Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DC get christened even though it will cause huge fight in my marriage?

206 replies

probabyam · 13/06/2022 13:55

Before we got married/had kids we didn't really talk about religion much. Neither of us go to church, however both have been christened. I'm Irish so went to a Catholic school and although we didn't really go to church as a family it was part of my life. DH was christened (Protestant) but actively anti any religion/thinks it's all mental.

When we got engaged I liked the idea of a church wedding but he was very against it so as it wasn't as if I attended church I didn't really feel I could insist and we had a lovely wedding we both loved, no regrets/issues.

Have had two DC, now ages 2 and 4. I would have liked to get them christened as babies (having godparents for them is something I would have liked) but DH against and again I wasn't bothered enough to push.

Now I feel like I wish we had got them christened. Most of my friends children have been christened (though none seem to attend church regularly). Part of me just likes the idea of godparents but another bit of me has a worry like a what if kind of thing, we're both christened why aren't they!
DH still massively against but yet again it seems to be a thing where the person who doesn't want it gets their way (another example is wanting more kids).

Anyway not sure that makes sense but are your kids christened and if so, do you go to church/mass?

OP posts:
Sparro · 15/06/2022 08:59

bozna · 15/06/2022 01:59

I grew up going to church with my mum and grandma. I never had the same beliefs but I got my kids christened because it was important to them really. And my husband supported me because we respect our families beliefs

You can respect others beliefs without promising to raise your children in a religion you don't follow.

ChairPose9to5 · 15/06/2022 09:05

flurryofcurry · 13/06/2022 15:24

I think you being Irish is the most relevant part of your post. Almost everyone here gets their kids christened even if they are openly atheist. It's cultural rather than religious. I completely disagree with signing children up to a faith if you don't practice it or follow it in any way. You're technically Catholic but not really so I'm with your husband on this one.

Yes, I was living in the UK with a British bf and he was anti-christenings and forbade the idea. Made me sad. Traditions were important to me. When I left him the first thing I tried to do was to get them christened. One a toddler and one ready for school. I'm C of I not catholic but in my mind, although not religious, it just felt so SHABBY and embarrassing not to have arranged christenings for my children. I had them christened in my home parish and c of I rector was very wise, advised me to wait a while so that I knew it wasn't a reaction to what my x didn't want. Advised me to sit with it all for a while. Which I did. They are christened and I'm glad. We're not particularly religious and I'm really glad that schools have been prevented from prioritising children whose parents arranged a christening. But yet, on a really visceral level that I can't explain I am glad they are christened. My eldest made her confirmation but the younger one refused. So they did have choice to do what they wanted to do.

LakieLady · 15/06/2022 09:12

I think having children christened or baptised when you're not religious is incredibly hypocritical, tbh, so YABU.

Have a naming ceremony and guide parents.

SpringBadger · 15/06/2022 09:58

aloris · 13/06/2022 17:53

My question would be, why does this issue keep raising itself in your mind. Do you have some inner feeling that you actually would like to raise your kids Christian? Do you, yourself, wish for some aspect of being Christian?

Baptism is not a magic formula so much as the beginning of their relationship with Christ. So if your desire to baptise them results from an inner belief that God really does exist, then that is what you should focus on, not on the rite of baptism itself. Maybe what you want to do is teach them about Christ, some prayers, etc. If you start reading more material about Catholicism now you will see that the way catechesis has developed is a lot warmer and fuzzier than it was in our day. This is a real thing, it's not just something that comes from liberal Catholics misinterpreting the faith to their own ends. Children still require some concrete teaching because they are concrete thinkers by nature at young ages, but adults get a more metaphorical/philosophical view of theological issues, and there is more openness to people being on a path towards understanding.

If this were me, I think my focus would really be, what is this telling me about my own internal faith needs. Maybe you actually want to return to some active practice of Christianity. If you do, then that is your natural right, whether or not you "agreed" with your husband to be religious before you married. However, in terms of baptising your children, the priest will likely be reluctant to do so unless your husband is on board. In fact, it may be that the permission form for baptism requires both parents to sign it.

Great post. OP I think you're in an awkward spot now because the children are old enough to be aware of their baptism but not old enough to choose it. Given that your husband is already anti, it risks making the kids feel like pawns in an argument they don't understand. However, please don't be dismayed at all the posts telling you to brush your feelings under the carpet and that it's all a lot of nonsense. It's completely normal to have an attachment to your culture and the faith you were raised in, and to want to pass that on to your children. Explore it. You will find so much more in it as an adult. It might be that you realise it's not for you, but it might be that there are elements you wish to keep or develop. Your children will always have your example, and you have every right to share these things with them so they are at least aware. Cultural and religious understanding is a good thing. I also think that the concept of faith itself is good to understand. A lot of posters say "let them choose a religion when they are older", which makes it sound like it's just a case of flipping through a catalogue and finding one you like the sound of, whereas actually these things are deeply bound up with our own family relationships and traditions. Yes, they have freedom to choose, but you don't need to keep them in a state of ignorance to achieve that, or pretend that you're completely impartial. Your husband certainly isn't impartial!

Original poster
probabyam · 15/06/2022 11:20

Thank you for your suggestions @WordOfTheDay I will defo look into those.

I think what you've said about being 'culturally Catholic' really sums it up for me. I also think it's very hard for people who aren't Irish to understand the cultural elements of the religion and how they can be such an intrinsic part of your history and upbringing but at the same time be something where the tides are turning for a younger generation of Irish people and navigating that is something very specific.

OP posts:
WordOfTheDay · 15/06/2022 11:57

Hi OP,

I'm really happy my post is helpful😊. I forgot one other aspect. If you'd like to teach the children the cúpla focal for fun, this little website has been produced especially to help parents do just that. It sets out some fun words and phrases to use with kiddies in the home, etc. Irish for in the home

New posts on this thread. Refresh page