolences and help, but leave the conversation at that.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 15/06/2022 00:05

I can be like you sometimes too, OP. I normally do it thinking that by telling a similar story that happened to me, the person I’m talking to will know I understand how they’re feeling. But that’s not how they normally take it and it must be extremely annoying. I’m grateful that I’ve read this thread and I’m………………oh god, I’ve done it again.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 15/06/2022 00:11

You must have really pushed your friend to her limit for her to send that message. Take on board what she's saying and don't make things all about you in the future.
I'm another one who really doesn't understand why you sent the last message, what were you thinking?

HappypusSadpus · 15/06/2022 00:16

She was right though, OP.

Your time to be upset about your family was when you were alone, or with your family, not when your friend spoke about her own problems - you somehow turned that around to be offended because your mutual friend, rightly, didn't enable you further.

Your empathy radar is a little off there I'm afraid.

Doyoumind · 15/06/2022 00:16

OP hasn't returned so I guess that means she's learnt something about herself and is too ashamed.

MrsPetty · 15/06/2022 00:19

Having grown up with a completely neurotic mother I can totally see how your friend might have snapped. It wasn’t about you or your family member right then. The end.

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:20

Whic is why, sometimes, we need a good friend to be honest with us. It hurts of course. It's embarrassing. But it's worth it

true but I notice too that that people who are quick to point out our faults to us have their own and won't like being told about it-people generally don't. Or the ones who point out our faults do the exact same thing themselves. It's complex really because people are tricky.

HeadOnShoulders · 15/06/2022 00:21

The word devastated in the title tells me enough about how you over dramatise stuff.

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:22

OP hasn't returned so I guess that means she's learnt something about herself and is too ashamed

it's an anonymous forum with strangers, where is the shame?

pixie5121 · 15/06/2022 00:25

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 15/06/2022 00:05

I can be like you sometimes too, OP. I normally do it thinking that by telling a similar story that happened to me, the person I’m talking to will know I understand how they’re feeling. But that’s not how they normally take it and it must be extremely annoying. I’m grateful that I’ve read this thread and I’m………………oh god, I’ve done it again.

This is common for neurodiverse people. I do it because I think sharing will show people I understand what they're going through, have been there, etc. For neurotypical people it comes across as 'making it all about you'. There was a whole Twitter thread on it a while back.

OP doesn't seem to be doing that though. It's not 'I understand how hard this is because my family member died of something similar recently'. It's 'why are you not paying more attention to me, why is friend's sister more important?'

Doyoumind · 15/06/2022 00:29

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:22

OP hasn't returned so I guess that means she's learnt something about herself and is too ashamed

it's an anonymous forum with strangers, where is the shame?

It's quite possible to be both anonymous and ashamed.

She hasn't come back to defend herself so I'm guessing she's realised she hasn't got much of defence. If the thread has brought about some self reflection that's a good thing.

FlissyPaps · 15/06/2022 00:31

OP hasn't returned so I guess that means she's learnt something about herself and is too ashamed.

I hope the OP isn’t ashamed. There’s nothing to be ashamed about regarding her situation.

Going through experiences like this is life. It’s maturing. It’s learning to reflect, to take accountability and recognising behaviours in ourselves that sometimes we need to improve on.

Nobody’s perfect.

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