To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

I'm quite surprised that you went off and told your family and friends about this incident, having already been told that you were making your friend's sister's illness all about you. You seem to be approaching an ever-widening pool of people desperate to get them to sympathise with you. It does rather look as if the reaction of your family and friends is telling you that what your friend said is right.

So it could well be that your friend has done you a massive favour. Have a think not only about this incident but about what happened when you family member died, and any other times in the past when you've been told about someone's illness or personal tragedy. Be very honest with yourself, and if there is any smidgeon of truth in what your friend says about you making those incidents all about yourself, make an almighty resolve to change.

Certainly sounds like you have a tendency to make things all about you. Your friend cba with it and snapped. You might want to think about that.

By getting ‘really upset’ you were looking for sympathy for yourself. By following up with a message referring to your upset again, you were insisting on more acknowledgement and sympathy. Indeed, by your own admission you were put out it was not noted or offered because she didn’t refer to your relative.
By the third exchange you are pretty much demanding sympathy and time over your relative.You seem to have the idea that people owe you an audience over this and if they don’t give you one, they’re cruel.

By the tone of her response, you do a lot of this.

I'd be a bit miffed if you brought up your dead relative.

One of my friend's dogs has just died and she's devastated. I didn't bring up the fact that another friend's husband has just suddenly died.

You sound utterly self-obsessed. Time for some self-reflection I think

My cousin makes everything about herself - especially when it’s health related.

It took one of our family members to shout at her, “will you not make this one about you?” when she started on, for bewildered cousin to say mournfully, “but I’m showing empathy!”

It’s taken us 20 years of adult life to discover that she’s not competing and attention seeking, but simply has no clue how to listen and show she cares, without bringing out her own tenuous link.

We handle her differently now.

Maybe this can be a wake up call for you OP? It doesn’t matter that this might have been legitimately triggering, for the person to react this way, you’ve clearly done this a lot in non-legitimate situations!

Does she have a point?

The friend's text was only in response to op and their grief vampire attention seeking admonishment of not being placed at the centre of everything and probably they were broken by it.

There was a very very similar thread last year and the comments were the same. People do reach breaking point when there is someone who regularly makes issues about them.

sorry but this

I’d be done and out.

I had a friend who did this all the time. If I was I’ll or going through something - I’d either get her off loading massively when I couldn’t deal with it.

the fact that you then went on to apologise and she said ok and you continued as you didn’t get YOUR required response and emotional needs met speaks volumes

when I was going through the most horrific abusive break up - my parents knew small details I was given anti depressants and a police marker and various other things - mum mother the other end of the country with a husband and a million pound house kept telling me how she was suffering massively - couldn’t sleep and her gp would not give her the same anti depressants etc and the police wouldn’t give her the same protection (?)! Extreme but signs like that showed me her narcissist traits. If I was ever I’ll I was told all about her illnesses and it made me feel invalidated. I broke my foot in three places and all she could tell me was the time that she sprained her ankles really really badly. You end up internally screaming does it have to be about you. I remain the sprained ankle well and she had a bell and I ran around aged 14 for 4 weeks in the summer.

Pretty clear it’s not the first time you have turned it around to you. Competitive misery.
Devastated? Seems a bit dramatic. Perhaps your dramatic ways have just been exhausting for a while.

Were you drunk, OP?

You did make it all about you though. It went from a topic of someone's sister being I'll immediately to how upset you are over someone else dying. You could have at least talked a bit more about the sister, but no just jumped straight into poor me and crying no doubt. You even persisted further to try and force sympathy out of your friend.

Plus talking about how you think the hospital got it wrong and they may have caused her death? That's so rude, that's basically going oh they could fuck up again and kill the sister. That's also dramatisation over nothing, how would you even know if the hospital got it wrong, are you a medical professional? With your attitude I doubt it.

You need to apologise to your friend, and learn from this. Take more of an interest in other people, not just swan straight in with how 'devastated' and 'hurt' you are. I know you aren't going to though. You won't listen to any of us. You will continue to whine and drive people away. Don't be surprised if your future is lonely op. Listen to us, change, or drive away your friends. They clearly won't put up with this for much longer.

She’s right, sorry not what you want to hear but it sounds like you want to be the centre of attention and be the person worse off so you can gain all the sympathy and empathy.
You need to gain some perspective and self-awareness.

Oof. Maybe she did have a point (reflection might tell you this) but not the nicest way for her to say it. And your loss is very recent, so sympathies - you probably did/do need someone to talk to. Guess it wasn’t that friend at that time though. If the friendship’s worth it, I hope you smooth things over ok.

I came on to say what @PurassicJark said. Any PPs trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and suggest that you were trying to empathise with your friend are wrong, IMO, because of that bit. Who tells a hospital negligence horror story to somebody whose sister has been recently diagnosed with a potentially fatal but medically manageable condition?

I stepped back massively from a friend who always had to step straight in with his own relatable story when I told him my sister had been diagnosed with breast cancer and he went on and fucking on about his aunt who'd had breast cancer which had spread to her lungs and finally killed her. He didn't realise until I pointed it out in an angry text message that he'd been inappropriate! Don't be that guy.

She might have a point...

This was not about you. The focus should be on the other person who is going through a tough time.

You pushed and pushed with your messages and your friend snapped.

Time for a bit of self-reflection.

Do you have a tendency to always bring the attention back to yourself, not so much because you are genuinely struggling, but because you think your issues always come first?

Yabu op
Top tip for others as it’s a recurring theme.

It’s very very hard to be empathetic if you’re telling your own story. Your mind works ‘friend in a situation- I want her to know I understand- I’ll tell her about when something similar happened to me’
Friend hears ‘my story- friend talking about herself’

Listening, even silence is better.

its not that uncommon when an event befalls a friend for people to talk about how they have had a similar event. I guess it’s their way of trying to show sympathy and bond.
But your repeated texts to your friend, where you are clearly trying to get her to refocus her attention and sympathy on you, shows that you do more than this. You are trying to refocus the attention and sympathy to you.

Your friend has done you a service, She!s given you an opportunity to reflect on your behavior and change it. Sometimes the best insight can come from people who aren’t meaning it kindly. As they have not shied from the truth to spare our feelings.

As po said, the fact that others go quiet when you mentioned this incident strongly suggests they agree with your friend.

This.

Although I wonder if she's gone to another forum to complain about this forum being mean about her!

If my sister was ill to that extent I'd probably do the same thing, if you repeatedly made her illness all about how that made you feel. Do you not see how wrong that was? Even if you are still grieving over your own loss, you put that on a back burner internally and turn your focus on your friend's feelings and how difficult things will be for her DSis. I don't blame her for exploding in the way she did, and think she was decent for apologising to you. I think you also owe her an apology for the way you acted over her news.

I also have a tendency to try to empathise by relating a "That happened to me too" but I have learned that if you do this, the focus has to be turned straight back to the person with the immediate problem, so you're not seeming to diminish their situation with "Enough about you, what about ME?"

My mum is like @Saraclara mother and it is extremely annoying and does make that person hard work too. Why would you want to be that annoying, hard work person? Time to reflect on how you are being perceived...

This is not always true. It has really helped me in the past if the friend I am talking to does tell me they’ve gone through the same. It made me feel less alone and understood.

But this is not what OP did. She does not relate and then let the person take the narrative again. She shifts the narrative and sympathy to her.

YABU - like someone else mentioned, you're being a grief vampire, taking someone else's misfortune and only viewing it as how it affects you.

It's a really off-putting behaviour, and from your friend's response, it sounds like you have other narcissistic tendencies. Reel it in, think before you try to weigh in if you're being a good active listener or just making something weirdly about you.

I think the first reply was fine. I don’t see why you then had to reply because she didn’t mention your family member! She replied saying it’s fine, friends sister will be ok. You should have left it there. What did you want her to say about your family member??

Having lost my first husband to a previously undiagnosed cancer in a matter of days I can well understand your friend freaking out - some people are really thoughtless. I don’t think they mean to be - it’s just lack of thought before speaking.

I met the man who is now my second husband only seven months after my first hubby passed away. We were friends for a year or so and he really helped me through the grief, but it was a long time before I could even think of having any other kind of relationship with him as it was too soon for me. A couple of years later I met a friend who I’d not seen for years and didn’t know I’d been widowed, and she said how sorry she was and how I must have been devastated. She asked how I was now, and I mentioned I was in another relationship and would be remarrying. She responded with ‘So not that devastated then.’ I felt as though I had been slapped.

I remember my SIL responded to me telling her my beloved godmother had had a stroke and it was touch and go; she barely acknowledged it before telling me about her mothers stubbed toe (seriously!).

I rarely speak to her now. This wasn’t a one off.