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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have found his public groping humiliating?

183 replies

Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:22

It has been about a week and a half since we last had sex (baby, work, tkredness) and he has been not so subtly making it obvious that he'd like to do it tonight, that in itself isn't an issue but he has just killed my sex drive stone dead.

The issue is him thinking it is in any way appropriate or acceptable to grope me between the legs as I'm stood outside the front door in broad daylight in full view of passing cars and people (we live on a busy city road) and I had a dress on.

I said "what on earth are you doing? That is humiliating, people can see everything"

He said "I'm not humiliating you" and I said "yes, you very much are"

He just walked off (he was on his way out) and didn't say anything else.

In his desperate-for-a-shag mind I have just rejected him, in my mind he has just humiliated me, and himself actually, in public.

Was I being unreasonable?

Is anybody here OK with something like that?

OP posts:
OrangeBagel · 14/06/2022 16:25

I think you know this isn’t acceptable in the slightest. You are not being unreasonable.

ConfusedNoMore · 14/06/2022 16:26

Gross. Ex H used to grope me. Absolutely killed it for me. Be careful. It's really disrespectful and for me it escalated. Well obviously as we're now divorced.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/06/2022 16:27

He sexually assaulted you. In public.

Shoxfordian · 14/06/2022 16:28

He treats you like a piece of meat

Original poster
Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:30

OrangeBagel · 14/06/2022 16:25

I think you know this isn’t acceptable in the slightest. You are not being unreasonable.

Yes you're right. I don't feel unreasonable whatsoever. I'm majorly annoyed actually.

The most frustrating part aside the level of entitlement is the fact he will now be offended.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 14/06/2022 16:30

Well, if it had been me, he would have been on the ground, clutching his balls, because I have something of a strong reflexive action to that sort of bullshit. How rude and crass of him. I'd be refusing to play even the world's smallest violin for him, and really giving him what for if he tried to play the pity party/rejection/desperate for a shag cards.

mathanxiety · 14/06/2022 16:30

YANBU, so much so that YANBU is a trite and meaningless phrase.

If he honestly thinks what he did was in any way justified, or respectful, or the behaviour of a mature adult (he's the father of a child fgs) then I would be making serious plans to dump him.

He doesn't own your body and he can't have sex with you just because he really, really wants sex. He can't paw you, either behind closed doors or out in public, if you don't want that.

Don't let him get away with this.

FOJN · 14/06/2022 16:31

Honestly men who behave like this deserve to be celibate forever. The older I get the more repulsed I am by this kind of desperate behaviour. I think some of them even imagine it's flattering.

If there are any men reading this who also do this sort of shit then please understand we do not find sexual assault a turn on.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 14/06/2022 16:32

What an absolutely vile individual he is.

Honestly OP you're worth so much more than him!!!

Original poster
Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:32

Pixiedust1234 · 14/06/2022 16:27

He sexually assaulted you. In public.

Absolutely. He will not see it that way. The entitlement is horrendous. I've actually raised it with him before, the groping, albeit not in public.

What a fucking wanker.

OP posts:
amy_192 · 14/06/2022 16:34

Men are so stupid sometimes 🙄 it's like they revert back to hormonal teenage boys with no brain other than down there! The only time I would say this is acceptable is if you're both into the public thing and he knows it's a turn on for you. Otherwise massive no and hugely disrespectful. Is it something he has done before and you've told him you don't like it and he's done it again or was this the first time? If the first time maybe you can forgive and make it clear how angry and upset it made you but if it's a recurring theme it might be a sign that he doesn't have respect for women in general possibly?? Is he generally a good guy?

GabriellaMontez · 14/06/2022 16:36

Disgusting. Treating you like an object for his satisfaction is vile.

Original poster
Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:37

He actually does think it is flattering!

When I've pulled him up on his sex pestering and groping before he says he just finds me so attractive and wants me to know that he's attracted to me. It's not the way though is it?

He knows I don't like it. I've told him so. Yet the minute he gets the horn his stupid brain doesn't engage.

Thank you all for validating how I feel. I'm going to give him both barrels when he gets back.

OP posts:
me4real · 14/06/2022 16:38

He was getting off on the thought others might see you.

Yes, I've been with one like that.🤮

Also, you did not consent to him doing that, you haven't said you're ok with him doing that where others might see. It wasn't even ok for him to grab you there until you have made it clear you were in the mood to be touched there.

Summerwhereareyou · 14/06/2022 16:38

How bizarre has he ever done that before??

Original poster
Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:39

He has good qualities, he's a hands on committed father and puts me first in many ways but the very second he gets sex on the brain all of that goes out of the window.

OP posts:
SaveMePlease · 14/06/2022 16:39

As a man I’m horrified to read this! I wouldn’t ever do something like this anyway but if I did, I know my DW would be absolutely disgusted and tbh I wouldn’t blame her for leaving me! Sorry if that sounds extreme - I just don’t believe that marriage means people have free reign to do what they want over their partner’s body, especially when you’ve called him out on it before.

pinkyredrose · 14/06/2022 16:39

Why are you with him when he doesn't respect you?

catandcoffee · 14/06/2022 16:42

Jesus christ he sounds the type to rape a women and claim she was asking for it... cos she had a dress on.

Original poster
Gerty4221 · 14/06/2022 16:42

Summerwhereareyou · 14/06/2022 16:38

How bizarre has he ever done that before??

In public? Yes he has, it was a long time ago but I distinctly remember getting majorly pissed off at him.

I've told him two or three times I don't like being groped in general, he apologies and says he won't do it again but then he does as he 'forgets'

It's his childish, clumsy way of trying to seduce me. The fucking idiot.

He would love it if I walked over and groped him between the legs so he can't fathom a woman not liking it too.

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 14/06/2022 16:44

Eww he sounds vile!

Whats worse is he knows exactly how you feel about it but just doesn’t care.

me4real · 14/06/2022 16:45

No good qualities would make up for him being sexually coercive in any way (pity party/strop included.) There is nothing more unpleasant than being pestered or feeling you have to do stuff when you don't want it-and worse. I would be planning to separate from him ASAP OP xxx

Unanananana · 14/06/2022 16:47

Do your kids witness him doing that? Is that what you want them to think is normal?

God knows why you'd even want to shag someone who thinks you enjoy being sexually assaulted.

Itshothothot · 14/06/2022 16:48

I grope my husband all the time.

He shouldn’t do it though if you have said you don’t like it.

stripeyflowers · 14/06/2022 16:49

I really could not be with a man who did this to me, even if it was just once. To me it is a sexual assault. Sorry, OP.