To insist DC get christened even though it will cause huge fight in my marriage?

[probabyam]

Before we got married/had kids we didn't really talk about religion much. Neither of us go to church, however both have been christened. I'm Irish so went to a Catholic school and although we didn't really go to church as a family it was part of my life. DH was christened (Protestant) but actively anti any religion/thinks it's all mental.

When we got engaged I liked the idea of a church wedding but he was very against it so as it wasn't as if I attended church I didn't really feel I could insist and we had a lovely wedding we both loved, no regrets/issues.

Have had two DC, now ages 2 and 4. I would have liked to get them christened as babies (having godparents for them is something I would have liked) but DH against and again I wasn't bothered enough to push.

Now I feel like I wish we had got them christened. Most of my friends children have been christened (though none seem to attend church regularly). Part of me just likes the idea of godparents but another bit of me has a worry like a what if kind of thing, we're both christened why aren't they!
DH still massively against but yet again it seems to be a thing where the person who doesn't want it gets their way (another example is wanting more kids).

Anyway not sure that makes sense but are your kids christened and if so, do you go to church/mass?

I’m not religious, neither is my husband. We don’t go to church outside of weddings, funerals and the odd carol service. We didn’t get married in church as it would have felt dishonest to pledge our lives together before a god we don’t believe in. We won’t get any future children christened as it would feel even more disingenuous to stand up in front of family, friends and a congregation of people and make vows to raise my child in the Christian faith, when I know we won’t be doing that.

I personally find child christening so abhorrent that I would divorce my husband if he did this without my permission. He shares my opinion though so that is extremely unlikely to happen.

if he wanted to have some sort of secular welcoming ceremony though, I wouldn’t object to that. We could even name special people in our lives who we would like to take an active role in helping to raise our child. The key is that at no point would we be making any covenants with a deity involving or on behalf of our child.

I think you need to decide how important this really is to you. I’m Anglican but spent many years at a Catholic school, so is your concern driven by a fear of what may happen to them after death?

Or is it more from the perspective that you’d like them to have godparents, and think you / they are missing out?

To answer your question, both my children (now teenagers) were baptised when they were babies, but neither of them go to church now! I do, though.

I know some very devout (non-Catholic) parents, who have positively decided not to baptise their children because they don’t approve of infant baptism and think this is a decision to be made by the child themselves.

But to be honest, the chance of your children growing up to be Christian if neither parent has a strong faith is pretty low

My children aren't baptised and I go to church regularly. DH is an atheist, and we agreed that we would both share our beliefs with our children and let them make any commitments for themselves when they were older. I took them to church when they were younger but now they are teenagers and don't want to go, and that's their choice.

Dh and I are both christened, neither of our children are. If they want to be baptised when they are older they can, one of our children is already an adult.

That would hardly be a chat on neutral territory. That would be the husband being hanged up on by his wife and the priest. And it sounds like the OP won’t even have a priest since she’s not religious.

I second guideparent/mentor - but I think you really need to have a bigger discussion with your DH and discuss how you are going to raise your kids wrt religion.

I fully acknowledge that I’m projecting here (I have a complicated relationship with this stuff) but being anti religion is a loooong way from being ‘whatever’ about it and your apparent take it or leave it, go with the flow ‘wouldn’t a church wedding be nice’ reads to me as if you have not really put much critical thought into your own beliefs. Your DH has made his position very clear and it sounds like yours is not. Are you religious? Do you have a belief system? What are you going to be teaching your children? If you’ve expressed v little interest in Christianity your other half may be assuming you will be happy raising your kids without faith - are you ok with that??

Sorry if it sounds like I’m bashing you - I actually believe it is possible for parents of different faiths or belief systems to raise balanced, well rounded children who will make their own minds up as they grow, but it requires the parents to have the ability to clearly express their own positions AND it requires the parents to respect each other’s views… which can be hard.

What are your reasons for thinking they need godparents? Godparents are there for spiritual education/guidance, not to bring a child up (that was maybe more the truth 100/200 years ago).

You could look into a naming humanistic ceremony, giving them guardians to help with their life choices and as mentors if that’s more the reason for the whole idea.

If a partner is dead set against a church wedding there is it difficult to think he may not be happy to have children baptised?

While I am Catholic the last I want is baptising a child, especially as I am not active religious and tend to follow more and more DH’s thoughts of atheism. I knew he wouldn’t have wanted any potential child baptist and as a RC wedding service includes the promise to baptise a child I didn’t want to lie on my wedding day and we went the civil ceremony route.

YABVU to push religious christening when your husband is against and a secular alternative which would meet your aims (giving them godparents - even though it naturally won't be called that in a secular ceremony) is freely available.

DH and I both athiest. I am christened, he isn't. I've never understood it as my parents arent remotely religious. My siblings have christened their kids even though they never attend church. Horrible and I hated sitting through it.

Both my sons had naming days and they have godparents who are active in their lives. Officially they are guardians but I have godparents and the name kinda stuck.

I would not have a christening. Your DH is right to be annoyed. You are moving the goalposts not him.

You recommend her DH who by the sounds of it is very anti religion goes and has a meeting with the local priest? Why? I would say a flat out no to that suggestion If I were her DH

Her DH might not feel that a chat with the priest is a safe environment. It’s certainly not a neutral one. It will likely feel like hanging up on him and using the priest to authorise your position.

My DC are all baptised Catholic. I don’t regularly go to church but all my family are baptised, as I am I and it was important to me that we carry that on. I believe in heaven and wanted my children baptised so that if anything happened to them they would go to heaven. My DH is very anti religion and swore blind he never have his kids baptised. After discussing what it meant to me and my family and seeing how important it was to my grandparents in particular he agreed to it. I think you need your reasons for doing it to be clear if you want to persuade him to go ahead with it. And as for going to church regularly, my grandad always said anyone can go to church every Sunday and say a few meaningless prayers, faith is about how you choose to live your life everyday.

If DH insisted on christening our kids I probably would have considered divorce.

The obvious option is to let children choose for themselves whether they want to join a religion, rather than imposing it on them as babies.

Do you actually believe in this stuff, OP? Because your post just reads like you think you should have because other people did.

warmeduppizza I’d recommend an informal and open-ended chat with your local priest

Why lol? The local priest is hardly going to be objective here. They are going to try and convince the DH to agree, it's not a balanced situation at all.

I wouldn’t bother. I was Baptised and my parents stopped speaking to my godmother when I was 10, before that I hardly saw her. My god father died when I was 4. My children were baptised but we go to church. Their godparents are mainly family members who don’t go to Church, the one non-family godparent who goes to church has not really had much to do with the children unfortunately.
if you have no intention of going to Church it seems a bit pointless.

It does seem like you want to do it just because your friends have or you think it’s expected? I don’t think your dh should have to change his mind about it, I wouldn’t christen my children either

Surely the only reasonable compromise is to have a naming ceremony with mentors instead of godparents.

It's literally a humanist ceremony with no religious content and a party afterwards.

You knew his beliefs when you married and had kids with him it's not fair to try and force something on him that he feels so strongly about, especially when you don't have any real religious involvement yourself.

I was involved in a baptism programme in a RC Church. Both of you would be required to attend . People have various motives for requesting baptism . There is also a cultural side in being an Irish Catholic. If you baptised the children, would you also then go on to want the other Sacraments ? ie Communion , Confirmation . Or is this about getting places in a Catholic school ?
I think you need to question your own reasons before you can have a calm discussion with your DH . His position is every bit as valid as yours.

If you don't go to church, is it really worth straining your marriage?

The whole idea of a godparent is that they promise to encourage their godchild to grow in faith, and commit to helping them understand how to live their life in a Catholic/Christian way. If you don't go to church I can't see why you'd need godparents. Go for a naming ceremony and have guideparents/mentors instead.

I was baptised and went to Catholic schools until the age of 13. DH was christened CofE. We got married in a Catholic church. Neither of my DCs were baptised.

I see lots of photos on SM of christenings. They mostly look like they're just in it for the party - so why not just have the party?

I never really knew my Godparents. My family moved area when I was a tiny baby and we rarely saw them - even though they'd been close friends of my parents previously. Family and friends are likely to be in your child's life anyway whether they're appointed as godparent or not so I don't see the need for appointing them.

Only get them christened/baptised if you intend to take them to church otherwise don't bother.

You are not married within your faith.
You are not living within your faith.
You have no plan to teach your children about that faith.
Yet you want to make a public oath to live in the faith and raise your children within that faith with no intentions of honouring your oath.

It's like walking into court, knowing you are going to commit perjury and knowing the Judge knows.

If this is part of your personal journey within your relegion, you should sort out what you want for yourself first.

Why not just have a naming day? We did that and our DC have 'god' parents.