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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 16:57

WisherWood · 17/06/2022 16:51

I thought you meant you had to go and then realised you were translating Maisie for us.

I am waiting for a DPD delivery before anybody starts.

Show quote history

But what a waste of your life!!!

afterall it’s 5pm and the hottest day of the year!!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 17/06/2022 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

helpamom · 17/06/2022 17:37

It's sounds like you are similar to someone I know, she has a bad habit of turning everything about herself and situations she's encountered, every single time. We all know she does this, so a lot of time we go quiet when she starts making it all about her.

helpamom · 17/06/2022 17:38

Your friends reaction makes it sound like she's fed up of you doing this all the time.

MushyPeasPrincess · 17/06/2022 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MushyPeasPrincess · 17/06/2022 20:51

It's a chat forum. We comment on each other's comments. That's how it works ... 😂😂😂 ps I own my own business and it does very nicely, giving me loads of time to comment on here.

maisieandvicks · 17/06/2022 21:49

Oh wow! Lol! You lot are still going?? I’m both shocked and envious of the amount of energy and time some people on this forum appear to have. Give it up! I’ve already moved on to the next thread now 😅

luckylavender · 17/06/2022 21:59

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

She's right. My mother does this a lot, it's very frustrating.

AWOL66 · 17/06/2022 22:20

I am so shocked at people's reactions on here!!!! You're suffering from grief having only just lost a relative which takes years to be able to process.
Your beloved relative will naturally be on your mind 24-7 and so when your friend tells you she's worried about her sister you later naturally mention the fact you can relate and isn't it all terrible etc etc.

Your other friend should be very aware you're in the height of grief and understand it makes people very emotional.
Instead SHE makes it all about HER saying you're making everything all about you and it annoys her!

By the way I can relate as I had a rude reaction about the loss of a relative from a friend in a friendship group. In hindsight it just highlighted to me how we had a weak friendship from day one but hung out as we had to in the four.
This sense of coldness and exclusion reappered several times over the years and one day it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I'd say though grief does make you feel very depressive so don't argue with her now-try to keep the peace and keep things light for the sake at least of not making things awkward long term within the group. Things will never be the same after a big row.
In time things will become more clear but I'd see it that maybe you need to just spend more time with people you truly feel fully have your back and 'get you' and seek that out rather than upset yourself more by having arguments over something already very upsetting. 💖

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:07

maisieandvicks · 17/06/2022 21:49

Oh wow! Lol! You lot are still going?? I’m both shocked and envious of the amount of energy and time some people on this forum appear to have. Give it up! I’ve already moved on to the next thread now 😅

And once again!

@maisieandvicks has supposedly “moved on”

😂

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:09

Perhaps to the thread she started the other day that no one responded to about a spider on her face?

i don’t know how she found the time though!

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:13

I have reread the op

and whilst the op “didn’t get upset” whilst she was at the friend’s house, she did talk about her bereavement whilst talking about the sister.

and the critical friend says can’t the op “for once” not make it about her. Indicating that this is a regular occurrence

so quite clearly there is history

but the op came back graciously (sorry @maisieandvicks i know this bothered you that posters acknowledged this) which indicates she is open to changing

maisieandvicks · 18/06/2022 07:14

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:09

Perhaps to the thread she started the other day that no one responded to about a spider on her face?

i don’t know how she found the time though!

Lol you’re so weird. You’re literally the only person still sat here mentioning me on this thread lol. Odd. Please leave me alone. It’s giving obsessed now.

maisieandvicks · 18/06/2022 07:16

How on earth do I hide this thread? Or unfollow it? Serious question.

Herejustforthisone · 18/06/2022 07:18

maisieandvicks · 17/06/2022 21:49

Oh wow! Lol! You lot are still going?? I’m both shocked and envious of the amount of energy and time some people on this forum appear to have. Give it up! I’ve already moved on to the next thread now 😅

Irony.

Herejustforthisone · 18/06/2022 07:19

Um, you click ‘hide thread’ at the top.

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:24

Oh @maisieandvicks you will see on this very page alone that not just me!

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:24

maisieandvicks · 18/06/2022 07:16

How on earth do I hide this thread? Or unfollow it? Serious question.

Is something or someone physically forcing you to select this thread and then go to the last page and then read it?

stuntbubbles · 18/06/2022 07:27

maisieandvicks · 18/06/2022 07:16

How on earth do I hide this thread? Or unfollow it? Serious question.

Unfortunately you can’t hide threads at 7am. Come back later.

maisieandvicks · 18/06/2022 07:34

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 07:24

Is something or someone physically forcing you to select this thread and then go to the last page and then read it?

Show quote history

Not at all. I’m just a bit creeped out at this point. Everyone else’s responses are actually witty and somewhat humorous but yours …. yeah, yours are just weird. Ah well, was fun while it lasted. Please don’t follow me to the next thread 😩

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 08:01

And she’s back….

it is like a comedy of errors!

Alb0 · 18/06/2022 08:01

AWOL66 · 17/06/2022 22:20

I am so shocked at people's reactions on here!!!! You're suffering from grief having only just lost a relative which takes years to be able to process.
Your beloved relative will naturally be on your mind 24-7 and so when your friend tells you she's worried about her sister you later naturally mention the fact you can relate and isn't it all terrible etc etc.

Your other friend should be very aware you're in the height of grief and understand it makes people very emotional.
Instead SHE makes it all about HER saying you're making everything all about you and it annoys her!

By the way I can relate as I had a rude reaction about the loss of a relative from a friend in a friendship group. In hindsight it just highlighted to me how we had a weak friendship from day one but hung out as we had to in the four.
This sense of coldness and exclusion reappered several times over the years and one day it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I'd say though grief does make you feel very depressive so don't argue with her now-try to keep the peace and keep things light for the sake at least of not making things awkward long term within the group. Things will never be the same after a big row.
In time things will become more clear but I'd see it that maybe you need to just spend more time with people you truly feel fully have your back and 'get you' and seek that out rather than upset yourself more by having arguments over something already very upsetting. 💖

@AWOL66 You clearly didn't read OP's posts. It seems her friend, other friends and family agree, she MAKES A HABIT out of making it all about herself. This was the straw that broke the camels back.

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 08:02

Please don’t follow me to the next thread

well on the basis of the spider one, no one will tumbleweed!

Ohthatsexciting · 18/06/2022 08:03

Yea I got the impression straw that broke the camel’s back

AWOL66 · 18/06/2022 08:32

Alb0 · 18/06/2022 08:01

@AWOL66 You clearly didn't read OP's posts. It seems her friend, other friends and family agree, she MAKES A HABIT out of making it all about herself. This was the straw that broke the camels back.

Show quote history

I did read it all. That's what everyone on this thread is assuming but only that friend ever said that.
Her other friends and family didn't comment (likely friends who also know her friend and don't want to make a comment and be seen as taking sides or shit stirring in the group) or they said the friend was in the wrong!
OP is grieving having only lost a relative weeks ago and due to negligence in hospital. It must be raw for her.

Wouldn't you be annoyed if your friend rolled her eyes and said it's not all about you if you mentioned their death?
It's relevant to the conversations about the unwell sister.
I doubt she even does make it always about her that sounds like a throw away comment but even if she does if ever there ever was a time you can make it all about you it's when you're whole brain is consumed in grief!!!!

I can't believe all the mumsnetters are bashing and judging someone grieving who they've never even met so don't know her personality at all!

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