Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
AbsoluteShambles · 14/06/2022 23:14

I think you have your answer…

spotcheck · 14/06/2022 23:14

Well,
You talked about your family on the drive home
Then in the WhatsApp message
And then in the follow up message

saraclara · 14/06/2022 23:15

Yep. I'm sorry but your persistence in messaging her was definitely all about you.

It was insensitive of you in the first place, to dwell on your own loss when you'd just heard such news about mutual friend's sister. Then to message TWICE to still focus on how you felt, was very self centred.

MrsWarboyss · 14/06/2022 23:16

I'm guessing that everything in that friendship group is always all about you and your dramas. Sounds like she's had enough of it!

Housenoob · 14/06/2022 23:16

If it was a one off that you made it about yourself then I'd sympathise and think she's BU. But the whole 'for once' part of her message gives it away that you, knowingly or not, do tend to make things about you quite often. This was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

ShaneTwane · 14/06/2022 23:16

Sorry for your loss but from your op yabu. Three times you tried to make someone else's news about you. Even after she didn't get into it with you the first two times you still persisted in sending yet another text all about you.

shinynewapple22 · 14/06/2022 23:16

I am sorry am to hear of your loss OP, and while I get the point that others are making, I think we need to remember that there is no right or wrong in how people experience grief . What one person may get over in a short amount of time or be less upset because it was not a close family member or it was expected, this isn't the same for everyone and I think it's sad that people seem to be invalidating the OP's feelings here .

Triffid1 · 14/06/2022 23:17

I was sort of sympathetic until your last message.... you text her to apologise, she accepts that but because she doesn't then ALSO tell you that you were totally right to be upset and that it IS all about you, you go back with another complaint? So your original apology was actually not an apology at all?

You do sound hard work.

Also, it sounds like the family member who died is not an immediate family member? Of course, that does not mean you can't grieve or that you won't feel shocked and upset, but it can be very very frustrating when someone is a "grief thief".

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2022 23:18

I think you should reflect on the possibility that you frequently make things all about you. My mother has form for this, and it is absolutely exhausting and intensely irritating. If your friend has never exploded like this before, she may have reached her limit and she may have a point.

CaptainTroy · 14/06/2022 23:20

You were making it all about you, really. She had a point. Maybe this is a chance to reflect?

saraclara · 14/06/2022 23:21

Seriously, my Mum's like this. She even made my late DH's cancer and death about her. I won't go further into that, but it was bleak.

A couple of weeks ago I called her to let her know about my MIL's death. My MIL was a wonderful person (my mum thought so too) and I thought she'd be really upset. But no, she responded by saying how glad she was that she didn't have the condition that MIL had, and followed it up with a reminder that I was supposed to have brought a cutting from one of my plants on this visit (which unsurprisingly I hadn't prioritised)

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/06/2022 23:22

It does sound like she has a point.

ShaneTwane · 14/06/2022 23:23

shinynewapple22 · 14/06/2022 23:16

I am sorry am to hear of your loss OP, and while I get the point that others are making, I think we need to remember that there is no right or wrong in how people experience grief . What one person may get over in a short amount of time or be less upset because it was not a close family member or it was expected, this isn't the same for everyone and I think it's sad that people seem to be invalidating the OP's feelings here .

I don't think anyone is telling op to get over her loss or invalidating how she feels. We are merely pointing out she is beginning to be inappropriate in her persistence of using someone elses news to become all about her own feelings even after she's been acknowledged.

saraclara · 14/06/2022 23:24

shinynewapple22 · 14/06/2022 23:16

I am sorry am to hear of your loss OP, and while I get the point that others are making, I think we need to remember that there is no right or wrong in how people experience grief . What one person may get over in a short amount of time or be less upset because it was not a close family member or it was expected, this isn't the same for everyone and I think it's sad that people seem to be invalidating the OP's feelings here .

I couldn't disagree more.

You don't make someone else's bad news about you, whatever grief you're experiencing yourself. Jesus. If you can't control your tears, you take yourself out of the situation and cry privately. It's not as though most of us haven't been there.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2022 23:24

You talked about your own grief but didn't get the response you wanted so you text her to chase it up. She replied in a "it's fine, and X will be too" way and you pushed again with the "but what about ME?"

Sounds like she's not the only one to notice.

Can you cope with searing honesty? Ask her if she thinks you make it all about you frequently.

Inlovewitharagorn · 14/06/2022 23:24

I think your friend had a good point.
Even if your other friend's news was upsetting to you personally, the correct response is to empathise with her and other people more closely affected and to express any emotion you need to express to people who have no relationship with them.
People who always have to share their emotions with everybody are tiring but often also selfish. You don't always have to express your feelings.
The ring theory is really good for understanding this. So your mutual friend (the one affected) 's sister gets to moan or cry to anyone she likes. Her family get to moan and cry to anyone except her (that includes you and your friend) and you absorb that. You and your friend get to express your emotion to people even less affected. It's all outward and never inward or in the same ring as you.

www.everhomehealthcare.com/post/ring-theory-and-saying-the-right-thing-in-2020

FirstFallopians · 14/06/2022 23:25

I know it must have been hard to read, but if your friend is normally a kind and well adjusted person who doesn’t overreact, and other people you’ve consulted haven’t come to your defence, you need to consider if she might have a point.

The fact that you’ve brought up the situation with multiple people (seeking reassurance? Pity?) in itself indicates that you may be a bit of a drama llama.

RiverSkater · 14/06/2022 23:25

Your friends message was very rude and she wasn't interested in your loss during the earlier conversation. I can see why you were upset.

However, you did make your friends sisters illness about you and it seems this might be a habit. You kind of pushed her into it, though she was over the top in her reaction.

Zpoa · 14/06/2022 23:33

My mum is like this. She pushes and pushes her feeling wanting sympathy, but she is only driving people away with her selfishness.

Sorry for your loss, OP. Maybe you can have an honest think about this.

Mally100 · 14/06/2022 23:33

My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

So immediately after hearing about the friends sister you bring your news up. Your friend does acknowledge you as above, but probably also thinking that you've just left mutual friends and she's maybe concerned about her but you're talking about yourself.

The next day, you bring this up and your friend politely tell you it's ok. She doesn't mention your family member because you've talked about it alot already! You then persist to the point of irritation by bringing it up again. I don't blame her for her reaction. You just kept on. Your family members reactions are also quite telling. Op, honestly can't you see how you came across. It was neither the time or the place to bring your loss up. In fact, the mutual friends sister is ill not passed so you likening this to your family member that's passed is very upsetting.

DinoWoman · 14/06/2022 23:33

Urgh, you do sound self absorbed. I think you need to consider whether you do this often. Your friend may have been shocked/emotionally drained from the support she provided to your mutual friend. She then gets out the door and you try to suck away any emotional energy she had left.

Thatboymum · 14/06/2022 23:40

I mean you should be grateful she apologised at least because I wouldn’t have. And she deffo only apologised so you didn’t make it all about you again

Onceinawhileuser · 14/06/2022 23:40

Even based on your own account, yes, you made it all about you. And here you are on MN, making it all about you again.

ladydimitrescu · 14/06/2022 23:45

Sorry for your loss op, but yes - you did make it about you.
Several times.

You just got news your friends sister was sick, and you actually said "hearing the news has upset me because of what happened to me" - and you did this several times.

I think looking for sympathy in light of someone else's bad news is in very poor taste, and I can see why she was frustrated with you.

You are obviously upset and I am sorry about this, and for your loss, but gently, yes you are unreasonable here.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/06/2022 23:46

She’s not wrong though is she.